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Eight Signs Of Partner Abuse

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Sunstone, Jan 25, 2007.

  1. Kathryn

    Kathryn Most Spoiled Woman Ever

    Nov 16, 2008
    Vlad, please re-read the OP and let me know just WHICH of the following "symptoms" in a relationship is emotionally healthy and acceptable:

    I am afraid of my partner. Now - how could this ever be healthy?

    I cannot express my opinions or my feelings without being afraid of my partner's reaction. What? Now - I don't think this is talking about being hesitant to tell your partner you bought a new pair of shoes. I think this is talking about deeply held opinions or feelings - "being yourself" and having independent opinions which differ from your partners.

    I always ask my partner for permission to see my family or friends, to spend money, or to buy something for myself. Tell me - how could this be justified? Notice that this isn't talking about touching base as a courtesy - it clearly says "I ask for permission."

    I constantly manipulate myself, my children and my environment in order to make things "just so" for my partner. Very tiring, very dishonest and awkward, and creates a life filled with tension for ALL involved. How is this healthy or OK?

    I try and try to please my partner only to be criticized again. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone like this and experienced the degradation and hopelessness created by this pattern? IT'S NOT OK. This in itself isn't a deal killer, but combined with other forms of cruelty, it's absolutely crushing.

    I sometimes feel like I am living with two people, a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I believe in the context of this OP, this is clearly not talking about simple variations of mood. This is talking about what I call "crazy making" and it's a form of control over another person. You keep them constantly on edge because they have no idea what your reaction will be to something - even the most positive things. You change plans suddenly - even travel or entertaining plans (example - "I don't feel like a Christmas party at our house. Call everyone and tell them it's off. I don't care if you've cooked and cleaned all day. I don't care if your boss is coming. It's off.").

    I am confused about the difference in the way my partner views our relationship and the way I see it. Honestly, shouldn't both partners know the parameters and expectations of the relationship? This is another way to control a person - keep them guessing, hopeful, off-balance, yearning.

    I am beginning to believe all the terrible things my partner says about me and accuses me of. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real anymore. Maybe I'm going crazy.
    OMG, reading this almost made me cry. I can clearly remember him pushing every button in my psyche and then when I was worn absolutely down with worry, anxiety, grief, etc. he would stand over me imperiously and tell me disdainfully, "You know what - you're losing it. I sometimes wonder if you're even fit to be a mother." Of course, now that I am out of that destructive cycle, I realize that I am totally competent and a very strong woman. I've never once, since terminating that relationship, felt emotionally weak or unstable, nor have my actions and decisions been made from a weak, desperate place emotionally.

    Notice that the OP clearly states that SEVERAL of these traits, not just one, should be considered a sign that the relationship is abusive.

  2. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Well-Known Member

    Feb 11, 2010
    Only when she has the whip :eek:

    Only if I had to tell her what I think of her music :p

  3. Tree)O(Life

    Tree)O(Life Member

    Jan 23, 2011
    I forThose points are undoubtedly a sign of unhappiness in a relashionship but that could just indicate one is more intellectual than the other also, I sometimes worry myself that My partner will leave me because she would fall into those catagories. Shes always asking me and I tell her if you ask me Im going to say no because Im sick to the back teeth of it she is the one who puts me in a position that would amplify the basis of this thread.
    My father is alone now because he truely did control my mother and myself we were both afraid of him I couldnt leave anything lying around the house including myself usually. Spend most of my childhood outside or in room and I fear the same of myself beside the fact we have a family and genuine love bringing me to my second point. Maybe the male or female has also come from that background and cannot help but be that way around the partner it works both ways and is often down to habit and delusion.
    #43 Tree)O(Life, Jan 24, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2011
  4. dragondaughter

    dragondaughter New Member

    Jan 3, 2011
    Hey Vlad. Are you one of those men that believe a woman should be meek and compliant in their marriage? The kind that never talks back and shuffles around with her head down.

    I feel sorry for any woman that gets involved with you then.

    I've seen abuse all around me and I answered yes to 2 of these about my husband. We separated several years ago and I would have answered 7 out of eight back then. I didn't know the signs back then though.

    He's never struck me or the kids but his emotional abuse was pretty bad.

    I know there are those out there who think I should divorce him, but when he knew he was going to lose me and the kids he did straighten up.

    Some people do change if losing their spouse and kids rattles their cage hard enough.

    I can stand up for myself now and he likes it. :clap I go out once a week without him and he trusts me. I can buy stuff for me and the kids, but I have to be careful. (I'm a Pisces so I'm notoriously lousy with a check book).

    He's gentle now and loves the fact I'm a wiccan. He's mellow with the kids as well.
    He's a long haul Truck Driver so he misses me so much when he gets home he avoids conflict al all cost because he knows if he ever reverts back, I'll dump him in a flash. No matter how much I love a man, I've learned, if he abuses me, he loses me.

    He's so well behaved now, when he says he loves me I believe it.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Twilight Hue

    Twilight Hue The gentle embrace of twilight has become my guide

    Mar 7, 2009
    Philosophical Buddhism
    Good OP, yet Partner IMO is far too polite a term to use involving such cases.
  6. 7he4uthor

    7he4uthor Member

    Mar 22, 2011

    this point needs to be strengthened imv
    the idea that females are weaker and more often victimized …
    in nature [animals/creatures] the female is often physically superior to the male
    in humans females are [in some studies] more intelligent with larger brains

    these are the kinds of abuse ...

    1 verbal - [causes permanent psychological damage during childhood]
    2 psychological/emotional - [mind games manipulation]
    3 sexual - [self explanatory]
    4 physical - [self explanatory]

    females participate in all of the above
    especially the manipulative aspects
    some females assault their partner then press charges for a response
    some incite violence via provocation

    if a male provokes a male [verbally] it is the provoker [by law]
    who is guilty of assault

    shouting constitutes assault [by law]
    it is not necessary to touch or make physical contact to legally assault someone

    [how many women would be in prison if this law was applied equally?]

    the OP looked to me to be gender biased not acknowledging that females engage in this same behavior ... keep in mind if you want equality, accepting responsibility
    for your role is required.

    male's roles to protect/provide put them under extreme pressure
    and females can be very demanding/provocative/manipulative ...

    its a very deep psychological study to compare roles and behaviors

    a deeper study is how children are treated
    as government/corporate interests in raising children increase [daycares] and couples are split with both working children become more and more corporate property

    i see an increasing number of women shouting at their kids in public places as the pressure on their role [to be attractive] increases ...

    my bottom line comment is that i see an immense amount of abuse by females directed at males , but the political agenda of female empowerment has glazed it over, if a female does it its not abuse. This fallacy has been created with the images society places on female roles
    images which both science and nature strongly contest

    in traditional roles men work for women, who raise, nurture, educate offspring
    and in love it is an honor to do so …
    but a woman can dishonor her man with insults criticism, provocation, complaints
    and generally being unloving and insensitive to his position role responsibility etc

    it is one-sided abuse
    time for females to examine their own roles deeper
    it takes two to tango

    seek counseling sure, but many counselors are programmed with the same bias politics
    better search within yourself, either you are comfortable and in-love
    or you’re not
    switching partners wont fix what’s wrong inside of one self
    it only creates a merry go round which promotes abuse disease and abandonment

    #46 7he4uthor, Apr 6, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2011
  7. Sunstone

    Sunstone De Diablo Del Fora
    Staff Member Premium Member

    Jul 2, 2004
    Non-Theistic Mysticism
    Please show me where in the OP it states that men can be abusers, but women cannot. Otherwise, the OP might seem to you to be gender biased, but your claim that it is gender biased would strike me as intellectually irresponsible.
  8. Kathryn

    Kathryn Most Spoiled Woman Ever

    Nov 16, 2008
    I certainly agree that women can be just as abusive as men. But I don't see how the OP is gender biased.

    My life experiences don't support this opinion. I have seen an equal amount of professional and public acknowledgment of all types of abuse, from men AND women.

    And just for the record, non physical abuse rarely, if ever, justifies the other person taking it to the next level of physical abuse. There's a big difference between being sarcastic, or even deceitful, and knocking someone's teeth out or holding a loaded gun to their head.
    • Like Like x 2
  9. MysticSang'ha

    MysticSang'ha Big Squishy Hugger
    Premium Member

    Feb 9, 2006
    I'm surprised I hadn't responded yet to this thread.

    Spot on. Thanks for posting the list, Sunstone.
  10. 7he4uthor

    7he4uthor Member

    Mar 22, 2011
    I reread the OP seems I made an error
    appologies2u &4um members 4my error ... i may have been fatigued ... bery god post.
    #50 7he4uthor, Apr 9, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  11. brad12

    brad12 New Member

    Apr 5, 2011
    :yes:he he 8 out of 8 yes... :yes:
  12. Shades-o-Blue

    Shades-o-Blue Member

    Aug 22, 2011
    I can happily say "no" to every one of these statements. Thank the Lord that I found my wife! :bow:
  13. InformedIgnorance

    InformedIgnorance Do you 'know' or believe?

    Nov 28, 2011
    Though many indicate a dysfunctional relationship; I would actually suggest that none of these could be given my unqualified support for being a indicator of abuse (though the top one comes closest - it could be a result of psychological issues and therefore might indicate dysfunction rather than abuse).

    Still a nice list (6, 7 and to a lesser extent 5 seem borderline though) provided one does not have self esteem or dependence issues
  14. AdityaMookerjee

    Sep 4, 2012
    A person might be feeling incompatible, even when the above parameters do not apply. It seems, that when we communicate unpleasantness to ourselves, others feel they are personally involved, because we feel we are expressing to them. It seems a great social feat, when one can make this not be relevant, when it is.
  15. whirlingmerc

    whirlingmerc Well-Known Member

    May 12, 2016
    maybe 0.6 on 2 of them
  16. Cacotopia

    Cacotopia Let's go full Trottle

    May 12, 2018

    Any one of those is a deal breaker.
  17. Audie

    Audie Veteran Member

    Feb 18, 2018
    I am so lucky!
    • Winner Winner x 1