First letter in the ISO basic Latin alphabet paired with the plural term for adult human male!
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First letter in the ISO basic Latin alphabet paired with the plural term for adult human male!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
What’s So Funny About Buddhism?
http://www.lionsroar.com/whats-so-funny-about-buddhism-cartoonist-david-sipress-explains/
Have a good one!
http://www.lionsroar.com/whats-so-funny-about-buddhism-cartoonist-david-sipress-explains/
Have a good one!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Our Vicar, the Reverend Thomas Lewis, told our congregation, 'Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark, chapter 17.'
The following Sunday, as Thomas prepared to deliver his sermon; he asked for a show of hands, he wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up.
Thomas smiled and said, 'Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.'
The following Sunday, as Thomas prepared to deliver his sermon; he asked for a show of hands, he wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up.
Thomas smiled and said, 'Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.'
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The Question of Hell
The following is an actual question given as part of a university chemistry exam. The answer given by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with us.
Exam Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
In answer, one student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you' Then we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, therefore number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct. Logically, this leaves only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, 'Oh my God!'
This student received the only 'A' for this question.
The following is an actual question given as part of a university chemistry exam. The answer given by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with us.
Exam Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
In answer, one student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you' Then we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, therefore number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct. Logically, this leaves only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, 'Oh my God!'
This student received the only 'A' for this question.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Funny Advice From Children - Top 10
1.Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, 10.
2.Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14.
3.Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10.
4.When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11.
5.Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14.
6.Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9.
7.Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9.
8.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10.
9.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13.
10.Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8.
1.Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, 10.
2.Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14.
3.Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10.
4.When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11.
5.Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14.
6.Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9.
7.Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9.
8.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10.
9.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13.
10.Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Children's Advice on Love
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy age 4.
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl age 5.
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissie age 6.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri age 4.
Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny age 7.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. Noelle age 7.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy age 6.
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann age 4.
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy age 4.
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl age 5.
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissie age 6.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri age 4.
Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny age 7.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. Noelle age 7.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy age 6.
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann age 4.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Top 10 Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer:
•Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all “No’s” This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
•If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could it. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”
•If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my colon is acting up again, my rectum are sore, my pet rock just died…” When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems… if they persist – ask them why they don’t care.
•If the person says he’s Joe Shmoe from the Acme Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary.
•This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Roger Dodd Services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”
•If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won’t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
•If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?” If that doesn’t work, say “Please.”
•Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example:
Telemarketer: “This is John From Acme Sales.”
You: “Acme Sales, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, how’s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
•Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.
•Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)
•Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all “No’s” This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
•If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could it. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”
•If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my colon is acting up again, my rectum are sore, my pet rock just died…” When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems… if they persist – ask them why they don’t care.
•If the person says he’s Joe Shmoe from the Acme Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary.
•This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Roger Dodd Services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”
•If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won’t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
•If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?” If that doesn’t work, say “Please.”
•Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example:
Telemarketer: “This is John From Acme Sales.”
You: “Acme Sales, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, how’s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
•Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.
•Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Mommy's Way
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Women Should Not Have Children After 35
This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that's your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!
This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that's your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Children's Answers at School
Teacher: Name one of the Roman's greatest achievements.
Joe: To learn Latin.
Teacher: What did "Free press" mean in that passage.
Answer: When your mother irons your skirt for you on the landing.
Bertie comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, 'What did you learn today?'
Bertie replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'
Teacher: Name one of the Roman's greatest achievements.
Joe: To learn Latin.
Teacher: What did "Free press" mean in that passage.
Answer: When your mother irons your skirt for you on the landing.
Bertie comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, 'What did you learn today?'
Bertie replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The Fiance
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
CRAPS
Two bored dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that, she takes off her blouse and rolls the dice. She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "Yes! I win! I win!" With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"
Two bored dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that, she takes off her blouse and rolls the dice. She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "Yes! I win! I win!" With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
MENTAL HEALTH
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
18 Things Not to Say to a Cop
Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
Hi Officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
Hi Officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
FIRST TIMER
A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with a prostitute for a couple of hours. He really had no clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No." Then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and says, "Do you know what I want?"
And he says, "No." Then she really sprawls out on the bed, spreads her legs and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
The guy says, "Yeah, you want the whole damn bed to yourself!"
A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with a prostitute for a couple of hours. He really had no clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No." Then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and says, "Do you know what I want?"
And he says, "No." Then she really sprawls out on the bed, spreads her legs and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
The guy says, "Yeah, you want the whole damn bed to yourself!"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
WHAT'S IN A NAME
A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes.
"What's your name?" the woman asks. "Beervagina," he replies.
A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes.
"What's your name?" the woman asks. "Beervagina," he replies.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'