Forgiving someone

[King Phenomenon]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

 

[Windwalker]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

It pretty much means they have never forgiven themselves. That's why they cannot forgive others. If they cannot acknowledge their own failures, they are unable to accept another's shortcomings. If they don't think they have any, they are deep in denial. And that is why they blame others. Because they blame themselves first.

 

[ChristineM]

It pretty much means they have never forgiven themselves. That's why they cannot forgive others. If they cannot acknowledge their own failures, they are unable to accept another's shortcomings. If they don't think they have any, they are deep in denial. And that is why they blame others. Because they blame themselves first.

What self failures does one need to acknowledge to forgive a child murderer, a paedophile, a rapist. There are things in life that one should not feel guilty about not forgiving

 

[Unveiled Artist]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

Edit.

I think it's not either person's fault. It's accepting we have the right to feel emotions without needing to feel we have "inherited sin." It's in our US culture. Instead, we can do things to relieve our hurt without blaming ourselves because of feeling the way we do. To admit: I am hurt. I did nothing wrong. Let me do this to relieve my feelings because I can't control how others feel, do, and say is probably the best thing one can do if they can't do it literally.

For example, I didn't do anything wrong (I was ignorant of the situation in order to do so) and my father may have done something wrong depending on the perspective you see it from. Grandmother died near four years ago. She was dying of cancer. Father didn't tell me. I barely talk with him. I haven't experienced grief like that and one thing about grief is there is anger and such. It's not the person's fault. It's not the person who grieves fault. It's a process.

Father is developing alzheimers. He's forgetting a lot. So, if I did tell him I forgive him, he wouldn't remember. It would be more for me and I technically want it to be for him. So, in this case I'd have to settle my own feelings because I can't change what he has done (not tell me about her death, among other more hurtful things). It's the past.

So, in some instances we should forgive. It helps our sanity. I just don't think we should fault ourselves just because we choose not to forgive or forgive ourselves. I honestly don't think that's the point. It's an original-sin thinking and we can forgive ourselves and others without seeing either doing anything wrong. Father didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. It's all in perspective.

Sorry. Took awhile to even get this out.

 

[The Hammer]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

If a person is unwilling/able to forgive another person, then for whatever reason the malcontent (anger, fear, resentment) that they are holding on to is serving them some sort of purpose. Possibly as a defense/shield to their own ego.

 

[Spirit of Light]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

If a person carry ego, hate, anger and jealousy within them, it will be difficult for them to forgive others.

 

[Nakosis]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

Too attached to the source of whatever caused their initial pain.

I always saw the need to forgive as a need to release myself from the negative energy that surrounds the situation. The pain remains but there is no benefit in dwelling on it.

 

[Windwalker]

What self failures does one need to acknowledge to forgive a child murderer, a paedophile, a rapist. There are things in life that one should not feel guilty about not forgiving

Is there a reason you lept to such extremes? What I am talking about is not a tit-for-tat sort of forgiveness. It's not a case of, "I've never done anything that bad, so how can I forgive someone who's done terrible things far worse".

To answer your question, I would have to say there are levels or depths to how deeply one can know compassion and empathy within themselves to give to another. There are degrees of capacity we may run up against. But I would argue that at its highest and deepest expressions of love, if one has forgiven oneself completely, to the point you acknowledge you can be no other person's judge, then you could.

And I would add, that even in your example, if you do not forgive others, you injure yourself. It doesn't hurt them. It hurts ourselves to carry that in us, towards anyone.

 

[King Phenomenon]

What self failures does one need to acknowledge to forgive a child murderer, a paedophile, a rapist. There are things in life that one should not feel guilty about not forgiving

So let's say a rapist realizes what he did was wrong or she for that matter. To not forgive them, would that mean that a person would wish that they would have a bad life and not be able to move forward or hope that something bad would befall them? Or is it as simple as saying the words I don't forgive you and nothing more? I am not saying that the person who doesn't forgive t is wrong I'm just asking a question.

 

[King Phenomenon]

I would imagine different scenarios would have different levels of hardness in trying to forgive that person and some of the people that forgive might even take it a step further and want the person that hurt them to truly live a good life and forgive themselves for what they did.

 

[ChristineM]

Is there a reason you lept to such extremes? What I am talking about is not a tit-for-tat sort of forgiveness. It's not a case of, "I've never done anything that bad, so how can I forgive someone who's done terrible things far worse".

To answer your question, I would have to say there are levels or depths to how deeply one can know compassion and empathy within themselves to give to another. There are degrees of capacity we may run up against. But I would argue that at its highest and deepest expressions of love, if one has forgiven oneself completely, to the point you acknowledge you can be no other person's judge, then you could.

And I would add, that even in your example, if you do not forgive others, you injure yourself. It doesn't hurt them. It hurts ourselves to carry that in us, towards anyone.

What extremes? My post addressed yours which in effect lays the on other peoples crimes on the victim. Or perhaps i read it wrong?

Actually no, you don't hurt yourself, what happens is the perpetrator continues to hurt the victim.

 

[ChristineM]

So let's say a rapist realizes what he did was wrong or she for that matter. To not forgive them, would that mean that a person would wish that they would have a bad life and not be able to move forward or hope that something bad would befall them? Or is it as simple as saying the words I don't forgive you and nothing more? I am not saying that the person who doesn't forget is wrong I'm just asking a question.

Have you ever met or heard of a rapist who genuinely considers what they did was wrong?

 

[King Phenomenon]

Have you ever met or heard of a rapist who genuinely considers what they did was wrong?

No. Let's use a different scenario.
A bar fight. Both are drunk. One falls hits his head suffers brain damage. Should that personal forgive the other?

 

[Unveiled Artist]

What self failures does one need to acknowledge to forgive a child murderer, a paedophile, a rapist. There are things in life that one should not feel guilty about not forgiving

If you (people in general) judge the person based on their actions, then there'd be no forgiveness without expectations and strings attached. Unless that person doesn't value forgiveness at all (which would be an honest route), forgive some people and not others isn't genuine. It's better to not forgive than to pick and choose who you forgive as if not all of us are human.

I'd forgive a child murderer and a rapist in one way or another but that's not the same as not inviting them to your kitchen table. I'd invite a pedophile to sit at my dinner table (if I knew her and was a friend) because I know attraction and action are two different things. So, it really depends on your definition of forgiveness.

 

[ChristineM]

No. Let's use a different scenario.
A bar fight. Both are drunk. One falls hits his head suffers brain damage. Should that personal forgive the other?

That is dependent on who started the bar fight

And of course forgiveness should be earned, to expect it freely reduces its value

 

[ChristineM]

If you (people in general) judge the person based on their actions, then there'd be no forgiveness without expectations and strings attached. Unless that person doesn't value forgiveness at all (which would be an honest route), forgive some people and not others isn't genuine. It's better to not forgive than to pick and choose who you forgive as if not all of us are human.

I'd forgive a child murderer and a rapist in one way or another but that's not the same as not inviting them to your kitchen table. I'd invite a pedophile to sit at my dinner table (if I knew her and was a friend) because I know attraction and action are two different things. So, it really depends on your definition of forgiveness.

We have been here before. Unless you have been there you cannot know.

 

[King Phenomenon]

That is dependent on who started the bar fight

OK let's say the person who got hurt didn't start it

 

[ChristineM]

OK let's say the person who got hurt didn't start it

I edited my post but will repeat the edit here.

Forgiveness should be earned, to expect it freely reduces its value.

In the scenario you mention there are so many ifs...
If the one who started the fight shows remorse,
If the one who started the fight did do for a good reason and not simply out of spite
If the one with the brain damage can actually think about forgiveness
If the one with the brain damage is able to live a quality life without constant pain, without major upheaval to their life and family.
So many ifs

 

[The Hammer]

What self failures does one need to acknowledge to forgive a child murderer, a paedophile, a rapist. There are things in life that one should not feel guilty about not forgiving

Quite a lot starting with Anger. Considering that, while these crimes seem unforgivable. Those people are not, as they are just sick individuals who need help, not a lack of forgiveness. And to help someone you must set aside anger towards them.

 

[74x12]

When someone is unable to forgive another do you think the main reason is because they've never done anything wrong themselves to the degree that would need forgiveness? Not that this should be the reason to forgive someone.
Are there other reasons and if so are they a lower percentage of the reasons?

One common reason is because they still hurt. They must heal themselves and it will be easier to forgive.