What are the obligations of family?

[Kapalika]

This isn't intended as debate but I've been thinking a lot about this lately. A lot of the reason it's been on my mind is all the messed up stuff in my own family, and it's kind of getting to me and I feel insane not knowing what the expectations are supposed to be. It seems to me that in American society, we value our family a lot less than in other cultures. On the flip side, we make less unreasonable demands and allow more freedoms to form their own identities not dictated by the elders of said family.

But how much of that trade off is worth it? And what do I owe my family and what do I owe them? In America and many other places it seems we forget our elderly, and we ignore our disabled like they are a disease and we shun those we are too embarrassed to call family. This is for the same reason that there is less demands and more freedom... we don't care. We stopped seeing each other as family.

What is it like in your family and society? What are you expected to do for others and what are they expected to do for you? What happens when these expectations are not met? How do expectations change over time or situation for you and your society or family?

 

[bobhikes]

What is it like in your family and society? What are you expected to do for others and what are they expected to do for you? What happens when these expectations are not met? How do expectations change over time or situation for you and your society or family?

You are going to find it is a personal decision. For me my Parents took care of me for at least 18 years, but even when I moved out they helped me. I would not be here today if it wasn't for them. Yes they drive me crazy but I pretty sure I have done the same to them. I owe them my life. As to my kids, I choose to have them, they did not wish to have me. Its my responsibility to give them the tools to live on their own. When I can help them or give them a lift I will. I expect of them to be good people. Yes my kids drive me crazy at times.

 

[Kapalika]

You are going to find it is a personal decision. For me my Parents took care of me for at least 18 years, but even when I moved out they helped me. I would not be here today if it wasn't for them. Yes they drive me crazy but I pretty sure I have done the same to them. I owe them my life. As to my kids, I choose to have them, they did not wish to have me. Its my responsibility to give them the tools to live on their own. When I can help them or give them a lift I will. I expect of them to be good people. Yes my kids drive me crazy at times.

If one of your adult kids needed/wanted medical treatment that would greatly improve their psychological state, and it was totally within your power to do so to pay for it without sacrificing any other needs or obligations (let's say they couldn't), would you do it? Would cost even be a factor? Would you consider it an obligation or responsibility or their problem?

 

[bobhikes]

Need yes/Want depends

I am not obligated or responsible for their problem, I act out of love of the child become adult. "No" can mean I love you.

 

[SpaceAgeLove]

America is based on heavily on individualism, competition, personal success and what others can do for you... not collectivism like other nations have been built off of. It only makes sense when we are taught to seek out the highest personal gain we can achieve, that we neglect others in the process of chasing that ideal we are pressured to follow. At least that's my theory. Obviously there are other more personal factors, like simply not getting along with family due to personality clash or them engaging in deplorable behavior.

I was basically kicked out at 18, hadn't even finished high school yet and told to "get a job and don't be a burden". Grew up with little empathy given to me and learned early on unconditional love is a lie, that everything in this life is hard earned. Needless to say, we aren't close and never will be. Ideally, I'd like to raise a child with someone and give them all the love I never got.

 

[Brickjectivity]

But how much of that trade off is worth it? And what do I owe my family and what do I owe them? In America and many other places it seems we forget our elderly, and we ignore our disabled like they are a disease and we shun those we are too embarrassed to call family. This is for the same reason that there is less demands and more freedom... we don't care. We stopped seeing each other as family.

I feel this is not the case in my experience, however disabled people are not easy to care for. Sometimes it is a matter of money. Sometimes the aged make the choice to go into retirement homes, because despite all contest they insist they are a burden. Sometimes its almost impossible to afford enough assistance to keep someone at home. Sometimes their health or mental problems are too complicated to deal with.

What is it like in your family and society? What are you expected to do for others and what are they expected to do for you? What happens when these expectations are not met? How do expectations change over time or situation for you and your society or family?

Usually the children take care of the parents as they age. That is what I have observed both on my mother's and on my father's sides. In both cases the grandfathers died much earlier than the grandmothers, however my mom came down with a gradually debilitating uncurable aging disease and she lived for over ten years, all of us caring for her and with some occasional assistance from a nurse. I only helped feed her and give her pills, but this was nerve wracking. The problems she had were much more than any of us could handle, so we all were harmed. Its not clear whether this was the right decision. It was a non-decision.

 

[SomeRandom]

Depends on the family. If they're abusive then you don't "owe" them squat.

But if your parents supported you all through life, fed you, clothed you, took care of you etc then palming them off to an aged care facility when they get old is kind of selfish. It doesn't matter where you come from. It's not about freedom either. You can be your own person and still take care of them. Even if you only hire a live in carer, if you have a young family. At least you did something.
I have seen stories of strong loyalty from Westerners. With attitudes like "they raised me, of course I'll take care of them." It's just how someone is raised. And personal circumstances. Though aged care is notorious for being poor, according to my mother and she worked there! So I wouldn't do that to my mother.