Share your ice-breaking jokes!

[Neo-Logic]

Share some of your favorite ice breaking jokes that are good for any occasions such as presentations or hostings of events!

Keep it casual, light, good-humored, and right for many occasions.

Here is a nice one that I heard recently that stuck with me -

So .. one day, there are two cows talking in the fields.

The first cow says "have you heard of that new mad cow disease going around lately?"

The second cow replies "yea, tell me about it! ..... Thank god i'm a penguin"

Ok guys, keep on adding!

 

[glasgowchick]

This athiest was walking around the woods
from the corner of his eye he sees this great big bear coming at him
The guy starts to run for his life but trips up over a log and falls
The bear catches up with him, puts one paw on his chest, the other on his neck
with a loud voice the guy shouts " Dear God help me "
Just then everything stands still, a great light came from heaven and a voice saying
After all these years, you have not believed in me and now you want me to help you
The guy says well,,fair enough but would you please make the bear a christian.
Suddenly, everything returns to normal, the bear takes his paw off the guys neck
takes his other paw off his chest, Joins his paws together and says " Dear God, thankyou for this meal Im about to recieve"...


no offence to the non - believers...

 

[Unedited]

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "Have you heard the one about us?"

 

[jewscout]

you know i really don't have a joke...but usually just by telling someone my name (Huff) it evolves into at least a 15 minute conversation about the origins of my name.

 

[Neo-Logic]

Speaking of bar jokes ...

One day, a priest, rabbi, and a nun walks into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

-----

One day, a skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "gimme a beer and a mop"

 

[fromthe heart]

A mother browsing in the baby food isle as her mother wheels the child around occupying him.

Little girl in a cart nearby says, "Mommy can I pet the baby"
The Nana hears this and looks at the child and says,"I'm sorry honey, He hasn't learned to bark yet"

:jam:

 

[glasgowchick]

This duck goes into a bar and asks for a packet of chips
the barman says Im sorry, we don't serve ducks
next day, duck goes in again and says packet of chips please.
again the barman says, sorry we don't serve ducks
next day the duck goes back in and says can I have a packet of chips please
The barman says, I have already told you I don't serve ducks and if you come in again
Im gonna nail your beak to the bar.
next day the duck waddles up, do you have any nails.
the barman says nooooooo
and the duck says well, can I have a packet of chips please..

 

[glasgowchick]

This blonde got fed up hearing all the dumb blonde jokes
and decided to dye her hair jet black
this day she decideds to go out and show off her inteligence
pulls up at a farm, gets out her car and says to the farmer
If I can guess how many sheep you have in your field will you give me one.
the farmer says fair enough.
The girl looks round and says 152 sheep
The farmer says, well done which sheep would you like
she said, Can I have that little cute one at the back
the farmer says to her, Oh by the way, If I can guess the color
of your hair can I have my dog back !!!!!!!.

 

[CaptainXeroid]

Do you know any jokes that don't involve people or animals walking into a bar?:biglaugh:

This works better in person, and like number 57, it's all about delivery.

 

[Engyo]

There was this one about the sailors on an ice-breaker.......



ba-dump BUMP!

 

[glasgowchick]

Blonde goes into a pizza place, the assistant asked
would you like your pizza cut into 6 or 12 pieces
she said Oh 6 please, I could never eat 12..

 

[glasgowchick]

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

 

[mr.guy]

So a guy walks into a bar...

...he's just come off the mountain from a six month work stretch and is broke after paying off all his debt. He goes up to the bartender and asks:

"listen, i just finished a grueling patch of work and i need to get drunk or i'm gonna lose it. You gotta get me loaded, and i promise i'll do some work for you if you do. Can you help me out?"

The bartender thinks it over, and agrees.

"i got a couple of chores for ya" he says as he pours the man a drink, who puts it back immediately.

"All right, here's what you gotta do: first, ya see that big fella over there? He really pissed me off the other night. Go beat him a bit for me. Second, my buddy took off for a month and left me his dog to look after. Problem is, it's a mean, damn viscious thing. And it's got a toothache. I need you to go into the back and pull it's bad tooth out." The bartender pours another drink.

"oh, and one more thing. See that filthy, wrinkled, huge broad puking in the corner? I owe her a favour, and if I could get her laid, we'd be even. Get my drift?"

"Do all these, and i'll get you supremely drunk."

The mountain man takes another shot and nods. Braceing himself for his herculean tasks, he exhales loudly and exhudes determination. Grabbing a beer bottle, he heads to the front where a big, intimidating man sits. Smashing it over said man's head and incapacitating him, the mountain man wastes no time and marches towards the back door. No sooner then he finds the dog can tremendous yelping, growling and barking be heard by all in the bar, and continues for ten painful minutes. When the barking ceases, the man emerges from the back, grim to be sure and asks:

"Allright, now where's that chick who needed a tooth pulled?"

 

[Aqualung]

a baby seal walks into a club.

 

[Jaymes]

Oooh, that's terrible, AL! :biglaugh:

 

[kreeden]

With all of these people walking into that bar , you would think someone would warn them ???

 

[Mike182]

an english troop was walking down a dusty road in iraq, he comes across two men on the floor badl inured, one is an american, one is an iraqi militant

"what happend" the english troop asks

"i told him saddam huisane was an evil dictating ###### who needs to be taken down!" says the american soldier

"i told him george bush is a murderous lying thug who should be hung like a dog" says the iraqi militant

"so what happend then?" asked the english troop

"well," says the american "we were in the middle of the road shaking hands when we got hit by a bus!"


:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

 

[Mike182]

english man, irish man, and a scotts man flying in a plane

as they fly over scotland, the scotts man drops a bottle os whisky to celebrate

as they fly over england the englishman drops a bottle of wine to celebrate

as they fly over ireland, the irish man drops a hand grenade to celebrate

on the return flght, they land in scotland to find a young boy crying - "i was outside with my daddy, and a bottle of whiskey dropped on his head, and now he's dead" says the boy, the group back nervously into the plane

they land in england also to find a young boy crying - "i was outside with my daddy, and a bottle of wine dropped on his head, and now he's dead" sys the young boy, as the group back nervously into the plane again

finally, they land in ireland, to find a young boy laughing his head off, "what on earth is so funny?" they ask him. "i was outside with my daddy, and my daddy farted, and the house blew up" :biglaugh:

 

[Mike182]

four blondes have been captured, hung up on a rail, and are about to get shot

one is an advanced mathematician, one is a rocket scientist, one is a criminal psychologist, and the other is a regular bimbo

they are all shot at, bu tonly one of them dies, which one is it?

the bimbo, you have to be real before you can die!!!!

 

[Shadow Wolf]

A blond, brunette and redhead escape from jail. Deciding they can't run anymore, they go into a barn and hide in burlap sacks. When the police arrives, they poke the first bag, to which the brunette replies "Meow." The cop, knowing that was a cat, moves to the next bag and pokes it. The redhead replies "Woof." The cop then moves to the last bag and pokes it. The blone then cleverly says "Potato."

A blone, brunette and redhead are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. The redhead is first. The firing squad leaders starts "Ready.......AIM......" THe redhead interupts by shouting "TORNADO!" The squad looks, and the redhead runs away. The brunette is next. Again the leader barks the commands "Ready.........AIM....." The brunette then screams "UFO!" The squad turns around, and the brunette escapes. The blonde is set up into position next, the leader starts "Ready.......AIM....." And then blonde screams "FIRE!"