Lately I've felt a clawing at myself, like something is calling back to me. Perhaps this is easier, because it can be framed in the context of the culture I live in. Perhaps I've just reached a tipping point and am retreating into the familiar. I just know that, I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable. Almost like I wore a mask, a facade for my own protection and I started to believe that mask. It is a lot easier to hide behind a near equivalent that is seen as acceptable due to general ignorance, than it is to stand in the clear and open as what you really are that is feared. And then, another part thought that these older texts (LHP Tantric) might provide a more mature and better understood description of the same idea, the same path (LHP). I find this is essentially true, but it's buried in a context and history that is less accessible to someone like me who hasn't lived in that culture.
I've contemplated what kind of ritual or magical act might help me figure out how to go about it, but time and time again I come short on what would actually be the best way to do this, and so I never follow through. I feel like, over time, since I haven't used those muscles so to speak, that they shrank and I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Almost as if I must start over again from scratch. And it doesn't help that I've become more skeptical over time.
I've always maintained that I'm a Satanist, but I feel like I've really under-utilized that side of me for a long time, perhaps in part because I needed to mature some before coming back to it, and perhaps I'm now ready to go further than I have in the past.
I'm rusty AF. And I just more readily feel it in the context of Satanism and magic, I've practiced meditating and self-hypnosis and been trying to get to altered states through that to prepare myself, but it's harder this time around.
Anyways, anyone got any practical advice?
I've contemplated what kind of ritual or magical act might help me figure out how to go about it, but time and time again I come short on what would actually be the best way to do this, and so I never follow through. I feel like, over time, since I haven't used those muscles so to speak, that they shrank and I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Almost as if I must start over again from scratch. And it doesn't help that I've become more skeptical over time.
I've always maintained that I'm a Satanist, but I feel like I've really under-utilized that side of me for a long time, perhaps in part because I needed to mature some before coming back to it, and perhaps I'm now ready to go further than I have in the past.
I'm rusty AF. And I just more readily feel it in the context of Satanism and magic, I've practiced meditating and self-hypnosis and been trying to get to altered states through that to prepare myself, but it's harder this time around.
Anyways, anyone got any practical advice?