What to do if....

[etana4310]

I am in the process of looking for a Rabbi to study with. I feel a call to Judaism, not simply the religious observances, but the culture - the people - the Covenant.

Now, what if a Rabbi will not accept me, especially given my very difficult situation; i.e. husband who is Catholic who may or may not convert (will be dropping this bombshell on him within the next couple of days) and six children; the oldest is 14 the youngest is 2.5, all of whom from the moment of their birth have been ingrained in Catholicism. It's all they know. It's their world. They go to Catholic school, taught by nuns, etc.

If a Rabbi or two or three turns me away then what shall I do? Where do I go then with such a broken spirit for I know now I cannot go back to Catholicism and yet I cannot "convert" to Protestantism (worlds apart from Catholicism). This would disrupt the unity of the family, which is NOW why I understand the need for the WHOLE family to convert to Judaism. If I should be turned away - then I just belong nowhere?

I know I am putting the horse before the cart and I should leave all this in G-d's hands, but I wonder if anyone has been turned away or could offer advice?

 

[Rakhel]

Ok the older kids, I would not talk to until after you and your husband talk. Then bring it up to the ones that would understand. Ask them how they feel about it and if they think they can make this journey with you. As for the younger ones,and not such a bad idea for the older ones and the husband, start slow. Make a game of it.
Passover has the Chametz game. (Chametz being anything that can be made into bread. Oats, wheat, barley, rye and a few others) Dad has the search the house for that last bit of chametz and has to remove it with a feather and a piece of paper.
Little stuff like that.

 

[Dena]

If you really believe God called you to be a Jew then I would think He would put you into a position where it would be possible. So I would say be patient.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

I believe that any Rabbi worthy of the name would strongly encourage you to commit an extended period of time carefully considering your trajectory and its consequences.

 

[Rhiamom]

If your husband converted to Catholicism because of you, it might be that he really doesn't care that much about religion and he may be willing to convert to Judaism with you. The sooner you talk the better!

 

[Zardoz]

^ This. You must talk with your spouse, and I feel for you, there's Catholics in my family (from Argentina after all)

 

[etana4310]

I spoke with him last evening at great length. He is willing to go with me to speak with the Rabbi (if I can get him to call me back - two attempts and it's not looking good ) Anyway, he seems very open to learning and being with me through the process.

Again, his BIG concern is that our children's WHOLE identity is in their Catholicism and he wonders what it would do to their psyche if we changed all they have ever known.

And I must admit, it's my concern as well - it will be no issue for the 6, 5 and 3 year old but for the 9, 10 and 14 - it will be more of a struggle for them. They won't understand. My parents left Catholicism - all I ever knew and loved when I was 12 to Protestantism - a very rigid form of Protestantism and while I smoothly transitioned over as I got older I became more and more resentful of them for it - basically for not allowing ME to decide for myself. That's why I returned to Catholicism when I was 20.

At any rate - he's open and will come with me to learn along side of me.....IF I can find a Rabbi. I won't give up!!!!

 

[Dena]

I would go very very slowly for the children. You are right, it's going to change their life.

 

[Zardoz]

Don't give up, Rabbis are notoriously busy busy busy and that's why my Reform Rabbi relies so much on our Outreach committee in cases such as yours.

Don't be too worried about the transition, as someone fluently familiar with both Judaism and Catholicism, having family in both, you'd be surprised how similar the two are at least socially (but not theologically)

Oh, BTW... love your new avatar...

 

[etana4310]

that's why my Reform Rabbi relies so much on our Outreach committee in cases such as yours.

Ok, so here's a question - hope this isn't off topic, but I have looked into reform. In fact there is a reform Synagogue literally 5 miles away. I have always been raised VERY conservative (think Gregorian chant etc...) so I am not sure how comfortable I would be with guitars etc. during service. What is the main difference between reform and conservative?

Oh, BTW... love your new avatar...

We recently moved from a small farm where we owned two horses, a Thoroughbred and Standardbred, both "off-the-track" racehorses. Mine, the Thoroughbred was VERY high strung. They are very intimidating animals that demand quite a bit of respect. What I love about them is they are so powerful, but once they have your trust they are very loyal. Beautiful creatures they are.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

etana, I would encourage you to slow down and first read:

• To Be A Jew: A Guide To Jewish Observance In Contemporary Life , and
• Jewish Literacy: The Most Important Things to Know About the Jewish Religion, Its People, and Its History

Talk of guitars can wait.

 

[etana4310]

I would encourage you to slow down and first read

In all due respect, I don't feel I am going too quickly. I am asking questions, i.e. learning.

Second, I have already read, "Choosing a Jewish Life" by Anita Diamant as well as a 20 year history of reading history and personal account on the Holocaust, but now I am feeling I am trying to proove my worthiness so I will stop here.

Maybe slowing down isn't such a bad idea. I have really never felt such discouragement in all my days....I am beginning to wonder if just being nothing is better.

Sorry about asking questions - over and out.

 

[Flankerl]

I dont understand why you always(probably the wrong word in this case but i dont know a better one, sorry english is not my native language) write that you've read stuff about the Shoah.

Not that its a bad thing to do so but i dont see the connection in becoming jewish. Maybe its because there arent any converts around here.



Now i can just hope that you dont take this the wrong way.

 

[Levite]

...I am not sure how comfortable I would be with guitars etc. during service. What is the main difference between reform and conservative?

The main difference is not in the use of musical instruments. There are some Conservative congregations that employ pianos, organs, guitars, or other instruments in their services too.

The main difference between Conservative and Reform is that the Conservative movement believes that halachah (Jewish Law) is binding, and not optional, and if changes in halachah are to be made, they must be made using the apparatus for change extant within the halachic system. They differ with Orthodoxy on what constitutes the valid methodologies within that apparatus, and in the techincalities of how changes in halachah can be made, and when, and for what reasons. The Conservative movement takes the view that it does on halachah because it believes that in some literal sense, mitzvot are commandments-- they are not optional, but mandatory.

The Reform movement is not a halachic movement. They believe that halachah has "a vote, but not a veto," meaning that it is not binding upon any individual Jew, except to the degree to which that individual takes it as binding upon themselves. They teach that while it is good to follow the traditional mitzvot as much as one can, if one finds any of them problematic, it is perfectly acceptable to simply not observe the mitzvah in question. It is for this reason that most Reform Jews do not keep kosher, or strictly observe Pesach (Passover) in all its difficult and punctilious rules, and why the Reform prayer liturgy is both predominately in English (or whatever the local language is), and the Hebrew is deeply redacted from the traditional liturgy. And it is also the reason why the Reform movement disastrously and unilaterally decided to accept patrilineal descent (i.e., you're Jewish if either of your parents is Jewish-- whereas the rest of the Jewish People only hold by matrilineal descent-- you're Jewish if your mother is, even if your father isn't, but not the reverse). But the Reform movement as a whole does not believe in any kind of literal commandedness, and that is what truly separates them from Conservative Judaism.

 

[etana4310]

I dont understand why you always(probably the wrong word in this case but i dont know a better one, sorry english is not my native language) write that you've read stuff about the Shoah.

Not that its a bad thing to do so but i dont see the connection in becoming jewish. Maybe its because there arent any converts around here.

Now i can just hope that you dont take this the wrong way.

Not taken the wrong way....think I am just going to retreat for a while. I feel a lot of resistance for some reason (could just be me, my personality, whatever) but I truly came searching - really looking for support as right now my whole entire world is 97% Catholic - all of whom will most likely turn and leave when they discover I am on this path - if I even stay on this path.
I feel like I don't say the right things. Seeking G-d is my heart's longing and being drawn to Judaism wasn't something I woke up and said, "Hey this sounds new and exciting." Converting down THIS path is hard and as I see not so inviting. I probably expected too much as my husband is always telling me.

 

[Dena]

Not taken the wrong way....think I am just going to retreat for a while. I feel a lot of resistance for some reason (could just be me, my personality, whatever) but I truly came searching - really looking for support as right now my whole entire world is 97% Catholic - all of whom will most likely turn and leave when they discover I am on this path - if I even stay on this path.

My Catholic friends didn't seem to care. You may be surprised what people are willing to overlook even if it does bother them.

I feel like I don't say the right things. Seeking G-d is my heart's longing and being drawn to Judaism wasn't something I woke up and said, "Hey this sounds new and exciting." Converting down THIS path is hard and as I see not so inviting. I probably expected too much as my husband is always telling me.

I'm not sure what you expected? You came here telling us your husband was Catholic, your children are all Catholic and you've never been to a synagogue. Becoming a Jew is a MAJOR life change. It's a big deal. Even when you are single or just a couple it's difficult. You've got six children to think about too. We've only encouraged you to take it slow and do research outside of Holocaust literature (because that won't teach you how to be a Jew). I'm not sure why that's bothering you?

And like Zardoz said, Rabbis are crazy busy. If you really want to speak to him, go to services. You don't have to corner him but let him know that you are attending. I know that you said elsewhere that one Rabbi did write you and said he'd be willing to talk. Is this the same Rabbi or someone different? That's a start.

Converting to Judaism isn't an easy. It's can be difficult emotionally, psychologically and socially. It takes a lot of learning and a lot of willingness to change some of your perspectives.

Diamant is okay but very basic. If I recall she doesn't speak from a Conservative (and certainly not Orthodox) perspective. I second the recommendation for Jewish Literacy. Very good book. It gives small explanations of many, many topics and also lists other resources if you want to further into a particular topic.

I also really like Blu Greenberg so I recommend How to Run a Traditional Household. She's Modern Orthodox but her book is helpful for everyone, I think.

A lot of people also like Maurice Lamm's Becoming a Jew. It's from an Orthodox perspective but again, useful for everyone if you like his writing style.

I also thought Alfred Kolatch's The Jewish Book of Why was interesting. I only read the first one. I'm not sure everyone would find it interesting but I have heard it mentioned in an Intro to Conservative Judaism class.

 

[etana4310]

My Catholic friends didn't seem to care. You may be surprised what people are willing to overlook even if it does bother them.

We are in the Traditional Latin Rite of the Church, a very narrow minded, strict sect of the Roman Rite. I suppose that is why I am very sensitive to a "rough" answer because that is how MOST of the Trad Catholics that surround us are - rough to outsiders - rough to even those within the Catholic Church who do not celebrate in latin. I suppose I was hoping for warm and fuzzy. I lost HALF my close friends for the mere fact that I stopped wearing SKIRTS and DRESSES all the time and started wearing jeans again. Seriously - one (a godmother to my youngest) completely stopped talking to me. So I am damaged goods and try to remain hopeful that this journey be a positive one. I don't expect it will happen tomorrow, next month, next year, two years from now.

I am an intellect. Have my Bachelors Degree in English/Lit. Have life experience as well as a boat load of religious experience. I am not going into this with blinders on. I ALREADY know how hard this is going to be! What is needed is encouragement and support.

Forgive me if I misunderstood any answers as being other than.
_________________________________________

aut viam inveniam aut faciam

 

[Zardoz]

Even though I am not as active in my temple's outreach committee as I once was, I have seen and consulted with many proselytes and their spouses.

There are many books about converting to Judaism, I have a dozen on my bookshelf now, but truly, there is only one way...

Visit on a Shabbat service. Visit that Reform shul near you, if you think that will not be your final home all the better to be relaxed. Find their friday night service schedule (Saturday is often a Bar Mitzva service) and go there. What do you have to lose? One nice thing about Reform is half of the service is in English and the other half is in Hebrew, but I assure you you'll follow along just fine.

Experience Oneg, experience Shabbat, experience the People, in person. Every shul is different, but most are very welcoming of seekers.

Shabbat Shalom

 

[etana4310]

Experience Oneg, experience Shabbat, experience the People, in person. Every shul is different, but most are very welcoming of seekers.

I thank you. I am going this coming Shabbat to do just exactly that. :yes: It's a good start. I also will take the book suggestions given from the others here and start adding to my collection and reading them.

One nice thing about Reform is half of the service is in English and the other half is in Hebrew, but I assure you you'll follow along just fine.

It took me about a year to master Latin - my prior service was entirely in latin except for announcement and the sermon. So I am guessing I can try by becoming familiar with hearing more Hebrew by going each week. Thank you for the suggestions - everyone.

 

[Rakhel]

as for the kids. You never know until you ask. But only do it when you feel ready.