Zephyr's crazy psycho ramblings journal thread.

[Zephyr]

At the request of Morse in this thread.

Preface: in case you didn't know, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia a good while back. It was really stressing me out, so a counselor recommended I keep a journal of all my thoughts relating directly to the (mostly audio, occasional visual) hallucinations. Of course I was lazy and didn't do it everyday, and I don't think it helped at all.

Anyways, here's a segment stretching from early September to the beginning of October. I chose this particular segment because it really shows a "transition" between hearing non-specific "screams" (imagine metal scraping on metal while a plane flies low overhead) to a clear female voice. There's A LOT more in here, but most of it is pretty boring. This is probably the juiciest bit. I've taken effort to preserve the lack of capitalization, spelling errors, and incomplete sentences, except in my September. Anything in bold has been added just now as commentary about what I can remember going on back then.

10.9.09
kranky. got a headache. more screamng last night (Note: a few days before this I was unable to sleep thanks to a loud screaming whenever I got close to unconsciousness, leading to starting this journal). no idea why. doesnt sound anything. just loud. took ativan, maybe I can sleep.

13.9.09
understood something finally. mastering a recording and heard a long string of numbers. kind of weird, cant remember exactly what. sounded kinda like a robot. sleeping now at least.

17.9.09
(Note: this was actually written in German for some reason, which is weird because even though I was taking German at the time, I usually stick to English outside of classwork. Also, this is the first instance of mentioning "Kat", who I guess I named.)
Kat came again. She always comes at bad times. We were with friends last night. She came and I answered. I don't know. I'm an idiot. Joe noticed, I think. Maybe you know? What do we want? I sleep now.

29.9.09
todays ****** up. woke up and it wasnt me in the mirror. think it was her. im ******. i am me, not we not we. couldnt focus in class, kept thinking about morning. **** the golgi apparatus anyways. **** it in its glorious golden *** (???). cant tell anyone not now. (a lot of stuff that I can't even read. All the words seem to overlap eachother)

2.10.09
too much dont even know what any am I 2 (Note: I think that's a 2 anyways. I was obviously extremely stressed here and most of it is illegible.). why i (illegible scribblings) kat kat no (more scribbles) **** done

3.10.09
dont know what was up with that. disregard yesterday I suck cocks. she is following me though, wont shut up about some guy she met at the rec today. I havent even been there in weeks. kinda irrittating creepy stalker. (Don't really remember these last two, but they're here anyways.)

This isn't all of them, but the rest is actually pretty boring. Stuff about telling "Kat" to shut up, a slight freakout when I accidentally introduce myself to a new teacher by the wrong name, and a ton of F-bombs. I also have some doodles in the margins, but I am no artist. Honestly, it was hard enough to read what I already typed out, so I think I'm done for now. Enjoy.

 

[whereismynotecard]

Awesome. :danana:

 

[Zephyr]

So I should probably relate this to how I am now. "Kat" is still very much there, but is usually ignorable. I might get a quick observation or statement here and there, but I like to pretend those don't happen. I also don't ever really feel "alone". It's almost like there's always another person sitting nearby, but I don't mind it personally. It makes...personal time kind of awkward, but it's nice being able to avoid loneliness even when you are technically alone. The hallucinations seem to get much worse when I'm having panic attacks, but at least I haven't had the same problem I had written about in the last few entries shown.

Also, if anybody has any questions about anything, feel free to ask. I'm pretty comfortable talking about most things. After all, this is just internets, not like it's real life or anything, so ask away.

 

[Morse]

This is fascinating! Do you know what causes schizophrenia?

 

[Zephyr]

This is fascinating! Do you know what causes schizophrenia?

There's tons of factors that could influence it, but nobody knows exactly what causes it.

 

[Morse]

I'm developing a theory. Every once in a while, I will see something that just feels like it is relevant. And thus, I investigate it. That is why I asked you this question.

Thank you, this has helped a lot.

 

[Zephyr]

I'm developing a theory. Every once in a while, I will see something that just feels like it is relevant. And thus, I investigate it. That is why I asked you this question.

Thank you, this has helped a lot.

Well if you want to try and understand it, here's a start.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_schizophrenia

Feeling is a terrible way to try and understand a medical issue.

 

[Morse]

Well if you want to try and understand it, here's a start.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_schizophrenia

Feeling is a terrible way to try and understand a medical issue.

Not what I meant at all. the Intuitive process is one of several things that tells me what to research, not how to understand it. With my schedule and the vast amount of information I still need to cover and learn, I really haven't been able to devise a methodical way to search. As such I just dink around on RF and when I see another connection I follow it.

As well, it wasn't schizophrenia specifically that relates, but regardless, that article helps.