Spouse with a Different Religion

[Shadow Rose]

I have been on a journey to find my home within a religious group and have found that in Hinduism. I am still learning and am at a point where I would like to become more active in the practices. I do, however, have a spouse that believes the complete opposite. Unfortunately, I did not come to realize his beliefs until after we were married because I was at a point in my life where I took a step away from religion so it wasn't important to me at the time. I used to follow the Christian beliefs and he almost mocks Christians and their beliefs. Even now he acts like I am stupid for wanting to go on the path of Hinduism. I want to be able to set up a place in my home for Puja once I have a full understanding of Hinduism but I feel very uncomfortable doing so around him and I know I wouldn't have the concentration needed for prayers/worship. I don't know if I am ready to go to a temple for worship yet because I want more understanding of the deities, rituals, and worship before I take that step.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

 

[Jainarayan]

I have been on a journey to find my home within a religious group and have found that in Hinduism. I am still learning and am at a point where I would like to become more active in the practices. I do, however, have a spouse that believes the complete opposite. Unfortunately, I did not come to realize his beliefs until after we were married because I was at a point in my life where I took a step away from religion so it wasn't important to me at the time. I used to follow the Christian beliefs and he almost mocks Christians and their beliefs. Even now he acts like I am stupid for wanting to go on the path of Hinduism. I want to be able to set up a place in my home for Puja once I have a full understanding of Hinduism but I feel very uncomfortable doing so around him and I know I wouldn't have the concentration needed for prayers/worship. I don't know if I am ready to go to a temple for worship yet because I want more understanding of the deities, rituals, and worship before I take that step.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

There is something called manasa (or manasika) puja, "puja in the mind". Find an online version of a simple home puja. There are a bazillion on the internet. It doesn't matter for what deity because you change it to suit your worship. You can print it out as a cheat sheet to follow. You can do this anywhere, at home during some quiet alone time, on a break at work. Make the preparations for a puja in your mind... visualize the items you'll use: an oil lamp, incense, a water cup, flower, anything at all that you would offer to the deity. Read the printed puja instructions, concentrating and visualizing it as you go through it, saying/chanting the prayers mentally. It's as if you are physically doing it but it is completely internal.

 

[sayak83]

I have been on a journey to find my home within a religious group and have found that in Hinduism. I am still learning and am at a point where I would like to become more active in the practices. I do, however, have a spouse that believes the complete opposite. Unfortunately, I did not come to realize his beliefs until after we were married because I was at a point in my life where I took a step away from religion so it wasn't important to me at the time. I used to follow the Christian beliefs and he almost mocks Christians and their beliefs. Even now he acts like I am stupid for wanting to go on the path of Hinduism. I want to be able to set up a place in my home for Puja once I have a full understanding of Hinduism but I feel very uncomfortable doing so around him and I know I wouldn't have the concentration needed for prayers/worship. I don't know if I am ready to go to a temple for worship yet because I want more understanding of the deities, rituals, and worship before I take that step.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

You should have your worship place set up. Your spouse should respect your beliefs as you do his/hers. If you or your spouse has any questions regarding justifications of Hindu beliefs and practices, feel free to write here on this forum. We would try to answer.

Best of luck on your new path.

 

[Shadow Rose]

There is something called manasa (or manasika) puja, "puja in the mind". Find an online version of a simple home puja. There are a bazillion on the internet. It doesn't matter for what deity because you change it to suit your worship. You can print it out as a cheat sheet to follow. You can do this anywhere, at home during some quiet alone time, on a break at work. Make the preparations for a puja in your mind... visualize the items you'll use: an oil lamp, incense, a water cup, flower, anything at all that you would offer to the deity. Read the printed puja instructions, concentrating and visualizing it as you go through it, saying/chanting the prayers mentally. It's as if you are physically doing it but it is completely internal.

Thank you so much for your insight. I will definitely have to try this.

 

[Shadow Rose]

You should have your worship place set up. Your spouse should respect your beliefs as you do his/hers. If you or your spouse has any questions regarding justifications of Hindu beliefs and practices, feel free to write here on this forum. We would try to answer.

Best of luck on your new path.

I don't know if it would be more of him not respecting my beliefs or if it would be me feeling uncomfortable with having a worship place around him. I want to respect him and his beliefs and I don't know if that would be disrespectful to him and his beliefs by having a place in our home for me to worship. With our beliefs being so vastly different I am afraid to make things uncomfortable.

 

[Vinayaka]

I'll give a different take. Harmony within the home is dharma. Getting along with hubby is essential. Nobody should be in the business of causing marital disharmony. I know that if it were me, (or in the marriage case, my SO and me) I'd have a real heart to heart, maybe over dinner, and find out what the spouse would tolerate, in an honest fashion. It might well surprise you. Then I'd abide by that, no more discussion. Even if it meant joining a faith you don't really agree with.

There is always what Jainarayan suggested, but the even bigger thing is that we Hindus believe in reincarnation. It's only one lifetime. You can pray hard to be born into a Hindu family next time, as it seems like you just took a wrong turn (away from Hinduism) this time. You're not this individual named Shirley. You're a soul in a physical body who happens to have developed the personality of Shirley for this lifetime. When this body passes, Shirley is over. The soul will continue.

Everyone can tolerate stuff temporarily. We all do it. We go to family events where we don't really like the people, we have colleagues we disagree with, etc. This aren't permanent situations, but we make the best of it anyway.

Best wishes. Welcome home (almost).

 

[Shadow Rose]

I'll give a different take. Harmony within the home is dharma. Getting along with hubby is essential. Nobody should be in the business of causing marital disharmony. I know that if it were me, (or in the marriage case, my SO and me) I'd have a real heart to heart, maybe over dinner, and find out what the spouse would tolerate, in an honest fashion. It might well surprise you. Then I'd abide by that, no more discussion. Even if it meant joining a faith you don't really agree with.

There is always what Jainarayan suggested, but the even bigger thing is that we Hindus believe in reincarnation. It's only one lifetime. You can pray hard to be born into a Hindu family next time, as it seems like you just took a wrong turn (away from Hinduism) this time. You're not this individual named Shirley. You're a soul in a physical body who happens to have developed the personality of Shirley for this lifetime. When this body passes, Shirley is over. The soul will continue.

Everyone can tolerate stuff temporarily. We all do it. We go to family events where we don't really like the people, we have colleagues we disagree with, etc. This aren't permanent situations, but we make the best of it anyway.

Best wishes. Welcome home (almost).

You don't know how much this helps. Thank you so much.

 

[Aupmanyav]

Any suggestions on what I should do?

Like Jai said, 'puja in the mind'. I do not need to go to a temple, I do not need to have a place at home to worship. I just call the deities to my mind and talk with them. They are very friendly to me.

 

[SalixIncendium]

Like Jai said, 'puja in the mind'. I do not need to go to a temple, I do not need to have a place at home to worship. I just call the deities to my mind and talk with them. They are very friendly to me.

I’m confused. What use does an atheist have with deities?

...Asked the theist who finds no use in worship

 

[SomeRandom]

I don't know if it would be more of him not respecting my beliefs or if it would be me feeling uncomfortable with having a worship place around him. I want to respect him and his beliefs and I don't know if that would be disrespectful to him and his beliefs by having a place in our home for me to worship. With our beliefs being so vastly different I am afraid to make things uncomfortable.

My mother is devoutly Hindu. My father was a western born Atheist.
Never really thought it odd that she lavishly decorated my childhood home with deities, honestly.
I’ve noticed Eastern born Hindus take a certain pride in their “Hindu-ness.” Perhaps because as immigrants, their religion is a part of their culture. They just do their thing and don’t give a toss what anyone else has to say or think.
Have a heart to heart with your spouse. If he (or she) truly loves you, then it’s not unreasonable to come to a compromise.

 

[TravisJC]

Welcome and hello,

First of all I'd like to say best of luck on your journey with Santana Dharma. As someone who comes from a Catholic household it can seem daunting to setup a in-home puja purely because of how other will perceive you, Hinduism, puja, etc. I can say that in the beginning I kept my prayer area within my closet, often hidden away from my family, and in the long run was only hurting myself. Most, if not all, of the religious things I did were kept hidden because I was simply embarrassed.

At the time I seriously started learning, performing puja, going to temple, I had been with my girlfriend for three (3) years. She too also had reserves about my 'new' religion. Again, I was very hesitant about sharing my views and opening up about anything related to Hinduism.

To make a long story short, all I can say is that you need to be upfront, honest, and confident. Whenever my family, or partner, asked me why I pour water over idols, sing, ring bells, wore this or wore that I would be vague answer, often embarrassed. After awhile I become more versed with scripture and my understanding of the religion started becoming dense, and my confidence started growing. The people in my life started to see how much it meant to me and my love for Lord Shiva started growing and growing.

Now, my girlfriend will often observe my puja and offer to help me. My family still holds some resentment towards my religion, but loves me none the less. Just be confident and willing to explain things. People will learn when they understand the why.

 

[Vinayaka]

Welcome and hello,

First of all I'd like to say best of luck on your journey with Santana Dharma. As someone who comes from a Catholic household it can seem daunting to setup a in-home puja purely because of how other will perceive you, Hinduism, puja, etc. I can say that in the beginning I kept my prayer area within my closet, often hidden away from my family, and in the long run was only hurting myself. Most, if not all, of the religious things I did were kept hidden because I was simply embarrassed.

At the time I seriously started learning, performing puja, going to temple, I had been with my girlfriend for three (3) years. She too also had reserves about my 'new' religion. Again, I was very hesitant about sharing my views and opening up about anything related to Hinduism.

To make a long story short, all I can say is that you need to be upfront, honest, and confident. Whenever my family, or partner, asked me why I pour water over idols, sing, ring bells, wore this or wore that I would be vague answer, often embarrassed. After awhile I become more versed with scripture and my understanding of the religion started becoming dense, and my confidence started growing. The people in my life started to see how much it meant to me and my love for Lord Shiva started growing and growing.

Now, my girlfriend will often observe my puja and offer to help me. My family still holds some resentment towards my religion, but loves me none the less. Just be confident and willing to explain things. People will learn when they understand the why.

You're lucky to have an understanding girl friend. Not all folks are all that open. I did take my parents to our temple once. (They are both deceased.) Mom asked if Ganesha was something like Mother Nature. She felt a vibration, as she was more open to it. Dad said nothing, but observed it was certainly no worse than other religions (sects of Christianity) he had learned to dislike. After that I don't think we ever talked about it again. With the exception of one cousin, nobody has ever asked. That cousin is fine with it. She even met my Guru at a talk he gave a long time ago.

 

[Aupmanyav]

I’m confused. What use does an atheist have with deities?
...Asked the theist who finds no use in worship

, I am sort of Bi when I am in company of theists. I answer them in theist language. When I am in company of atheists, I answer them in atheist language. No confusion. I have been a weak theist half my life, so I know how they think. I do not consider that bad, I only think that they are not yet evolved enough to embrace 'Advaita'.

 

[Shadow Rose]

Welcome and hello,

First of all I'd like to say best of luck on your journey with Santana Dharma. As someone who comes from a Catholic household it can seem daunting to setup a in-home puja purely because of how other will perceive you, Hinduism, puja, etc. I can say that in the beginning I kept my prayer area within my closet, often hidden away from my family, and in the long run was only hurting myself. Most, if not all, of the religious things I did were kept hidden because I was simply embarrassed.

At the time I seriously started learning, performing puja, going to temple, I had been with my girlfriend for three (3) years. She too also had reserves about my 'new' religion. Again, I was very hesitant about sharing my views and opening up about anything related to Hinduism.

To make a long story short, all I can say is that you need to be upfront, honest, and confident. Whenever my family, or partner, asked me why I pour water over idols, sing, ring bells, wore this or wore that I would be vague answer, often embarrassed. After awhile I become more versed with scripture and my understanding of the religion started becoming dense, and my confidence started growing. The people in my life started to see how much it meant to me and my love for Lord Shiva started growing and growing.

Now, my girlfriend will often observe my puja and offer to help me. My family still holds some resentment towards my religion, but loves me none the less. Just be confident and willing to explain things. People will learn when they understand the why.

Hello And thank you for your comment. What you said is very interesting. I have opened up a little to my husband about my desire to learn more about Hinduism and I think to a point he seems like he accepts my decision to pursue it but also seems to be hesitant. He asked why I didn’t just become Agnostic if I was such against Christianity. He just isn’t to a point where he understands why I want to do this. I spoke with him about creating a blog that could document my journey and he was surprisingly optimistic about it so that’s a huge step. I think we do need to have deeper conversations about it before I feel comfortable doing puja at home.
I have started speaking with my family about my decision and so far I have gotten a lot of hesitation from them and a lot of them trying to shove me back to Christianity. This is going to be a long road but I’m excited to start this journey. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and suggestions. You all have been so helpful.

 

[TravisJC]

You're lucky to have an understanding girl friend. Not all folks are all that open.

This is true. I don't know the OP's husband but I hope her the best.

He just isn’t to a point where he understands why I want to do this.

I don't know what your husband believes or knows about Hinduism, but I can only offer my experiences in hopes that they help you.

My girlfriend is not religious what-so-ever. She has had been through a lot of obstacles in her life that turned her away from everything to the acceptance that there is a higher power. Even to this day, after understanding, she questions religion and Hinduism often. All I can say is that everything will turn out OK and learning to explain is such a great tool. Whenever someone asks me a difficult question the best way to have them understand is to explain why something is done, for example puja. As Hindus we obligate ourselves to an array of things because we love God etc etc.

Best of luck.

 

[sayak83]

Hello And thank you for your comment. What you said is very interesting. I have opened up a little to my husband about my desire to learn more about Hinduism and I think to a point he seems like he accepts my decision to pursue it but also seems to be hesitant. He asked why I didn’t just become Agnostic if I was such against Christianity. He just isn’t to a point where he understands why I want to do this. I spoke with him about creating a blog that could document my journey and he was surprisingly optimistic about it so that’s a huge step. I think we do need to have deeper conversations about it before I feel comfortable doing puja at home.
I have started speaking with my family about my decision and so far I have gotten a lot of hesitation from them and a lot of them trying to shove me back to Christianity. This is going to be a long road but I’m excited to start this journey. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and suggestions. You all have been so helpful.

Link the blog if possible. I would like to read it .

 

[Shadow Rose]

I don't know what your husband believes or knows about Hinduism, but I can only offer my experiences in hopes that they help you.

My girlfriend is not religious what-so-ever. She has had been through a lot of obstacles in her life that turned her away from everything to the acceptance that there is a higher power. Even to this day, after understanding, she questions religion and Hinduism often. All I can say is that everything will turn out OK and learning to explain is such a great tool. Whenever someone asks me a difficult question the best way to have them understand is to explain why something is done, for example puja. As Hindus we obligate ourselves to an array of things because we love God etc etc.

Best of luck.

My husband doesn't put a label on what he believes but I would say that he is an Atheist.

I have found the more I learn about Hinduism the more I am able to explain more. I had a conversation to my mother yesterday about it and I think with what I was able to explain to her she understood more and I think that did help.

 

[Shadow Rose]

Link the blog if possible. I would like to read it .

I will certainly do that. It might take some time though as I have just started working on it.

 

[Aupmanyav]

My husband doesn't put a label on what he believes but I would say that he is an Atheist.

If he is an atheist then it is very good. Kindly tell him that atheism has been a part of Hinduism since ages. I am a strong atheist and an equally strong Hindu. Ask him to read this: Atheism in Hinduism - Wikipedia

Tell him that the oldest and the most venerable Hindu scripture, RigVeda, clearly supported atheism as far back as 3,000 years. This is 'Nasadiya Sukta', generally known as the Hindu creation hymn:

"arvāg devā asya visarjanenāthā ko veda yata ābabhūva ll"
The Gods are later than this world's production. Who knows then whence it first came into being?
Rig Veda: Rig-Veda, Book 10: HYMN CXXIX. Creation.

The only difference is that Hinduism bristles neither at theists nor atheists and wisely (in my opinion) accepts both.

 

[Shadow Rose]

If he is an atheist then it is very good. Kindly tell him that atheism has been a part of Hinduism since ages. I am a strong atheist and an equally strong Hindu. Ask him to read this: Atheism in Hinduism - Wikipedia

Tell him that the oldest Hindu scripture, RigVeda, clearly supported atheism as far back as 3,000 years. This is 'Nasadiya Sukta', generally known as the Hindu creation hymn:

"arvāg devā asya visarjanenāthā ko veda yata ābabhūva ll"
The Gods are later than this world's production. Who knows then whence it first came into being?
Rig Veda: Rig-Veda, Book 10: HYMN CXXIX. Creation.

The only difference is that Hinduism bristles neither at theists nor atheists and wisely (in my opinion) accepts both.

I never knew that. Thank you so much.

You all have been so unbelievably supportive and helpful. When I first started this journey I was scared and nervous but you all have really made me even more excited about starting this new chapter in my life.