My Wife Is Afraid Of Me

[cardero]

Three years of living together and my wife is startled by my very presence. I admit it is a small place where we live but not as small to initiate that kind of reaction or produce the kind of terror in her. I do not lurk, I do not sneak, I do not burst onto a scene. If there is something I need from her or if I am just putting something away she jumps, she startles, she gasps, she clutches her heart and loses her breath. I keep on insisting that I live here with her and try to ask her who else she thinks it might be but I rarely get an answer after she regains consciousness. Am I that scary? When I walk through the house should I wear a bell around my neck? Should a telephone her before I get near her? Does this mean we aren't...(gulp) compatible?

Signed,
At Wit’s End

 

[Valjean]

Does she actually fear you, or do you think she might be suffering from some sort of an anxiety disorder?

 

[cardero]

I will admit that most of the time she doesn't expect me but if I enter (not pop) inside a doorway to ask her a question or something she will jump. It got to the point where I would stand in a doorway until she was finished doing what she had to do figuring that would not startle her and sure enough when she sees me it is like a horror villian showing up in a movie. She doesn't scream but she is visibly shakened. I should point out again it is just me and her in the house. Why should she be scared of me?

 

[evearael]

I've been startled by my husband before when I wasn't expecting him. It doesn't happen that frequently. I've certainly noticed an increased frequency with raised anxiety. When the man who raped my showed up at my parents house looking for me after five years, I was a LOT more jumpy because I was terrified he would find us.

 

[PHOTOTAKER]

if this is kind of resent maybe something is bothering her and she dosn't understand or she she dosn't know how to cope with it, mayby it is about one of her friends or something that is just boiling inside of her that she cannot grasp or understand about herself and cannot express to anyone what it is... you should talk to her not on this form...

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Three years of living together and my wife is startled by my very presence. I admit it is a small place where we live but not as small to initiate that kind of reaction or produce the kind of terror in her. I do not lurk, I do not sneak, I do not burst onto a scene. If there is something I need from her or if I am just putting something away she jumps, she startles, she gasps, she clutches her heart and loses her breath. I keep on insisting that I live here with her and try to ask her who else she thinks it might be but I rarely get an answer after she regains consciousness. Am I that scary? When I walk through the house should I wear a bell around my neck? Should a telephone her before I get near her? Does this mean we aren't...(gulp) compatible?

Signed,
At Wit’s End

My wife is the same way! I scare her, too. I always jokingly say, "there are two people living in this house, ya know!"

She says in her very wifely tone, "But only one of us wears deoderant and brushes our teeth!"

 

[Booko]

Three years of living together and my wife is startled by my very presence. I admit it is a small place where we live but not as small to initiate that kind of reaction or produce the kind of terror in her. I do not lurk, I do not sneak, I do not burst onto a scene. If there is something I need from her or if I am just putting something away she jumps, she startles, she gasps, she clutches her heart and loses her breath. I keep on insisting that I live here with her and try to ask her who else she thinks it might be but I rarely get an answer after she regains consciousness. Am I that scary? When I walk through the house should I wear a bell around my neck? Should a telephone her before I get near her? Does this mean we aren't...(gulp) compatible?

Signed,
At Wit’s End

Talk to your inlaws. Was she startled at home as well?

Also, I think Seyorni asks an important question. If she's startled so often and so easily, it might be good to rule out any such problems.

In the meantime, make more noise on your way into the room.

I am forever talking to my perpetual cat escort as I walk around the house. No one could possibly be startled by my appearance.

 

[Djamila]

You're such a caring husband. If your wife was my husband, I'd scare him every chance I could get.

 

[kai]

my partner is exactly the same if i walk into the room she jumps , if i reach out and touch her she jumps she has to be looking right at me not to be startled.

 

[cardero]

You're such a caring husband. If your wife was my husband, I'd scare him every chance I could get.

I thought about this briefly but then when the incidents were happening more frequently, I figured I didn't even have to try.

 

[cardero]

The one thing I am glad to hear is that it happens to other people. Some men would be happy to know that they can induce fear in their partners but in this instance it is a confusing victory. If there is one place that I would want my wife to be comfortable about, it would be our home. It there was one person that I would want my wife to feel secure around, it would be her husband. It feels a bit awkward to show up in a room around her and wait until she puts down a breakable item or a sharp implement before being able to approach her or even say good morning. To me it reveals that she has fears and though I do encourage that we exercise and overcome these emotions, I find her fear of me to be a bit unfounded.

 

[YmirGF]

I rather like the idea of "pre-announcing" yourself. It certainly would beat wearing a cow's bell, but would have the same effect. Try whistling... or chatting to her, as you are nearing the room she is in. Also lower the tone of your voice, if you can. Say, she is in the living room, and you are in the bedroom and a hallway connects. Start calling to her AS you leave the bedroom.... or wherever. Her "condition" could be no more than the simple fact that she "tunes out" things around her when she is "into something". She may be concentrating so hard, that she is oblivious and simply does not notice... until you are right there beside her. Barring this, perhaps too much coffee or caffeinated soft drinks?

 

[Purple Thyme]

You should sit down and try to talk to her about this. It may be an uncontrollable fear of something else. I have a terrible fear of being a passenger in a car with a male driver. I get terrible anxiety attacks and insist they slow down. My husband is a great driver and he doesn't drive too fast but if he gets to close to another car on the highway I start to freak out. My heart starts pounding and I get an uncontrollable fear even though I know he is in control of the car I can't rationalize my fear. I never understood this fear till I read of a similar case in a woman who had exactly what I have and her father was an alcoholic who you drive around drunk with his kids in the car. I realized I had been through the same thing as a small child. It made sense but didn't help me so now I just drive if I think I'm a little on edge. Maybe your wife's fear is something similar. It's not you but something that triggers an old memory.

 

[cardero]

You should sit down and try to talk to her about this. It may be an uncontrollable fear of something else. I have a terrible fear of being a passenger in a car with a male driver. I get terrible anxiety attacks and insist they slow down. My husband is a great driver and he doesn't drive too fast but if he gets to close to another car on the highway I start to freak out. My heart starts pounding and I get an uncontrollable fear even though I know he is in control of the car I can't rationalize my fear. I never understood this fear till I read of a similar case in a woman who had exactly what I have and her father was an alcoholic who you drive around drunk with his kids in the car. I realized I had been through the same thing as a small child. It made sense but didn't help me so now I just drive if I think I'm a little on edge. Maybe your wife's fear is something similar. It's not you but something that triggers an old memory.

mrscardero is the same way when I drive which is why I usually insist that when we go out together, she drives all the time. I will take your advice about talking to her but I am not sure she even knows where these fears originate.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

mrscardero is the same way when I drive which is why I usually insist that when we go out together, she drives all the time. I will take your advice about talking to her but I am not sure she even knows where these fears originate.

It could just be how the female mind works

I think in the six years that we've been married, my wife startled me once by walking into the room unnannounced. She retorted, "There are two people living in this house!! ... see how I feel?!"

I dunno :beach:

 

[Valjean]

I'm assuming that this is a new behavior and that she does not actually fear you.

This sounds like a psychopathology, perhaps a chemical imbalance in the brain producing a hypervigilant state. I would seriously consider a real medical evaluation and treatment.

 

[Draka]

Not all the time, but frequently Turk has startled me badly. We live in a small one bedroom apartment and can't help but trip over each other a lot, but still. The thing with me is that I get so "spaced out" on whatever it is that I am doing or thinking about that it is jerking me back to reality at times. I get so relaxed or "in the zone" that sudden noises, speech, or anything has me jumping out of my skin. I am not in the least bit afraid of turk, but my heart near leaps out my chest at times.

I don't know why your wife has developed this if it has just started. Perhaps she is just pulled into herself for a while. Become introspective or relaxed. I get like that for periods of time and then I am very easy to startle.

 

[kai]

Not all the time, but frequently Turk has startled me badly. We live in a small one bedroom apartment and can't help but trip over each other a lot, but still. The thing with me is that I get so "spaced out" on whatever it is that I am doing or thinking about that it is jerking me back to reality at times. I get so relaxed or "in the zone" that sudden noises, speech, or anything has me jumping out of my skin. I am not in the least bit afraid of turk, but my heart near leaps out my chest at times.

I don't know why your wife has developed this if it has just started. Perhaps she is just pulled into herself for a while. Become introspective or relaxed. I get like that for periods of time and then I am very easy to startle.

thats a good point i read your post then showed it to my partner, she said thats it, she is so busy thinking of something when i am suddenly there it startles her

 

[Scuba Pete]

I've been startled by my husband before when I wasn't expecting him.

Ah, the guilty flee when no one pursues! You thought you were caught in the act, didncha? Huh? Huh? Didncha now?

My son is the one in my household who is easily startled. We have in fact traced it to a small hearing loss on his part. He does not hear soft footsteps on carpet. Go figure!

PS, he is now on nasal steroids which has seemed to alleviate this problem for the most part.

 

[Yerda]

She says in her very wifely tone, "But only one of us wears deoderant and brushes our teeth!"

You should share yours with her, angellous.