Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Vlad, please re-read the OP and let me know just WHICH of the following "symptoms" in a relationship is emotionally healthy and acceptable:
I am afraid of my partner. Now - how could this ever be healthy?
I cannot express my opinions or my feelings without being afraid of my partner's reaction. What? Now - I don't think this is talking about being hesitant to tell your partner you bought a new pair of shoes. I think this is talking about deeply held opinions or feelings - "being yourself" and having independent opinions which differ from your partners.
I always ask my partner for permission to see my family or friends, to spend money, or to buy something for myself. Tell me - how could this be justified? Notice that this isn't talking about touching base as a courtesy - it clearly says "I ask for permission."
I constantly manipulate myself, my children and my environment in order to make things "just so" for my partner. Very tiring, very dishonest and awkward, and creates a life filled with tension for ALL involved. How is this healthy or OK?
I try and try to please my partner only to be criticized again. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone like this and experienced the degradation and hopelessness created by this pattern? IT'S NOT OK. This in itself isn't a deal killer, but combined with other forms of cruelty, it's absolutely crushing.
I sometimes feel like I am living with two people, a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I believe in the context of this OP, this is clearly not talking about simple variations of mood. This is talking about what I call "crazy making" and it's a form of control over another person. You keep them constantly on edge because they have no idea what your reaction will be to something - even the most positive things. You change plans suddenly - even travel or entertaining plans (example - "I don't feel like a Christmas party at our house. Call everyone and tell them it's off. I don't care if you've cooked and cleaned all day. I don't care if your boss is coming. It's off.").
I am confused about the difference in the way my partner views our relationship and the way I see it. Honestly, shouldn't both partners know the parameters and expectations of the relationship? This is another way to control a person - keep them guessing, hopeful, off-balance, yearning.
I am beginning to believe all the terrible things my partner says about me and accuses me of. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real anymore. Maybe I'm going crazy. OMG, reading this almost made me cry. I can clearly remember him pushing every button in my psyche and then when I was worn absolutely down with worry, anxiety, grief, etc. he would stand over me imperiously and tell me disdainfully, "You know what - you're losing it. I sometimes wonder if you're even fit to be a mother." Of course, now that I am out of that destructive cycle, I realize that I am totally competent and a very strong woman. I've never once, since terminating that relationship, felt emotionally weak or unstable, nor have my actions and decisions been made from a weak, desperate place emotionally.
Notice that the OP clearly states that SEVERAL of these traits, not just one, should be considered a sign that the relationship is abusive.
I am afraid of my partner. Now - how could this ever be healthy?
I cannot express my opinions or my feelings without being afraid of my partner's reaction. What? Now - I don't think this is talking about being hesitant to tell your partner you bought a new pair of shoes. I think this is talking about deeply held opinions or feelings - "being yourself" and having independent opinions which differ from your partners.
I always ask my partner for permission to see my family or friends, to spend money, or to buy something for myself. Tell me - how could this be justified? Notice that this isn't talking about touching base as a courtesy - it clearly says "I ask for permission."
I constantly manipulate myself, my children and my environment in order to make things "just so" for my partner. Very tiring, very dishonest and awkward, and creates a life filled with tension for ALL involved. How is this healthy or OK?
I try and try to please my partner only to be criticized again. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone like this and experienced the degradation and hopelessness created by this pattern? IT'S NOT OK. This in itself isn't a deal killer, but combined with other forms of cruelty, it's absolutely crushing.
I sometimes feel like I am living with two people, a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I believe in the context of this OP, this is clearly not talking about simple variations of mood. This is talking about what I call "crazy making" and it's a form of control over another person. You keep them constantly on edge because they have no idea what your reaction will be to something - even the most positive things. You change plans suddenly - even travel or entertaining plans (example - "I don't feel like a Christmas party at our house. Call everyone and tell them it's off. I don't care if you've cooked and cleaned all day. I don't care if your boss is coming. It's off.").
I am confused about the difference in the way my partner views our relationship and the way I see it. Honestly, shouldn't both partners know the parameters and expectations of the relationship? This is another way to control a person - keep them guessing, hopeful, off-balance, yearning.
I am beginning to believe all the terrible things my partner says about me and accuses me of. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real anymore. Maybe I'm going crazy. OMG, reading this almost made me cry. I can clearly remember him pushing every button in my psyche and then when I was worn absolutely down with worry, anxiety, grief, etc. he would stand over me imperiously and tell me disdainfully, "You know what - you're losing it. I sometimes wonder if you're even fit to be a mother." Of course, now that I am out of that destructive cycle, I realize that I am totally competent and a very strong woman. I've never once, since terminating that relationship, felt emotionally weak or unstable, nor have my actions and decisions been made from a weak, desperate place emotionally.
Notice that the OP clearly states that SEVERAL of these traits, not just one, should be considered a sign that the relationship is abusive.