I'm very sorry to hear your family is in such a difficult position as this. If you would find it of any use, I would be happy to offer what prayers I may for you and your family.
bigvindaloo said:
With as much equanimity as possible. Children do no need to relive garbage from parental discord in their adult life. I maintain direct care of children from the relationship at a substantial level. I am mostly concerned about how they are coping with the situation.
Is there any possibility of the family sitting down with a family counselor? Or just the kids, who will be needing help coping with this situation? Or just you and your wife? Heck, even if you're the only one willing, it may be of help. Often if we modify our behaviour so as not to "trigger" the other person, it helps the situation. You might be inadvertently doing something to make her act less rationally. It happens all the time in relationships. And it might have absolutely nothing to do with you.
My wife left me on Fathers Day 2005 with the two kids.
A tacky choice of days, at best.
I did not see them for 3 weeks. She went immediately to the Court to organise orders for their custody. Since then I have been involved in a legal process with its own timeline imposed on discussions over my children's welfare.
Uh...bigvindaloo, do you realize how odd it looks on my screen to read you talking about "my" children? They are still "our" children, and how we think of a situation does affect how we act. It will aid conversation between you and your wife if you keep thinking "our" children. Well, I don't mean to be picky or anything, but it's amazing what a difference words make in how we end up acting.
My personal position is guided by my Buddhist beliefs and studies in law. I am of the utmost opinion that family related disputes have no place in a legal context, considering the best interests of children.
Regrettably, in cases of marriages breaking up, often both parents are a bit unhinged, so it's best to put some decisions in the hands of an institution that is a bit more objective. And in a situation where only one parent is unhinged, it still requires some sort of authority to come to an equitable solution *and force the unhinged party to accept it*.
However, the OP is about how one should respond to a situation where one partner involved in marriage breakdown involving children is perceived to be acting irresponsibly by the other party. Is a legal solution the only acceptable solution? Or should I conform simply to my Buddhist beliefs and remain equanimous irrespective of the outcome of the legal process?
What other options do you have, other than legal ones?
It would be best to remain equanimous at any rate. Isn't it somewhat out of your hands? We Baha'is have several prayers for detachment, and there are certainly times when I use them.
Even if the outcome seems unjust to you, equanimity will aid the process of finding a reasonable outcome for your children.
In my religion, we are advised to obey the decisions of institutions wholeheartely. This is not done out of blind obedience, but out of a knowledge that, if the decision really is a bad one, it will be discovered to be poor earlier so that it can be remedied. If everyone supports the decision wholeheartedly, then there is no question that some effort did not work because it was undercut by some members. We maintain our spirit of unity in this way and avoid infighting that only does more harm than any bad decision could.
I have found this works in family relationships as well. If a relationship is breaking up but both parties are setting aside their egos and personal desires, then if the court or some other institution makes a bad decision, it will be seen to need adjustment sooner rather than later. And there can be no energy wasted in accusations and counter-accusations that one party is not holding up their end of the deal.
How would a person with Christian faith deal with such a situation differently to a Buddhist?
Christians I know would go to their pastor, priest, or the Marriage Tribunal or some other such body. But that only works if both parties are Christians of denomonations where they would both find that acceptable.
As a Baha'i, if I were in such a situation I would be seeking guidance from my Local Spiritual Assembly. The National Spiritual Assembly also has assisstance they can offer. Such things are not legally binding, but here if the parents can come to an agreement on their own, the courts will rubber stamp it. And that only works for me because my husband, even when he was still an agnostic, would agree to it.
The thing is, the institutions have no power to demand a party do anything, so it is again all dependent on both parties being willing to cooperate with the institution and abide by its recommendation.
Having served on LSAs before, I've certainly seen cases where one party in the marriage proved unwilling to do anything the LSA recommended, even as simple as meeting in a friendly way for prayers and just to read a passage or two from the Writings.
I've observed that such individuals usually encounter some very severe challenges in life later on, but that's another story for another thread on the nature of spiritual tests.
Do nothing, and think nothing, that will send out any bad energy. Focus only on the welfare of your children. And be patient and wait for events to work themselves out.
I am forever telling my best friend, who is sometimes very impatient in the face of injustice, that karma always works, but you just have to give it some time.
Be well,
Sharon
