Being a Damaged Person

[SigurdReginson]

Yesterday, the hospital I work at moved EVERYTHING from the old hospital to the new one- in one go. It was such a **** show... We were all just scrambling to get everthing finished, and we did! Marvelously so. I didn't actually start my new position then, but instead they needed people in the dish room, so that's where I went!

See, this dish room had brand new equipment that no one had ever used before. We had to kind of just fumble in the dark and hope everything turned out ok. An interesting thing happened, though. People came to me with their questions. Before I knew it, I was leading the whole production and getting things done smoothly. Never really realized I had that kind of leadership quality, but apperently I do!

It got me excited for my new position, though. When I do it, it's going to be something that has a lot of responsibility. It's going to be on the hardest floor of the hospital, and it's going to take someone who can roll up their sleeves and get things done. I think I fill that roll pretty well.

So, things are going really well for me. I think it shows, too, because I've been getting a lot of attention from women lately. I've had to kind of friend zone a couple of them- they were a little too eager, and that's not really what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a long term kind of thing.

Therein lies the issue, though...

You see, though things are going great for me- better than ever before- I'm still very much caught within my issues. I've only ever escaped my main problems a month and a half ago? There are plenty of things about myself that I am very much either working on, or are just starting to work on now. I've neglected myself for a very long time, and only now am I actually facing those issues and fighting them off.

I've started texting this woman on a daily basis, and she's pretty damn wonderful. She knows some of my curent situation, but she hasn't really asked too many questions yet. One day, though, I'm going to have to spill the beans when it comes to the struggles I face, and my past... and I feel like when I do, she will probably ghost me. I wouldn't blame her, either.

I have red flags that haven't been dealt with yet, since I'm still very much just escaping my previous situation. Hell, I'm still sleeping on a cot (or as I tell my roommate, "The sad bed for lonely boys." ).

I feel like even when those issues are long since healed, though, how do I tell anyone I'm with in the future about the ****ty life experiences I've had in the past? There aren't very many people who would understand those things... I can't help feeling that by divulging that information, their opinion of me would drop.

I know it is what it is, and I have to be honest with folks I get that close to. I also know that everyone struggles against their own demons, and no one lives life unscathed. I do feel like my issues make me less of a person, though, and I have a lot of room to compensate for what I lack from my faliures. Only now am I starting to live, and I do feel like my past is kind of shackled around my ankle- like I'm just forced to drag this thing around forever.

Hmmm... Or, maybe I'm just overthinking things?

 

[sun rise]

I don't have any advice that I can offer. But I can hope that you find the right way at the right time and place.

And I believe that while some people could think less of you, the right person would understand and celebrate the positive changes you note in the OP.

 

[Secret Chief]

I do feel like my issues make me less of a person

Nonsense, man! If anyone can't accept the past that you have had then they are not in a position to appreciate the full you. True friends accept you for what you are, not judged against some perfect ideal.
As you say, we all have **** in our past.
And present.
And more to come.
Everyone.

 

[JustGeorge]

Honestly, the idea of a flawless person with a flawless past would seem kind of... well, I wouldn't believe it. Who doesn't have an issue here or there, and who had no troubles in their past? I'd suspect that they were either lying, withholding information(which can be permissible at times), or they were too calculating to really live at any point, and that would probably be a red flag in itself.

As for your own issues that you're still carting around, give it time. Slowly, those shackles will loosen, and one day you'll discover they're not there anymore, and you'll wonder where it was they fell off! In the meantime, be honest. If your situation scares anyone off, that's okay. They weren't the right one.

And remember, Dr. Seuss has your back:

 

[ChristineM]

Everyone has there past and the right person will understand and accept this knowing they too have their past.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I know it is what it is, and I have to be honest with folks I get that close to. I also know that everyone struggles against their own demons, and no one lives life unscathed. I do feel like my issues make me less of a person, though, and I have a lot of room to compensate for what I lack from my faliures. Only now am I starting to live, and I do feel like my past is kind of shackled around my ankle- like I'm just forced to drag this thing around forever.

Hmmm... Or, maybe I'm just overthinking things?

I think maybe you might be, just a little bit.. From what you write, it seems like you are geared for success, and one should hope that this builds itself more and more for you. Your past might have a few edges in it, but we have to keep in mind that there have been people that have had experiences so bad, that it had sunk their lives.. like take any of those people on the 'soft white underbelly' youtube channel.. those people tell stories about things in their past that are wholly debilitating

 

[SigurdReginson]

I don't have any advice that I can offer. But I can hope that you find the right way at the right time and place.

And I believe that while some people could think less of you, the right person would understand and celebrate the positive changes you note in the OP.

You make a really good point. I have come a long, long way... Thanks for the kind words.

 

[SigurdReginson]

Nonsense, man! If anyone can't accept the past that you have had then they are not in a position to appreciate the full you. True friends accept you for what you are, not judged against some perfect ideal.
As you say, we all have **** in our past.
And present.
And more to come.
Everyone.

Facts!

 

[SigurdReginson]

Honestly, the idea of a flawless person with a flawless past would seem kind of... well, I wouldn't believe it. Who doesn't have an issue here or there, and who had no troubles in their past? I'd suspect that they were either lying, withholding information(which can be permissible at times), or they were too calculating to really live at any point, and that would probably be a red flag in itself.

As for your own issues that you're still carting around, give it time. Slowly, those shackles will loosen, and one day you'll discover they're not there anymore, and you'll wonder where it was they fell off! In the meantime, be honest. If your situation scares anyone off, that's okay. They weren't the right one.

And remember, Dr. Seuss has your back:

View attachment 46097

Hmmm... You're right, as always!

Thanks for always being so supportive! I don't know if you hear it often enough, but you're a really great person @JustGeorge.

 

[JustGeorge]

Thanks for always being so supportive! I don't know if you hear it often enough, but you're a really great person @JustGeorge.

Nah. I just play one on TV.

 

[SigurdReginson]

Everyone has there past and the right person will understand and accept this knowing they too have their past.

It really is as simple as that.

I have a tendancy to overthink things, and it's faulty to try and do the same thing in regards to people and their thoughts. Why try to read into what people may or may not be thinking too deeply? When all is said and done, I can only go off of what they say and do.

If it works out for me, great! If not, then that's ok too.

 

[SigurdReginson]

I think maybe you might be, just a little bit.. From what you write, it seems like you are geared for success, and one should hope that this builds itself more and more for you. Your past might have a few edges in it, but we have to keep in mind that there have been people that have had experiences so bad, that it had sunk their lives.. like take any of those people on the 'soft white underbelly' youtube channel.. those people tell stories about things in their past that are wholly debilitating

Hmmm... If I'm geared for success, it's only because I've taken a lot of effort to try and gear it in that way. I've gone from wasting my life away and accepting that fate to facing life balls to the wall in a matter of 7 years. Of those 7 years, I hadn't completely snapped out of it until a little over a month ago. Now very little holds me back. Let's see what happens!

I've watched videos on that channel, and I've known a few people who could probably be featured on it. I'm lucky that I haven't had anything so debilitating happen to me. Not all personal demons are created equal.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

Hmmm... If I'm geared for success, it's only because I've taken a lot of effort to try and gear it in that way. I've gone from wasting my life away and accepting that fate to facing life balls to the wall in a matter of 7 years. Of those 7 years, I hadn't completely snapped out of it until a little over a month ago. Now very little holds me back. Let's see what happens!

I've watched videos on that channel, and I've known a few people who could probably be featured on it. I'm lucky that I haven't had anything so debilitating happen to me. Not all personal demons are created equal.

And that's excellent.. I'm just saying that you know, there might be things are almost impossible to explain.. Like there's one guy on there I watched recently who explained that, he came home as a kid and found his stepfather beating his mother.. so he killed him and went jail for years, and was homeless when the interview happened.. and you can you tell his life is obliterated.. Or that guy who had half his face blown off at a bus stop. I think of stuff like that and think, I am very lucky that I don't have to explain any of that to a potential lover or whatever.. I don't know if it helps to think in that way, though it might be potentially useful, at least for me, when I feel a little sorry for myself

 

[Sunstone]

So, things are going really well for me. I think it shows, too, because I've been getting a lot of attention from women lately. I

I'm afraid those two sentences are contradictory. Either things can be going well, or you can be getting a lot of attention from women, but not both things at once.

 

[Sunstone]

I feel like even when those issues are long since healed, though, how do I tell anyone I'm with in the future about the ****ty life experiences I've had in the past? There aren't very many people who would understand those things... I can't help feeling that by divulging that information, their opinion of me would drop.

I know it is what it is, and I have to be honest with folks I get that close to. I also know that everyone struggles against their own demons, and no one lives life unscathed. I do feel like my issues make me less of a person, though, and I have a lot of room to compensate for what I lack from my faliures. Only now am I starting to live, and I do feel like my past is kind of shackled around my ankle- like I'm just forced to drag this thing around forever.

Hmmm... Or, maybe I'm just overthinking things?

You're thinking like most people do. That is, you're defining yourself in terms of your past, rather than in terms of what you have done given your past. Your call, of course, but you might want to rethink who you are --- your past? Or, what you've made of your past?

Some of the people I love and admire most in this world were forged in the flames of hell.

 

[SigurdReginson]

You're thinking like most people do. That is, you're defining yourself in terms of your past, rather than in terms of what you have done given your past. Your call, of course, but you might want to rethink who you are --- your past? Or, what you've made of your past?

Some of the people I love and admire most in this world were forged in the flames of hell.

Oh trust me, I've broken out of my past, and I'm not going back. It doesn't define me, though it has placed me where I'm at currently. That's something I can change, though.

I guess where my concern is would be in how others (especially those who's opinions I care about) might define me based on my past. I've always hidden it (much like I'm doing now in not talking about it directly, heh), and being open about it with those who matter in my life has been a new thing for me. It's getting easier, though, and I've been able to open up about it more with people.

I no longer dwell on my past so much, but it does come back to sucker punch me from time to time. I guess that's one reason why I'm still a little head shy about it.

 

[Sunstone]

I guess where my concern is would be in how others (especially those who's opinions I care about) might define me based on my past.

I see. Thanks for the clarification. A cultural trait of Americans, my friend, is to make a cult of "openness". We feel -- or at least, we sell ourselves on the idea -- that being 'open and honest' about everything is a healthy and desirable practice. I think the truth is a little more complex than that. For instance, being open and honest about some things can be hugely damaging and have dozens of negative repercussions. In short, we are BSing ourselves with our Cult of Openness.

Were I in your shoes, and had any doubts at all about the wisdom of telling this or that person about my past, I would not whisper a word of it to them.

 

[Thief]

Or, maybe I'm just overthinking things?

yep

if it has no drag on what you are now doing
don't let it drag

get a file for that item around your ankle

 

[Salty Booger]

Hmmm... Or, maybe I'm just overthinking things?

I have yet to meet a perfect person...