Arranged Marriages

[Maija]

Believe it or not I see my self as in your camp.

if i had the same religion as my parents, i would love an arranged. i had a love marriage, bless my husband, Krishna willing, we will be togther for a long time- its not easy when you have chemistry but are so conpletely diferent on everything else. marriage is a big thing,i understand ppl wanting all the help they can get

 

[Wannabe Yogi]

if i had the same religion as my parents, i would love an arranged. i had a love marriage, bless my husband, Krishna willing, we will be togther for a long time- its not easy when you have chemistry but are so conpletely diferent on everything else. marriage is a big thing,i understand ppl wanting all the help they can get

My marriage came to an end just over a year and 1/2 ago. Caught her with a friend. I married her against the advice of my Guru. I was told you might fool your self into believeing it will work over the years but there will be a great karmic price it wont work in the long run. Funny thing In hind sight she was worried about my wife and not me.

Now I Can't say I blame her. My son and I are very Hindu. He is 14 and chants the Rudrashtadhyayi from the Shukla Yajur Veda every day. (With worship it takes him an hour and 1/2 very hard to chant Vedic Sanskrit I would not even try. Classical is much easier) She said she did not fit in to the family. We had lots of chemisty and love at the begianing. It was hard for her to live with us. For me the pain was so great. I was so worried about my son coming from a broken home. He seems fine now. He says she is a much better mother now she does not live with us. She can drink eat meat and have fun. (Not that I tried to stop her fun. I did not. She just felt like the odd man out ) We had all the problems every one had. It was the different wants in life that made things so hard for Her. I was unable to compramise enough to make her happy. Even though she was the bad guy to the world. It is more my fault I was the only one who knew better.

 

[Vinayaka]

Sorry to hear that. I just feel lucky. Our Guru suggested we get married. But He also made the same suggestion to a few others I know whose marriages ended in divorce. Some were strangers to each other though whereas we weren't.

So have you written yourself a decent advertisement, or would you, if there would be considerations of a 'next' time?

 

[Satyamavejayanti]

Figures. But that matters not to me, nor to you, I suspect. I'm not all that extreme. No saffron terrorism here. But I don't like really watered down stuff either. Not because I'm intolerant, but because I have an aversion to witnessing confusion in people. It's sad, like war is sad.

Speaking of saffron terrorism...

I don't think that the Hindu marriages can be called arranged, the one we have today is somewhat introductory system that leads to marriage, arranged is the practice to get children as young as 8 married without their consent, which is not in traditional Hinduism but is a cultural transfer from the Mogul times.

But traditionally (this is the Saffron terrorism part), Marriages were like a competition of the male to win the approval of the female, it was the brides choice not the grooms. The brides father only organised the event, and probably did not have a say in the choice that the bride will make, but there were advises who advised the bride of the best groom. This is more the traditional Hindu introductory system.

Swayamvara - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Wannabe Yogi]

Sorry to hear that. I just feel lucky. Our Guru suggested we get married. But He also made the same suggestion to a few others I know whose marriages ended in divorce. Some were strangers to each other though whereas we weren't.

So have you written yourself a decent advertisement, or would you, if there would be considerations of a 'next' time?

I hope not. Not because I am against marriage, in fact I love being married. I am 53 years old. It is time for me to enter Vanaprastha at that age I can't see starting off all over again. Also since I am a single dad my first responsibility is to my son. Three years until he goes to collage. He gets great grades, and he is in the International Baccalaureate program. My life in the world is organized around him doing well at school. So it would not be fair to a woman to start a relationship with me at this time in my life.

 

[bp789]

I'm fine with arranged marriages for those that want one, as long as both parties are happy. Personally, I don't think that I'll get an arranged marriage, although it seems that the process of arranged marriage has changed throughout the generations.

My grandparents had the apparently "Mughal style" arranged marriage. My grandpa and his first wife were both teenagers when they got married, and the parents just got them married. When his first wife passed away, my grandpa married again to his second wife, my grandma. My grandma was a teenager when she got married, while my grandpa was.....older by that time.

My parents didn't have that type of arranged marriage. They were both in their 20s when they got married. Their process was basically their parents choosing suitors, then visiting the house of the girl and see what the family was like. If they liked each other, then they got engaged. From the engagement to the marriage, my parents kept in contact by writing letters to each other.

With me and my siblings and cousins, it's different because we live in the US and not a village in India. Some of the cousins that got arranged marriage did it through a similar process as my parents went through, except they didn't have to decide whether they wanted to marry just then. They "dated" for a while until they got married. Other cousins, they just dated in college and found someone that suited them. So in my family (the American-born at least), things have changed throughout the generation.

Among the Indian youth I know, most of the parents are fine with their children dating. There might be some Indian parents against it, but I'm not aware of any. The only person I know whose parents are against dating is this one Pakistani Muslim girl, but even then she still is able to meet the suitors and give her consent to whether she wants to marry or not. I'm still too young to worry about marriage, but who knows what will happen.

he is in the International Baccalaureate program

I actually did that same program for my last two years of high school. There were too many essays haha, although it did prepare me for college so

 

[Maija]

My marriage came to an end just over a year and 1/2 ago. Caught her with a friend. I married her against the advice of my Guru. I was told you might fool your self into believeing it will work over the years but there will be a great karmic price it wont work in the long run. Funny thing In hind sight she was worried about my wife and not me.

Now I Can't say I blame her. My son and I are very Hindu. He is 14 and chants the Rudrashtadhyayi from the Shukla Yajur Veda every day. (With worship it takes him an hour and 1/2 very hard to chant Vedic Sanskrit I would not even try. Classical is much easier) She said she did not fit in to the family. We had lots of chemisty and love at the begianing. It was hard for her to live with us. For me the pain was so great. I was so worried about my son coming from a broken home. He seems fine now. He says she is a much better mother now she does not live with us. She can drink eat meat and have fun. (Not that I tried to stop her fun. I did not. She just felt like the odd man out ) We had all the problems every one had. It was the different wants in life that made things so hard for Her. I was unable to compramise enough to make her happy. Even though she was the bad guy to the world. It is more my fault I was the only one who knew better.

Your son is VERY impressive. I hope he keeps this routine of worship- to go off subject, did he initiate this himself or did you lightly encourage him?

As per my husband and myself, though there are many differences between us, he has always known me as a spiritual nomad. First, as a muslim wearing hijab, then as a Baha'i- he knew what he was getting into !

Though I pray he finds his path in this world and we can journey spiritually somehow together. And if it doesn't then this journey ends up being me solo, then it was meant to be and I shall not let it tamper with me and my connection to the Divine.

I am sorry for how it ended but I am happy that you are in a good place now.

 

[Me Myself]

I am neither for nor against arranged marriage. I think it is a good option for those who haven't found love and are ready to settle down.
The only time I would be against it is if a person is being forced into a marriage.

I am with that.

I also cannot at all say how often they might be forced. My guess (notice that when I say guess, i am aware I am throwing dice ) is that there is more prevalence in the forcing, which comes down a lot as in STRONG peer pressure, coupled with STRONG pressure from society. This cases sound very gray to me. Legaly they shouldnt be bound to pay attention to anyone according to who they want to marry. The social reality though, is that many parents believe strongly on these (not talking statistically now, so even if it were just a thousand it would be "many" ) and enforce it strongly with their powerful characters.

This of course doesnt mean the arranged marriage in itself is wrong, just that I can see how a culture can make it hell. Then again, what cant a culture make hell? :cover:

 

[Vinayaka]

I am 53 years old.

For some reason I assumed you were younger. Bad assumption. But pretty normal from this end.

 

[Wannabe Yogi]

Your son is VERY impressive. I hope he keeps this routine of worship- to go off subject, did he initiate this himself or did you lightly encourage him?

When he was young He was told to do one round of japa a day while sitting in the lotus posture. He went to the Ramakrishna mission for sunday school classes. The sannyasini's (Female swamis) who ran the program were just sure he would renounce the world. Then in middle school he became an Atheist. So I told him to stop all his practice because he no longer believed in it. Up to that point I didn't tell anybody about his beliefs. I would let him do it. His mom was happy about it because she feared he would become a Swami. He still had to come with me to the Devi Temple. I did work there so I did not feel comfortable leaving him home alone. Then His Guru at the Devi Temple asked him why was he an Atheist. Nobody had told her. He became freaked out and his beliefs changed over night. He now does sadhana on his own without any suggestions from me. It is all up to him. I place my expectations on his school work.

 

[Rational_Mind]

From a scientific perspective. I have heard of numerous studies that are pretty much on consensus that arranged marriages work out better.

“And there’s even a study published in India [Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh of the University of Rajasthan, 1982] but using an American love scale, called the Rubin Love Scale, that compared love in love marriages in India, because they have those, too, to love in arranged marriages. And in this particular study, love in the love marriages starts out very high. And then over time it decreases. That’s what all of our studies show. And in the arranged marriages—and this is true in my work, too—we see the love starting out relatively low. Because in some cases the people barely know each other, sometimes they’ve had a half an hour of contact in total before they got married. And then it increases gradually, surpasses the love in the love marriages at about five years. And 10 years out it’s twice as strong.”

Arranged Marriages Can Be Real Love Connection: Scientific American Podcast

 

[Me Myself]

From a scientific perspective. I have heard of numerous studies that are pretty much on consensus that arranged marriages work out better.



Arranged Marriages Can Be Real Love Connection: Scientific American Podcast

I can honestly imagine why.

People are so often quick on assigning blame to the partner and then thinking one chose the wrong one. In an arranged situation, both assume it as a "business" of social and afective profit. Both will work their best to be good alliance for their partners. Both were chosen given practicality (which includes outlooks in life, interests, ambitions, etc) and the emotion part they trusted will come well with time if both worked at it.

They were, of course, right. Over time, you grow more attached and affectuous to the people you see everyday. Add it deliberare cnarruction of care and viola!.

 

[Vinayaka]

I do believe things are afoot on this regard. Some people are coming to their senses. The other area where things are afoot is in regard to extravagance. There is also a trend to smaller weddings. Like $20 000 is a lot of dough for a marriage that lasts 3 years.

 

[Fireside_Hindu]

I don't think the manner in which one is married is as important as the willingness of both people involved to work together to compromise and respect each other. Also, it seems that an "arranged marriage" isn't what most westerners have been raised to believe it is. There is more choice for the couple involved then many people realize.

My marriage is a "love marriage", however the comments people have made about the process involved in finding the right person in an arranged marriage reminds me a little of what my husband and I did leading up to our marriage.

Forgive me for digressing a bit, but it is related I promise:

My husband is Catholic so we were required to do Catholic marriage counseling in order to be married in the church (Something important to my husband). Rather then being a terrible, impersonal experience I actually think it was one of the best things we did for our marriage. As part of it, you take a very long test, answering several hundred questions, all related to different aspects of your relationship and you do it separately. It forces you to think of the bigger picture and consider the real "nuts and bolts" of a marriage rather then just falling head over heals and sealing the deal. You also do a weekend retreat with other couples hoping to get married and you participate in several activities to help you understand who your partner is and what you both actually need out of a marriage.

Some would call arranged marriages artificial, but I say, if the process is entered into by two consenting adults, and they both "do their homework" that's the best thing you can do if you want to make it work.

Fully disclosure - we've only been married for a year and a half, so take my advice with a grain of salt

 

[Vinayaka]

I like the Catholic test thing. It makes so much sense.... unless

But now I'm wondering if they purposely leave things out ... according to Catholic tradition ... any questions on birth control, for example? I would think that might be an area that should be discussed beforehand.

 

[Fireside_Hindu]

I like the Catholic test thing. It makes so much sense.... unless

But now I'm wondering if they purposely leave things out ... according to Catholic tradition ... any questions on birth control, for example? I would think that might be an area that should be discussed beforehand.

I'm sure the test varies slightly from parish to parish, but for us there was an entire section on sexuality and physical intimacy. While I don't recall any questions about birth control specifically, there were many questions about whether you and your partner had discussed whether/when to have children.

At the weekend retreat there were of course notable topics that ruffled my feathers (Discussion of the inherent sin in homosexual relationships) But, I was able to take away what was useful and leave what wasn't, and we had many opportunities to discuss with each what we thought of the whole experience. A revealing excercise in and of itself.

Also, I'd like to add, that the difference between a spur of the moment "love marriage" or infatuation and an arranged marriage that's carefully thought out is that there is an element of "We have to work to make this work."

My husband and I lived 5 hours apart for the entire duration of our...courtship? dating?

We had to drive long hours, squeeze in time, and spend a LOT of time communicating. We couldn't just be together whenever we wanted. I think this actually will help us in the long run. We had to work at it and from what I've been told, marriage is a lot of work, especially once the "honeymoon phase" is over.

So maybe it's not "love marriage" vs. "arranged marriage" but "work" vs. "relying on what makes us comfortable".

 

[Vinayaka]

Its definitely a lot of work. I think you need to make time for romance. I used to say, "it's not who you marry, but when you marry." Not so sure on that one any more, but it certainly helps to be mature. (We're at 37, almost 38, BTW.)