I'm really feeling some sorrow to read about the struggle you are going through.
You seem to be truly in no man's land.
I just think it is truly heroic that you want to leave those vices behind and return to the Church and the Eucharist, despite the inner conflicts that such a decision causes.
We are all sinners. We are all just disordered, and full of flaws, shame, guilt, and defects.
I can guarantee that Jesus is more offended with the self-righteous hypocrites, than the humble repentant sinners.
When the Pharisee was praying next to the sinful tax collector, the Pharisee was thanking God that he prays and fasts, and thanking God that he is not like the sinful man next to him.
The sinful tax collector was full of shame and just beat his chest and repeated "Lord have mercy on me a sinner"...
Jesus said it was the sinful tax collector that left justified, not the self-righteous religious person.
If you run into a priest that judges you or despises you, that is a reflection of him not you.
That is his flaw, his weakness, his bias, his fear, and certainly not a reflection of a Christlike attitude.
It appears to me, that you're doing better than I am, and a lot of Christians for that matter.
Regarding the Eucharist, I had a Jesuit tell me that, if you are truly sorry for your sins, please receive the Eucharist, even if you haven't been to confession.
He said, to tell sinners not to receive the Eucharist, is like telling a sick person not to take their medicine.
the catechism says a person in a state mortal sin, has no charity in their heart, and has completely turned their back on God.
At least from what you say, I see a person who has charity in their heart, has the desire to change, and has true Contrition for sin.
If I am correct about that, then according to the catechism, your soul is not in a state of mortal sin.
I will be praying for you, because I believe your charity towards people who are disordered and sick, has greater potential, than most Catholics, because you have experienced so much, and you think more deeply about so many of the issues that afflict so many people, in our dying culture.
You have greater potential to understand where the lepers of society are coming from, and what it's like to be deeply afflicted, haunted, and tortured mentally, sexually, and emotionally.
Jesus is very close to people like you. He said, "blessed are they who are full of sorrow (who mourn)"..." the Lord is close to the Brokenhearted and those whose Spirits are crushed"... he came for the Sinners not the righteous.
You could be a great minister to the gay, lesbian, and transgender community. I'm very moved by things you have to say and see a lot of promise and potential in you. So does God!
Keep your chin up! I actually have a lot of faith in you
... do you see me saying such things to other members of the Forum?
Yes I've benefited from other people's corrections and criticism, and given them due props, but no other member on this forum has influenced me as much as you have.
some people might label you a freak or a weirdo.
So what! That's who Jesus came for.
I really think the church needs you, and I would hate to see the church lose you.
Your wounds can be a source of healing for others.
I'm not capable of telling you how great it is to be schooled and inspired by a transgender LGBT member who has a good heart, rational thought, open mind, good intentions, good ideas, faith, and sound morals.
I used to judge such people. And you totally proved me wrong on this thread and so many other times.
Things just aren't black and white, and I had some inner convictions that you put in check, as only you seem to be able to do.
Hence, I have a lot of confidence in you, and wish you would stop beating yourself up and caring about what others think.
God is love and more accepting of you and understanding than I am.
It isn't comfortable giving such flattery, but you truly are a hero to me, fighting the battle you are up against.
So, I hold you in my heart and pray that God will fully enlighten you and heal you!
I see enormous potential!
God bless you!