Religious one liners

[shunyadragon]

In West Virginia the Difference between a Northern Baptist and Southern Baptist is different sides of the creek.

 

[Revoltingest]

"And as he drove on, the rain clouds dragged down the sky after him for, though he did not know it, Rob McKenna was a Rain God. All he knew was that his working days were miserable and he had a succession of lousy holidays. All the clouds knew was that they loved him and wanted to be near him, to cherish him and to water him."
From So Long, & Thanks For All The Fish

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

Three distinctive features of different religious beliefs:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Church.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or Hooters.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

A bit long for a one-liner, but I like it:

A Baptist minister is on a train, reading his newspaper. Suddenly, the door at the end of the car opens and a somewhat frantic man enters the car and walks down the aisle.

"Is there a Catholic priest on the train? Is there a Catholic priest on the train?"

The minister looks up from his paper, but thinks "sounds like I'm not what they're looking for."

The man works his way down the aisle and leaves out the door to the next car.

A few minutes later, the same man comes back in the opposite direction.

"Is there an Orthodox priest on the train? Is there an Orthodox priest on the train?"

The minister thinks this is odd, but decides again that they aren't looking for him. The man leaves the car and the minister goes back to his paper.

A few minutes later, the man comes through again.

"Is there an Episcopalian minister on the train? Is there an Episcopalian minister on the train?"

This is finally too much for the minister. He pipes up, "excuse me, I'm a Baptist minister. Can I be of assistance?"

The man responds, "oh, thank you for the offer, Reverend, but we're looking for a corkscrew."

 

[sayak83]

 

[sayak83]

 

[Geoff-Allen]

"God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh."

~ Voltaire

 

[Geoff-Allen]

There was a bumper stickers site - not sure if it still in existence ... let me see ...

InternetBumperStickers.com

No actual religious category but worth a look.

http://www.internetbumperstickers.com/066811/l01/love_enem_stand_frnd.gif

 

[idav]

Most of these are jokes and a few are not. Thanks to Calligraphic Button Catalogue

Death? Life? I never did understand Zen.

Drag God into politics, and you've ruined His reputation before you know it

God created music so people could pray without words

God is watching-- it's a good thing He's easily amused

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts

God wrote the program, evolution is the output, meteor strikes are the reset button

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than going swimming makes you a fish

I get along with God just fine. It's his fan clubs that I can't stand.

I want you to know I've talked to God, and He agrees with me completely

If you find God hates the same people you do, you may have created Him in your own image

If you mix religion and politics, you get politics

If your religion never surprises you, you're probably doing it wrong

I'm an atheist. It's a simple faith, but it comforts me.

It's hard to be religious when certain people aren't struck by lightning

Judaism: an argument between God and His chosen pilpul

Lead me not into temptation--I can find it for myself

Many are willing to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity

Militant Agnostic--I don't know and you don't either!

Muslim...it's the new gay

Practice atheism, the religion of the gods!

Religion isn't the cause of war, it's the excuse

That voice in your head? IT'S NOT ME. ---God

The Bible talks about St. Paul, but never mentions Minneapolis

The idea that God is His own grandmother may be unsupported by Scripture, but who wants to offend God's grandmother?

The temperature of Hell is measured in degrees Calvin

The ways are many... The Light is one!

To have a few doubts is normal. To have many doubts is a crisis of faith. To have contant doubts is to be a Unitarian Universalist.

To you I'm an agnostic. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Unitarian Bible Study Today! Bring your own bible and scissors

Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp and your tuning key. Welcome to hell. Here's your harp.

What do you get if you cross a Unitarian and a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and asks, "Now what do *you* believe?"

What kind of car does God drive? A Plymouth. "For He drove them out of the garden in His Fury."

You're here to save my soul? I'm here to test your faith

There is no spoon.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

This one is in dubious taste!

Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.

 

[sayak83]

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Not exactly religious but I like it