Getting Married

[dannisayz]

This past memorial weekend, my boyfriend and I became engaged. This summer we've been doing some wedding planning and the topic of a church wedding has come up. Both my fiance and I were raised Roman Catholic. I, however, have since departed from the church and am very uncomfortable with being married in a Roman Catholic ceremony.

Since I was 14 years old, I have battled with my own personal faith. My sexuality excludes me from a Christian faith as well as the fact that I do not find any sense of peace or understanding in any Christian church. The Bible, although I am very familar with it, does not give me the uplifting feeling that I think faith should bring.

For the past 4 years or so, I have been going back to my ancestors, the Comanche Tribe. faith. It's given me many dead ends, since not much is known about the faith of my particular tribe. I have always felt very connected to the spirit and to nature, but have yet to find a faith that fully holds ideals that I can personally connect with and find a sense of inner peace.

Now, to my dillemma. My family wants a church wedding. I want nothing to do with the Roman Catholic church. My fiance just wants me to do what will me make me happy. I do want a religious ceremony, so a justice of the peace is not my answer. Should I just grin, bear it, and lie to myself through the Roman Catholic ceremony just to make my family happy? Or is there something else that I can do?

I'm not really asking for someone to give me a religion that I can follow, just really advice for the situation I'm in.

 

[dawny0826]

You're the bride. If you don't want a church wedding, you certainly don't have to have a church wedding.

Talk to an ordained minister.

I was not a Christian when my husband and I married and many pastors in the area would not marry us because we did not belong to a church and I didn't want to go to a Justice of the Peace. So, we kept calling around and we found an ordained minister who was willing to marry us outside of a church setting.

Turns out, one of the men who worked at our apartment complex was an o.m.

We were married outdoors, in a gazebo, on the water at a quaint park close to home. We wanted to use traditional wedding vows but my ceremony and reception was more casual than more wedding ceremonies and receptions and that's the way I wanted. I smoked cigarettes with my guy friends in my wedding dress out on this gorgeous patio, overlooking a lake. It rocked!

You may have to do a bit of calling around but I don't see why you couldn't have an ordained minister accomodate you.

 

[dannisayz]

You're the bride. If you don't want a church wedding, you certainly don't have to have a church wedding.

Talk to an ordained minister.

I was not a Christian when my husband and I married and many pastors in the area would not marry us because we did not belong to a church and I didn't want to go to a Justice of the Peace. So, we kept calling around and we found an ordained minister who was willing to marry us outside of a church setting.

Turns out, one of the men who worked at our apartment complex was an o.m.

We were married outdoors, in a gazebo, on the water at a quaint park close to home. We wanted to use traditional wedding vows but my ceremony and reception was more casual than more wedding ceremonies and receptions and that's the way I wanted. I smoked cigarettes with my guy friends in my wedding dress out on this gorgeous patio, overlooking a lake. It rocked!

You may have to do a bit of calling around but I don't see why you couldn't have an ordained minister accomodate you.

But would an ordained minister carry out a semi-pagan ceremony?

 

[evearael]

You may want to find out if there are any ordained pagans in the area. You might also want to check with a UU church, since they are so open with everyone. Good luck and congratulations!

 

[dawny0826]

But would an ordained minister carry out a semi-pagan ceremony?

I would imagine that there would be pagan ordained ministers. You'll probably have to do some research but I'm pretty sure that there's an ordained minister or someone similar who could marry you in a semi-pagan ceremony.

 

[dannisayz]

I would imagine that there would be pagan ordained ministers. You'll probably have to do some research but I'm pretty sure that there's an ordained minister or someone similar who could marry you in a semi-pagan ceremony.

The only thing I worry about is my VERY Italian family. I know it's my wedding, but my mother has pretty much become Bridezilla for me. She has pretty much made it clear that I have no say in the wedding since she is laying out a large part of the money. I'm ready to elope.

 

[dannisayz]

Thank you for all the advice. I'll make some phone calls.

Any advice on how to make my mother shut up?

 

[dannisayz]

You may want to find out if there are any ordained pagans in the area. You might also want to check with a UU church, since they are so open with everyone. Good luck and congratulations!

My friend Maddlamma was mentioning that UU church to me since I don't want to bring my children up Roman Catholic. There is one in my area, but they don't have a Pagan connection like the one by her. I'm wondering if they could put me in touch with someone though.

 

[dawny0826]

The only thing I worry about is my VERY Italian family. I know it's my wedding, but my mother has pretty much become Bridezilla for me. She has pretty much made it clear that I have no say in the wedding

Who is paying for the wedding?

If your parents are paying for the wedding, then I'd say, you may want to consider a LIGHT compromise but it's still YOUR special day and your Mom really needs to come to terms with that or this could be a miserable experience for you both.

I'm not a Dr. Phil fan but he has some pretty good advice for Brides to be and their Moms. It's Mom's job to set the budget and help as NEEDED. It's the bride's job to decide what is bought with the budget and if you decide to go beyond the budget that your parents have established...then it's proper for either you or your fiance (or his family) to financially cover the rest.

My sister is planning a wedding for next June and she's covering over 7 grand of her own wedding because she expects more than my mother is financially able to provide and my sister is adament to do her OWN thing...so, she has decided to make her dreams come true mostly on her own. She can afford it, though.

My Mom really has been unreasonable throughout this experience but my sister has decided that it's easier to put the money out herself than to argue with my Mom.

I would have a heart to heart with your Mom and together, hopefully, you can establish some boundaries. You may want to consider a light compromise if your Mom is paying for most of the wedding but your Mom shouldn't expect you to sell out your beliefs to appease her and family. This isn't about her. This isn't about family. This is about you and your fiance and celebrating your love for one another.

The most important part of the entire ordeal is the ceremony. And if you are adament not to have your wedding in a church...your Mom really needs to respect your wishes. It's not her call.

Perhaps you could compromise with an Italian style reception. Maybe you could incorporate a pagan style wedding but also add Italian style touches here and there. Maybe you could ask your Mom what she would like to see in your wedding and if there is something that you don't mind incorporating...you could do that to make her feel involved.

You do have say in the wedding. It's your wedding, although your Mom does reserve the right to set a budget for your planning.

You might want to emphasize to her the importance of cooperation, as you'll be surprised how early you have to book things in advance such as your reception hall, a DJ...even a spot to marry. My sister is getting married early next June and she's already had to change her wedding date because everything is filling up for next June.

Use my sister as an example. Tell your Mom that you can't waste any time arguing.

 

[Booko]

The only thing I worry about is my VERY Italian family. I know it's my wedding, but my mother has pretty much become Bridezilla for me. She has pretty much made it clear that I have no say in the wedding since she is laying out a large part of the money. I'm ready to elope.

My mother tried that little bit of blackmail on me too. I told her very calmly and sweetly that was fine, I wasn't asking her for money in the first place, and that we could manage.

If you have no say in the wedding because it's her money, you could always *kindly* say well that's okay mom, I understand that if it's your money, naturally you would have some say. But I guess we just won't be having a religious ceremony then, because we're the ones getting married. You've already chosen for yourself, now it's our turn.

The key is to be firm, but sweetly so, so as to avoid making it into a family battle that will follow you for years. :cover:

My Mom kept insisting we should get married in the Reformed Church, but I pointed out that neither I nor my fiancee were Reformed, so that seemed rather hypocritical -- and you know what Jesus thought of hypocrites!

I thought the suggestion of looking for a UU church was excellent.

 

[Booko]

Any advice on how to make my mother shut up?

Is your father still living? If not, do you have a close uncle?

Consult with a man in your family and have him talk some sense into Mom. Men do not have ideas about "dream weddings" they are attached to and then try to live out through their children. As such, they really are more sensible about the whole thing. (Though Moms are the ones you want to handle the details!)

When your father or uncle suggests that your Mom has a choice of backing off or losing her daughter *and* the grandchildren too...oh, she'll calm down.

It's amazing how much more people listen sometimes, if you only have male genitalia. <sigh>

 

[dannisayz]

Who is paying for the wedding?

If your parents are paying for the wedding, then I'd say, you may want to consider a LIGHT compromise but it's still YOUR special day and your Mom really needs to come to terms with that or this could be a miserable experience for you both.

I'm not a Dr. Phil fan but he has some pretty good advice for Brides to be and their Moms. It's Mom's job to set the budget and help as NEEDED. It's the bride's job to decide what is bought with the budget and if you decide to go beyond the budget that your parents have established...then it's proper for either you or your fiance (or his family) to financially cover the rest.

My sister is planning a wedding for next June and she's covering over 7 grand of her own wedding because she expects more than my mother is financially able to provide and my sister is adament to do her OWN thing...so, she has decided to make her dreams come true mostly on her own. She can afford it, though.

My Mom really has been unreasonable throughout this experience but my sister has decided that it's easier to put the money out herself than to argue with my Mom.

I would have a heart to heart with your Mom and together, hopefully, you can establish some boundaries. You may want to consider a light compromise if your Mom is paying for most of the wedding but your Mom shouldn't expect you to sell out your beliefs to appease her and family. This isn't about her. This isn't about family. This is about you and your fiance and celebrating your love for one another.

The most important part of the entire ordeal is the ceremony. And if you are adament not to have your wedding in a church...your Mom really needs to respect your wishes. It's not her call.

Perhaps you could compromise with an Italian style reception. Maybe you could incorporate a pagan style wedding but also add Italian style touches here and there. Maybe you could ask your Mom what she would like to see in your wedding and if there is something that you don't mind incorporating...you could do that to make her feel involved.

You do have say in the wedding. It's your wedding, although your Mom does reserve the right to set a budget for your planning.

You might want to emphasize to her the importance of cooperation, as you'll be surprised how early you have to book things in advance such as your reception hall, a DJ...even a spot to marry. My sister is getting married early next June and she's already had to change her wedding date because everything is filling up for next June.

Use my sister as an example. Tell your Mom that you can't waste any time arguing.

*smiles*

Thankfully the wedding is year and a half away, but this is New York and weddings here are elaborate, expensive and usually very Italian, even if you're not Italian. My fiance is Irish, my mother is Native American and Spanish, and my Father is Italian. I just see it as I'm doomed and only along for the ride.

I've tried talking to my mother and it usually only ends up in a fight and I've just given up trying. Maybe if I wait a few months she'll calm down.

We planned to put up as much money as I possibly could. My fiance and I plan to put a portion of our paychecks into high interest savings accounts to pay for the wedding.

I honestly do no know how to approach my mother because of how demanding she is being. I have no say in the location. I tell her that I do not like some place, she just rolls her eyes at me. I give her the name of some place that I liked, and she still rolls her eyes. I just cannot seem to win with her or how to tell her that this is my wedding and not hers.

I'll keep what you've said in mind about your sister, but it seems like the fights have already started and I'm only 3 months into my engagement.

 

[dannisayz]

Is your father still living? If not, do you have a close uncle?

Consult with a man in your family and have him talk some sense into Mom. Men do not have ideas about "dream weddings" they are attached to and then try to live out through their children. As such, they really are more sensible about the whole thing. (Though Moms are the ones you want to handle the details!)

When your father or uncle suggests that your Mom has a choice of backing off or losing her daughter *and* the grandchildren too...oh, she'll calm down.

It's amazing how much more people listen sometimes, if you only have male genitalia. <sigh>

To put my Father's responce to this situation in perspective:

"Did you ask your mother?"
"Yes."
"What did she say?"
"No."
"Then I have the same answer."

Yay Italian fathers.

Either that or he just ignores her. It's honestly his money that is paying for the wedding because it's his paycheck, but my mother is the woman and she makes all decisions when it comes to this kind of thing. My dad really has never been one to solve problems. He just ignores them until they go away.

 

[dawny0826]

*smiles*

Thankfully the wedding is year and a half away, but this is New York and weddings here are elaborate, expensive and usually very Italian, even if you're not Italian. My fiance is Irish, my mother is Native American and Spanish, and my Father is Italian. I just see it as I'm doomed and only along for the ride.

I've tried talking to my mother and it usually only ends up in a fight and I've just given up trying. Maybe if I wait a few months she'll calm down.

We planned to put up as much money as I possibly could. My fiance and I plan to put a portion of our paychecks into high interest savings accounts to pay for the wedding.

I honestly do no know how to approach my mother because of how demanding she is being. I have no say in the location. I tell her that I do not like some place, she just rolls her eyes at me. I give her the name of some place that I liked, and she still rolls her eyes. I just cannot seem to win with her or how to tell her that this is my wedding and not hers.

I'll keep what you've said in mind about your sister, but it seems like the fights have already started and I'm only 3 months into my engagement.

I'm really sorry. It really shouldn't be this way but I'm sure this isn't new news to you.

It'll all work out. Booko gave good advice. Be firm...sweet but firm. And if your mother is unreasonable, you may have to eliminate her from most of your wedding plans, especially if you're planning on paying for a good portion of the wedding.

Get ahold of that Dr. Phil episode. Maybe that'll help!

Best of luck to you and let us know how everything goes!

 

[Quoth The Raven]

Frankly, if I were you - and I'm a bit of a confrontational girly these days - I'd be saying,'You plan exactly the wedding you want mum, and then find yourself a bride and groom that are prepared to accomodate you, because we're not it.'
Like I said though, I work by the philosophy that there's no problem that can't be solved by a good headbutt.

 

[dannisayz]

I'm really sorry. It really shouldn't be this way but I'm sure this isn't new news to you.

It'll all work out. Booko gave good advice. Be firm...sweet but firm. And if your mother is unreasonable, you may have to eliminate her from most of your wedding plans, especially if you're planning on paying for a good portion of the wedding.

Get ahold of that Dr. Phil episode. Maybe that'll help!

Best of luck to you and let us know how everything goes!

If I could stomach Dr. Phil for more than a half hour, I'd be willing to watch it. Maybe this episode won't be so bad. I'm glad that my friends are as helpful as they are because if they weren't around, I think I would of called the wedding off by now. I love my fiance dearly, but half the time I think that all this fuss isn't worth it.

 

[dannisayz]

Frankly, if I were you - and I'm a bit of a confrontational girly these days - I'd be saying,'You plan exactly the wedding you want mum, and then find yourself a bride and groom that are prepared to accomodate you, because we're not it.'
Like I said though, I work by the philosophy that there's no problem that can't be solved by a good headbutt.

That's what I tired a few weeks ago. We just started speaking again and she still won't budge.

 

[dawny0826]

If I could stomach Dr. Phil for more than a half hour, I'd be willing to watch it. Maybe this episode won't be so bad. I'm glad that my friends are as helpful as they are because if they weren't around, I think I would of called the wedding off by now. I love my fiance dearly, but half the time I think that all this fuss isn't worth it.

Been there. Ironically, I watched my wedding on video with my kids today. Somehow, it really does have a way of working itself out. Despite all the trials we face when planning, the end result is magical.

 

[dannisayz]

Been there. Ironically, I watched my wedding on video with my kids today. Somehow, it really does have a way of working itself out. Despite all the trials we face when planning, the end result is magical.

I'm glad that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, because right now I really don't see it.

I'm going to take a visit to the UU church near me this week. Maybe they can offer some advice.

 

[dawny0826]

I'm glad that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, because right now I really don't see it.

I'm going to take a visit to the UU church near me this week. Maybe they can offer some advice.

Oh yes, one more thing...then I'll head out...

There's always the super alternative...elope in a fine city of your choice (maybe Vegas...cha-ching!) and spend all your green on a super fabulous honeymoon, where it's just you and hubby...

:run: