Dating and Proposing

[1137]

Hey all,

I'm wondering if there's a general (1) length of literal time spent together and (2) length of time physically spent together one should reach before proposing? There's two variable because, for example, maybe it's been a few months but you spend every day together, or it's been a year of long distance and you've barely been face to face. Where is the perfect balance for proposing? Not an actual formula obviously, I guess more like "when is it way too early/you waited way too long" to propose?

 

[Kemosloby]

Whenever you feel like it.

 

[suncowiam]

Well, the way it worked for me was my wife's parents stepping in and forcing us to get married after finding out we were living together.

LOL

We didn't marry right away but maybe like 3-4 years later.

 

[Satans_Serrated_Edge]

Hey all,

I'm wondering if there's a general (1) length of literal time spent together and (2) length of time physically spent together one should reach before proposing? There's two variable because, for example, maybe it's been a few months but you spend every day together, or it's been a year of long distance and you've barely been face to face. Where is the perfect balance for proposing? Not an actual formula obviously, I guess more like "when is it way too early/you waited way too long" to propose?

If you're smart, never. There is pretty much no benefit to it. The whole thing is archaic and ultimately acts as a bill of sale for another human being.

On top of that, there is something that rubs me against the fur about seeking approval from the church or the state for a personal relationship.

This is how I see it; if two people want to be together they will be together.

If one or both people no longer wish to be with the other, they should be free to walk away, at any time, without having to endure complicated legal proceedings.

Further, the fact that this possibility exists often triggers the "trapped" mentality for one or both people, ruining what was once an organic and happy relationship. Most modern (non arranged) marriages don't last long.(the arranged ones tend to last for life..go figure)

 

[Laika]

Hey all,

I'm wondering if there's a general (1) length of literal time spent together and (2) length of time physically spent together one should reach before proposing? There's two variable because, for example, maybe it's been a few months but you spend every day together, or it's been a year of long distance and you've barely been face to face. Where is the perfect balance for proposing? Not an actual formula obviously, I guess more like "when is it way too early/you waited way too long" to propose?

If you find yourself talking with them practically every day, even when you are separated (so you talk on the phone or via e-mail or chat) I'd say that's a pretty good sign that you may be in territory to propose. I don't think its necessarily the amount of time, but the quality of the time you spend together and the amount of effort you do to be together and stay in touch.

I know culturally we're all supposed to live up to some ridiculous expectation of it being an amazing moment, but it doesn't have to be. Forget the pressure. forget about what everyone else is "supposed" to do. Its your life after all and people can't tell you you're loving someone the wrong way. [ok, maybe I can think of exceptions here because I have a sick and twisted mind, that but you know what I mean... ]

Its a question of two people knowing that time only makes their relationship richer because they are so good together. They find that obstacles makes the relationship stronger. If you're worried about being embarrassed or rejected, that should be a moment to stop and wonder if that is because you don't think you can be yourself around someone because they will not accept you or if you can't accept yourself. Being honest with yourself and what you want is what matters here. Just think about why you're uncomfortable and if it gives way because you know this person will accept you no matter what- you probably should find a moment to ask. If it was me, I'd take them for a long walk or a nice dinner and bring it up in the conversation and see what happens. I'm quite an introvert so I'm not in to big, empty gestures. Its not my style. I'd just want to be happy making someone else happy. The rest is history.

 

[Nakosis]

If you're smart, never. There is pretty much no benefit to it. The whole thing is archaic and ultimately acts as a bill of sale for another human being.

On top of that, there is something that rubs me against the fur about seeking approval from the church or the state for a personal relationship.

This is how I see it; if two people want to be together they will be together.

If one or both people no longer wish to be with the other, they should be free to walk away, at any time, without having to endure complicated legal proceedings.

Further, the fact that this possibility exists often triggers the "trapped" mentality for one or both people, ruining what was once an organic and happy relationship. Most modern (non arranged) marriages don't last long.(the arranged ones tend to last for life..go figure)

Ok, but if a couple is planning on having kids, I feel that marriage will more likely be better for the well being of the children.

If not then there probably is no need for marriage.

 

[Satans_Serrated_Edge]

Ok, but if a couple is planning on having kids, I feel that marriage will more likely be better for the well being of the children.

If not then there probably is no need for marriage.

In what way would it be better?

 

[ADigitalArtist]

In what way would it be better?

Equal protection of assets for the children under law, double adoption laws, most insurances won't extend to the whole family without marriage, government aid programs and taxes which can be claimed by both parents if they're married.
My husband and I didn't get married to look for approval from the state for our relationship, it's because it simplifies and streamlines our legal protections, wealth and decision making power as a single unit.

 

[Nakosis]

In what way would it be better?

Makes it more difficult for the parents to call it quits in a marriage. More of a legal commitment. There's more of an obligation to work out minor issues in a relationship.

 

[bobhikes]

Hey all,

I'm wondering if there's a general (1) length of literal time spent together and (2) length of time physically spent together one should reach before proposing? There's two variable because, for example, maybe it's been a few months but you spend every day together, or it's been a year of long distance and you've barely been face to face. Where is the perfect balance for proposing? Not an actual formula obviously, I guess more like "when is it way too early/you waited way too long" to propose?

Here's an example I dated 10 different women 2 I asked to marry me. I typically dated for about 6 months seeing a couple times a week but not daily. The first I asked to marry me, was after we dated nine months broke up a few years later started dating again after 1 month mostly out of fear of getting old I asked her to marry me, fortunately she said no. The second girl I asked to marry me on the 2nd date I knew I was going to ask her, we saw each other twice during the week and weekends. At the end of the first month I asked her what she thought about marriage at the end of the 2nd month I proposed and we were married at the end of the third month. We have 2 boys and are married 20 years and counting so I guess 2 days is all you really need.

 

[Jeremiah Ames]

Hey all,

I'm wondering if there's a general (1) length of literal time spent together and (2) length of time physically spent together one should reach before proposing? There's two variable because, for example, maybe it's been a few months but you spend every day together, or it's been a year of long distance and you've barely been face to face. Where is the perfect balance for proposing? Not an actual formula obviously, I guess more like "when is it way too early/you waited way too long" to propose?

Cool question. I think it all depends on the individuals though.
Can’t see it possible to have a perfect time.

 

[sun rise]

My wife of 48 years now and going strong hung out together for a couple of years before I proposed. Our marriage has of course had ups and downs with some explosive fights and some quiet tender moments. The commitment we made to each other was the necessary glue that allowed us to work through many issues because both of us really decided to make it work.

My answer to 'how long' is that there is no universal answer as has been said by others.

 

[Electra]

I do.

 

[Mindmaster]

If you're smart, never. There is pretty much no benefit to it. The whole thing is archaic and ultimately acts as a bill of sale for another human being.

On top of that, there is something that rubs me against the fur about seeking approval from the church or the state for a personal relationship.

This is how I see it; if two people want to be together they will be together.

If one or both people no longer wish to be with the other, they should be free to walk away, at any time, without having to endure complicated legal proceedings.

Further, the fact that this possibility exists often triggers the "trapped" mentality for one or both people, ruining what was once an organic and happy relationship. Most modern (non arranged) marriages don't last long.(the arranged ones tend to last for life..go figure)

I instinctively agree with this, but marriages are also tools to protect your wealth and make sure it lands up in the hands of your heirs with the least drama possible. The partners, while important, are not as important as landing the assets you've worked for in the hands of your family versus the state. Hence, to me the marriage is merely a framework for you to build Rome on, and what you do with it after that depends on your work on it. It can be a prison, a palace, a grind, or an expression of undying love. It can also be any/all of these at that same time!

To say the marriage is about the partners solely is a pretty selfish understanding of the term, for the partners are merely parts of the whole. That whole is a household built around that idea, the children, the partners, and the fruits of their labors that they share together. Do I feel that we should need state approval to be married together? Certainly not, but like all things there is a legal system that makes it slightly more advantageous to do so financially - provided you can use your due diligence to select a suitable match. This financial consideration is important, and while I think most people hate to sully their ideas of romance with such meandering thoughts we remain bound to the finite time for which we have left and we are dying a bit every day. The difference between the rich elites and the poor is simply estate management and asset protection - it isn't how much sweat they've paid, or chasing some libertine ideas of "open relationships" or whatever. If you want to be rich, successful, and leave a lasting legacy - a marriage with tons of kids, grand-kids, and wealth prudently conserved and shared is the way.

 

[England my lionheart]

You make each other happy is good enough, well you may think so but marriage changes things, all of a sudden rules appear, put someone in a cage and they are likely to want to escape, I think live together first and check her mum out, is she a mother in law from hell and has the attributes that your partner may have too.