I need advice

[gmelrod]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 9 months and the biggest source of friction in our relationship is religion. She goes to a small church that split off from the SO. Baptists about five years ago and has basicly stalled out. I was raised Catholic but I am less than diligent about attending Mass weekly. She wants me to go with her on SUndays to her church but I do not like it there. I have gone twice and I do not like it. I disagree with the theology. The charismatic nature of the worsip makes me uncomfterble and the music is simplistic and incipid. Yet when I tell her that I do not want to go with her she gets very upset. She says she feels that by my rejecting her church I am rejecting her. But this problems I have with her church she also shares (most of) but she still goes because she likes the people there and it is the curch she grew up in. I want to just give it time. I plan to go to grad school somewhere soon and she wants to go with me and get married. Where ever we go we can try and find a church that suits both of us. But she wants me to go with her now since I am not going to Mass every week. What should I do. Should I put my foot down and run the risk of loosing her ovr somthing that can be fixed with time. Or give in and compromise my principles? I would like everyone's input.

 

[Quagmire]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 9 months and the biggest source of friction in our relationship is religion. She goes to a small church that split off from the SO. Baptists about five years ago and has basicly stalled out. I was raised Catholic but I am less than diligent about attending Mass weekly. She wants me to go with her on SUndays to her church but I do not like it there. I have gone twice and I do not like it. I disagree with the theology. The charismatic nature of the worsip makes me uncomfterble and the music is simplistic and incipid.

LOL! And amen my friend. I've attended lots of services at alot of different churches and, as trite as it might sound, the quality (lack thereof) of the music was one of the things that convinced me of an absence of any sort of divine inspiration in attendance upon those people (actually made me nostolgic for my Roman Catholic upbringing).

Yet when I tell her that I do not want to go with her she gets very upset. She says she feels that by my rejecting her church I am rejecting her.

Ask her, "So in other words it's you you'd like me to worship"?

But this problems I have with her church she also shares (most of) but she still goes because she likes the people there and it is the curch she grew up in. I want to just give it time. I plan to go to grad school somewhere soon and she wants to go with me and get married. Where ever we go we can try and find a church that suits both of us. But she wants me to go with her now since I am not going to Mass every week. What should I do. Should I put my foot down and run the risk of loosing her ovr somthing that can be fixed with time. Or give in and compromise my principles? I would like everyone's input.

"Or give in and compromise my principles" make sure she understands that this is what you'd be doing (allthough I'd bet you've already tryed).

I would tell her (allthough I'm nobody to give relationship advice), "I understand you have an emotional attachment to your church and the people there, but you have to understand there's no reason for me to share that attachment. If you really want me to go there for the sake of humouring you, or for the social aspects, OK, just so you realise that's all I'd be doing".

Again, I would never take relationship advice from me, but I figured I'd put that out there anyway.

Good Luck in any case Gmelrod.

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

You have a problem...
1.. you are a fairly lame Catholic
2.. she seems to see the baptists more in terms of a social life.
3.. you both seem to believe in the love of God

It would seem that a compromise would be in order for a short while.

Why not try a church that will not seem too strange to either of you.
I would suggest an Episcopal Church ... it is in many ways both in theology and practice not far different to the Catholic, but as a protestant type church it is usually acceptable to Baptists.. I have been quite at home at services in all three churches.( but not the happy clappy sort)

Both of you would be able to take communion if you wish... no one will force you, you can even go up for a blessing instead. (The normal signal is that you hold a book and don't hold your hands out.)

Yes there are differences in dogma. But I am not talking about a long term conversion. Just a way for you to be with each other and God.

Try it on her ... it could be a pleasant learning process for you both, if only temporary til you find your own solution.

 

[gmelrod]

Actualy it is funny that you mention that. My stepfather was rectly hired as a music director for an episcopal church. I have commited to going with her this weekend (just to end the fight) but maybe next weekend I will see if she will go to the episcopal church. Thanks for the advice. and yea I am a lame catholic. The church here is pretty dead. There are just too many old people in my town. (I live in a SoFla retirement comunity.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I too say to comprimise. The Episcopal church might be a good way to do so.

 

[Quagmire]

Or you could come home with a fake pentagram tattoo on your forhead. I'll bet she'd be open to comprimise when the shock wore off.

(see disclamer in my last post).

 

[Katzpur]

Well, since you didn't have an option that said, "Both of you start attending the LDS Church," I voted for you to attend your own Church.

Seriously, it sounds as if you've given her church a fair shot. How many times has she attended mass with you? If religion is truly a big issue with the two of you, I can't foresee that this is something that's going to be "fixed over time." What makes you so sure that the future is going to be any different from the present?

 

[Seraphiel]

It looks to me she is not ready for a serious relationship. A relationship is giving and taking. She should understand the fact, that you don't want to go to her church every sunday. And you must understand that you have to go to her church ones in a while to make her feel cared for. Good luck. I hope you talk calm and with full understanding for each-others feelings.

 

[michel]

You have a problem...
1.. you are a fairly lame Catholic
2.. she seems to see the baptists more in terms of a social life.
3.. you both seem to believe in the love of God

It would seem that a compromise would be in order for a short while.

Why not try a church that will not seem too strange to either of you.
I would suggest an Episcopal Church ... it is in many ways both in theology and practice not far different to the Catholic, but as a protestant type church it is usually acceptable to Baptists.. I have been quite at home at services in all three churches.( but not the happy clappy sort)

Both of you would be able to take communion if you wish... no one will force you, you can even go up for a blessing instead. (The normal signal is that you hold a book and don't hold your hands out.)

Yes there are differences in dogma. But I am not talking about a long term conversion. Just a way for you to be with each other and God.

Try it on her ... it could be a pleasant learning process for you both, if only temporary til you find your own solution.

That's an excellent suggestion; it seems incredible (to me ) that religious differences should be such a contention in a relationship. When it comes down to it, you are both Christians, you love and worship the same God.

As Terry says, I think it would be ideal for you both to try neutral ground. For you to even contemplate splitting up over this is incredibly sad.......unless, of course, there are other problems in the relationship.

 

[PureX]

Welcome to the first of many such disagreements that all married couples experience. And because it's the first, I strongly suggest that you be firm, and not placate her this time. You gave her church a try, and that's all she had a right to ask of you. If you're going to get married, it's time you both grow up a little. And the best way for that to happen is for you to insist on her respecting you as a man, so that she will hopefully learn how to act like a woman instead of a spoiled girl. If she can't do that, then you might want to put off the idea of marriage for a time.

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

Welcome to the first of many such disagreements that all married couples experience. And because it's the first, I strongly suggest that you be firm, and not placate her this time. You gave her church a try, and that's all she had a right to ask of you. If you're going to get married, it's time you both grow up a little. And the best way for that to happen is for you to insist on her respecting you as a man, so that she will hopefully learn how to act like a woman instead of a spoiled girl. If she can't do that, then you might want to put off the idea of marriage for a time.

What do you mean by acting like a man.:cover:
Gentlemen do not force their opinion on women.
A real man respects the views of women and comes to terms with the idea that a compromise is usually the best solution in these situations.
I am sure she does respect him as a man but she never will with a bully.

 

[Sunstone]

Compromise is part of any couple's life. You seem willing to look for one. Is she?

This could be a character issue. If she is not willing to look for a compromise, then that does not bode well for any marriage the two of you are considering. No one can really be happy in a marriage with an uncompromising partner.

It seems to me the compromise that should work here is that the two of you wait until you move away to graduate school, then find a church you both agree on. That's reasonable. And it's fair.

 

[lunamoth]

I don't know what you should do gmelrod, but I agree with those who said it is a good idea to talk about this work out a resolution.

I disagree with Purex's advice, or perhaps the way he delivered it! (Sorry Purex!). If it were to come down to a choice between 'being firm' or 'placating,' I'd say something else is out of balance in your relationship. Address that and many other things will take care of themselves.

 

[gmelrod]

Since there was some interest in the topic I will offer an update. I went with her this week. This is the third time I have gone and she has gone with me once. To be fair there are nice things about her church. It is a much smaller and more intimate setting. The people actualy notice when you are there and everyone knows her. I only had a few minor disagreements with the pastor's theology. The sermon today was about mothers (big suprise) so there was not a great deal of complexity to his ideas. He basicly said the women have an important and uniqure role in nurturing faith. The music was about as disapointing as I had experienced in the past. It was basicly one family leading a contemporary style worship. The dad sang and played guitar. His wife and too dughters sang backup. Two sons played electrick guitar (I could not hear them) and another son played the drums (he had two rythems, a snare/base pattern and a cymbal/rim shot pattern. No high hat or toms or fluorishes.) My gf agrees with me that the music is poorly done but she says that not everyone can be musicly trained. I replied that I think the musicians should be. But I survived the experience though I do not want to go every week.

Or you could come home with a fake pentagram tattoo on your forhead. I'll bet she'd be open to comprimise when the shock wore off.

Well I still have a Kerry/Edwards bumber sticker on my car. That is almost as bad for her parents. I want to get a Hillary 08 sticker just to see if her dad will have a heart attack

For you to even contemplate splitting up over this is incredibly sad.......unless, of course, there are other problems in the relationship.

Religion is a sensative subject for us becuase we are both changing in our faith.She is coming out of a very closed minded conservative tradition. When we first started getting involved she was just beging to question elements in her faith. She has moved a long way but still has her limits. She does not share my capacity for abstract argument too. After a point she get tired of it and frustrated with the lack of sure answers. I actualy come to religious forums because I still wanted to have discussions and I needed an outlet. We have had other fights before. some over very silly things. She is a browsing shopper and can spend hours looking at stuff that she has no intention of buying. Though we have cxonflits we both are commited to not leting the other person storm off mad. At the core we have a strong relationship but we are still getting comfortable with each other. The reason I mentioned splitting up is that she has stated limits where religion is concerned. She said that if I went to a UU church she is not sure she would stay with me. But later I pressed her on this and got her to think about it and she admited that she was wrong. She is still in the habit of not examining her opinions. For so long she did not question things that she is not in the habit. But she is improving.

And lest you think I am painting a rosy picture of myself in this relationship I have my faults too. I am too proud at times. I have a high view of my own reasoning abilities. And I have my own prejudices too. I once was in a very bitter and acrimonius conflict with some fundamentalist turn or burn our way is the only way and I have let that color my view of her church and her faith. My naturl skepticims leads me to dismiss her supernatural experiences ie feeling moved by the spirit and speaking in tounges.

So she is teaching me patience and humility while I teach her how to question.

And for your amusement one of the things I cought during the service. They played a sort cute video about things mothers have learned. One of them was that when a cat is dizzy (like after being in the dryer) it will vomit up twice its body weight. This seemed impossible to me. Anyone else agree.

 

[PureX]

What do you mean by acting like a man.:cover:
Gentlemen do not force their opinion on women.
A real man respects the views of women and comes to terms with the idea that a compromise is usually the best solution in these situations.
I am sure she does respect him as a man but she never will with a bully.

He's not forcing his opinion on anyone. She is trying to force her desires on him. He gave her church a chance and is not comfortable with it. She should appreciate his willingness to try, and respect his final decision. If she isn't mature enough to do that, then I believe he should stand firm. She isn't going to grow up by placating her. All that will do is encourage her selfishness.

 

[Dr. Nosophoros]

It will never be fixed with time, it can be ignored or left on the back burner but that pot will still be there simmering. Whether you, her or both of can't compromise doesn't matter the bottom line is can you find someone more compatible? the answer is yes. You obviously love her or you wouldn't be asking questions here about your relationship so I'd say if you love her more than the disconnection you feel over religion, stay with her, if you feel the disconnection is too much leave her and find someone else, sounds simple but I know it isn't.

 

[Hema]

Alternate it. Go to your church one Sunday and go to her church the next Sunday. Either that or find a new church you both feel comfortable in.

 

[Hema]

What do you mean by acting like a man.:cover:
Gentlemen do not force their opinion on women.
A real man respects the views of women and comes to terms with the idea that a compromise is usually the best solution in these situations.
I am sure she does respect him as a man but she never will with a bully.

I agree. Marriage is a partnership.

 

[Don Penguinoini]

I'd kill it of. religion before love.

 

[The Great Architect]

I agree with a few others of you who have posted. Find your own church.