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Bull[Stuff]

Quagmire

Quagmire

Imaginary talking monkey
Staff member
Premium Member
Bull[Stuff] by quagmire
Alternatley titled damn profanity filter.
​


I furrowed my field and planted my seed,
But I wasn't sure how much manure I would need,
So I went to the store, and I bought all I could,
And I piled it high, and I packed it down good,
And I waited and waited for something to sprout,
But my field just lie there--nothing came out.

So I sold all I owned and bought more manure still,
Till the field I'd planted grew into a hill,
Then I rested, assured that my hill would soon prosper,
But when harvest time came, there still weren't any crops there.

Still, I had to have something to fill up the glut,
So all I ate that year was, well, you-know-what.

But it soon became clear that this wouldn't suffice,
So I went on a journey in search of advice,
And I came to a church, where they gave me a sign,
Saying, "Plant our name on your hill and your crops will do fine",

So I planted their sign, and I played all their games,
And it sounded much better, but it tasted the same,
And no matter the sign, or the name that I named it,
the verdict was plain; t'would remain just the same ****,

"Alas and alack"! I cried out in despair,
"Surely God hates me"!, and "Life's so unfair"!,
How could He, the Creator, Condemn me, His creation,
To a lowly subsistence on cow defecation?

And it got in my eyes, in my ears, on my hands,
...blind, deaf and wretched I wandered the land,

Until one day it stormed in a furious gale,
With torrents of rain on a Biblical scale,
And when it was over, my eyes now flushed clean,
I climbed to high ground and surveyed the scene:

All I could see for miles around,
Were pile upon pile, and mound upon mound,
Of the same wretched substance with which I'd been cursed,
A blanket of Bull[stuff] that covered the earth.

"Is this all there is"!?, I cried out in despair,
To a being I barely suspected was there,
"Is this all you've made us? This is all?! This is it!!?
An infinite Universe covered in ****?



(to be continued.
 
Last edited:
A

angellous_evangellous

Guest
Quag -

The proper usage of the word would be "damned profanity filter."
 
Falvlun

Falvlun

Earthbending Lemur
Premium Member
Quagmire, I loved the poem- I enjoy this tongue in cheek wordplay and I've always been a sucker for such a wonderfully rhythmic rhyme scheme. Can't wait for the next installment.
 
Quagmire

Quagmire

Imaginary talking monkey
Staff member
Premium Member
YmirGF said:
I haven't seen any poetry on RF that I actually enjoyed, Quaggy - until now. I love it.
Click to expand...

Thanks Paul.
icon14.gif
 
bain-druie

bain-druie

Tree-Hugger!
Quagmire said:
I would gladly trade the profanity filter for a bad grammar filter. :yes:
Click to expand...

OK, now I'm irritated because I pushed the wrong button and my damn computer erased everything I wrote before. I have to start over!

What I said was: Et voila, your wish is granted! I used to be an editor, and I did notice a few technical grammatical errors, so I will give you my input below for whatever it's worth. [or something like that] I would not bother if your poem did not tell me you have talent; it flows well, keeps interest, and is well constructed overall. :clap That said, here goes:

[quote from Quagmire!]
I furrowed my field and planted my seed,
But I wasn't sure how much manure I would need,
So I went to the store, and I bought all I could,
And I piled it high, and I packed it down good,
And I waited and waited for something to sprout,
But my field just lie there--nothing came out. [endquote]

Ok, first: I suggest removing the first 'I' in the second line and the second 'I' in the third line. IMO they impede the flow a little bit, and I think it falls more naturally into a rhythm without them. (but that could just be my WARPED-A** sense of rhythm, of course)

Second: in the last line, change 'lie' to either 'lay' or 'laid' (grammatically correct verb usage).

Second stanza!

"So I sold all I owned and bought more manure still,
Till the field I'd planted grew into a hill,
Then I rested, assured that my hill would soon prosper,
But when harvest time came, there still weren't any crops there."

I suggest expanding the second line for rhythm reasons: 'Until the field I had planted grew into a hill'. I also suggest changing the last line to 'But when harvest came, there still weren't crops there' for the same reasons.

"But it soon became clear that this wouldn't suffice,
So I went on a journey in search of advise,
And I came to a church, where they gave me a sign,
Saying, "Plant our name on your hill and your crops will do fine","

2nd line: 'advice', correct sp. In the last line, I advise (verb form!) getting rid of 'Saying', because it disrupts the rhythm. To clarify, I suggest using in the third line a colon at the end after 'sign', rather than a comma.

"So I planted their sign, and I played all their games,
And it sounded much better, but it tasted the same,
And no matter the sign, or the name that I named it,
the verdict was plain; t'would remain just the same ****,"

Since this is a story in the structure of a poem, I would suggest removing the second 'I' from the first line, replacing the comma after 'games' with a semi-colon, then removing 'And' from the second line. The third line does not need to rhyme, so I suggest restructuring something like this: '...or the name that it bore,'... and also removing the 'just' from the last line.

"Alas and alack"! I cried out in despair,
"Surely God hates me"!, and "Life's so unfair"!,
How could He, the Creator, Condemn me, His creation,
To a lowly subsistence on cow defecation?

In the first 2 lines, you need to put your punctuation *inside* the quotation marks in order to be grammatically correct. In the third line, I think you should make 'Condemn' a lowercase 'c' for the emphasis I imagine you might be aiming at.

LOOOOOVE the last line of this stanza! LOL

"All I could see for miles around,
Were pile upon pile, and mound upon mound,
Of the same wretched substance with which I'd been cursed,
A blanket of Bull[stuff] that covered the earth."

In the second line, 'Were' ought to be 'Was' to maintain verb-object consistency. 'Pile' and 'mound' are both singular, thus requiring a singular verb even though in the poem's context there are multiple piles and mounds to be seen.

And that's all she wrote! I have no other criticism at all; this is a wonderful poem, which amuses and entertains while it teaches a very disturbing concept. Great job. :yes:
 
Quagmire

Quagmire

Imaginary talking monkey
Staff member
Premium Member
bain-druie said:
OK, now I'm irritated because I pushed the wrong button and my damn computer erased everything I wrote before. I have to start over!
Click to expand...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate that. If it makes you feel any better though, according to my beliefs we get all those posts back in the next life, along with all those socks the dryer ate.

bain-druie said:
What I said was: Et voila, your wish is granted! I used to be an editor, and I did notice a few technical grammatical errors, so I will give you my input below for whatever it's worth. [or something like that] I would not bother if your poem did not tell me you have talent; it flows well, keeps interest, and is well constructed overall. :clap
Click to expand...


Thanks Bain Druie! :)
bain-druie said:
That said, here goes:

[quote from Quagmire!]
I furrowed my field and planted my seed,
But I wasn't sure how much manure I would need,
So I went to the store, and I bought all I could,
And I piled it high, and I packed it down good,
And I waited and waited for something to sprout,
But my field just lie there--nothing came out. [endquote]

Ok, first: I suggest removing the first 'I' in the second line and the second 'I' in the third line. IMO they impede the flow a little bit, and I think it falls more naturally into a rhythm without them. (but that could just be my WARPED-A** sense of rhythm, of course)
Click to expand...

Thanks, Bain Druie, but the over-abundance of first person pronouns is supposed to underline the narrator's narcissism. As far as the strain that puts on the rhythm, that's supposed to be there too :p, in the same way that listening to someone with a self-obsessive attitude always puts a strain on the listener's attention.

bain-druie said:
Second: in the last line, change 'lie' to either 'lay' or 'laid' (grammatically correct verb usage).
Click to expand...

Thanks, will do.

bain-druie said:
Second stanza!

"So I sold all I owned and bought more manure still,
Till the field I'd planted grew into a hill,
Then I rested, assured that my hill would soon prosper,
But when harvest time came, there still weren't any crops there."

I suggest expanding the second line for rhythm reasons: 'Until the field I had planted grew into a hill'. I also suggest changing the last line to 'But when harvest came, there still weren't crops there' for the same reasons.
Click to expand...

Problem is that would screw up the inherent rhyme between "til" and "still" in the sentence proceeding it.

bain-druie said:
"But it soon became clear that this wouldn't suffice,
So I went on a journey in search of advise,
And I came to a church, where they gave me a sign,
Saying, "Plant our name on your hill and your crops will do fine","

2nd line: 'advice', correct sp. In the last line, I advise (verb form!) getting rid of 'Saying', because it disrupts the rhythm. To clarify, I suggest using in the third line a colon at the end after 'sign', rather than a comma.
Click to expand...

Thanks. Again: will do.

bain-druie said:
"So I planted their sign, and I played all their games,
And it sounded much better, but it tasted the same,
And no matter the sign, or the name that I named it,
the verdict was plain; t'would remain just the same ****,"

Since this is a story in the structure of a poem, I would suggest removing the second 'I' from the first line, replacing the comma after 'games' with a semi-colon, then removing 'And' from the second line. The third line does not need to rhyme, so I suggest restructuring something like this: '...or the name that it bore,'... and also removing the 'just' from the last line.

"Alas and alack"! I cried out in despair,
"Surely God hates me"!, and "Life's so unfair"!,
How could He, the Creator, Condemn me, His creation,
To a lowly subsistence on cow defecation?

In the first 2 lines, you need to put your punctuation *inside* the quotation marks in order to be grammatically correct. In the third line, I think you should make 'Condemn' a lowercase 'c' for the emphasis I imagine you might be aiming at.
Click to expand...

Will do.

bain-druie said:
LOOOOOVE the last line of this stanza! LOL

"All I could see for miles around,
Were pile upon pile, and mound upon mound,
Of the same wretched substance with which I'd been cursed,
A blanket of Bull[stuff] that covered the earth."

In the second line, 'Were' ought to be 'Was' to maintain verb-object consistency. 'Pile' and 'mound' are both singular, thus requiring a singular verb even though in the poem's context there are multiple piles and mounds to be seen.
Click to expand...

In this case "were" as the first word in the second line comes close to ryhming with the "for" in the first line. It isn't grammatically correct, but to my ears it "sounds" better.

bain-druie said:
And that's all she wrote! I have no other criticism at all; this is a wonderful poem, which amuses and entertains while it teaches a very disturbing concept. Great job. :yes:
Click to expand...

Thanks again. :)
 
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