Explaining the fostercare system to a 3 year old.

[VoidCat]

So my foster parents granddaughter visited. While she was eating she asked this:"Where is your mom?"
Now I cannot lie to a kid specially one so young but i knew she would not understand what fostercare is. However I did not want to not answer the question as she just was trying to understand the world around her and to me that's not a bad thing...So this is what I said: "You know your grandma?Well she is my mother for the time being..."To which she replied: "She is?" Me: "Yes" Her:" ok...what's your favorite color?" So like I was wondering what other people would have done in this situation? Would you answer the child or would you discourage the question? What would you have done?

 

[HonestJoe]

Now I cannot lie to a kid specially one so young but i knew she would not understand what fostercare is.

I think you do her (and children of her age) a disservice. They can be capable of understanding much more than many people give them credit for and can come to resent people over-simplifying or glossing over things. After all, presumably something led her to ask the question in the first place – she might not have been consciously aware of it but I suspect she’d already picked up on something.

Clearly with a topic like this there will be details and aspects that aren’t suitable for young ears but in my experience some form of the unvarnished truth is generally the best way (which does sound like what you ended up doing anyway). Even with the apparent casual skipping on to the next topic of conversation, I’ve no doubt the answer will have helped her in forming her view of the world.

 

[VoidCat]

I think you do her (and children of her age) a disservice. They can be capable of understanding much more than many people give them credit for and can come to resent people over-simplifying or glossing over things. After all, presumably something led her to ask the question in the first place – she might not have been consciously aware of it but I suspect she’d already picked up on something.

Clearly with a topic like this there will be details and aspects that aren’t suitable for young ears but in my experience some form of the unvarnished truth is generally the best way (which does sound like what you ended up doing anyway). Even with the apparent casual skipping on to the next topic of conversation, I’ve no doubt the answer will have helped her in forming her view of the world.

I agree and I thought about explaining it to her a bit better.But I didn't want to without her parent's permission and without thinking about how to explain it in a way that she could understand for a while

 

[VoidCat]

Clearly with a topic like this there will be details and aspects that aren’t suitable for young ears but in my experience some form of the unvarnished truth is generally the best way (which does sound like what you ended up doing anyway). Even with the apparent casual skipping on to the next topic of conversation, I’ve no doubt the answer will have helped her in forming her view of the world.

How would you explain it?

 

[HonestJoe]

How would you explain it?

As I said, I think your actual answer was perfectly fine and was clearly satisfactory to the child (which is a good sign), at least for now. Follow up questions are always possible from young children (and she may well ask for more detail at a later date) which may be more complex (I don’t know, nor wish to pry in to, your specific circumstances) but I’d always go with some version of the truth. I don’t think the basic concept of foster parents is beyond the understanding of a questioning three year old and it strikes me as something that would be beneficial for her to be aware of.

 

[VoidCat]

As I said, I think your actual answer was perfectly fine and was clearly satisfactory to the child (which is a good sign), at least for now. Follow up questions are always possible from young children (and she may well ask for more detail at a later date) which may be more complex (I don’t know, nor wish to pry in to, your specific circumstances) but I’d always go with some version of the truth. I don’t think the basic concept of foster parents is beyond the understanding of a questioning three year old and it strikes me as something that would be beneficial for her to be aware of.

Thank you.

 

[sealchan]

So my foster parents granddaughter visited. While she was eating she asked this:"Where is your mom?"
Now I cannot lie to a kid specially one so young but i knew she would not understand what fostercare is. However I did not want to not answer the question as she just was trying to understand the world around her and to me that's not a bad thing...So this is what I said: "You know your grandma?Well she is my mother for the time being..."To which she replied: "She is?" Me: "Yes" Her:" ok...what's your favorite color?" So like I was wondering what other people would have done in this situation? Would you answer the child or would you discourage the question? What would you have done?

I offer some wandering thoughts...

I think that you could have simply indicated that your foster mother was your mother (if that is how you feel) and not qualify it as a current or temporary thing. Then you could see what follow up questions this did or did not produce in "your niece". Her questions, as naive as they are, might serve as interesting questions for you to consider with more depth.

Biological parents are a sort of god-like presence in our minds. For a very young child, whosoever controls you, no matter how good or bad as a parent they are, is whom you must "worship" or "appease". Their "promise" or "reality" is more important, oftentimes, than the reality or actuality of the person who is serving as a parent.

And biological parents also have that genetic connection that tells some whispered secret about "who we are". What that secret is or to what extent it is significant is a very subjective consideration. The real trick IMO is to know who you are and who has guided and helped you.

I have had my biological parents as my parents my whole life. I have been a foster parent. I have a non-bio grandson who, emotionally, I think of as a son although he is currently placed in care with my step daughter whom I trust in that role.

Our minds and our imaginations are often more important than the practical and real aspects of our lives. Both are critically important to our overall outlook and well-being.

Perhaps the split between the imaginary and the real is a good thing and allows us to appreciate both those who help us in reality as well as the promise of those who need our imaginations and our ingenuity to help them to be what they probably want to be but cannot find their way to becoming.

 

[VoidCat]

I offer some wandering thoughts...

I think that you could have simply indicated that your foster mother was your mother (if that is how you feel) and not qualify it as a current or temporary thing. Then you could see what follow up questions this did or did not produce in "your niece". Her questions, as naive as they are, might serve as interesting questions for you to consider with more depth.

Biological parents are a sort of god-like presence in our minds. For a very young child, whosoever controls you, no matter how good or bad as a parent they are, is whom you must "worship" or "appease". Their "promise" or "reality" is more important, oftentimes, than the reality or actuality of the person who is serving as a parent.

And biological parents also have that genetic connection that tells some whispered secret about "who we are". What that secret is or to what extent it is significant is a very subjective consideration. The real trick IMO is to know who you are and who has guided and helped you.

I have had my biological parents as my parents my whole life. I have been a foster parent. I have a non-bio grandson who, emotionally, I think of as a son although he is currently placed in care with my step daughter whom I trust in that role.

Our minds and our imaginations are often more important than the practical and real aspects of our lives. Both are critically important to our overall outlook and well-being.

Perhaps the split between the imaginary and the real is a good thing and allows us to appreciate both those who help us in reality as well as the promise of those who need our imaginations and our ingenuity to help them to be what they probably want to be but cannot find their way to becoming.

I don't consider her to be my mother other then the fact she is currently caring for me.Thats why I specifically said for now rather then did not say it.Thank you for your input really gives me quite a bit to think about.

 

[Brickjectivity]

So my foster parents granddaughter visited. While she was eating she asked this:"Where is your mom?"
Now I cannot lie to a kid specially one so young but i knew she would not understand what fostercare is. However I did not want to not answer the question as she just was trying to understand the world around her and to me that's not a bad thing...So this is what I said: "You know your grandma?Well she is my mother for the time being..."To which she replied: "She is?" Me: "Yes" Her:" ok...what's your favorite color?" So like I was wondering what other people would have done in this situation? Would you answer the child or would you discourage the question? What would you have done?

All of my younger siblings, nieces and nephews went through this very brief experience in which they would start laughing and pointing at the different people in the same room saying our names. "Mommy!" "Bobby!" They all did this, like something was connecting in their brains for the first time about people being different. It was always an ironic revelation to them, somehow as if it were hard to believe. They were 2 or 3 years old.

I've seen about 5 children do this independently. For them I think its an awakening. I don't know, but this child in your OP is just trying grasp who they are and the concept of different people. Its like an advanced game of peekaboo.

 

[VoidCat]

All of my younger siblings, nieces and nephews went through this very brief experience in which they would start laughing and pointing at the different people in the same room saying our names. "Mommy!" "Bobby!" They all did this, like something was connecting in their brains for the first time about people being different. It was always an ironic revelation to them, somehow as if it were hard to believe. They were 2 or 3 years old.

I've seen about 5 children do this independently. For them I think its an awakening. I don't know, but this child in your OP is just trying grasp who they are and the concept of different people. Its like an advanced game of peekaboo.

That is possible

 

[sealchan]

I know that in the circles I was in "bio-parent" vs "parent" or even "foster parent" were commonly used simple terms to distinguish a current parent from a biological one. They are fairly neutral terms.

My wife told my grandson while he was in our care that he could call us (myself and my wife "mom" and "dad" if he wanted to). This took him pleasantly by surprise. I think that it made him feel that the love he had for us was a real thing and that he did/could have people he could call parents if he wanted to and that there was no boundary for him in that sense.

He would have never called me dad in part because he has always called me grandpa. Before that it was "bop". lol I have been a parent to him when he was very young when his mother, my step-daughter, still lived with me.

 

[Nakosis]

So my foster parents granddaughter visited. While she was eating she asked this:"Where is your mom?"
Now I cannot lie to a kid specially one so young but i knew she would not understand what fostercare is. However I did not want to not answer the question as she just was trying to understand the world around her and to me that's not a bad thing...So this is what I said: "You know your grandma?Well she is my mother for the time being..."To which she replied: "She is?" Me: "Yes" Her:" ok...what's your favorite color?" So like I was wondering what other people would have done in this situation? Would you answer the child or would you discourage the question? What would you have done?

Seems ok to me. When I was 4 my Grandmother had foster kids in the house from time to time. I never thought to ask about their parents. I saw them as other kids visiting my Grandmother I could play with. Foster care is temporary right? At least I don't recall seeing any child more than once.

I probably would have done about the same. My Grandmother is your temporary mother, "Oh, ok. Lets go run around the house". We played tag a lot.

 

[VoidCat]

Seems ok to me. When I was 4 my Grandmother had foster kids in the house from time to time. I never thought to ask about their parents. I saw them as other kids visiting my Grandmother I could play with. Foster care is temporary right? At least I don't recall seeing any child more than once.

I probably would have done about the same. My Grandmother is your temporary mother, "Oh, ok. Lets go run around the house". We played tag a lot.

Fostering is temporary.Adoption is permanent through.

 

[Curious George]

I don't consider her to be my mother other then the fact she is currently caring for me.Thats why I specifically said for now rather then did not say it.Thank you for your input really gives me quite a bit to think about.

Given this, I would have suggested telling the child that you don't know or ypu weren't sure, and that she is not here right now. At three this would be enough to satisfy her.

Trying to explain the whole foster care system would be hard to do at an age appropriate level for a three year old. More still, one needs ro be respectful of the worldview the parents are working to create.

I think that questions that would be tough would be how come you do not live with your mother. But this was not the question that was asked. For a three year old, basic, truthful answers are usually the way to go.

So if you know where ypur mother is, you can say that. If you do not know, you can say that. One needn't know where there mother is at all times.