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Mormon jokes
- Thread starter Bishka
- Start date
sandy whitelinger
Veteran Member
beckysoup61 said:Q: Why are there no Mormon vampires?
A: Too many stakes in Zion.
Q: Why do football bowl committees not like to invite BYU?
A: They come with a copy of the ten comandments and fifty dollars in their pockets and don't break any of them.:biglaugh:
Gentoo
The Feisty Penguin
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!
If it is the Relief Society it takes four.
- One to fix refreshments.
- One to bring the tablecloth.
- One to design the Center Piece,
- And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they dont do light bulbs.
- They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.
If it is the Elders it takes four.
- Three that dont show up, and
- One to change the bulb.
If it is the High Priests it take four.
- Two to push the wheel chairs.
- One to handle the oxygen tank,
- And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
- But you have to wait until the end of the month.
If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.
- He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him.
If it is the Relief Society it takes four.
- One to fix refreshments.
- One to bring the tablecloth.
- One to design the Center Piece,
- And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they dont do light bulbs.
- They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.
If it is the Elders it takes four.
- Three that dont show up, and
- One to change the bulb.
If it is the High Priests it take four.
- Two to push the wheel chairs.
- One to handle the oxygen tank,
- And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
- But you have to wait until the end of the month.
If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.
- He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him.
A Mormon guy in line to get lunch leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Mormon joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an anti-Mormon. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's an anti-Mormon. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's an anti-Mormon. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."
Two Mormon missionaries are walking down the street one sunny morning. Coming from the opposite direction is a Priest. As they meet the Priest says, "Good morning, Sons of the Devil." The Mormon missionaries reply, "Good morning Father."
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an anti-Mormon. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's an anti-Mormon. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's an anti-Mormon. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."
Two Mormon missionaries are walking down the street one sunny morning. Coming from the opposite direction is a Priest. As they meet the Priest says, "Good morning, Sons of the Devil." The Mormon missionaries reply, "Good morning Father."
Gentoo
The Feisty Penguin
You might be a Mormon if...
- You might be a mormon if you've ever referred to a friend as your "Companion."
- You might be a mormon if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister.
- You might be a mormon if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies."
- You might be a mormon if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
- You might be a mormon if all your dishes have your name written on masking tape.
- You might be a mormon if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
- You might be a mormon if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
- You might be a mormon if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
- You might be a mormon if you've ever refused a coke although it's 105 degrees outside.
- You might be a mormon if you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
- You might be a mormon if you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't drink coke.
- You might be a mormon if you received baby clothes at a bridal shower (and didn't need them -honest- but you were really excited to get them.)
- You might be a mormon if you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants.
A bit on the tasteless side:
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.
Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Now she's really getting mad.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Then furiously, she says -
Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am."
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.
Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Now she's really getting mad.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Then furiously, she says -
Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am."
SoyLeche
meh...
Oh - they are never as funny when they need to be explained.beckysoup61 said:I'm not sure how this is funny or what this is even referring to.
One of the main benefits of having a Bowl Game is that the fans of the teams will all come, have big parties and spend lots of money. This joke says that BYU fans won't party (10 commandments part), and won't spend lots of money (will stay with family, etc).
:biglaugh: <-- just not as much anymore
Gentoo
The Feisty Penguin
I hope this one's okay (I actually understood it! )
An Apocryphal Story
In the early 1840's, the head of a fundamentalist Christian religion near Nauvoo decided that all the Mormons had to leave Illinois. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So the fundamentalist Christian leader made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the fundamentalist Christian leader won, the Mormons would leave.
The Mormons realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged immigrant convert named John to represent them. John, being a simple man of the earth and still learning the English language, asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The fundamentalist Christian leader agreed.
The day of the great debate came. John and the fundamentalist Christian leader sat opposite each other for a full minute before the fundamentalist Christian leader raised his hand and showed three fingers.
John looked back at him and raised one finger. The fundamentalist Christian leader waved his fingers in a circle around his head. John pointed to the ground where he sat.
The fundamentalist Christian leader pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. John pulled out an apple. The fundamentalist Christian leader stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Mormons can stay."
Minutes later, the Deacons of the fundamentalist Christian religion were all around their leader asking him what happened. The fundamentalist Christian leader said: "First I held up three fingers together to represent that God the Father, his son Jesus and the Holy Ghost were all three in one. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that they were all one in purpose.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was in the air everywhere at once. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing me that God the Son had appeared to many with a resurrected body.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that we are saved from our sins by grace alone. He pulled out an apple to remind me of repentance and doing good works. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Mormon community had crowded around John. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said John, "First he said to me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving".
"Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Mormons. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" they asked.
"I don't know," said John. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
)An Apocryphal Story
In the early 1840's, the head of a fundamentalist Christian religion near Nauvoo decided that all the Mormons had to leave Illinois. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So the fundamentalist Christian leader made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the fundamentalist Christian leader won, the Mormons would leave.
The Mormons realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged immigrant convert named John to represent them. John, being a simple man of the earth and still learning the English language, asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The fundamentalist Christian leader agreed.
The day of the great debate came. John and the fundamentalist Christian leader sat opposite each other for a full minute before the fundamentalist Christian leader raised his hand and showed three fingers.
John looked back at him and raised one finger. The fundamentalist Christian leader waved his fingers in a circle around his head. John pointed to the ground where he sat.
The fundamentalist Christian leader pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. John pulled out an apple. The fundamentalist Christian leader stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Mormons can stay."
Minutes later, the Deacons of the fundamentalist Christian religion were all around their leader asking him what happened. The fundamentalist Christian leader said: "First I held up three fingers together to represent that God the Father, his son Jesus and the Holy Ghost were all three in one. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that they were all one in purpose.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was in the air everywhere at once. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing me that God the Son had appeared to many with a resurrected body.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that we are saved from our sins by grace alone. He pulled out an apple to remind me of repentance and doing good works. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Mormon community had crowded around John. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said John, "First he said to me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving".
"Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Mormons. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" they asked.
"I don't know," said John. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
A Mormon missionary was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The missionary took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the missionary took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The missionary said,
"Look I'm a Mormon missionary. I am not supposed to have a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
_____________________________________________________________________
A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
The missionary took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the missionary took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The missionary said,
"Look I'm a Mormon missionary. I am not supposed to have a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
_____________________________________________________________________
A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
SoyLeche
meh...
The church has been trying to figure out what to do with a major problem. There are so many young children in the congregation that the speakers have a hard time being heard.
They decided to ordain all of the children to be High Priests. That way they will sleep through the meeting.
If that doesn't work, they are going to put them all on the High Council. That way they can make all the noise they want - nobody will listen.
They decided to ordain all of the children to be High Priests. That way they will sleep through the meeting.
If that doesn't work, they are going to put them all on the High Council. That way they can make all the noise they want - nobody will listen.
Quiddity
UndertheInfluenceofGiants
At a local electronic store (Frys) the employees wear white shirts, ties, and tags. I've been there plenty of times. Well some months back some Buddhist came out of the restroom in the store and then two employees came out with backpacks and I told my wife "is there a religious convention or something?". She gave me me this look ----> :sarcastic , but didn't say a word. So I honestly continued thinking they were Mormon missionaries looking for some kick butt computer or something. 
Anywho I actually went up to them and asked them if they were attending service off of Sunkist (the nearest LDS church). They looked at me with this face ------> :areyoucra . Even at this point it had totally slipped my mind that they could be employees. So then I turned toward my wife and said "I remember LDS being alot nicer". She responded "you silly goose, they work here." I felt like a total dork. Not sure if that was funny, but I got a chuckle out of it later that day.
Anywho I actually went up to them and asked them if they were attending service off of Sunkist (the nearest LDS church). They looked at me with this face ------> :areyoucra . Even at this point it had totally slipped my mind that they could be employees. So then I turned toward my wife and said "I remember LDS being alot nicer". She responded "you silly goose, they work here." I felt like a total dork. Not sure if that was funny, but I got a chuckle out of it later that day.