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Not Perfect

Discussion in 'Journals' started by JustGeorge, Sep 20, 2021.

  1. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    I'm an isolated person. Not necessarily because I want to be, but because its what life has given me. However, with all the ongoing house construction, my 'space' has been invaded with strangers.

    My house is not perfect. I am not perfect. Because of the nature of caring for the kids(some of you know two of them have special needs, and the other is a toddler), I can't attend to things like everyone else does. Ares runs outside after dinner? I have to deal with that. By the time I've caught up with him, I may be too pooped to clean up and save it for the morning. Our house is far from a disaster area, but its not in perfect order, and until Ares gets older, it probably won't be.

    Having all these strangers in the house has made me self conscious. People that know us know the situation. They don't judge. But when people who don't know come in, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I can't do everything perfectly all the time. Ashamed that I only have so much energy before I crash and burn. Ashamed that I can't just snap my fingers and have the kids do this or that, and that things appear so chaotic.

    I think perfection was drilled into me young. Because I did well in school, good grades were expected. Not appreciated, or praised, just expected. When I got an A, I got 2 dollars. My sister got 50. "Well, its easy for you!" my parents would say as an excuse. Any talents I had were kinda taken for granted. "Its just what George does." Even now, with friends, when I am struggling and I need help, I hear "You'll be fine. You're always fine!" To an extent, its true. I gripe and pull my hair for a minute or two, then I get over it. But this expectation of perfection so many hold for me has driven me to a point of self loathing that I've never really seemed to be able to get rid of. I'm far from being a perfectionist, but the cries of all the things I didn't do right through the years still stick in the back of my mind. It might be a layover from the abuse I suffered in early adulthood, or it might be from lack of support from childhood, but where ever it came from, there it is.

    Logically, I know my situation. I know what I can handle in one day alone others couldn't tolerate in a week, I understand logically I'm not a bad person. But what the head knows and the heart knows don't always match up.

    How do you handle your failings? Do you struggle with perfectionism or not living up to expectations? If so, how do you deal with it?
     
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  2. dybmh

    dybmh Terminal Optimist
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    I strongly relate to this.
     
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  3. SomeRandom

    SomeRandom Still learning to be wise
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    Aww
    *hugs* @JustGeorge
    You’re doing a great job

    My fault is my stubbornness and pride. I find it difficult to ask for help, even when I’m in desperate need. A trait I inherited from my father
     
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  4. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    Me too. It makes me feel weak. And then on the rare occasions I do ask for help, its either denied, or folks don't follow through thinking I'll be okay in the end. And I am. But it sucks getting to 'okay' sometimes.
     
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  5. SomeRandom

    SomeRandom Still learning to be wise
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    Aww that’s not good. It’s not a sign of weakness to need help. It takes courage to admit when you need help
    Have another hug
     
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  6. ChristineM

    ChristineM "Be strong" I whispered to my coffee.
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    My motto is 'do the best you can'... And i believe that you do do the best you can even in difficult circumstances. Try not to be ashamed of not being perfect, no one is perfect so what point is kicking yourself for being normal?
     
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  7. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    Interestingly, I find people bond more over faults and vices than virtues and perfection. Though, this is just what I've observed.
     
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  8. John53

    John53 Well-Known Member

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    We're both retired, live comfortably so have the time and means but our place is far from perfect. My motto is, why do today what can be put off until tomorrow (or next month). I'd rather go take photos or procrastinate at the computer. We just keep it clean enough in case of surprise visitors lol
     
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  9. Unveiled Artist

    Unveiled Artist Shrugs. I tried.

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    R (1).gif
    Pooh hug! You got this!
     
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  10. sun rise

    sun rise "This is the Hour of God"
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    Thinking about what you wrote, my feeling is that what you need is someone who can look you in the eye, just listen to you, feel what you are feeling, understand and give you a big hug.

    I wrote this because you know the issue is perfectionism, you know the emotions you are feeling, you know how your childhood experiences play into who you are today, you see how your present circumstances make life hard, you know there's a better way of being and you are motivated to work on yourself to get there.

    I'm not a perfectionist but I have my own list of issues. Personally I've found music very helpful. The right kind of music can refill a drained person, lift one's mood, suggest through the pattern of the music working out of problems and so forth.

    This is one of my favorites because the mantra speaks to my deep essence and, for me, fills me with sunlight, lifts my mood and restores optimism and good cheer:

     
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  11. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    Right before I read this, I had someone at my feet, doing just that...

    IMG_0021.jpg

    Ears both perked, eyes focused, tail wagging... "Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it for you!"

    Until a few weeks ago, Ares didn't like music. Spontaneously, he now likes Queen, Nine Inch Nails, and Nirvana.

    Fat Bottom Girls, We Will Rock You(Queen) and Sliver(Nirvana) are pretty good 'cheer me up' songs to have playing in the background. And we've used Sliver for reading lessons this week(he reads the lyrics for practice, and then we talk about what the person in the song is going through for comprehension. Ares is homeschooled, so I have the ability to get creative with my lessons.)
     
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  12. Nakosis

    Nakosis Time Efficient Lollygagger
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    Perfection is a myth. No sense in trying to live up to a fantasy.

    Sure people will judge you but so what, seems you had no need for this type anyway.
     
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  13. Quagmire

    Quagmire Imaginary talking monkey
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    Looks like he thinks you're perfect. And animal's generally understand people a lot better than people do.
     
    #13 Quagmire, Sep 20, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2021
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  14. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    The puppy seems to have chosen me... while she likes the rest of the family(well, Ares and her both seem to maintain a healthy distance, as she doesn't like noise and he doesn't like speed), she is definitely my dog.

    We are signing her up for obedience class today. We bought her with the idea that she was a husky/terrier mix. The vet said there's definitely husky, but absolutely no terrier, and gave two other things he thought she might be mixed with, and to put it simply, formal training is going to be in my best interests.
     
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  15. RayofLight

    RayofLight My pronouns: they/them

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    I realized most dont care. They don't notice shortcomings cuz they too absorbed in their own mess.
     
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  16. Quagmire

    Quagmire Imaginary talking monkey
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    "You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do".

    --- sometimes attributed to Benjamin Franklin
     
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  17. Trailblazer

    Trailblazer Veteran Member

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    I totally hear you. I also know these things yet my head and my heart do not match up. Nobody would put up with what I have to put up with because they would not be in my situation in the first place. My house and property and everything that surrounds living in it is really the biggest problem I face in life right now, because for the first time in 20 years I do not have any cats that are seriously ill and near death. I have ample money and my husband's health is probably okay and I am healthy, so what else is there to worry about? I was informed last Friday that I will be getting money that the rental assistance program has approved since one tenant owes me 18,000. They will be paying his rent through the end of August so the tenant still owes me for September going forward but I will deal with him as soon as I get the back rent owed from the rental assistance program.

    I might lose my job next month because of the Covid mandate but I can retire and go on since i don't need the money I get from continuing to work. But my house will still be here and some days I feel so bad about it I want to die. This is not realty about perfectionism, it is a REAL situation. It is not just about the way the inside of the house looks, it is all the wild animals outside that have completely taken over our property. They are in the trees, on the roof, in the attic, in the crawl space. I am too afraid to go in my garage or in the downstairs level of my house. I cannot even remember the last time I even looked in there and the longer I wait to look the more anxiety I have.

    Logically speaking, I know I need to be prepared for what I will see when I go in there.but I am not prepared and I don't know if or when I will ever be prepared. I used to send my husband to look but I have not even done that in many months. Why would I wish they were dead over this? I cannot say I know, it is just a feeling, but I will be discussing it with my new counselor and hopefully we can come up with a battle plan. I know I feel guilty for allowing the home situation to get this bad but I don't feel this is all my fault. How much is and how much isn't I don't know. It just happened over the years and now I have to deal with it.

    I am not sure how much longer I can deal with my home situation. However everything is on hold until I know if my medical accommodation is approved by HR such that I will know if I still have a job or not, because having to retire would be a game changer.
     
    #17 Trailblazer, Sep 20, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2021
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  18. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    I'm finding its less about what others think, and more about this impossible standard I hold myself up to.
     
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  19. RayofLight

    RayofLight My pronouns: they/them

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    I get that.
     
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  20. Quagmire

    Quagmire Imaginary talking monkey
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    You know guys, I wouldn't worry too much about not being perfect. I mean you think it's easy being this way?

    I mean, I can't walk down the street with out somebody pointing and saying, "There he goes, Mr Perfect". And of course it doesn't help that that's actually my name.

    Seriously, everybody expects you to do exactly the right thing in exactly the right way, all of the time. And then you do, and that only makes it worse.

    I dream about making a mistake someday, hopefully in front of a whole bunch of people. But I know that's never going to happen.

    Really, you guys don't know how good you got it
    :(
     
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