The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[Koldo]

Maybe it’s my own fault that people don’t like me. I’m always avoidant paranoid

It is just your overthinking taking you down and making you feel miserable.

 

[Koldo]

Once again I feel hopeless. Triggered by hanging out with coworkers, and this one guy kept rambling on and rambling on annoyingly about things I clearly didn't have interest in (I showed it through body language and tone of voice after a while that the topic was dragging on too long). He is also the type of person that talks over you and ignores what you say. I wasn't able to talk with other people there, he was bothering me the whole time and I didn't know how to respectfully say that I wanted to talk to the others there and find a way to get away from him.

I know I will be alright and be happy again, but I feel hopeless in my social skills again, or in a romantic partner ever accepting someone with as poor social skills as I have. I am much too considerate at times, I think... I somewhat let people walk over me. Not in any extreme way, but for example the above.

Ha. Don't worry. I am willing to bet most of us have gone through something like that before. It is annoying indeed. My personal strategy is saying I need to go to the bathroom and then upon leaving talking to someone else before I am approached again by the same person.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I think I will try to limit my time on the internet again. I do get my chores done, but I never make time for side hobbies aside from a relaxing walk or bike ride. My chores take all day because I do them in mass and take too many breaks and take my time with it.

I want to work more on my book instead of just once or twice a week. I want to eventually get into working out again, but I can wait until I am ready. I’ll start with those two things before I go listing more and overwhelming myself

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I also wanted to mention: I had talked with another person on Hinge. We talked for a while but I lost interest in the conversation, nor did I find her very attractive. Once again, no sparks and nothing in common as far as I can tell. I’m okay with it. I think I will tell her that I feel that way tomorrow.

Good news: an older lady at a place I regularly eat at and bring my laptop in with me (Hy-Vee) noticed I was writing something and asked me about it. She works there and I asked her for a take home bag and she started the conversation. We talked a bit and I don’t know it made me happy. I can now strike up small talk with her when I go there now. This has really improved my confidence.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Been low feeling again. My next door neighbor was originally welcoming to me, but my social awkwardness made me avoid her the first three times and now I stepped outside to grab my cat, saw her, and said 'hi' she said 'hi' in a sort of uncaring tone and looked away. It sorta hurt my feelings. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else though. Maybe some day I'll go and try to have an actual conversation with her when it feels right. She has children, probably ages 5-9 if I were to guess. I am also socially awkward around kids, even more so actually, so I would prefer to go when her kids aren't out with her.

I feel like a bad cat owner. I have to keep her home 13 hours a day while I work. One more day of it. She's purring beside me right now, I feed her and pet her, but I'm not good at playing with her or entertaining her. I feel like she'd be happier elsewhere.

At work I still fail at making connections, everyone likes talking to the funny charismatic guy but conversations die around me.

I've been working at the social anxiety stuff for over a year now. Little progress in some areas, mainly more relaxed and "I don't care", but still socially inept, still no close connections, still shy as hell and mostly avoid people (even more so lately than I was a month or two ago) What good does any of that do me? I want to give up again, become a hermit. So tempted. I think it's naturally happening, the "I don't care" feeling is sort of making me just talk to people less and keep to myself a lot more.

 

[JustGeorge]

Been low feeling again. My next door neighbor was originally welcoming to me, but my social awkwardness made me avoid her the first three times and now I stepped outside to grab my cat, saw her, and said 'hi' she said 'hi' in a sort of uncaring tone and looked away. It sorta hurt my feelings. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else though. Maybe some day I'll go and try to have an actual conversation with her when it feels right. She has children, probably ages 5-9 if I were to guess. I am also socially awkward around kids, even more so actually, so I would prefer to go when her kids aren't out with her.

I feel like a bad cat owner. I have to keep her home 13 hours a day while I work. One more day of it. She's purring beside me right now, I feed her and pet her, but I'm not good at playing with her or entertaining her. I feel like she'd be happier elsewhere.

Cats don't care, typically. They're happy to have you while you're home, but when you're gone, they're content to sleep, look out the window, jump on stuff, etc.

At work I still fail at making connections, everyone likes talking to the funny charismatic guy but conversations die around me.

I've been working at the social anxiety stuff for over a year now. Little progress in some areas, mainly more relaxed and "I don't care", but still socially inept, still no close connections, still shy as hell and mostly avoid people (even more so lately than I was a month or two ago) What good does any of that do me? I want to give up again, become a hermit. So tempted. I think it's naturally happening, the "I don't care" feeling is sort of making me just talk to people less and keep to myself a lot more.

 

[Debater Slayer]

How are you doing now, @The Sum of Awe?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

How are you doing now, @The Sum of Awe?

I'm feeling a lot more confident. I have been feeling pretty confident in myself since about Saturday around noon and has been pretty consistent since. It's a mindset I've had before time and time again, simply best described as 'I don't care what people think so long as I'm doing my own thing. Who cares if I seem boring, or disingenuous, or if I seem like I'm being pedantic, just do what I want to in the moment without thinking'.

I also went to my uncle's today (my dad was there) and I was pretty quiet there around my extended family. I didn't hate myself, I knew I could've tried to engage more if I wanted to, but the fact is I didn't want to, I don't desire to rebuild that bond because I just never had that strong of a connection with my uncle nor do I care to. I wasn't worrying "I am quiet because I'm shy" or "I'm quiet because I'm antisocial" or anything like that.

I also understand that basically if I want to make a bond with someone, I need to put in the social effort. I can put in 50% effort for a mild acquaintance-ship, 80% effort for a decent friendship. 100% effort for someone I have a crush on (might be shy, which I'll forgive myself if I am when I have a crush again) -- my point is, I understand that I need to put in the social effort to form bonds. If I choose not to put in social effort, I choose not to bond with the person. If I do want to bond with the person, I know what I need to do. Perhaps this understanding will help me with future relationships. I've always blamed my lack of socializing with people on "not trusting many people" or "being too anxious" and haven't really thought about it like this before.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

My therapist has helped me realize that it isn’t loneliness or depression making me unproductive. It is myself making excuses. He suggested that daily on my days off I am productive from the hours 9am-4pm (plus or minus an hour depending on the day) and with two ten minute breaks in that time, on top of lunch at noon. I have always tried making schedules for myself in the past but could never get it solid or stick with it when I did. I will try out this suggestion. I’ll also try to get in the habit of sleeping at 11pm and waking up at 7am every day on my days off.

EDIT: To mention he didn't deny that I was lonely and depressed, but that I was using them as excuses.

 

[Koldo]

My therapist has helped me realize that it isn’t loneliness or depression making me unproductive. It is myself making excuses. He suggested that daily on my days off I am productive from the hours 9am-4pm (plus or minus an hour depending on the day) and with two ten minute breaks in that time, on top of lunch at noon. I have always tried making schedules for myself in the past but could never get it solid or stick with it when I did. I will try out this suggestion. I’ll also try to get in the habit of sleeping at 11pm and waking up at 7am every day on my days off.

Are you trying to achieve something in particular in your days off?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Are you trying to achieve something in particular in your days off?

Just keeping the house clean and up with chores. On top of that I really want to get into writing more frequently and definitely work out just a little bit.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I saw my ex crush in public today. I was going to write a lengthy post on here describing how it made me feel. But I’ve decided I will be alright and don’t need to. I think this is a good sign.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

A lot of people in this world are just awful. Why do you have to be douchey?

 

[Quagmire]

A lot of people in this world are just awful. Why do you have to be douchey?

What happened Sum?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

What happened Sum?

There's this coworker that gets annoyed very easily when I don't understand something, they are very condescending when I ask a question and then she doesn't help at all. "Read the book" is all she tells me instead of actually helping out. I was trying to understand how to do a test on the part we were assembling but I didn't understand what the instructions were talking about at all (turns out there was a part that was missing), she just kept saying to read the book, and I tried again but when I still didn't understand it I said that I didn't get it, "What's this gauge?" She came over all grouchy and sighing and even said "Oh my god" and "I'm sick of this" (referring to me). There was more that followed like this, and my Lead is also condescending towards me and dislikes me (in fact my Lead insulted one of my other coworkers once, and subtly insults me basically every time I make a mistake) so I couldn't get her support.

I just remained silent for the rest of the night. I didn't get assertive or anything (outside of explaining myself). I let it roll off my back, I know she's just a jerk and I shouldn't care what she thinks. But she embarrassed me by doing all this in front of another coworker. And I wonder if my lack of reaction towards her hostility was not the proper way to deal with it, I didn't know exactly how else to deal with it. I know I'm not the smartest person at my job, I'm relatively new myself, she's been doing this to me (and other new people) before even my 6 months.

Anyway, it just feels good to get it off my chest. I know this will happen again though, it's almost every time I work with her (which is not very often, but who knows if it will stay that way).

 

[Quagmire]

There's this coworker that gets annoyed very easily when I don't understand something, they are very condescending when I ask a question and then she doesn't help at all. "Read the book" is all she tells me instead of actually helping out. I was trying to understand how to do a test on the part we were assembling but I didn't understand what the instructions were talking about at all (turns out there was a part that was missing), she just kept saying to read the book, and I tried again but when I still didn't understand it I said that I didn't get it, "What's this gauge?" She came over all grouchy and sighing and even said "Oh my god" and "I'm sick of this" (referring to me). There was more that followed like this, and my Lead is also condescending towards me and dislikes me (in fact my Lead insulted one of my other coworkers once, and subtly insults me basically every time I make a mistake) so I couldn't get her support.

I just remained silent for the rest of the night. I didn't get assertive or anything (outside of explaining myself). I let it roll off my back, I know she's just a jerk and I shouldn't care what she thinks. But she embarrassed me by doing all this in front of another coworker. And I wonder if my lack of reaction towards her hostility was not the proper way to deal with it, I didn't know exactly how else to deal with it. I know I'm not the smartest person at my job, I'm relatively new myself, she's been doing this to me (and other new people) before even my 6 months.

Anyway, it just feels good to get it off my chest. I know this will happen again though, it's almost every time I work with her (which is not very often, but who knows if it will stay that way).

Ever think about looking for another job, Sum?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Ever think about looking for another job, Sum?

I've thought about it. But, it isn't intolerable. I kinda just hold my breath through moments like this and know that I will be happy once I get off work. If it became more frequent I'd likely try something else.

 

[Quagmire]

I've thought about it. But, it isn't intolerable.

"It isn't intolerable" is a pretty low bar.

Your lead and your coworker sound like just what you said: jerks.

And you know why jerks act like jerks?

Because they're jerks.

And even as much as they go around pointing the finger blaming other people for their bad mood, it most likely doesn't have anything to do with anything that anyone else is doing.

If that's the case, there's nothing anybody can do about it. No level of competence or efficiency on your part is likely to make a dent for long.

Some people just want to be unhappy, and want everybody around them to be unhappy too.

Something that took me a long time to figure out and that I hope you'll take to heart: just because somebody's mad at you doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong.

Sometimes people treat other people like crap just because they can get away with it.

I kinda just hold my breath through moments like this and know that I will be happy once I get off work. If it became more frequent I'd likely try something else.

No harm in looking for something else in the meantime.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

"It isn't intolerable" is a pretty low bar.

LOL, fair point!

Your lead and your coworker sound like just what you said: jerks.

And you know why jerks act like jerks?

Because they're jerks.

And even as much as they go around pointing the finger blaming other people for their bad mood, it most likely doesn't have anything to do with anything that anyone else is doing.

If that's the case, there's nothing anybody can do about it. No level of competence or efficiency on your part is likely to make a dent for long.

I feel like my efficiency could be better, but I do try. I think I'm a slow learner and the lead is more rude than she has to be about some of the mistakes I make. And that coworker I was talking about, just flat out being a jerk about it.

Some people just want to be unhappy, and want everybody around them to be unhappy too.

Something that took me a long time to figure out and that I hope you'll take to heart: just because somebody's mad at you doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong.

Sometimes people treat other people like crap just because they can get away with it.

I think so too. It's unfortunate. I am also convinced it might be the norm.

No harm in looking for something else in the meantime.

That's true. I suppose I can scan the newspaper ads in my free time. Just a passing glance. I like my job, though. It's good hours and pay, the job itself can be tricky (hit or miss and it's rate based) and some of the people are just no good.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Update:

I really feel closer to confidence and acceptance than I have before. Granted, I often times will feel like I've 'figured it out' and feel extremely confident and self-loving, like I've accepted everything as is and all will be good. The feeling passes, I don't necessarily expect it to last this time either, but each time this feeling happens I feel like it's stronger than the last time and, at least this time, it seems to be lasting a lot longer.

I have removed my ex-crush on facebook, finally. The day afterward I still had a lot of thoughts pop into my head about somehow it miraculously still working out, somehow, in the future. Different scenario fantasies of just ways it could still happen. Yesterday, the 2nd day after, I had some of those thoughts too. Today, the 3rd day after I removed her, I barely had any of those thoughts at all. I still have it in the back of my mind that 'maybe it could happen' but it's a lot less reliant on it happening, no fantasizing scenarios or conversations if we did run into each other some day. It's gotten less. I feel like removing her on social media might've been a huge cut to the cord that ties me the obsession of being in a relationship with her.

Another big thing I realized is: I'm not as lonely as I think I am. I am pretty much in solitude compared to most social lives, and I do have friendships both online and offline but not any deep sense of 'best friend' or 'closeness' with anybody. And I'm pretty okay with it, more okay than I think I am. What was really bothering me wasn't that I didn't have a relationship, but that I didn't have a relationship with her. Now that I'm starting to let her go and accept it better, I am accepting the fact that I'm alone better and feeling more confident in myself.

I forgive myself for having dealt with 'nice guy syndrome' and trying to be perfect, because though it was disingenuous, I know I was just trying to 'evolve myself' and I had to figure out who I wanted to be, how 'good' I wanted to be and what things I could relax on. Now that I know I have definitely accepted (at moments) that I can live without her, I know for a fact I will never lose control over myself and will never cease to stop being the best version of myself (which was something I was always afraid of).

It feels really good.


About my issues with assertiveness:

I don't know exactly what I want to do with that bully coworker. I think with my boss I will just let it slide unless she actually says something insulting to me, because I can't really talk back to my boss for no good reason. But my coworker that's just a downright *******, yeah I want that to stop. Unfortunately I'm not very witty and I don't know how good I'd be at standing my ground in asking her to be 'less of an *******' I know wording it nicely like "Can you talk more politely" will certainly not cut the cake. Maybe I should just take this up to HR without saying anything to her? What do you say? Or should I use this opportunity to practice defending myself?