Did I Do the Right Thing?

[metis]

About 6 years ago I wrote a one-and-out letter to a former girlfriend back in the 60's who changed my life as she was simply the nicest person I had ever met, and even though we did not make it together, the woman I did marry is/was so much like her. I wrote that she inspired me in several different ways, thus I cannot and will not ever forget her or stop loving her. I then apologized for having to break off with her so as to marry my wife of now 57 years. I concluded that I would never go and show up at her front door or call her on the phone or write another letter; and then I asked her not to write me back, and she didn't-- thankfully.

Because I was worried this could backfire on me if my wife found out [she was very concerned I would end up with the other woman back then], I told our son and oldest daughter what I had written, and the latter chose to read it and felt it was OK.

IYO, was what I did moral? Don't be afraid to question me as it took me a full year to decide to write the letter as I wanted to make sure I didn't violate my wedding vows. I believe it was and is moral, but I can see why some may think it's not.

 

[libre]

As a point of clarity - when you say 'break it off' do you mean that you cut off a friend that you had previously dated? or that you had ended the romantic relationship to be with your wife?

 

[Laniakea]

About 6 years ago I wrote a one-and-out letter to a former girlfriend back in the 60's who changed my life as she was simply the nicest person I had ever met, and even though we did not make it together, the woman I did marry is/was so much like her. I wrote that she inspired me in several different ways, thus I cannot and will not ever forget her or stop loving her. I then apologized for having to break off with her so as to marry my wife of now 57 years. I concluded that I would never go and show up at her front door or call her on the phone or write another letter; and then I asked her not to write me back, and she didn't-- thankfully.

Because I was worried this could backfire on me if my wife found out [she was very concerned I would end up with the other woman back then], I told our son and oldest daughter what I had written, and the latter chose to read it and felt it was OK.

IYO, was what I did moral? Don't be afraid to question me as it took me a full year to decide to write the letter as I wanted to make sure I didn't violate my wedding vows. I believe it was and is moral, but I can see why some may think it's not.

You said you wrote this about six years ago. Is she someone that you still have any contact with in any capacity since knowing her back in the 60s? If not, and she hasn't written back or contacted you since you wrote the letter, I would say that there was no harm done. At most, it may have given her a trip down memory lane and a good feeling that she helped you later in life.

 

[beenherebeforeagain]

Yeah...the desire for closure can lead to things like this; I speak also from experience.

You will probably never know if your letter caused problems or closure for her; I hope it was the latter.

 

[Unfettered]

About 6 years ago I wrote a one-and-out letter to a former girlfriend back in the 60's who changed my life as she was simply the nicest person I had ever met, and even though we did not make it together, the woman I did marry is/was so much like her. I wrote that she inspired me in several different ways, thus I cannot and will not ever forget her or stop loving her. I then apologized for having to break off with her so as to marry my wife of now 57 years. I concluded that I would never go and show up at her front door or call her on the phone or write another letter; and then I asked her not to write me back, and she didn't-- thankfully.

Because I was worried this could backfire on me if my wife found out [she was very concerned I would end up with the other woman back then], I told our son and oldest daughter what I had written, and the latter chose to read it and felt it was OK.

IYO, was what I did moral? Don't be afraid to question me as it took me a full year to decide to write the letter as I wanted to make sure I didn't violate my wedding vows. I believe it was and is moral, but I can see why some may think it's not.

It is never wrong to communicate honestly. In this case, that includes honesty with yourself, your wife, and this other woman.

 

[JustGeorge]

About 6 years ago I wrote a one-and-out letter to a former girlfriend back in the 60's who changed my life as she was simply the nicest person I had ever met, and even though we did not make it together, the woman I did marry is/was so much like her. I wrote that she inspired me in several different ways, thus I cannot and will not ever forget her or stop loving her. I then apologized for having to break off with her so as to marry my wife of now 57 years. I concluded that I would never go and show up at her front door or call her on the phone or write another letter; and then I asked her not to write me back, and she didn't-- thankfully.

Because I was worried this could backfire on me if my wife found out [she was very concerned I would end up with the other woman back then], I told our son and oldest daughter what I had written, and the latter chose to read it and felt it was OK.

IYO, was what I did moral? Don't be afraid to question me as it took me a full year to decide to write the letter as I wanted to make sure I didn't violate my wedding vows. I believe it was and is moral, but I can see why some may think it's not.

Morality confuses me to an extent. Who decides what's right or wrong?

In the time I've been on the forums, I've seen you mention both your wife and this distant girlfriend in a positive light. The fact that I, someone online who doesn't know you too terribly well, knows how much this person means to you, speaks volumes. Obviously, she made a serious impact on you. It seems unsurprising that you'd need to, in some form, communicate your appreciation to her somehow.

You've talked to your kids about it, and they approve. That's great. Would your wife worry if she found out about the letter? Would it hurt her feelings, or cause spitefulness?

You're thinking about this six years later. Why? (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this, I'm really asking why.)

 

[Vinayaka]

About 6 years ago I wrote a one-and-out letter to a former girlfriend back in the 60's who changed my life as she was simply the nicest person I had ever met, and even though we did not make it together, the woman I did marry is/was so much like her. I wrote that she inspired me in several different ways, thus I cannot and will not ever forget her or stop loving her. I then apologized for having to break off with her so as to marry my wife of now 57 years. I concluded that I would never go and show up at her front door or call her on the phone or write another letter; and then I asked her not to write me back, and she didn't-- thankfully.

Because I was worried this could backfire on me if my wife found out [she was very concerned I would end up with the other woman back then], I told our son and oldest daughter what I had written, and the latter chose to read it and felt it was OK.

IYO, was what I did moral? Don't be afraid to question me as it took me a full year to decide to write the letter as I wanted to make sure I didn't violate my wedding vows. I believe it was and is moral, but I can see why some may think it's not.

I think it's fine. Bu then I've gone back to thank people from my past as well. I wrote a letter that got published in a small town newspaper to that effect. One particular man taught me that friendship knows no age, and I'm thankful for that. Another was a youth baseball ump who was the best ump ever with kids. At age 12 you don't really know how to show appreciation. I've also been on the other end of the stick, where former students thanked me.

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

About 6 years ago I wrote a one-and-out letter to a former girlfriend back in the 60's who changed my life as she was simply the nicest person I had ever met, and even though we did not make it together, the woman I did marry is/was so much like her. I wrote that she inspired me in several different ways, thus I cannot and will not ever forget her or stop loving her. I then apologized for having to break off with her so as to marry my wife of now 57 years. I concluded that I would never go and show up at her front door or call her on the phone or write another letter; and then I asked her not to write me back, and she didn't-- thankfully.

Because I was worried this could backfire on me if my wife found out [she was very concerned I would end up with the other woman back then], I told our son and oldest daughter what I had written, and the latter chose to read it and felt it was OK.

IYO, was what I did moral? Don't be afraid to question me as it took me a full year to decide to write the letter as I wanted to make sure I didn't violate my wedding vows. I believe it was and is moral, but I can see why some may think it's not.

Honestly, I don't know @metis. But that's because neither you nor I know what people need to find closure over events in their past -- or even if they're interested in finding closure.

Many, many years ago I ended a relationship with an absolutely lovely boy, sweet, good-hearted, handsome, down-to-earth, self-supporting. Everybody I knew was jealous that I'd attracted such a prize who actually loved me. Everybody I knew thought I was nuts when I simply told him I didn't think I could continue in the relationship.

My problem was (I was young then and learning about who I was) that he wasn't filling some inner need for me to look deeply into my own life, meaning, philosophy. He needed love, I needed argument.

For myself, I never deliberately contacted him again, although I did find out that he found a lover, and together they opened a really nice shop in a small Ontario town and basically "lived happily ever after," and I was glad to hear that. I do not think I would have done him any good at all to re-insert myself into his life with stuff that, hopefully, he had put neatly away and didn't need to know more about.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

@metis, I honestly don't understand.

 

[metis]

As a point of clarity - when you say 'break it off' do you mean that you cut off a friend that you had previously dated? or that you had ended the romantic relationship to be with your wife?

The latter.

 

[metis]

You've talked to your kids about it, and they approve. That's great. Would your wife worry if she found out about the letter? Would it hurt her feelings, or cause spitefulness?

It would bother her because she was so worried I would go with the other.

You're thinking about this six years later. Why? (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this, I'm really asking why.)

Actually, I was awake early several days ago and that series of events popped into my mind reminding me of how difficult it was for me to make a decision to write that letter. It took about a year to decide, and the last question I answered was would I be writing that letter for the right [moral] reason, and I concluded yes.

Thanks for the questions.

 

[JustGeorge]

It would bother her because she was so worried I would go with the other.



Actually, I was awake early several days ago and that series of events popped into my mind reminding me of how difficult it was for me to make a decision to write that letter. It took about a year to decide, and the last question I answered was would I be writing that letter for the right [moral] reason, and I concluded yes.

Thanks for the questions.

Did it bring you peace?

 

[metis]

Honestly, I don't know @metis. But that's because neither you nor I know what people need to find closure over events in their past -- or even if they're interested in finding closure.

And that's a good point as I had to think about how her and her husband [if she showed him the letter] would take it. But in the end of that letter I made it clear she would never get another one from me and I've kept that promise. I hoped she would take it as a compliment, which was what it was meant to be. Since she ended up teaching in special education, this is the kind of person she was, and I know still is.

 

[metis]

Did it bring you peace?

Yes, because she was such a caring person even when she had dropped me in our sophomore year. What shocked me is when she ended up falling in love with me in our senior year when a party was planned, and I had trouble getting ahold of the other women I had been dating at that time [we obviously didn't have cell phones], so I asked her out of desperation. I thought we were just going to date as friends, so I was literally shocked when she started kissing me on our third date.

Yes, I am at peace with what I did as I was doing it not for my benefit but for hers. Thanks for asking.

 

[metis]

@metis, I honestly don't understand.

Could you elaborate?

 

[JustGeorge]

Yes, because she was such a caring person even when she had dropped me in our sophomore year. What shocked me is when she ended up falling in love with me in our senior year when a party was planned, and I had trouble getting ahold of the other women I had been dating at that time [we obviously didn't have cell phones], so I asked her out of desperation. I thought we were just going to date as friends, so I was literally shocked when she started kissing me on our third date.

Yes, I am at peace with what I did as I was doing it not for my benefit but for hers. Thanks for asking.

I hope the letter brought her happiness. She sounds like a beautiful woman.

 

[metis]

I hope the letter brought her happiness. She sounds like a beautiful woman.

She sure was and in more than one way. The woman who became my wife [poor lass, eh?] was a better match for me as we both have some goofy streaks in us.

Thank you for your understanding and kind words. Here are two sentences from the letter I wrote that shows just how beautiful she was to me:
When I first met and got to know you, I felt that you were a living saint as I never had run across anyone before who had so much love and compassion, which made you as beautiful on the inside as you were on the outside to me...

In closing, I was right when we first got together-- you are a saint, and I just wanted to let you know in our "vintage" years the impact you've had on me. You have always had a very special place in my heart. May God bless you and your entire family, who are so fortunate to have you as a wife and mother.

BTW, during covid, she bought cartoon-based mathematics kits for elementary kids to do at home, and she would ship them out to whomever wanted them at her own expense. This is the kind of person she was and is.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

@metis, I honestly don't understand.

Could you elaborate?

I'm trying to understand what you feel might have been immoral. It seems to me that you dealt responsibly and honestly with all concerned, and that they should count themselves fortunate.

 

[metis]

I'm trying to understand what you feel might have been immoral. It seems to me that you dealt responsibly and honestly with all concerned, and that they should count themselves fortunate.

Thank you so much for your opinion. I was just trying to do the right thing but was worried it might be taken the wrong way as me trying to get back together with her.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

Thank you so much for your opinion. I was just trying to do the right thing but was worried it might be taken the wrong way as me trying to get back together with her.

Let's assume she took it as a compliment (i.e., as intended).