Bad Phone Answering Systems

[Onyx]

Post your own idea, an example to kick things off:

It's a great day at [company name here], where the foremost goal is to make our customers smile. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.

Main Menu: For sales, press one. For billing, press two. For customer service, press three.

[rings once after selection]

All customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was recieved. There are currently [robot voice] "forty-six" callers ahead of you. If you'd like to leave a callback number, please press one. Or, stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.

[pre-recorded advertisement, with musak in the background]

Did you know, that if you pay your net 30 account on time you will receive a 1% discount? It is the least we can do in exchange for your dedication to ripoffs, unwarranted insults, rude behavior, dirty deeds, borderline criminal activity, and late shipments.

[late 70's/early 80's television theme song musak]

 

[Stevicus]

I tried testing one place I called, just to see if it was really true that "calls are answered in the order they are received." I placed one call to a number, waited on hold a while, then called the same number from another phone line and waited on hold on that one, too.

The line that was answered first was the second one I used, not the first. So, they do NOT answer the calls in the order they are received.

 

[Sunstone]

"Thank you for calling 'Nature's Gift Massage Services' where we aim to provide deeply soothing and relaxing massages. All of our representatives are busy at the moment, please hold and the next available representative with be with you shortly."

[Two minutes go by]

"Stressed out by the hassles of modern living? Enjoy a premium $100 twenty-minute massage from Nature's Gift. Simply press #1 on your phone. Otherwise please continue to hold and your call will be answered by our next available representative."

[Two more minutes go by]

"Stressed out by the hassles of modern living? Enjoy a premium $100 twenty-minute massage from Nature's Gift. Simply press #1 on your phone. Otherwise please continue to hold and your call will be answered by our next available representative."

[message is repeated every two minutes thereafter for entire time you're on hold. Call is never answered unless customer agrees to a premium $100 stress-reducing massage.]

 

[Jumi]

"Thank you for calling the heavenly administration office. Calls cost 100 soul points per call and 50 per minute. You currently have 482 points left."

 

[Shadow Wolf]

You've reached [me], case manager who does so much crap I probably handle your crap. First, if this is an emergency, WTF? Why are you calling me? I can't do **** for that. Hang up, and call that 3-digit number that's been drilled into your head since you've been a child. If you're thinking about blowing your brains out, remember, I need billable hours with you so I can keep having a job so instead of slitting your wrists call the suicide prevention number. Or drink your poison. It's your choice. If none of that applies to you, you may proceed to level 2 and leave me a message. Don't expect a timely or prompt return."

 

[Revoltingest]

"You've reached the number you dialed.
At the sound of the beep, please hang up."

 

[sun rise]

"You've reached the number you dialed.
At the sound of the beep, please hang up."

Yes it's a PETA ad, but this thread caused me to look for my all time favorite phone operator and found this call she answered.