Self-confidence and looking beautiful/handsome

[MoonWater]

A little bit of background to show where I'm coming from on this: I've always been more of a tomboy type, being more interested in what society deems masculine. I don't wear makeup, usually don't wear jewelry, refuse to wear high heels, don't care about fashion or vanity pounds or many of the other things women are expected to. However there are occasional times when I feel like I want to "pretty myself up", not for any special occasion or anything I just get the urge. A lot of the time when this happens I'll deny these urges because I feel it would be going against or even betraying the masculine tomboy image I and those I know have of me. As such I not only feel like I shouldn't do it, but shouldn't want to feel like doing it as well.

However today, with some reassurance from my bf, I decided to go ahead and do it. Jewelry, nice top, neat hair, even a pretty skirt that's been gathering dust in the closet since high school (and amazingly still fits despite the weight I've gained). I went out to get a burrito and while I was out I actually found myself standing up straighter, feeling happier and more confident in myself and that attitude and demeanor reflected in my behavior when I ordered food as I was smiling more, smiling wider, and overall felt happier.

Now this all sounds really great and all but here is where my problem comes in. I've been taught growing up that self-confidence should not be based on appearances at all, that it should come from within. I've always had self-confidence issues but most of my life I actually embraced that concept and it's one of the primary reasons why I often refuse to go out of my way to "look pretty" unless I have to, regardless of whether or not I want to because I feel like if I did and gained confidence from it, it would be fake and false. And yet here I am dressed all pretty and feeling better about myself because of it, yet feeling like I SHOULDN'T feel better about myself because of it.

Sorry this has gone on for so long, I know it probably sounds like I'm rambling and I guess I am but well... I'm very confused right now and I hope I'm making more sense than I feel like I'm making.

To get to my point, what are your thoughts on the idea of looking pretty or handsome to boost your self-confidence? Is that ok and if so to what degree? I mean if we are truly confident in ourselves shouldn't we feel the same confidence regardless of how good we look? If appearances change how we feel about ourselves are those feelings ultimately false because they don't, or at least don't seem to, have anything to do with who we actually are as people? Is a person really being true to themselves if any of their confidence is based on how pretty or handsome they look?

What are your thoughts on all this?

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

Not easy to feel confident in a smart group if you look a mess.
But dressing for the situation does help you feel confident. (dressing up or down)
However confidence is much more than how you look.

 

[Skwim]

When you got dressed up and went out to get a burrito and essentially felt a new you, your inner self was telling you something very important: stop ignoring me just to suit your reasoned self. All of us should recognize that our emotional needs need to be attended to just as much as our rational side needs to be listened to. Now, you were told that "self-confidence should not be based on appearances at all," and have come to believe it. I have no idea why anyone would propound such an odd "should," because, frankly, I see no reason for it. Is there a downside to helping your confidence by feeling good about one's appearance? I sure don't see any. My advice is to do what satisfies you and forget about the "shoulds" of others. Create your own set of "shoulds," those that make your life better. As long as your decisions don't negatively impact others, why not? Just because you're more inclined toward masculine interests doesn't mean that you have to sublimate any feminine urges and needs. Find the happy medium, whatever form it takes, and keep it. It will be the real MoonWater, and not the MoonWater other people may think you "should" be.

 

[I.S.L.A.M617]

No problem with it at all. Epicurius taught that nothing which makes a person happy can be wrong. You don't have to answer to or keep up appearances for anybody. Do what makes you feel good; your real friends/loved ones won't judge you for it.

 

[dawny0826]

I am heavily into makeup artistry, so, it's rare that I go out without a "face" on. But, I don't wear makeup or dress a certain way for other people. It's all about me.

I enjoy the time it takes to do something creative with my face and doing what I enjoy and feeling good about that, gives me confidence. It's not about the reaction that I get from others at all, really.

I invest far more money in the realm of cosmetology than I do clothing and shoes. I'm just a jeans and tee kind of girl. So, I probably look odd most of the time, with my curly hair, painted face and super casual/frumpy clothes.

I think that confidence comes from how we view ourselves - our love for self. It's natural to stand a little taller when you're feeling really good about yourself. I think that's what you accomplished by dressing up - even though you usually forego that type of thing - it gave you a boost. Other people took notice and their accolades made you feel even better.

That's totally normal. Do what makes you feel good. You're worth it. You absolutely do not have to wear makeup or skirts to be beautiful, but, if you find that you feel prettier or sexier from time to time shaking things up or maybe even changing your routine...go for it. We should take time to do things that make us appreciate ourselves and we get to know ourselves internally better through experiences like the one you had. Have fun!

 

[Me Myself]

A little bit of background to show where I'm coming from on this: I've always been more of a tomboy type, being more interested in what society deems masculine. I don't wear makeup, usually don't wear jewelry, refuse to wear high heels, don't care about fashion or vanity pounds or many of the other things women are expected to. However there are occasional times when I feel like I want to "pretty myself up", not for any special occasion or anything I just get the urge. A lot of the time when this happens I'll deny these urges because I feel it would be going against or even betraying the masculine tomboy image I and those I know have of me. As such I not only feel like I shouldn't do it, but shouldn't want to feel like doing it as well.

However today, with some reassurance from my bf, I decided to go ahead and do it. Jewelry, nice top, neat hair, even a pretty skirt that's been gathering dust in the closet since high school (and amazingly still fits despite the weight I've gained). I went out to get a burrito and while I was out I actually found myself standing up straighter, feeling happier and more confident in myself and that attitude and demeanor reflected in my behavior when I ordered food as I was smiling more, smiling wider, and overall felt happier.

Now this all sounds really great and all but here is where my problem comes in. I've been taught growing up that self-confidence should not be based on appearances at all, that it should come from within. I've always had self-confidence issues but most of my life I actually embraced that concept and it's one of the primary reasons why I often refuse to go out of my way to "look pretty" unless I have to, regardless of whether or not I want to because I feel like if I did and gained confidence from it, it would be fake and false. And yet here I am dressed all pretty and feeling better about myself because of it, yet feeling like I SHOULDN'T feel better about myself because of it.

Sorry this has gone on for so long, I know it probably sounds like I'm rambling and I guess I am but well... I'm very confused right now and I hope I'm making more sense than I feel like I'm making.

To get to my point, what are your thoughts on the idea of looking pretty or handsome to boost your self-confidence? Is that ok and if so to what degree? I mean if we are truly confident in ourselves shouldn't we feel the same confidence regardless of how good we look? If appearances change how we feel about ourselves are those feelings ultimately false because they don't, or at least don't seem to, have anything to do with who we actually are as people? Is a person really being true to themselves if any of their confidence is based on how pretty or handsome they look?

What are your thoughts on all this?

If you feel you look more beautiful you will generally feel more confident.

Its not so important as to actually be more sexy or beautiful as to feeling so. Thats why some people might obsess over make up or fitness or whatever and still feel themselves ugly ( while having an appeareance mos tpeople would find beautiful) and it is also why a person that has an apprereance generally percieved as ugly will feel very confident if THAT PERSON believes s/he is beautiful or more beautiful than before.

I believe everything has contexts. If you know you can feel more confident dressing in a certain way, you have that option.

It is also important to understand confidence has areas. A person that feels ugly may not feel confident about flirting, but may feel confident about giving a lecutr oa topic s/he is very knowledgeable of.

So in this regard, it is being prepared that makes you feel more confident.

Beauty is kind of that ithis things. Its makes you feel you have a better tool (body) for what you are doing, so you are more comfortable (flirting, giving a speech, etc)

I think is good to dress and look the way you want to, and if you dont want to care about those things, that is good too, as long as you are comfortable with the effects (which will vary depending oseeral circumstances)

I know I have felt more comfortable to flirt since after I stopped being a virgin. Likewise, when Friends tell me x thing makes me looks sexier, it will boost my confidence to use it or look that wAy if I beliieve my friends.

Likewise , there are moments I dont care. I prefer myself with shoet hair. I think I look better with short hair and most (but not all) have said I look better with short hair an with long hair (not so long btw, we are talking maybe three months of growth, I have never had hair that reaches like from the to of my head to my neck one single hair so to say xD)

BUT for some reason I ce felt like not shacing my hair since some time now. I dont know why, something inside me feels I should be witholding the sha e cor something. No idea what

So in summary, there is nothing wrong with having things helping you feel more comfortable, but the more the merrier. Certainly, looks arent everything. ( though deownding on the area, they can help a lot)

 

[Me Myself]

When you got dressed up and went out to get a burrito and essentially felt a new you, your inner self was telling you something very important: stop ignoring me just to suit your reasoned self. All of us should recognize that our emotional needs need to be attended to just as much as our rational side needs to be listened to. Now, you were told that "self-confidence should not be based on appearances at all," and have come to believe it. I have no idea why anyone would propound such an odd "should," because, frankly, I see no reason for it. Is there a downside to helping your confidence by feeling good about one's appearance? I sure don't see any. My advice is to do what satisfies you and forget about the "shoulds" of others. Create your own set of "shoulds," those that make your life better. As long as your decisions don't negatively impact others, why not? Just because you're more inclined toward masculine interests doesn't mean that you have to sublimate any feminine urges and needs. Find the happy medium, whatever form it takes, and keep it. It will be the real MoonWater, and not the MoonWater other people may think you "should" be.

I agree completely. Specially about finding the happy medium.

I believe a lot in listening to our emotions.

You dont need to always dress up, but you shouldnt refrain yourself from doing so if you feel like doing so and feel you will like how it makes you... Well, feel

That doesnt mean it is the paragon of your self confidence, but as skwim. Says, there is nothing wrong with using it for "help" or support or aid.

As a dude i cna definetely see the appeal of not making a big deal about clthing. Do as you feel. If you decide you want to feel pretty here and there by dressing in a certain say, go for it.

I generally dress for comfort, but here and there, I dress in a way that friends have told me i look more "sexy" . Why? Because I feel like it.

Dnt need anyone's permission for it

 

[Penumbra]

A little bit of background to show where I'm coming from on this: I've always been more of a tomboy type, being more interested in what society deems masculine. I don't wear makeup, usually don't wear jewelry, refuse to wear high heels, don't care about fashion or vanity pounds or many of the other things women are expected to. However there are occasional times when I feel like I want to "pretty myself up", not for any special occasion or anything I just get the urge. A lot of the time when this happens I'll deny these urges because I feel it would be going against or even betraying the masculine tomboy image I and those I know have of me. As such I not only feel like I shouldn't do it, but shouldn't want to feel like doing it as well.

However today, with some reassurance from my bf, I decided to go ahead and do it. Jewelry, nice top, neat hair, even a pretty skirt that's been gathering dust in the closet since high school (and amazingly still fits despite the weight I've gained). I went out to get a burrito and while I was out I actually found myself standing up straighter, feeling happier and more confident in myself and that attitude and demeanor reflected in my behavior when I ordered food as I was smiling more, smiling wider, and overall felt happier.

Personally, I don't think you should worry about betraying some image you've constructed. Why not be dynamic? Let your actions and expressions define your image rather than defining and trying to stick to an image for yourself that may or may not match up with who you truly are.

I mean, I'm kind of a tomboy, probably in part because I was raised by a single father as an only child, so the primary model in my life was a man and his influences. I like kickboxing, submission grappling, a little bit of power lifting, some typically guy hobbies, I work as an engineer, I like to debate, I use words like "bro" when I'm talking to male friends, participate in pull-up contests with my co-workers, etc. But I don't define myself as that. I care very much about how I look, and I tend to express my appearance in a fairly feminine way. I feel feminine in other ways too. I generally avoid labeling things and just try to express myself how I am.

Now this all sounds really great and all but here is where my problem comes in. I've been taught growing up that self-confidence should not be based on appearances at all, that it should come from within. I've always had self-confidence issues but most of my life I actually embraced that concept and it's one of the primary reasons why I often refuse to go out of my way to "look pretty" unless I have to, regardless of whether or not I want to because I feel like if I did and gained confidence from it, it would be fake and false. And yet here I am dressed all pretty and feeling better about myself because of it, yet feeling like I SHOULDN'T feel better about myself because of it.

Sorry this has gone on for so long, I know it probably sounds like I'm rambling and I guess I am but well... I'm very confused right now and I hope I'm making more sense than I feel like I'm making.

To get to my point, what are your thoughts on the idea of looking pretty or handsome to boost your self-confidence? Is that ok and if so to what degree? I mean if we are truly confident in ourselves shouldn't we feel the same confidence regardless of how good we look? If appearances change how we feel about ourselves are those feelings ultimately false because they don't, or at least don't seem to, have anything to do with who we actually are as people? Is a person really being true to themselves if any of their confidence is based on how pretty or handsome they look?

What are your thoughts on all this?

I feel like sometimes good messages get corrupted by being taken too seriously.

It's good to tell someone that confidence comes from inside, to make them as self-reliant as possible. I mean, I certainly wouldn't tell a child that her confidence should come from her external appearance.

But when useful advice conflicts with reality, reality still wins. Especially when it makes you happier. I sometimes get caught up in issues about "shoulds" and "oughts" and one of the things I do is take a look at evolutionary biology to find an answer.

For most species on the planet, appearance matters. Displays of size, strength, health, fertility, color, energy, and these sorts of things, are what animals use to get laid. They're inherently superficial. Humans, being a species of animal, do have instincts. There's a reason that people generally (though not universally) agree that a hot guy or a hot girl is indeed hot, rather than someone who is according to most people, not. We have some shared characteristics, some instincts. Things like athleticism, social standing, health, fertility, have impacts on appearance, and we look for those things, and wish to display those things. We may be a bit more discerning than other species, caring about humor and compassion and shared interests and intellectual compatibility, but chemistry is still our body's way of letting its instincts known.

When you feel good because you look good, that's millions of years of evolution telling you that you're doing what has historically worked successfully to bring mates, social acceptance, social standing, and other things. The idea that confidence should only come from within goes against what all of life has generally been about. Inner beauty and character is a good message to convey, and it's good to cultivate as much as possible, but if you feel happy when you feel you look good, I don't see any reason to try to deny it, to distance oneself from that image, because that's always been part of life.

 

[idav]

To get to my point, what are your thoughts on the idea of looking pretty or handsome to boost your self-confidence? Is that ok and if so to what degree? I mean if we are truly confident in ourselves shouldn't we feel the same confidence regardless of how good we look? If appearances change how we feel about ourselves are those feelings ultimately false because they don't, or at least don't seem to, have anything to do with who we actually are as people? Is a person really being true to themselves if any of their confidence is based on how pretty or handsome they look?

What are your thoughts on all this?

I've always been partial to spiffing up when I'm sick that way if I actually have good reason for feeling bad I at least don't look it.

 

[1137]

Well you shouldn't judge yourself based on how others look at you. You seem concerned about feeling good because you got dressed up. There's no need to though, there's nothing wrong with dressing a certain way for yourself. That's much different than being concerned with what others think. In fact, I wish more people cared about how they view themselves.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I find life is much more enjoyable, fulfilling, and goes a lot smoother, when you deal with "is" instead of "should."

 

[Revoltingest]

People are always saying we should be this way or that way.
You decide what works for you.
But there is one important rule:
Never tuck in a Hawaiian shirt.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

I find life is much more enjoyable, fulfilling, and goes a lot smoother, when you deal with "is" instead of "should."

I agree.

MW, you got dressed up because you want to. You felt more confident, I think, because you did what you set out to do. You're just fine. You decide what makes you beautiful day after day, and nobody else can take that from you.