The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[The Sum of Awe]

After I was noted for being pretentious, I did some introspection on that. I think there's some truth to that. I think that could be what it is. Maybe I'm pretentious.

 

[Debater Slayer]

After I was noted for being pretentious, I did some introspection on that. I think there's some truth to that. I think that could be what it is. Maybe I'm pretentious.

How and why were you noted for being pretentious, if you don't mind sharing?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

How and why were you noted for being pretentious, if you don't mind sharing?

It happened on Reddit, when I made a post about how I feel like I have a poor sense of humor. I typed some things I've introspected, and a commenter said something along the lines it isn't the poor sense of humor, it's me being pretentious. It sort of makes sense, I do try to excel and be better than others, maybe more on a subconscious level because I know I'm not truly better than anyone else, but I must have that mindset. I am very prideful about my deep thinking and how productive I am. I clean my house constantly in case someone comes over so they can see I'm a clean person. I guess that in conversation (in person) I am pretty humble, I don't actively boast or anything, nor act holier than thou. But internally I do believe I am better than a lot of people I come across because of their various behaviors.

 

[Debater Slayer]

It happened on Reddit, when I made a post about how I feel like I have a poor sense of humor. I typed some things I've introspected, and a commenter said something along the lines it isn't the poor sense of humor, it's me being pretentious. It sort of makes sense, I do try to excel and be better than others, maybe more on a subconscious level because I know I'm not truly better than anyone else, but I must have that mindset. I am very prideful about my deep thinking and how productive I am. I clean my house constantly in case someone comes over so they can see I'm a clean person. I guess that in conversation (in person) I am pretty humble, I don't actively boast or anything, nor act holier than thou. But internally I do believe I am better than a lot of people I come across because of their various behaviors.

I see. Personally, I wouldn't put much stock in feedback from Reddit, especially if it's based on just one thread you made.

You know yourself better than anyone else does, though, so if your introspection has led you to conclude that you need to work on something, I wish you good luck in the endeavor.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I see. Personally, I wouldn't put much stock in feedback from Reddit, especially if it's based on just one thread you made.

You know yourself better than anyone else does, though, so if your introspection has led you to conclude that you need to work on something, I wish you good luck in the endeavor.

You're right. I honestly think it was more in the way I worded my question. I won't take it to heart or anything. But it's something to watch out for.

I think there's some common denominator here with my anxiety: fear of being boring, fear of being seen as disingenuous, fear of appearing pedantic, fear of appearing pretentious. I think these all have an underlying thing that I'm anxious about. Maybe I could bring this up to my therapist and see if he could help me figure out what.

Overall I've been a lot more confident and comfortable with myself lately. I approached my boss the other day and admitted that we weren't making rate after two hours (which is a new rule she had just instated yesterday), and I was getting chewed out by my other boss for a part being wrong that I and a couple others were doing the day before and I was assertive in saying "I honestly don't know who did that part, we all rotated" instead of freezing up and saying something anxiously (come to find out, this was a part we stopped before it was boxed, this boss was digging through the scrap bin to find something to complain about). And a few other good notable things that showed confidence in myself, I've noticed it doesn't bother me as much anymore when people don't like me. I can see the progress in my confidence.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It's been a month now and I wanted to be sure of something before I posted again.

A few things I want to say:

1) I am doing these things for me. I won't stop trying to keep up with cleanliness and chores, healthy eating and exercise, being kind and considerate, trying to become more social, etc. for as long as I live, regardless if I end up with a partner or not. And if I grew old or died without ever having found a partner, I would not view these things as a waste of time. I'm happy doing these things. I'm doing it for me. I will not give up. And I think that's the true definition of self esteem.

2) Although I have been trying to talk to strangers more, it's still very scary for me. If I try to make eye contact with them and they're not looking at first, they might think I'm staring at them. Or, They are way over there I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to them since I don't know them, that will be weird! Or, That person doesn't want to be bothered etc. There's just so many excuses not to. And when I finally do happen upon someone I walk by and make eye contact with, I might smile, say hi, and/or say "How's it going" but it doesn't go any further than that. Not to mention I'd have no idea what to talk about or say to start a conversation. I could always talk about the weather, but that's so cliche and I can't see that going very far. I dunno...

3) I still have the insecurity of appearing to be Mr. Perfect or an Incel or pretentious or whatever that holds me back from talking about myself openly. It's hard to talk about what I do over the week (since chores, exercise, writing, and working out take up a majority of it) without sounding like I'm boasting or trying to impress people (I think subconsciously I might be - why? Because I do hope having these traits increase my chances of finding love, or at least respect, but at the same time I am happy to do it for myself like I mentioned in 1.) -- I don't know if there's any merit to this insecurity? Or something I need to evaluate? Or maybe they're based on something someone once said. Someone at my job called me Mr. Perfect, around the time I first started truly introspecting and chasing my flaws like a dog chasing its tail. It still stings to this day. Maybe I should just get over it and feel free to talk about what I did this week, regardless of what it is - productive or lazy.

4) Have I found love and confidence yet? Yeah, right in the mirror Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong yet. My confidence doesn't seem to be validated by anyone who knows me except my parents. But then again maybe that's because few people know me. Who knows? I'm tired of putting so much energy into analyzing and correcting my behavior, I don't see anything wrong with my behavior, hope I'm right.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I don't have much more to say in this thread. I feel like I've made significant progress and I'm right where I need to be. I feel more confident, I'm getting better at talking to people. I have even made a few connections with people I consider friends. Bonus points, I'm doing better with my family.

I'd like to end it on a little note for anyone who is looking at this thread going through similar things I went through (social anxiety, loneliness, low self esteem). If I were to give one peace of advice, here it is:

The biggest thing for me has been accepting that I feel that anxiety and continuously doing my best to act calm and collected with it. It gets easier to perform under pressure that way, and then confidence naturally increases.

It’s a gradual process, much trial and error. Perseverance is the key.