The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I keep getting thoughts about loved ones dying. None are dying, but sometimes my mind will wander and I start to think that death is inevitable, that some day I will see my close ones die and that's really hard to consider. I also consider that I too will eventually die, so what difference does it make WHEN I die? (NOTE: Not Suicidal!)
I want to just end it to avoid seeing loved ones dying, but I also don't feel comfortable knowing that in doing so my loved ones will be crying which I also don't want.
I feel like it's all a curse. I didn't choose to exist, and now that I exist I have to face the inevitable.
I can't stand the thought of seeing loved ones die. Especially since I am sort of a djck sometimes to them because I have an easy temper and an hour later I will feel really bad,
Then there are thoughts that everyone around me (besides for family loved ones of course) is just using me. I'm humble in real life because I'm afraid to come off as narcissistic, but on the inside I'm extremely egotistical and seek recognition, seek rewards for what I do, and for all of the good i've done reality is in depth with me but I'll never let it know that because I'm afraid of being viewed as selfish which deep down inside of me I am.
I've tried many methods and asked people plenty of times and took reasonable advice but my mind really likes to wander unless it is focused on something. When it wanders, no matter how hard I try not to, I can't stop it from walking into these ugly, depressing thoughts. Sad thing is, I also cannot keep myself focused for very long, because if I do I will quit after too long, being really impatient. So impatient but need to be focused. Selfish but humble. It's so contradicting.
I want to just end it to avoid seeing loved ones dying, but I also don't feel comfortable knowing that in doing so my loved ones will be crying which I also don't want.
I feel like it's all a curse. I didn't choose to exist, and now that I exist I have to face the inevitable.
I can't stand the thought of seeing loved ones die. Especially since I am sort of a djck sometimes to them because I have an easy temper and an hour later I will feel really bad,
Then there are thoughts that everyone around me (besides for family loved ones of course) is just using me. I'm humble in real life because I'm afraid to come off as narcissistic, but on the inside I'm extremely egotistical and seek recognition, seek rewards for what I do, and for all of the good i've done reality is in depth with me but I'll never let it know that because I'm afraid of being viewed as selfish which deep down inside of me I am.
I've tried many methods and asked people plenty of times and took reasonable advice but my mind really likes to wander unless it is focused on something. When it wanders, no matter how hard I try not to, I can't stop it from walking into these ugly, depressing thoughts. Sad thing is, I also cannot keep myself focused for very long, because if I do I will quit after too long, being really impatient. So impatient but need to be focused. Selfish but humble. It's so contradicting.