Detachment and suffering

[1213]

I would rather not divulge what I am going through or what I fear is up ahead, ... ...detachment is the way to reduce or eliminate suffering, that is a Buddhist as well as a Baha’i belief, but what does one do when they cannot detach from a situation since it involves another person who depends upon them, a person that they care about? ...

Difficult to help without knowing what you think is up ahead. But, I think reducing of suffering depends on what is the reason for it and what is the suffering.

In your case, is it not possible to ask help from other people near you for that what is up ahead?

 

[samtonga43]

I know that story but it is just a story. You have no proof of any glorious afterlife, you just believe it all on faith.
That is your choice but you should not try to push that on others. It doesn't help, it only makes me feel worse.

Yes, they will have the support of their partner if they have a partner, but when that partner dies they will have no support anymore.

But did you not say that your partner has not been supportive?

 

[loverofhumanity]

I would rather not divulge what I am going through or what I fear is up ahead, I just want to talk about detachment and suffering. One reason I do not want to go into any details is because what people say very often only makes me feel worse and I cannot afford to feel any worse since I am walking a tightrope right now. I kindly ask you not to offer any religious platitudes about how suffering is good for us, as that is the very last thing I need. If you cannot help yourself, please do not reply to this thread.

Some believers claim that detachment is the way to reduce or eliminate suffering, that is a Buddhist as well as a Baha’i belief, but what does one do when they cannot detach from a situation since it involves another person who depends upon them, a person that they care about? I am trying to be detached from the situation but when does it become selfish to detach from the other person who is the source of my suffering, just to reduce my own suffering?

I feel like I want to die whenever I stop to think so I am staying as busy as possible so I won’t have time to think If I did not believe in God and the afterlife, I would probably kill myself before having to go through what is up ahead. This will probably be the most difficult test I have even endured in my life. If only I could be selfish and only care about myself this would not be that difficult, but I have never been one to think about my personal happiness.

When there is nobody left to turn to and no other hope, God is all I have. God is working overtime listening to my constant prayers just so I can stay afloat. I am asking God for guidance and assistance getting through this. God knows I would like to see a miracle but I am trying to believe that whatever happens is God’s will and I am 'trying' to accept that.

Dear Susan. I can’t imagine what you must be going through but you know I’m here for you anytime to support you in whichever way I can to help you get through this. You can PM anytime.

Just a couple of thoughts. Are you able to contact Lewis by home or on zoom or even visit to have a tea or coffee together? As he is occupying your thoughts so much communication with him might help? Another thing you mentioned is that you pray to God but He never replies, but in very traumatic personal situations I have written to the House of Justice and found them to be so loving and compassionate and their prayers at the Holy Shrines made a huge difference to my life. I strongly urge you to pour out your heart to them. It can be as good as an answer from God with healing for your wounded soul.

Whatever you do, know that we all love you and that you are not alone. We are your family too. Lots of love - David

 

[PearlSeeker]

I used music to pull me back up from the bottomless pit.

Music (my preference is rock) also helps me a lot during difficult times. Even if I feel just physically in pain and without energy.

Some examples:

 

[Truthseeker]

@Truthseeker

I just realized something and since you have been into psychology lately....
Probably one reason it hurts so much that Lewis is rejecting me is because I was rejected by both my parents...
It is the nightmare of my childhood all over again, when nobody loved me.

I can relate some. When I went through High School I had no friends there. I didn't feel any love coming from my parents, probably not because it wasn't there, but because I couldn't see it or feel it from them. My only love then was a cat named Softpaw. I do feel love though from Sara today. She will never reject me.

 

[Trailblazer]

Difficult to help without knowing what you think is up ahead. But, I think reducing of suffering depends on what is the reason for it and what is the suffering.

I explained exactly what is going on in this post to Nimos:
Detachment and suffering

In your case, is it not possible to ask help from other people near you for that what is up ahead?

I get some help from my counselor, but mostly he only listens and has no advice too offer...
I am getting help from my faith community and one man understands the system quite well since he retired as a medical social worker for the VA. He is guiding me through this. There are also other Baha'is who I can call, but I feel like I am bothering people when I call them so I usually try to go it alone. I have tried to find a support group for people who are going through the same thing but I have been unable to find one that meets in person since most support groups have gone virtual because of Covid.

 

[Trailblazer]

I can relate some. When I went through High School I had no friends there. I didn't feel any love coming from my parents, probably not because it wasn't there, but because I couldn't see it or feel it from them. My only love then was a cat named Softpaw. I do feel love though from Sara today. She will never reject me.

I think I had the same situation. I didn't feel any love coming from my parents, probably not because it wasn't there, but because I couldn't see it or feel it from them.

I had no friends in grade school but I did have some close friends in high school. However, my older sister was always the one who was there for me and we went off to college together.

I got my first cat when I graduated from high school but cats were not really close companions back then as they are now.

 

[Truthseeker]

@Trailblazer ,

Once again I offer this song from me to you:

 

[Trailblazer]

Dear Susan. I can’t imagine what you must be going through but you know I’m here for you anytime to support you in whichever way I can to help you get through this. You can PM anytime.

No, I do not think you can imagine it, not unless you have gone through it but thanks for the offer of support.

Just a couple of thoughts. Are you able to contact Lewis by home or on zoom or even visit to have a tea or coffee together? As he is occupying your thoughts so much communication with him might help?

No, I am not able to see Lewis as he is in the hospital 30 miles north of here on a Covid-restricted floor that allows no visitors, and I cannot drive on the freeway so I would not be able to drive up there anyway, I'd have to take three buses. Lewis made it clear he does not want to talk to me so I have not called him again since that would only make matters worse. I told him he can call me if he wants to talk to me but he has not called so there is my answer.

If you want to read the whole story you can read what I posted to Nimos: #8 Trailblazer.

Another thing you mentioned is that you pray to God but He never replies, but in very traumatic personal situations I have written to the House of Justice and found them to be so loving and compassionate and their prayers at the Holy Shrines made a huge difference to my life. I strongly urge you to pour out your heart to them. It can be as good as an answer from God with healing for your wounded soul.

I never thought of that, thanks for the suggestion. I might PM you with some questions about that if I ever get caught up on my Alerts.

Whatever you do, know that we all love you and that you are not alone. We are your family too. Lots of love - David

Thanks David, I will keep that in mind.

 

[Truthseeker]

I think I had the same situation. I didn't feel any love coming from my parents, probably not because it wasn't there, but because I couldn't see it or feel it from them.

I had no friends in grade school but I did have some close friends in high school. However, my older sister was always the one who was there for me and we went off to college together.

I got my first cat when I graduated from high school but cats were not really close companions back then as they are now.

How long ago did your sister die? Do you miss your sister?

 

[Trailblazer]

@Trailblazer ,

Once again I offer this song from me to you:

Thanks Duane. I will keep that in my back pocket but if I listened to it right now I would just start crying again.
I cannot afford to start crying, I have too many things to tend to, and I need to be strong or I will not get through this....

 

[Trailblazer]

How long ago did your sister die? Do you miss your sister?

I think she died in 2005. I was close to my sister as a child and in early adulthood but we drifted apart after that so I was not very close to her when she died, but now I have been thinking about her and my mother, who died in 2007, in the Abha Kingdom and wish I could talk to them.

 

[Trailblazer]

I have read the context, Tb. I am still appalled.
My advice would be to listen to Tony.

Trailblazer said: Lewis is doing just fine. The doctor said so. I am the one who need comfort and through all the good people of this forum I an getting it.

Tony said: The quote in my post was for you Susan.
#65 TransmutingSoul, Yesterday at 2:39 PM

@TransmutingSoul was offering support for me, not for Lewis.

That is what kind and compassionate people do when they see another person suffering.

 

[Trailblazer]

But did you not say that your partner has not been supportive?

I said: Yes, they will have the support of their partner if they have a partner, but when that partner dies they will have no support anymore.

That was a general statement, but it does not mean that all partners are supportive.

No, my partner has not been supportive, at least not for the last 20 years, but I have supported him nonetheless. I should have divorced him long ago but I knew he could not take care of himself and I had no interest in remarrying so I stayed with him. Had I divorced him long ago, I would not be going through this now. I am the one who is suffering because I still care about him even though he does not care about me. He just wants to die and get it over with even though he could opt for treatment. He does not care that I will be left all alone. All he thinks about is himself.

 

[samtonga43]

Trailblazer said: Lewis is doing just fine. The doctor said so. I am the one who need comfort and through all the good people of this forum I an getting it.

Tony said: The quote in my post was for you Susan.
#65 TransmutingSoul, Yesterday at 2:39 PM

@TransmutingSoul was offering support for me, not for Lewis.

That is what kind and compassionate people do when they see another person suffering.

Tony said: Also I would offer it is good to consider that one does not know how any other has been 'Hurt' and that in this reality we are all human, we have the same emotions and can wear many different types of shoes, though the sizes are not suited to all.

Do you understand that this also is support? Support is a lot more than words that make you feel good, Tb.
Do the right thing and visit your husband. Of course the doctors will say he is doing just fine. Go and visit; find out for yourself.

 

[samtonga43]

I said: Yes, they will have the support of their partner if they have a partner, but when that partner dies they will have no support anymore.

That was a general statement, but it does not mean that all partners are supportive.

No, my partner has not been supportive, at least not for the last 20 years, but I have supported him nonetheless. I should have divorced him long ago but I knew he could not take care of himself and I had no interest in remarrying so I stayed with him. Had I divorced him long ago, I would not be going through this now. I am the one who is suffering because I still care about him even though he does not care about me. He just wants to die and get it over with even though he could opt for treatment. He does not care that I will be left all alone. All he thinks about is himself.

Stop acting like a spoiled child, Tb. Please try to forget about yourself for five minutes and go and care for your husband.

 

[TransmutingSoul]

I will offer that my prayers are for Susan and Lewis.

Life is a complex journey, especially with relationships.

It is a journey that needs family, friends and community. That is the best scenario we can hope for, alone we are like fish on the beach. Do I hope both Susan and Lewis will have some family and community support available.

Online, we are here, but it is not the same, it is hard to help by words only.

Regards Tony

 

[TransmutingSoul]

@TransmutingSoul was offering support for me, not for Lewis.

Allah'u'abha Susan, may this day bring a solution to all the issues you and Lewis are now facing.

If I was there, I would hope I could assist both you and Lewis in someway, to make this all easier.

Know that you have my prayers and Ya Baha'ul Abha.

Regards Tony

 

[Trailblazer]

Stop acting like a spoiled child, Tb. Please try to forget about yourself for five minutes and go and care for your husband.

Why can't you just mind your own business?

26: O SON OF BEING! How couldst thou forget thine own faults and busy thyself with the faults of others? Whoso doeth this is accursed of Me.
The Hidden Words of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 10

27: O SON OF MAN! Breathe not the sins of others so long as thou art thyself a sinner. Shouldst thou transgress this command, accursed wouldst thou be, and to this I bear witness.
The Hidden Words of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 10

You are not God so you have no idea what my personal situation is, what I have endured with my husband, or what is going on now.

Stop acting like you know it all. My husband is being well-cared for in the hospital. My husband does not want to see me or talk to me. He does not care about me or how I feel, he only cares about himself and how much pain he is in. If he cared, he would pick up the phone and call me. Others who are aware of the situation also know this and they recommend I not see him or talk to him.

You are nothing but mean and critical. You just cannot help yourself as that is who you are.
I can hardly believe a Christian would ever be so judgmental in light of what Jesus said.

Matthew 7:3-5 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Nobody else, including all the Christians on this forum, have ever been mean to me or critical of me the way you are constantly.

If you don't want to humiliate yourself any further I recommend you cease and desist coming after me with your snide comments, because others can see your behavior for what it is, they are just too polite to say anything.

 

[Trailblazer]

Tony said: Also I would offer it is good to consider that one does not know how any other has been 'Hurt' and that in this reality we are all human, we have the same emotions and can wear many different types of shoes, though the sizes are not suited to all.

Do you understand that this also is support?

Yes, I understand that what @TransmutingSoul said is support since I know support when I see it.
However, nothing you have offered is support. It is only derision and fault-finding.

“The most hateful characteristic of man is fault-finding.”
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Star of the West, Vol. IV, No.11, p. 192)

“O ye Cohorts of God! Beware lest ye offend the feelings of anyone, or sadden the heart of any person, or move the tongue in reproach of and finding fault with anybody, whether he is friend or stranger, believer or enemy.”
Tablets of Abdul-Baha Abbas, p. 45

26: O SON OF BEING! How couldst thou forget thine own faults and busy thyself with the faults of others? Whoso doeth this is accursed of Me.
The Hidden Words of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 10