I'm absolutely astonished that you appear to know nothing -- nothing at all -- of the five winsome women who are madly in love with you! I thought until now that everyone, including you, has seen the billboards they've been putting up all over America declaring their undying devotion to "That Zany Egyptian Prince of the Dunes, Badran the Ninja". Could that be someone other than you? For your information, the women have been listing themselves as:
1) Florence "Flo" Gallstones, a sightless grandmother of 20 and great-grandmother of 5.
2) Terry "Little Stuff" Packhouser, a midget wrestler from Tijuana, Mexico.
3) "Princess Sparkling Pony", a precocious six year old aspiring child actress from California.
4) Sister Amy -- an Evangelical preacher from Alabama.
5) Wanda Twinnose, the last surviving inmate of a famous Hawaiian leper colony.
So, you see, there is absolutely no reason for your depression, old friend! Those women are madly in love with you. Madly, I say!