Does anybody feel the way I do? Religious-based trauma?

[JeremK]

I am reaching out to all of you today to see if anybody can relate to my problem. I'm sure that others on this form, particularly ex-Christians or ex-Muslims, will be able to relate.

During my time in faith, I felt a loving, awesome presence. However, as time went on, I began to experience more and more anxiety along with this presence. This was mostly caused by my bisexuality, as I was homophobic at the time. Seeing guys who I was attracted to made me cringe and occasionally even panic. I remember one night in particular where I was up late in the night fearing I had committed an unforgivable sin. Eventually, I started to doubt my faith, after talking to an Atheist who pointed out some of the Bible's false prophecies and contradictions. Additionally, a member of my family died on the day we had planned to say goodbye to him before we could do so. All of these prompted me to leave the faith. My entire worldview was shattered, leaving me in a massive depression for about two weeks.

I have had an anxiety disorder for the majority of my life, but due to the above experiences it has only gotten worse. I have a massive self-hatred complex. I live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I'm insanely scared about the future and about things not in my control. I have gotten less social, and less confident. Due to my constant stress I have gained about fifty pounds, although that amount is beginning to decrease slightly. I have had thoughts about killing myself and/or others. I have frequent intrusive thoughts telling me that terrorists are right and that my loved ones and I will go to Hell when we die for not believing in God. I still feel the positive presence even though I don't believe in God anymore. Whenever I feel the positive presence (that I used to feel with God), I feel even worse about myself.

Apparently, there is a name for this: it's called Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS). If anyone is out there who is suffering in a similar manner, then please message me. I would heavily appreciate advice from everybody reading this as well. And, before this is asked, I have a therapist and various friends of mine who I talk to about all of this. My anxieties have lessened recently due to them, and they prevented me from suicide.

Happy trails to all of you.

 

[Laika]

I know this feeling very well, having had anxiety, depression and sucicidal thoughts for many years because I'm bisexual and it clashed with many of my earlier beliefs, behaviours etc. I'm sort of getting over it but it has taken alot of time. I am an atheist however, but tha taboos on sexuality are deep-seated and so it takes time to realise they can be a problem for letting you be yourself. it is however remarkably common for people to have conflicts over their sexuality, and it is all the more difficult when religion is supposed to be about love of oneself and mankind.

I think it is important that you draw a distinction between doubting your beliefs and doubting yourself.The former is a natural process of being within a belief system , growing within it and even beyond it. The latter, is about feeling vulnerabile, insignificant, rejected, etc. That is probably why you felt depressed as somehow you may have thought that you chose the "wrong" belief system and that it was somehow your fault. you can feel violated and betrayed for trusting and believing something that wasn't true. But really, it isn't our fault as rarely do we consciously make a decision to become of one belief system or another. it is something we were born with or grow into with time. it also takes time to grow away from it. its never a wholly rational decision and so learning to listen to our inner voice and our emotions can be a struggle when it conflicts with things we accept and have been taught as true or right. listen to that "positive presence". its not making you feel bad, denying the feeling of warmth, comfort and security of it is. whether you think it is god or your soul, it will get you through this. love and forgive yourself, be willing to accept both the hurt and the anger, do not be ashamed of feeling in conflict with yourself and other people, and I promise things will get better.

Honestly, the best thing is having a good support network. so having freinds who you can talk to is great, especially if they are alot of fun to be around. it is even better than a therapist, although with the latter you can test the water on certian subjects that you may feel are taboo but are important to explore in coming to terms with a new religious and sexual identity. Often, these things can feel more serious than they really are, and learning to let go, relax, have fun and laugh off some of our problems is a healthy thing to do. take your time and be happy being yourself. "god is love" remember and love is what makes us human.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Yes, I've had similar experiences over my sexuality. Not just for having homosexual feelings, but just for having sexual feelings, period! I would go through periods of deep self-hatred and scrupulosity. I've mostly gotten over it, though, and I retain my belief in God and Christ.

I've suffered from severe depression and anxiety disorder for years. I've been suicidal and had homicidal feelings, too. But since being on medication, that's largely under control.

 

[Riverwolf]

I am reaching out to all of you today to see if anybody can relate to my problem. I'm sure that others on this form, particularly ex-Christians or ex-Muslims, will be able to relate.

During my time in faith, I felt a loving, awesome presence. However, as time went on, I began to experience more and more anxiety along with this presence. This was mostly caused by my bisexuality, as I was homophobic at the time. Seeing guys who I was attracted to made me cringe and occasionally even panic. I remember one night in particular where I was up late in the night fearing I had committed an unforgivable sin. Eventually, I started to doubt my faith, after talking to an Atheist who pointed out some of the Bible's false prophecies and contradictions. Additionally, a member of my family died on the day we had planned to say goodbye to him before we could do so. All of these prompted me to leave the faith. My entire worldview was shattered, leaving me in a massive depression for about two weeks.

I have had an anxiety disorder for the majority of my life, but due to the above experiences it has only gotten worse. I have a massive self-hatred complex. I live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I'm insanely scared about the future and about things not in my control. I have gotten less social, and less confident. Due to my constant stress I have gained about fifty pounds, although that amount is beginning to decrease slightly. I have had thoughts about killing myself and/or others. I have frequent intrusive thoughts telling me that terrorists are right and that my loved ones and I will go to Hell when we die for not believing in God. I still feel the positive presence even though I don't believe in God anymore. Whenever I feel the positive presence (that I used to feel with God), I feel even worse about myself.

Apparently, there is a name for this: it's called Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS). If anyone is out there who is suffering in a similar manner, then please message me. I would heavily appreciate advice from everybody reading this as well. And, before this is asked, I have a therapist and various friends of mine who I talk to about all of this. My anxieties have lessened recently due to them, and they prevented me from suicide.

Happy trails to all of you.

I wish you good health and recovery. I suffer from anxiety and depression, as well.

I didn't grow up in a religious household, but as I live in the States, Christian-derived values (particularly those from puritan churches) were ingrained in me, including the idea of sex being shameful and taboo. (All those taunts of "turning gay" during Middle School didn't help matters; if I'm bisexual, I don't know if I'll ever know it). These together helped contribute to my own situation (I, too, have a therapist and supportive social circle). I suspect pain that's similar to yours is felt by a lot of people, including those who, like me, didn't grow up religious.

I can say that you're absolutely not alone, and that there's nothing shameful about feeling this positive presence, just as there's nothing shameful about being bisexual (my partner is, as well). You're free to interpret it however you wish, whether as a God, a familial wight, or any other number of things. There's hundreds of different religions, each with their own approaches to life and the divine (some are even atheist). Discarding the one you grew up with doesn't necessarily mean discarding all others, though since I see you're UU, you might already know that.

 

[Lyndon]

Well I can't speak for bisexuality, I thought I could add this advice, anyone that is the least bit suicidal/homicidal, Please, Please, strictly limit your access to firearms.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

My experience is about the same. Being a MtF trans and have attractions towards men, I built up a ton of self-hatred over myself, and sex in general. I used to be very depressed about it, lots of anxiety (worse than I have today), and contemplating suicide was something I thought about a lot, seriously a few times, and one attempt (I was going to slit my wrists, but fortunately I couldn't find the only knife sharp enough, and a complete lack of will to do anything else, including moving around to find another one, prevented it). It took me a few years to shake off the religious hang-ups about everything, to purge myself of the toxic doctrines I was brain-washed with (I used to be vehemently anti-gay), and to reach a point where I could begin to work on myself. But I still remember the dreams, nightmares really, even to the point of feeling the pains, both emotional and physical, of going to Hell when my faith began to waiver. I also remember the rejection and ridicule after I left Christianity (this was during high school). And then for a few years I held a lot of bitterness and anger towards Christianity and Christians.
But I have since moved on, and addressing the other issues in my life and trying to work to overcome those. I also have not considered suicide in many years. It did take some time for me to get over the seeds of negativity that were planted in my head by the church (specifically a Southern Baptist church), but you are about the age I was when I left Christianity, and I hope you can recovery and enjoy the remainder of your youth.

 

[JeremK]

My experience is about the same. Being a MtF trans and have attractions towards men, I built up a ton of self-hatred over myself, and sex in general. I used to be very depressed about it, lots of anxiety (worse than I have today), and contemplating suicide was something I thought about a lot, seriously a few times, and one attempt (I was going to slit my wrists, but fortunately I couldn't find the only knife sharp enough, and a complete lack of will to do anything else, including moving around to find another one, prevented it). It took me a few years to shake off the religious hang-ups about everything, to purge myself of the toxic doctrines I was brain-washed with (I used to be vehemently anti-gay), and to reach a point where I could begin to work on myself. But I still remember the dreams, nightmares really, even to the point of feeling the pains, both emotional and physical, of going to Hell when my faith began to waiver. I also remember the rejection and ridicule after I left Christianity (this was during high school). And then for a few years I held a lot of bitterness and anger towards Christianity and Christians.
But I have since moved on, and addressing the other issues in my life and trying to work to overcome those. I also have not considered suicide in many years. It did take some time for me to get over the seeds of negativity that were planted in my head by the church (specifically a Southern Baptist church), but you are about the age I was when I left Christianity, and I hope you can recovery and enjoy the remainder of your youth.

I am very glad that you've gotten back to being (mostly) happy and moved on with your life. I can relate to your former situation very, very well and perhaps messaging you and getting advice would be a viable way to help me recover faster.

Something that stuck out to me in this post was your mentioning of feeling both the physical and mental pains of Hell: I can relate to this very much.
When I was trying to go to sleep a few nights ago, I suddenly felt that way. It was extremely unpleasant and frightening.

How did you deal with these nightmares?

 

[Shadow Wolf]

How did you deal with these nightmares?

At first they frightened me, and caused me to review my life and my faith. I didn't really get over them until after I left Christianity, and no longer believed in eternal damnation. After I abandoned that faith, what I no longer believed in had no more sway over me, so why fear it?
But I was still homophobic, and it took hanging out a New Age store where I met several homosexuals, got to know them, and realized they too are just normal people It's also the same place and reason I got over my prejudice against Mexicans that I was brought up to hold, as I also met several Mexican people at that store. And it also helped me get over my bitterness and resentment towards Christianity and Christians as the owner hired a Christian lady (who is a pastor's wife) as her one employee. It also helped me to really see that a person, not their religion, should be judged when the pastor invited me to dinner with his family (religion was not brought up at all).
Coming to terms with myself and accepting myself took longer yet, and that didn't happen until I grew tired and weary of living a hollow and meaningless life of having to wear masks that didn't reflect who I am.

 

[arthra]

My anxieties have lessened recently due to them, and they prevented me from suicide.

So Jerem.. ... have been involved in therapy? I can only recommend that if you are to continue in therapy.

 

[JeremK]

So Jerem.. ... have been involved in therapy? I can only recommend that if you are to continue in therapy.

Yes, I have a therapist. He's quite helpful.

 

[jeager106]

I'm straight and Christian.
So why do I "feel" your pain and offer you my friendship and love?
I have had a few homosexual and bisexual friends whom I loved
dearly and we never had an "encounter" of any kind.
I just loved them as the friends they were.
Most all have moved away and one very, very, sensitive and great
friend ended his life which hurt me deeply.
I miss him.

 

[JeremK]

I'm straight and Christian.
So why do I "feel" your pain and offer you my friendship and love?
I have had a few homosexual and bisexual friends whom I loved
dearly and we never had an "encounter" of any kind.
I just loved them as the friends they were.
Most all have moved away and one very, very, sensitive and great
friend ended his life which hurt me deeply.
I miss him.

I'm so sorry about your friend... :/

I accept your offer.

 

[jeager106]

I'm so sorry about your friend... :/

I accept your offer.

Thank you. You have a kind heart.

 

[JeremK]

Damn it all... I was finally feeling better and more confident in myself. After being put on suicide watch Sunday, my meeting with my therapist was the first time where I felt loved and actually at peace. Now I see this article and all of that goes to the ****ter.

https://www.edendecoded.com/blog-2/item/satan-is-a-transsexual-too

God wants me to end it. He hates me.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Damn it all... I was finally feeling better and more confident in myself. After being put on suicide watch Sunday, my meeting with my therapist was the first time where I felt loved and actually at peace. Now I see this article and all of that goes to the ****ter.

https://www.edendecoded.com/blog-2/item/satan-is-a-transsexual-too

God wants me to end it. He hates me.

You can't let stupid people get you down. Just don't. You're too good to let idiots dictate and control you like that.

 

[Aupmanyav]

God wants me to end it. He hates me.

I do not know about God. I am an atheist. But it is your life, take care of it.

 

[Lyndon]

If anyone tells you God hates you for being bisexual, they don't know God at all, because God would never say that. IMHO

 

[Sundance]

Jerem, I don't know you or fully understand what it is you must be feeling. However, I do know this: God does not hate you. God loves you. He made you in His Image. Point blank. No strings attached. Don't never let nobody tell you no different, y'know? It truly is heartbreaking to read what you posted. It echoes the sentiments of many people, not only in larger society, but also many individuals on these forums. They end up rejecting or having rejected and in many cases even hating God, Christ, and the message of the Gospel, not because of any of that, but rather, people claiming it, but not walking in it (who actually do the hating and mistreating). But what they may not realize is that they have rejected a God whose very essence is love, who loves and gives worth to each and every single person without measure; a man who was the very Incarnation of that same God who loves the world so much; and the religion that starts with the same Gospel built through and through upon the very fact that God loves us, the only one like it in the world. It's sadly ironic. My apologies if this was long-winded... I just had much to tell you. Well, peace, man.

 

[JeremK]

Something else I'm wondering: What if I put my faith into the Christian God, and then Islam turns out to be right? I'm scared of that possibility. I find it hard to see the Quran as anything other than evil. And no, I'm not Islamophobic. I realize that the vast majority of Muslims are kind, even amazing people. But, look at the countries where there's Shar'ia law. LGBT people are sentenced to jail or killed. Women are entirely oppressed. Atheists are seen as terrorists (at least, by Saudi-Arabia). And then there are terrorists, who are very devout in their faith even though I don't like to admit it. Muhammad does very morally questionable things in the Quran, some of which are similar to what ISIS does now.

The Islamic God does not seem like a kind one... and at times, neither does the Christian one. They're kind of the same deity, anyways. What if God/Allah is simply trying to deceive me so that I go to Hell? I don't even know if these Gods are real, and yet I fear them as if they are.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

What if I put my faith into the Christian God, and then Islam turns out to be right? I'm scared of that possibility.

Even if it is, would you even want anything to do with a god whose holy books condone things such as slavery and the oppression of women?
Ask your self. Why is it that "god" tends to hate the same things that many humans have hated? Why is it that when our societies became more patriarchal that we start finding gods who are ok with a husband selling their daughter into slavery and telling women they must not ask questions in church and they must not hold positions of authority over men? Why is that someone finds homosexuality to be appalling, and it just so happens that god hates it too? Why would a "loving," "merciful," and "benevolent" deity be so filled with the lower emotions of humans? Why is it that the penalty throughout these books is so often death? That, to me, does not sound like any being worthy of being praised or worshiped, but the words of men who are desperate for control.