Today, we interview Mr. Spinkles, who is world renown as an imposing champion of first class rutabaga hurling. But more than his impressive life accomplishments, Mr. Spinkles is a true Homo sapiens, a genuine hominid, a wonderfully authentic primate. Which is, of course, why we won't be mentioning in this interview The Scandal. No, we believe Mr. Spinkles has a right to privacy regarding The Scandal he was recently the intense focus of, and we also believe that any mention of The Shameless Spinkles Scandal would be merely gratuitous on our part. So, we're not going to mention it. At all. Not a word about it. Having said that, let's ask Mr. Scandal -- umm, Mr Spinkles -- our first question:
Could you refresh our memory, Mr. Spinkles? Which university are you currently attending and why does the Dean of Students so often stutter uncontrollably when mentioning your name in public?
Do you consider yourself opposed to capital punishment?
Are you still majoring in physics?
What area of your major most excites you these days and why?
Rutabagas -- the gift to mankind of an inspired deity, or a despised object to be thrown as far as possible?
What's your minor and what do you best like about it?
What are your career plans? What will you be doing in five or so years?
Does your mother fully support your life ambition to dance a convincing interpretation of a wholly soulful cauliflower before a packed audience at Carnegie Hall?
How's Abby doing?
Why have you utterly failed in your life to take up drugs, drop out of college, and sleep under viaducts? Is it because you're not man enough?
What do you think of waterboarding? Is it torture? Should the US be practicing it?
How would you describe your accommodations at the university? In what kind of place do you live and how is it decorated?
Where on campus do you most like to spend your time? Why?
Which three RFers would you find most interesting to leisurely dine with?
What kind of restaurant would you prefer to dine with them at?
In your whole life, what was the worse advice you ever received regarding sex?
If you had a younger friend come to you for advice on sex, what two things would you most want to impress upon them?
How come the arrow of time cannot be reversed? Parking tickets can be reversed -- why not the arrow of time?
Can a French chipmunk and a Spanish squirrel ever crave true happiness together, or is it more likely they would just be thrown together in a storm?
Why aren't you a Bulgarian? Is it because, as many suspect, you have a deep set irrational phobia of Bulgarians that you have here-to-for been unwilling to confess?
Do you feel a greater personal affinity for methodological naturalism, ontological naturalism, or nudism?
If Karl Marx had truly understood Charles Darwin, would Marx have preferred zippers or buttons on his trousers?
Should the US get out of Iraq? Why or why not?
What are two of your three most important life accomplishments to date?
Why do you date your life accomplishments? Are you expecting to marry them?
What's one advantage and one disadvantage of a global economy?
Long term, are you optimistic or pessimistic about the future of humanity and why do your thoughts about that have nothing at all to do with Britney Spears shaving her head, as one might otherwise suspect?
Do you consider yourself family oriented?
Do you have a cell phone, a laptop, and an iPod?
What do you use to take class notes?
Your favorite form of recreation?
Which three songs are most essential to life?
When did you first become aware of the fact you had no hidden desire to cackle at passing ducks? Did that awareness, when it came to you, make you feel alone in all the world?
What's your favorite holiday -- and why is it your favorite?
Do you still celebrate your birthday by dancing a vigorous naked polka on top of your father's car or have you given up that adolescent craving?
Is life essentially fair to crayfish?
Could you refresh our memory, Mr. Spinkles? Which university are you currently attending and why does the Dean of Students so often stutter uncontrollably when mentioning your name in public?
Do you consider yourself opposed to capital punishment?
Are you still majoring in physics?
What area of your major most excites you these days and why?
Rutabagas -- the gift to mankind of an inspired deity, or a despised object to be thrown as far as possible?
What's your minor and what do you best like about it?
What are your career plans? What will you be doing in five or so years?
Does your mother fully support your life ambition to dance a convincing interpretation of a wholly soulful cauliflower before a packed audience at Carnegie Hall?
How's Abby doing?
Why have you utterly failed in your life to take up drugs, drop out of college, and sleep under viaducts? Is it because you're not man enough?
What do you think of waterboarding? Is it torture? Should the US be practicing it?
How would you describe your accommodations at the university? In what kind of place do you live and how is it decorated?
Where on campus do you most like to spend your time? Why?
Which three RFers would you find most interesting to leisurely dine with?
What kind of restaurant would you prefer to dine with them at?
In your whole life, what was the worse advice you ever received regarding sex?
If you had a younger friend come to you for advice on sex, what two things would you most want to impress upon them?
How come the arrow of time cannot be reversed? Parking tickets can be reversed -- why not the arrow of time?
Can a French chipmunk and a Spanish squirrel ever crave true happiness together, or is it more likely they would just be thrown together in a storm?
Why aren't you a Bulgarian? Is it because, as many suspect, you have a deep set irrational phobia of Bulgarians that you have here-to-for been unwilling to confess?
Do you feel a greater personal affinity for methodological naturalism, ontological naturalism, or nudism?
If Karl Marx had truly understood Charles Darwin, would Marx have preferred zippers or buttons on his trousers?
Should the US get out of Iraq? Why or why not?
What are two of your three most important life accomplishments to date?
Why do you date your life accomplishments? Are you expecting to marry them?
What's one advantage and one disadvantage of a global economy?
Long term, are you optimistic or pessimistic about the future of humanity and why do your thoughts about that have nothing at all to do with Britney Spears shaving her head, as one might otherwise suspect?
Do you consider yourself family oriented?
Do you have a cell phone, a laptop, and an iPod?
What do you use to take class notes?
Your favorite form of recreation?
Which three songs are most essential to life?
When did you first become aware of the fact you had no hidden desire to cackle at passing ducks? Did that awareness, when it came to you, make you feel alone in all the world?
What's your favorite holiday -- and why is it your favorite?
Do you still celebrate your birthday by dancing a vigorous naked polka on top of your father's car or have you given up that adolescent craving?
Is life essentially fair to crayfish?