Are You Being Abused? Do You Know Someone Who Is?

[Sunstone]

Because of some articles I wrote years ago, I now and then get emails from people seeking advice on how to help someone -- either themselves or someone else -- who is in a relationship with an abusive partner or spouse.

I always encourage such people to get professional counseling from a therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, social worker, or other professional, since those professionals can provide much more help than I can.

But I usually try to address any questions they ask of me, too. Recently, a person I'll call, "Ted", wrote to me asking for advice on how to help a friend of his who is in an abusive relationship with her partner. Even before I had a chance to notice his first email, he had sent several others, all politely asking for advice. Given that he seemed so committed to helping his friend, I wrote back to him at unusually great length and in some detail.

At any rate, I also passed the email on to a friend of mine for a second opinion of the advice I offered Ted. My friend has encouraged me to make the email available to anyone who might be interested in it.

So, the email is addressed to Ted, who wanted specific advice on how to help a friend of his; a woman who grew up fatherless, who has turned to him for help, and who is currently in an abusive relationship.

The email is quite long and touches on such subjects as the eight signs of partner abuse, the overall pattern of abuse (abusers tend to follow a pattern of behavior), the role oxytocin plays in abusive relationships, and 14 things Ted might want to keep in mind when trying to help his friend.

If you happen to be interested in reading the email, please PM me with your email address and I will send you a copy.

I wish to make clear, however, that I am not a professional counselor and that the email is not comprehensive advice and should not be taken in any way as a substitute for seeking the help of professionals. If you or someone you know is being abused, the email might or might not be of help, but it is by no means the only help you should seek.

 

[Reverend Rick]

Phil, sometimes people don't have the money for a 50 minute session and their insurance will not cover it.

Anyone who is in this situation should contact a local battered womens shelter for help.

 

[Sunstone]

Phil, sometimes people don't have the money for a 50 minute session and their insurance will not cover it.

Anyone who is in this situation should contact a local battered womens shelter for help.

That's an excellent suggestion, Rick! There are also in many communities professionals such as therapists, social workers, and even psychiatrists who will sometimes volunteer to do a bit of free pro bono counseling. You can often be put in touch with them through a community health center.

 

[Karl R]

I'm not sure whether you cover these points in your email, but here are a few pieces of advice which are less well known.

Document the abuse
The victim should start a journal, or a diary, or some kind of list where she/he keeps track of each episode of abuse. Note the date, the approximate time, and what happened. If the victim ever needs to get a restraining order, this kind of detailed documentation will help considerably. In addition, this journal can help strengthen the victim's resolve to leave, as they're confronted with the frequency and details of the abuse.

Pack a getaway bag
Victims sometimes have to flee with nothing but the clothes on their back. Getting away (on short notice) becomes a lot easier if the victim has a few changes of clothes, some toiletries and a few other necessities packed away. This bag should not be stored at the home that the victim and abuser share. Instead, it should be stored at the home of a sympathetic friend/relative, or somewhere else that the victim can access without having to confront the abuser. This kind of bag can even save a victim's life, as it allows them to slip away during a few minutes when the abuser's back is turned without having to stop to grab anything.

Build some independent finances
A lot of abusers will try to use money to control their victims. By controlling the purse strings, they try to ensure that the victim is dependent upon them to eat or keep a roof over her/his head. In order to get around this, the victim needs to stock away some money that they abuser doesn't know about and can't touch. This money can help with anything from short-term living expenses to legal expenses. At the very least, it gives the victim a few days of financial independence so they can plan their next step.



A little background
All of these were mentioned during a domestic violence conference held by the family law section of a law school. I was dating a woman who was considering getting into family law, so we attended in order to see the worst side of family law. While a lot of advice to victims is just common sense, these pieces of advice were all surprises to me, which is why I included them here.

A lot of the lawyers who represent the victims of domestic violence have personal experience with domestic violence. They were victims of an abusive parent/sibling/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. The advice they can offer goes beyond legal advice.

 

[Alceste]

Thank heavens, I've never been abused. I have helped a friend in an abusive relationship move out, though. That decision was preceded by many lengthy conversations at the gym where she told me the details of the abuse and I listened and subtly encouraged her to leave him. She is no dunce, and made that decision for herself and her daughter after the very first time the abuse turned physical.

The only thing I would add to the discussion is that we should all maintain and nurture our friendships with people we know can and will listen to our troubles and help us in time of need. Maintaining those allies might save the hassle and stigma of dealing with social services, psychiatrists and shelters.

 

[Sunstone]

I'm not sure whether you cover these points in your email, but here are a few pieces of advice which are less well known.

Document the abuse
The victim should start a journal, or a diary, or some kind of list where she/he keeps track of each episode of abuse. Note the date, the approximate time, and what happened. If the victim ever needs to get a restraining order, this kind of detailed documentation will help considerably. In addition, this journal can help strengthen the victim's resolve to leave, as they're confronted with the frequency and details of the abuse.

Pack a getaway bag
Victims sometimes have to flee with nothing but the clothes on their back. Getting away (on short notice) becomes a lot easier if the victim has a few changes of clothes, some toiletries and a few other necessities packed away. This bag should not be stored at the home that the victim and abuser share. Instead, it should be stored at the home of a sympathetic friend/relative, or somewhere else that the victim can access without having to confront the abuser. This kind of bag can even save a victim's life, as it allows them to slip away during a few minutes when the abuser's back is turned without having to stop to grab anything.

Build some independent finances
A lot of abusers will try to use money to control their victims. By controlling the purse strings, they try to ensure that the victim is dependent upon them to eat or keep a roof over her/his head. In order to get around this, the victim needs to stock away some money that they abuser doesn't know about and can't touch. This money can help with anything from short-term living expenses to legal expenses. At the very least, it gives the victim a few days of financial independence so they can plan their next step.



A little background
All of these were mentioned during a domestic violence conference held by the family law section of a law school. I was dating a woman who was considering getting into family law, so we attended in order to see the worst side of family law. While a lot of advice to victims is just common sense, these pieces of advice were all surprises to me, which is why I included them here.

A lot of the lawyers who represent the victims of domestic violence have personal experience with domestic violence. They were victims of an abusive parent/sibling/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. The advice they can offer goes beyond legal advice.

Excellent, Karl! I'll pass your words on tonight to the person who wrote me. Thank you so much!

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Oh, don't get me started on abusive relationships. That's just normal in my life. Lol. I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I think they're a myth.

 

[JustWondering2]

I was abused as a child until I grew up to be bigger and stronger than my mother. After that the physical stuff stopped but the emotional stuff continued, until she lost her mind due too dementia. Seeing a therapist in those days just didn't happen in my social circle. Besides my mom would have kicked there *** if they disagreed with her or how she raised her kids!!!!

 

[phenom888x]

my dad used to whip my *** pretty good and treat my mother like ****.. if anyone needs any suggestions feel free to contact me

 

[Ellen Brown]

Because of some articles I wrote years ago, I now and then get emails from people seeking advice on how to help someone -- either themselves or someone else -- who is in a relationship with an abusive partner or spouse.

I always encourage such people to get professional counseling from a therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, social worker, or other professional, since those professionals can provide much more help than I can.

But I usually try to address any questions they ask of me, too. Recently, a person I'll call, "Ted", wrote to me asking for advice on how to help a friend of his who is in an abusive relationship with her partner. Even before I had a chance to notice his first email, he had sent several others, all politely asking for advice. Given that he seemed so committed to helping his friend, I wrote back to him at unusually great length and in some detail.

At any rate, I also passed the email on to a friend of mine for a second opinion of the advice I offered Ted. My friend has encouraged me to make the email available to anyone who might be interested in it.

So, the email is addressed to Ted, who wanted specific advice on how to help a friend of his; a woman who grew up fatherless, who has turned to him for help, and who is currently in an abusive relationship.

The email is quite long and touches on such subjects as the eight signs of partner abuse, the overall pattern of abuse (abusers tend to follow a pattern of behavior), the role oxytocin plays in abusive relationships, and 14 things Ted might want to keep in mind when trying to help his friend.

If you happen to be interested in reading the email, please PM me with your email address and I will send you a copy.

I wish to make clear, however, that I am not a professional counselor and that the email is not comprehensive advice and should not be taken in any way as a substitute for seeking the help of professionals. If you or someone you know is being abused, the email might or might not be of help, but it is by no means the only help you should seek.

Wow, I do know someone who separated from their mate because of his abuse. I've stayed out of it because they are both so messed up that I would not know where to begin. I can see all sorts of issues, but I doubt that either of them would be willing to accept any responsibility. She what a rotten counselor I would make?