Interfaith Children

jmvizanko · Jun 21, 2010

How does one know if having children with their current significant other, who is of a different faith, will end in catastrophe?

My current situation is that of dating a fundamentalist Christian, and I am a very opinionated weak atheist. We have been dating for about 5 years, and marriage looks like its not far off. Our biggest concern is how our faith difference might affect having children.

I think I have much less of a problem with her teaching the faith to my children, than she does with me negating it with my opinions. I mean, the first day she tries telling my kid he's going to hell if he's not a Christian, I'm gonna be there wanting to tell himm that most of the world doesn't believe that, and why I think its insane (in nicer terms). But until you are really at that bridge, all the hypotheticals that you can discuss about it don't equate to what will actually happen. I think a lot of people get even more religious when they have children, and I guess I just am very concerned that this will be much more of a problem than either one of us are able to, or maybe unwilling to, see.

Of course, I don't think that these ideas are more important than many other things. We will both be teaching our children fundamentally the same morals, and general education (minus a few disagreements about a few scientific theories). I was raised Catholic, and its not like it damaged me or really ended up mattering in the end. So I don't know if I am downplaying it, but I just don't think it has to be as big of a deal as I am worrying that it might be.

Does anybody have any advice and/or horror or success stories? Is there any telltale things I could try to uncover in conversation that might indicate what I should do?

Tarheeler · Jun 21, 2010

jmvizanko said:
How does one know if having children with their current significant other, who is of a different faith, will end in catastrophe?

My current situation is that of dating a fundamentalist Christian, and I am a very opinionated weak atheist. We have been dating for about 5 years, and marriage looks like its not far off. Our biggest concern is how our faith difference might affect having children.

I think I have much less of a problem with her teaching the faith to my children, than she does with me negating it with my opinions. I mean, the first day she tries telling my kid he's going to hell if he's not a Christian, I'm gonna be there wanting to tell himm that most of the world doesn't believe that, and why I think its insane (in nicer terms). But until you are really at that bridge, all the hypotheticals that you can discuss about it don't equate to what will actually happen. I think a lot of people get even more religious when they have children, and I guess I just am very concerned that this will be much more of a problem than either one of us are able to, or maybe unwilling to, see.

Of course, I don't think that these ideas are more important than many other things. We will both be teaching our children fundamentally the same morals, and general education (minus a few disagreements about a few scientific theories). I was raised Catholic, and its not like it damaged me or really ended up mattering in the end. So I don't know if I am downplaying it, but I just don't think it has to be as big of a deal as I am worrying that it might be.

Does anybody have any advice and/or horror or success stories? Is there any telltale things I could try to uncover in conversation that might indicate what I should do?

Teach them about religion and faith as well as logic and critical thinking.

My wife and I have a similar situation, in that our families have various religions, while we personally didn't practice any. We taught them about various religions, what we believed, and how to process the information for themselves.

I find it has worked well; now that I'm heading towards a different religion, my oldest two and I have found ourselves in numerous debates.

Moonstone · Jun 21, 2010

I agree...and always teach them to keep an open mind. It still seems like kind of a tricky situation though. I think the best thing to do would be to stay neutral to all faiths (or lack thereof), teach them about all religions and teach them to use critical thnking etc. and obviously let your child pick when they're ready, but that might not work with your wife..

Sorry that I haven't been very helpful, best of luck to you!
xx

*Anne* · Jun 21, 2010

jmvizanko said:
But until you are really at that bridge, all the hypotheticals that you can discuss about it don't equate to what will actually happen. I think a lot of people get even more religious when they have children, and I guess I just am very concerned that this will be much more of a problem than either one of us are able to, or maybe unwilling to, see.

Have you guys discussed this at length?

I can see interfaith marriages working out, but only if the divide isn't super huge. I think the two of you should really sit down and evaluate how far apart you are on the issue before having children.

If she's okay with the children learning about and respecting others' beliefs, and if she's alright with you contradicting what she might be teaching them, then maybe it won't be a problem. Same thing with you...if you're good with her teaching them what she believes, etc.

Otherwise, it could get ugly. :sarcastic

Danny Heim · Jun 21, 2010

jmvizanko said:
How does one know if having children with their current significant other, who is of a different faith, will end in catastrophe?

My current situation is that of dating a fundamentalist Christian, and I am a very opinionated weak atheist. We have been dating for about 5 years, and marriage looks like its not far off. Our biggest concern is how our faith difference might affect having children.

I think I have much less of a problem with her teaching the faith to my children, than she does with me negating it with my opinions. I mean, the first day she tries telling my kid he's going to hell if he's not a Christian, I'm gonna be there wanting to tell himm that most of the world doesn't believe that, and why I think its insane (in nicer terms). But until you are really at that bridge, all the hypotheticals that you can discuss about it don't equate to what will actually happen. I think a lot of people get even more religious when they have children, and I guess I just am very concerned that this will be much more of a problem than either one of us are able to, or maybe unwilling to, see.

Of course, I don't think that these ideas are more important than many other things. We will both be teaching our children fundamentally the same morals, and general education (minus a few disagreements about a few scientific theories). I was raised Catholic, and its not like it damaged me or really ended up mattering in the end. So I don't know if I am downplaying it, but I just don't think it has to be as big of a deal as I am worrying that it might be.

Does anybody have any advice and/or horror or success stories? Is there any telltale things I could try to uncover in conversation that might indicate what I should do?

I would say that all things being constant outside of your varying beliefs, your children will be nothing but very interesting. And will probably have a better hold on their beliefs than the average person. One learns a lot in the midst of such diversity. One suggestion, dont expect anything from them regarding belief, live your own belief, let them have theirs. That will be hard for your wife being a Christian, but since she has already been doing that with you, maybe she can carry it on to her children as well. We always think our children are clones of us, that is such bs.

jmvizanko · Jun 21, 2010

Tarheeler said:
My wife and I have a similar situation, in that our families have various religions, while we personally didn't practice any. We taught them about various religions, what we believed, and how to process the information for themselves.

I find it has worked well;

I think that is a much simpler situation to deal with. At least you two were not fundamentally opposed to what you wanted to teach your children. The ideologies that me and my girlfriend would want to teach our children are basically at war with each other.

jmvizanko · Jun 21, 2010

*Anne* said:
Have you guys discussed this at length?

Well I think at some level she has avoided it more than I have, perhaps because she might feel it is more of a deal breaker than she is willing to delve into or admit. I am pretty cute, after all, so maybe she's just denying the cons because of the pros.

*Anne* said:
If she's okay with the children learning about and respecting others' beliefs, and if she's alright with you contradicting what she might be teaching them, then maybe it won't be a problem. Same thing with you...if you're good with her teaching them what she believes, etc.

Well I feel like at any point in the conflict that will inevitably ensue at some level, the thing that I could always remind her of is that a person will decide what they will about these things, somewhat independent of what their parents teach them and for how long. Of course, she is probably aware of what the "somewhat" in that sentence entails, that you will more likely get a person to believe in this or that religion the earlier and longer you teach them that it is the only truth.

*Anne* said:
Otherwise, it could get ugly. :sarcastic

I can imagine there will be some people to post some horror stories about this yet...

*Anne* · Jun 21, 2010

I'll share just a bit of my experience (and save you the boring details

):

When my husband and I first met, we were both practicing Catholics. We drifted away from the church together but never completely disowned the faith ~ we just stopped participating.

We had our girls baptized, but at that point, it was only to make the rest of the family happy. We really didn't care anymore. Or so we thought.

At some point, I really drifted, decided to officially leave the church, and started learning about Buddhism. This freaked him out, which in turn freaked me out because I thought he didn't really care anymore. Even though I had no desire to join another religion and was quite happy being an Agnostic (who just happened to like Buddhism), he was quite bothered by me turning away from Christianity in general, and it became something we had to work out over time.

He wants the girls to be Christian, and it bothers him that they have no religious training outside of what we teach them. I'd like them to have some spiritual guidance and a community with good influence, but the Christian training isn't a necessity for me.

We're currently trying to find a happy medium. It's not the worst thing in the world, but it does create some bumps in the road between us. Had we decided not to have children, I suspect it wouldn't be as big a deal.

I can't imagine what it would be like if he was a fundamentalist and I was an Atheist. :cover: Fireworks!

Rainbow Mage · Jun 21, 2010

Interfaith households aren't much of a problem unless you're a Catholic or a Jew. Both are very gungho about raising their children in their faiths. I've heard that sometimes Catholics and Jews marry one another and agree to let children attend both services. My great grandmother who was an Orthodox Jew, married a Roman Catholic, and when her children fled Germany they went to his Catholic relatives. That's how our family got away from Judaism.

TheKnight · Jun 21, 2010

Best thing to do is to teach them logic, teach them faith, and apply both. A parents greatest enemy in teaching a child his/her ideals is the parent's lack of personal application of said ideals in his/her life.

Danny Heim · Jun 22, 2010

*Anne* said:
I'll share just a bit of my experience (and save you the boring details ):

When my husband and I first met, we were both practicing Catholics. We drifted away from the church together but never completely disowned the faith ~ we just stopped participating.

We had our girls baptized, but at that point, it was only to make the rest of the family happy. We really didn't care anymore. Or so we thought.

At some point, I really drifted, decided to officially leave the church, and started learning about Buddhism. This freaked him out, which in turn freaked me out because I thought he didn't really care anymore. Even though I had no desire to join another religion and was quite happy being an Agnostic (who just happened to like Buddhism), he was quite bothered by me turning away from Christianity in general, and it became something we had to work out over time.

He wants the girls to be Christian, and it bothers him that they have no religious training outside of what we teach them. I'd like them to have some spiritual guidance and a community with good influence, but the Christian training isn't a necessity for me.

We're currently trying to find a happy medium. It's not the worst thing in the world, but it does create some bumps in the road between us. Had we decided not to have children, I suspect it wouldn't be as big a deal.

I can't imagine what it would be like if he was a fundamentalist and I was an Atheist. :cover: Fireworks!

But don't you think you children will figure all this out on their own someday? The best thing you can do for them is let them have their own way, and if your husband can not see it that way, it is his problem, not yours, and certainly not your children's. They'll grow up and get their own opinion, we all do, especially with religion.

Danny Heim · Jun 22, 2010

jmvizanko said:
I think that is a much simpler situation to deal with. At least you two were not fundamentally opposed to what you wanted to teach your children. The ideologies that me and my girlfriend would want to teach our children are basically at war with each other.

The best way to stop a war, is to let it go. It is always and forever that simple.

LuisDantas · Jun 22, 2010

Senedjem said:
Interfaith households aren't much of a problem unless you're a Catholic or a Jew. Both are very gungho about raising their children in their faiths.

Well, they are not the only ones.

Danny Heim said:
But don't you think you children will figure all this out on their own someday? The best thing you can do for them is let them have their own way, and if your husband can not see it that way, it is his problem, not yours, and certainly not your children's. They'll grow up and get their own opinion, we all do, especially with religion.

Sorry, Danny, but raising children does not work like that. There is far more to religion - and to the role of religion in the family relations - than simply choosing what to believe in.

For one thing, there is the dialog and the expression of values and goals. It can be thorny enough when a couple has divergences, it can be a nightmare when they disagree on what to teach their children. And no, teaching "nothing" is not at all an option. Parents are not only allowed to teach moral values (which are linked to one's religious outlook) to their children, that is in fact one of their main duties as parents.

The Neo Nerd · Jun 22, 2010

I don't have children, but i would like to say this.

Don't teach them what to think, but how to think.

Danny Heim · Jun 22, 2010

LuisDantas said:
Well, they are not the only ones.

Sorry, Danny, but raising children does not work like that. There is far more to religion - and to the role of religion in the family relations - than simply choosing what to believe in.

For one thing, there is the dialog and the expression of values and goals. It can be thorny enough when a couple has divergences, it can be a nightmare when they disagree on what to teach their children. And no, teaching "nothing" is not at all an option. Parents are not only allowed to teach moral values (which are linked to one's religious outlook) to their children, that is in fact one of their main duties as parents.

Your view is very narrow in my book, but if it works for you, keep it up.

Raithie · Jun 22, 2010

Teach them how to think, not what to think. Expose them to faith & science and let them decide for themselves.

LuisDantas · Jun 22, 2010

Danny Heim said:
Your view is very narrow in my book, but if it works for you, keep it up.

Narrow? What would you suggest as an alternative then?

*Anne* · Jun 22, 2010

Danny Heim said:
But don't you think you children will figure all this out on their own someday?

Yes.

... and if your husband can not see it that way, it is his problem, not yours, and certainly not your children's.

No. It's everyone's problem (meaning all 4 of us). I have to ask...are you married, and if so, are you raising children? If you are raising children, are you and your partner of the same beliefs?

Luis's view isn't narrow at all based on my experience as a long-time married mother of two. In fact, it's right on target. It's not that I think your feelings on the freedom of how to think are wrong ~ I don't obviously, or I'd still be Catholic

~ but how one approaches religion personally as an adult is not the same as how one approaches it while in a relationship with another person with whom you are raising children. It's a whole different ball game, trust me.

Danny Heim · Jun 22, 2010

*Anne* said:
Yes.

No. It's everyone's problem (meaning all 4 of us). I have to ask...are you married, and if so, are you raising children? If you are raising children, are you and your partner of the same beliefs?

Luis's view isn't narrow at all based on my experience as a long-time married mother of two. In fact, it's right on target. It's not that I think your feelings on the freedom of how to think are wrong ~ I don't obviously, or I'd still be Catholic ~ but how one approaches religion personally as an adult is not the same as how one approaches it while in a relationship with another person with whom you are raising children. It's a whole different ball game, trust me.

That is true under our present paradigm. But our present paradigm is extremely flawed, thus, the troubles we face. No, I am not married. And no, I am not raising any kids. I do not believe in marriage. And having kids in this day and age is not a good idea. Of course, there is a reality to that and I am not so adamant in my feelings about it that I'd shout it from the roof tops. But, I think we have a very seriously disrupted concept of what the love between two people is and how to live it out. The divorce rate and child abuse issues are enough proof of that. We have a long way to go in evolving in regards to the raising of kids and co-habitation of adults.

However, it is what it is. And so if one wishes to marry and have kids. Then the best I can say is walk real easy. Admit you know nothing. And let your children learn something new. Don't teach them the old ways. The children of today will have a big, big hunk to bite off in the future, what we know now is not going to help them at all, because life as we know it is ending real soon as a new and horrific paradigm is emerging because of climate change.

*Anne* · Jun 22, 2010

Danny Heim said:
Then the best I can say is walk real easy. Admit you know nothing. And let your children learn something new.

I agree that humility is key.

Interfaith Children

Uber Tool

Argumentative Curmudgeon

inactive

Bliss Ninny

Active Member

Uber Tool

Uber Tool

Bliss Ninny

Lib Democrat/Agnostic/Epicurean-ish/Buddhist-ish

Guardian of Life

Active Member

Active Member

Aura of atheification

Well-Known Member

Active Member

atheist

Aura of atheification

Bliss Ninny

Active Member

Bliss Ninny