Not really sure

[Demonic Kitten]

First off let me say that I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, OCD, ADD, and Anxiety. I take medicine regularly for it and I am proud to say I have been able to decrease the amount of pills I take each day. I'm an otaku, gamer, and a very curious person. I enjoy studying the different religions, but I also enjoy playing my games and being the otaku I am (reading manga and watching anime). That being said..here is the problem I am having. Sometime I have a hard time separating what I see/read/play and what goes on in the real world, so what it affects who I am. It affects my attitude, my ability to cope with stress, the ability to function in a normal society ... Let's just say it affects my day to day life. I can function, but it is a lot harder to do so. Most people tell me to stop doing those things, but see...here's the problem. I don't want to. When I am more of an otaku and/or gamer my ability to separate the real world and the fantasy world decreases and thus it effects my functionality. On the other hand when I study more religion the easier it gets for me to separate the real word and the fantasy world, but my functionality still decreases.

I just want to be a some-what normal person and I don't want to give up the things that I love in order to do so. The more balanced I am the more I am able to function normally... it's just I have a hard time balancing everything in my life. I used to think that there was something wrong with me (besides the obvious) and maybe that is a correct way to look at it. I think that all this time I was just being lazy... expecting to get something for nothing. Whining and complaining only brought me more depression and stress, which in turn made things more and more difficult for me.

I still don't know what prompted me to create this thread... maybe I need a sympathetic ear or someone to give me a good swift kick in the arse... maybe all I want is for someone to acknowledge my accomplishments instead of focusing on all the things that are wrong with me.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

First off let me say that I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, OCD, ADD, and Anxiety. I take medicine regularly for it and I am proud to say I have been able to decrease the amount of pills I take each day. I'm an otaku, gamer, and a very curious person. I enjoy studying the different religions, but I also enjoy playing my games and being the otaku I am (reading manga and watching anime). That being said..here is the problem I am having. Sometime I have a hard time separating what I see/read/play and what goes on in the real world, so what it affects who I am.

Are you decreasing the meds under a doctor's care? If you're doing this yourself, it can worsen your condition.

I have the same problem - separating what I do that's abstract from reality. The abstract seems so real. I meditate for this - once you learn how to meditate, you can do it wherever you are and whatever you're doing - and in just a few seconds you can divide the abstract from the real.

I've been talking with my doctor about this and we've been working with side-effects. I'm bipolar, too, and I've had just about all the side effects that one can have with all the meds I'm taking. So we're adjusting the meds and therapy, and it's a constant thing because [I suspect] our minds change just a little bit - sometimes they produce the chemicals that make us bipolar, and other times manic, and other times severely depressed. And the meds need to be arranged to fit these needs.

 

[Demonic Kitten]

Are you decreasing the meds under a doctor's care? If you're doing this yourself, it can worsen your condition.

I have the same problem - separating what I do that's abstract from reality. The abstract seems so real. I meditate for this - once you learn how to meditate, you can do it wherever you are and whatever you're doing - and in just a few seconds you can divide the abstract from the real.

I've been talking with my doctor about this and we've been working with side-effects. I'm bipolar, too, and I've had just about all the side effects that one can have with all the meds I'm taking. So we're adjusting the meds and therapy, and it's a constant thing because [I suspect] our minds change just a little bit - sometimes they produce the chemicals that make us bipolar, and other times manic, and other times severely depressed. And the meds need to be arranged to fit these needs.

Yes, it has been under the doctors care. ^_^

Balance helps me (guess that's why I'm a Libra)...maybe meditation can help me to find balance. I'll have to look into that.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Yes, it has been under the doctors care. ^_^

Balance helps me (guess that's why I'm a Libra)...maybe meditation can help me to find balance. I'll have to look into that.

Meditation has done wonders for me. It has to be taught, you can't learn it from a book or a video. If you're seeing a psycologist, ask about meditation methods.

As for reducing meds every day, that seems rather drastic to me, and an indicator of excellent progress.

 

[Demonic Kitten]

Meditation has done wonders for me. It has to be taught, you can't learn it from a book or a video. If you're seeing a psycologist, ask about meditation methods.

As for reducing meds every day, that seems rather drastic to me, and an indicator of excellent progress.

>_< I might have gotten my words mixed up there. It has taken me 5 years to reach the level that I am at. Learning how my brain processes things has helped me get a better understanding of myself. You know they say too much of a good thing is bad for you. I'm at that point in my life now. Trying to find balance in my daily activities is what I ultimately want to achieve.

I have a hard time explaining things and usually I have to attempt an explanation 2 or 3 times before I get it the way it sounds in my mind. My mind can be a quite chaotic at times, and my attention span is rather short. More times than not I make no sense (not even to myself)...sorry if this is one of those times.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

>_< I might have gotten my words mixed up there. It has taken me 5 years to reach the level that I am at. Learning how my brain processes things has helped me get a better understanding of myself. You know they say too much of a good thing is bad for you. I'm at that point in my life now. Trying to find balance in my daily activities is what I ultimately want to achieve.

I have a hard time explaining things and usually I have to attempt an explanation 2 or 3 times before I get it the way it sounds in my mind. My mind can be a quite chaotic at times, and my attention span is rather short. More times than not I make no sense (not even to myself)...sorry if this is one of those times.

I'm like that, too. And I'm writing a book.

I have to re-write a lot and take great pains to make sure that I am understood. I even think in colors sometimes, and I'm colorblind. But somehow it makes sense to me.

 

[Demonic Kitten]

I did some soul searching last night and I figured out a few things about myself.

1) My pain is self inflicted:
I have always felt "alone" because no one would be friends with me for long. I never had anyone to talk to about things that bothered me because no one would understand. I have always been alone, but is this darkness brought about by others rejecting me. No, it is not. It is self inflicted. I push everyone away because I am afraid that they won't like me for who I am or because no one would understand me. If you don't extend your hand to search the darkness then how do you know that no one is there? This wall that has been around me has a huge hole in it...some light is filtering in, but I still refuse to stretch my hand out because I am afraid. Afraid of what? Not being understood... okay so what if people don't understand you.. you have someone right in front of you trying his best to do so and you still refuse to stretch your hand out. Something is wrong with this picture...if my pain is self inflicted then does that mean everything else is? Are all my problems self inflicted? Maybe...possibly...probably, but now that I know I can do something to change that. If you need some way of getting your thoughts out how about starting a journal or writing... you remember how to do that right?

That was when I started to look at the way I do other things... like changing.... here is what I found:

2) I'm a liar:
I say that I am going to do things to change who I am and how I perceive the world around me, but I never do. Instead of actually doing something to change I whine and complain because 'm not changing or when someone doesn't recognize that I have change (which would be a nonexistent change). It's almost as if I am waiting around for a healing fairy to come along... or maybe if I close my eyes everything will be better in the morning. People can't change over night, but neither can they change if they don't actually do something to change. I think the reason why I say I'll do something and not do it is because...

3) I am lazy:
I think somewhere deep down I expect things to either be handed to me on a silver platter or that they will change because I want them to. Things don't work like that... you have to actually do something before a change can occur. Something else that I have noticed is that ...

4) I'm not motivated:
I realize this last night after my boyfriend and I had a conversation..as soon as he closed the door to my car I thought 'If he's going to act like that then what is the point in me changing.' Talk about a total lack of motivation, but see here is where I have an issue... Why on Cernunnos' green earth I am changing for anyone? I've realize that no amount of praise and chin scratches is going to motivate me to change for anyone...so now what? How about I get up off my lazy *** and do something for me. I need to change for me because I can praise me enough to satisfy me. Also... you kinda need to actually do something to change and I'm pretty sure you need to do it more than once before it actually counts.

Don't get me wrong... I love my boyfriend and I would do anything to make him happy, but I have to change for me and no one else. Change has to start with me and I have to do it for me. What about everyone else? Well I'm pretty sure if I change the way I see things and the way I interact with the outside world it will filter down to those I love. It will be noticed eventually. It's not going to happen over night, but I believe that I have found motivation enough to get me off of my lazy *** long enough to quit lying about changing and actually doing it.

The people I love deserve better than what I am giving them now, but so do I. I deserve a better me. I love my family, friends, and especially my boyfriend, but what about me... do I love me? I'm not really sure and it's time to change that. It's time to change into something that we all deserve...something that I love. It's is time to change from a mewling kitten to an adult tiger.