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For Christians: Frustrated...sexually
- Thread starter MormonDadTX
- Start date
MormonDadTX
New Member
Well today the wheels came off our plan. I have been working on a big project at work for the last couple of weeks, friday it looked like it was going to fall through. This morning when we got up she said she had a dream and and explained how I could salvage my project. It was awesome! I told her I liked it, I discussed the possibilites with her...etc. I, in my mind, thought we discussed it for for a long time. Since I have been reading my book, and she did find out she needs hormone theorpy and is getting treatment, I have been really trying to include her in my work conversations and listening to her ideas. And this one was great. So after several minutes of discussion I pulled out my laptop to start putting together the new proposal. Later that morning(by the way, I brought her breakfast in bed, eggs benedict, homemade) I commentmented several times on what a great idea she had, told her I loved her idea, awesome idea, bla bla bla. Well this afternoon she had a meltdown. Screaming at the kids, yelling at them for no reason. Sending them to bed at 8pm (teenagers) I knew something was wrong. I went to go talk to her. She told me to get lost, same old thing, I ignored her, didn't listen to her, didn't think her idea was important. I was freakin lost! That is all I talked about all morning. I told her how awesome it was several times. She said she wasn't done talking about it, she had more to say, but I just interupted and picked up my laptop and that was the end of her input. Seriously, I was so excited about her idea I couldn't wait to start to working on the new proposal, but I honestly didn't reach for the laptop until, I thought, the conversation was over. Really, if I thought she had more to say, I would have listened. But we talked, we had a back and forth. We discussed options and outcomes, bla, bla, bla. I totally and completely thought we had finished the talk. So she was ****** all day and finally let it out on the kids this afternoon. Now what do I do? She is taking meds, I am reading my book and I thought I was giving it the college try, but I guess it wasn't enough. I'm lost!
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
It really does sound like a lot of the problem is hormonal. I don't know how long she's been taking those meds, but give it 30 days - maybe even more time. She may have to get the dosage adjusted also. She should have an appt with her doctor 30 days after starting the hormones and she should tell him how she's feeling and see if he recommends an adjustment.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
MormonDadTX
New Member
Hormone Therapy Update:
Not really going well. Maybe I was expecting too much too soon. The doctor promised that her moods would regulate, her sex drive would come back, etc, etc , etc. She was actually excited in the doctors office. Said she would love to be like her old self again. It hasn't happen. I don't know how much the hormones haven't worked, or how much stress has played a role. Money has been tight all summer, we didn't get the big vacation we wanted. I said something stupid like if she would help out at work maybe things would be better. That didn't go over well. I think she is getting more and more depressed. Sits on her computer and plays on her Facebook farm for hours. We had to go out yesterday to get some things for my sons room at college, she had a panic attack about leaving the house. So there are some deep problems going on. She is "sick". (How much of the problems I caused is an argument for another day) But back to my original "problem". All to often we hear of some man who had an affair on his wife while she was pregnant or sick, and the worst, John Edwards when his wife had cancer. I don't want to be like those men, I can't excuse their behavior, but I'm saying, I think I can understand it, if maybe only a little. First, the intimacy is lost, then the lust takes over, I could see where someone could let themselves get into trouble. So now I look like a selfish ***. I love her. I want her to feel better. I know she is miserable. I know she is not her self. As a man, I want to fix it, but don't know how, so I'm frustrated. But, I miss having someone to snuggle up to, to make love to, and sometimes I just miss sex. She keeps saying to just go to work, make more money and it will all be better. Really? So is she saying that she is just a golddigger and that money is all she cares about. I believe stress can be a big part of her depression and mood swings, but if that what it comes down to, I will be depressed beyond belief myself.
Not really going well. Maybe I was expecting too much too soon. The doctor promised that her moods would regulate, her sex drive would come back, etc, etc , etc. She was actually excited in the doctors office. Said she would love to be like her old self again. It hasn't happen. I don't know how much the hormones haven't worked, or how much stress has played a role. Money has been tight all summer, we didn't get the big vacation we wanted. I said something stupid like if she would help out at work maybe things would be better. That didn't go over well. I think she is getting more and more depressed. Sits on her computer and plays on her Facebook farm for hours. We had to go out yesterday to get some things for my sons room at college, she had a panic attack about leaving the house. So there are some deep problems going on. She is "sick". (How much of the problems I caused is an argument for another day) But back to my original "problem". All to often we hear of some man who had an affair on his wife while she was pregnant or sick, and the worst, John Edwards when his wife had cancer. I don't want to be like those men, I can't excuse their behavior, but I'm saying, I think I can understand it, if maybe only a little. First, the intimacy is lost, then the lust takes over, I could see where someone could let themselves get into trouble. So now I look like a selfish ***. I love her. I want her to feel better. I know she is miserable. I know she is not her self. As a man, I want to fix it, but don't know how, so I'm frustrated. But, I miss having someone to snuggle up to, to make love to, and sometimes I just miss sex. She keeps saying to just go to work, make more money and it will all be better. Really? So is she saying that she is just a golddigger and that money is all she cares about. I believe stress can be a big part of her depression and mood swings, but if that what it comes down to, I will be depressed beyond belief myself.
Ukonkivi
Member
You say that masturbation is"giving into the desires of man". But the fact you claim to need to have more frequent sex in order to not be miserable shows you're already giving into your earthly desires. You do not need to have sex in order to or partake in sexual behavior in order to
If you want to avoid giving into earthly desires, it starts with yourself, and not with your wife.
She's right, nothing is wrong. It's your problem. A lack of sex is not a problem or a sin. You are choosing to be miserable and let your sexual feelings get out of hand. And you should asking for Jesus' help with praying to God for help with your problem. So that you can live with sex less.
One does not need sex to live and be happy. And many respectable Christians have lived a life of complete celibacy.
And I don't mean to say this to challenge your faith at all. Please don't remove my post mods, I'm trying to be helpful, while being respectful of this person's religious views.
And by the "world" you says would "want you to have an affair", I assume you mean the non-Christian world, which includes people like me. But I would not recommend you cheating.
I would however, recommend one of two things. Masturbation, which I do not believe is worse than having sex with your wife. Especially if you are thinking about her or nothing at all when you do so. Or you just learn to go without until your partner is fine with it. I DO believe masturbation is an option. And I'm not arguing from a non-Christian viewpoint.
The one thing I would never encourage, is trying to get your wife to have more sex with you. A partner needs to pressure to fill the sexual desires of their mate. That is a lustful violation of a partner and disrespectful. If she refuses to talk, then respect that. And make the sexual change yourself. A feeling of lust is not only that for that which you are not committed to, it is any disrespectful sexual fortitude. For instance, a man who feels feelings of desire to rape a partner, married to that person or not, is committing a grave sin.
Remember that partaking is sexuality without sin is more than just commitment, but also about respect.
The Neo Nerd
Well-Known Member
I know i'm not a christian so i'm not allowed to post in this thread but i have been reading and my heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry if this is already obvious but it bears repeating.
Women are all about emotions.
Men are all about the physical.
Discuss your emotions with her, discuss her emotions. I know how hard this is, i'm currently studying counselling and one of the hardest things for me is to discuss emotions in class especially when there is others guys in the class as well.
Talk to her, ask her questions but ask the right type of questions:
Instead of asking:
"Did you have a good day?"
ask:
"how was your day?"
The first question is a closed question it elicits a yes or no response. The second question is an open question it requires her to tell you about her day. Open questions will her speak about her day, her concerns, her highs, her lows.
Now that you've got her talking, youve got to do what is called actively listening. This involves not only listening but also showing that you are listening, look her in the eyes, nod your head when she is talking, use minimal encouragers like yep, ah huh, WOW!!!!!!. This will make her feel like you are actually listening and she will like it.
When she discusses a feeling or the like do whats called paraphrasing, rephrase her feelings in your own words. This serves two purposes it shows that you are listening and it also allows you to check that you have understood what she has said.
eg.
If she says:
"I'm so over work, my boss never listens to me"
Say something like:
"So you feel your boss isnt respecting you"
She can either say yes or she will correct your assumption.
Now when talking about your feelings (im sorry you are just going to have to do this) Use 'I feel' statements.
eg.
"I feel that we have drifted apart"
or
"When you *insert problem behaviour*, i feel that you don't care about me and i get upset"
Talk to her, listen to her, share your feelings. Reconnect on an emotional level and you will reconnect on a physical level.
And as far as gifts go, if she thinks that you are only giving her gifts to get sex then she will take offence to them.
I hope this gives you some stuff to think about.
-Q
I'm sorry if this is already obvious but it bears repeating.
Women are all about emotions.
Men are all about the physical.
Discuss your emotions with her, discuss her emotions. I know how hard this is, i'm currently studying counselling and one of the hardest things for me is to discuss emotions in class especially when there is others guys in the class as well.
Talk to her, ask her questions but ask the right type of questions:
Instead of asking:
"Did you have a good day?"
ask:
"how was your day?"
The first question is a closed question it elicits a yes or no response. The second question is an open question it requires her to tell you about her day. Open questions will her speak about her day, her concerns, her highs, her lows.
Now that you've got her talking, youve got to do what is called actively listening. This involves not only listening but also showing that you are listening, look her in the eyes, nod your head when she is talking, use minimal encouragers like yep, ah huh, WOW!!!!!!. This will make her feel like you are actually listening and she will like it.
When she discusses a feeling or the like do whats called paraphrasing, rephrase her feelings in your own words. This serves two purposes it shows that you are listening and it also allows you to check that you have understood what she has said.
eg.
If she says:
"I'm so over work, my boss never listens to me"
Say something like:
"So you feel your boss isnt respecting you"
She can either say yes or she will correct your assumption.
Now when talking about your feelings (im sorry you are just going to have to do this) Use 'I feel' statements.
eg.
"I feel that we have drifted apart"
or
"When you *insert problem behaviour*, i feel that you don't care about me and i get upset"
Talk to her, listen to her, share your feelings. Reconnect on an emotional level and you will reconnect on a physical level.
And as far as gifts go, if she thinks that you are only giving her gifts to get sex then she will take offence to them.
I hope this gives you some stuff to think about.
-Q
Terrywoodenpic
Oldest Heretic
Sex is never a duty....
Marriage can not be based on sex...
Sexual desire in the norm for men and women...
But its fulfillment is not essential...
most marriages require Respect, Love and physical comfort in the form of sex In that order...
If you lose one, reliance on a successful marriage depends strongly on the others.
If love and respect are truly lost all that remains is a shell.
Marriages require as much concentration and attention as does ones work.
Start with Respect and Love becomes possible ... with Love every thing else becomes possible.
Marriage can not be based on sex...
Sexual desire in the norm for men and women...
But its fulfillment is not essential...
most marriages require Respect, Love and physical comfort in the form of sex In that order...
If you lose one, reliance on a successful marriage depends strongly on the others.
If love and respect are truly lost all that remains is a shell.
Marriages require as much concentration and attention as does ones work.
Start with Respect and Love becomes possible ... with Love every thing else becomes possible.
Ukonkivi
Member
Wow, that wasn't sexist at all!
The Neo Nerd
Well-Known Member
Care to qualify that statement?
MormonDadTX
New Member
Its been a couple of months since the hormone therapy started. After several visits to the Doctor and some trial and errors there has been some significant changes. I have my wife back. Maybe more importantly to say, she has herself back. She is no longer depressed, has more energy, is happy, is the outgoing person she always was...etc, etc, etc. It's like the light inside her came back on. And yes along with all this I have to say that the sex life is incredible, infact, I have been doing all I can to keep up. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. We joke with each other again over things that over the last few years would have started an argument. I post this to give anyone else out there the hope or the knowledge that there is help and hope.
CelticRavenwolf
She Who is Lost
I've been reading this thread, and I have to say that I'm so happy for you that things are going well.
Your July 18 entry gave me a sick feeling in my stomach, because I fully understood the reality of your wife's world at that point. Depression caused by hormones is a very real problem, and it's one that nearly cost me my own marriage. I'm so very glad to hear that the treatment worked, and I'm glad that she has such a caring husband who could feel so much empathy for her, scrutinize and modify his own behaviour to the extent that you have to bring peace to the household.
Your July 18 entry gave me a sick feeling in my stomach, because I fully understood the reality of your wife's world at that point. Depression caused by hormones is a very real problem, and it's one that nearly cost me my own marriage. I'm so very glad to hear that the treatment worked, and I'm glad that she has such a caring husband who could feel so much empathy for her, scrutinize and modify his own behaviour to the extent that you have to bring peace to the household.
The Neo Nerd
Well-Known Member
This is awesome. Not because of the sex but because she got herself back.
Congratulations.
-Q
Congratulations.
-Q
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
I'm so happy for both of you!
As a woman on hormone replacement therapy, I can tell you that the right balance makes a HUGE difference!
My husband calls them "happy pills." Actually, I use a patch now - a little one on my hip, and it works great. I don't even have to remember to take a pill each day and the patch has fewer side effects - actually NO side effects.
As a woman on hormone replacement therapy, I can tell you that the right balance makes a HUGE difference!
My husband calls them "happy pills." Actually, I use a patch now - a little one on my hip, and it works great. I don't even have to remember to take a pill each day and the patch has fewer side effects - actually NO side effects.
MormonDadTX
New Member
I want to thank all you who offered advise and support. It has been a trying few years. The doctor put little pellet implants just under the skin in my wife's hip. She feels that the current mixture was a little off, so once a month she goes in for a shot of some kind that works just fine. I'll have to mention the patch. Thanks again.
Again, most importantly, I didn't get what I wanted, she got herself back, and is out of that depression and fog she was.
Again, most importantly, I didn't get what I wanted, she got herself back, and is out of that depression and fog she was.