Two Laws for Sustainable Friendship

[Mequa]

The ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus considered friendship to be grounded in a social contract. That social contract consists of the mutual expectations which are brought to a friendship, which may vary from time and place and from person to person, yet always take the same form. A mutual agreement to, of equal weight:

1) Avoid harming the other person.
2) Avoid letting the other person harm you.

I think that wiser words have seldom been spoken. Articulated in ancient Greece, this is the foundation of healthy personal boundaries and assertiveness, which are fundamental to all positive and egalitarian human relationships.

Still, this may seem rather abstract when stated in these terms. So I would like to flesh out these fundamental principles some more, based on my own reflections, study and personal experiences over the years, to show what they could mean.

Here is what I personally consider to be a more specific elaboration of these two fundamental laws governing sustainable friendship - when mutual on both sides:

1) Listen seriously to what the other person finds hurtful. If you know any particular behaviour is hurtful or emotionally distressing to the other person in any way, avoid doing that to them as much as humanly possible.

2) Communicate your expectations openly. If the other person does something to hurt you (whether unknowingly or otherwise), be soft on the person and tough on the issue. Always seek a diplomatic solution first, and avoid lashing out at them like the plague.


And for a reversal, here is what to do if you want to lose friends and alienate people:

1) Disregard what the other person finds hurtful. If you know any particular behaviour is hurtful or emotionally distressing to the other person in any way, do it anyway, whether through carelessness or intentionally to get a feeling of power and the thrill of the adrenaline rush.

2) Don't bother openly communicating your expectations, just expect the other person to read your mind. If the other person does something to hurt you (whether unknowingly or otherwise), lash out at them aggressively in a way which you know hurts them badly.


That, in a nutshell, is what I consider to be the fundamental difference between a safe person and a toxic person, when it comes to friendships and other relationships. Sadly, I've encountered far more of the latter myself over the years. Yet wisdom often comes through hurt and suffering.

To cultivate sustainable friendships as an adjunct to a happy life, then, I recommend the following:

- Cultivate the former behaviours, and avoid the latter in your own actions as much as possible. Be a safe person to friends, not a toxic person.

- Seek friends who practice the former behaviours with you, and avoid as friends toxic people who practice the latter behaviours with you.

Then:

- Watch your personal happiness level rise and rise, and your level of pain and anguish fall and fall, as your personal garden is filled with nurturing flowers and ridden of poisonous weeds.


Just my two cents on this issue.

 

[Mequa]

This Psychology Today article (focussing more on romantic relationships) might be relevant to this topic:

Mind-Reading: Don’t Try This At Home | Psychology Today


This video is also relevant here:

Overcoming the Expectation of Mind-Reading in Relationships: | Super-Focused.com

 

[Deidre]

This is good info

 

[DawudTalut]

The ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus considered friendship to be grounded in a social contract. ....

1) Avoid harming the other person.
2) Avoid letting the other person harm you.

Peace be on all. How about adding:

3) Doing good to other person even if they did not ask.
4) Appreciating their benevolence even if it is little.

 

[Mequa]

Peace be on all. How about adding:

3) Doing good to other person even if they did not ask.
4) Appreciating their benevolence even if it is little.

Those sound like good additions. However, I would argue that 1) and 2) are more fundamental.

By that, I mean that if you often do good to a person even if they did not ask, and appreciate their benevolence, yet still harm them at other times, this is a dysfunctional arrangement. So abstaining from harming them is more fundamental and more important to consistently follow, and not to break.

This is also an egalitarian, mutual arrangement, so it is equally important to not allow the other person to harm you. It is not a one way street. What causes harm may vary from individual to individual, so any ground rules need to allow for this based on the uniqueness of the two individuals involved. Because of this, there are no "one size fits all" rules which apply to everyone, apart from the fundamentals - do not inflict harm, and do not tolerate being harmed. Of equal weight in an egalitarian relationship.

I for one have zero tolerance for "friends" who lash out at me when they are upset and angry, and I cut them off immediately and permanently for failing to abstain from inflicting harm, as that really does inflict harm on me. Other people might tolerate that, but I personally cannot, if I wish to protect my emotional and psychological well-being. So anyone who desires a friendship with me needs to keep that in mind.

The same for false "friends" who try to manipulate me, play games with my emotions, talk negatively about me behind my back (or fail to intervene when this happens), act coldly withdrawing and punishing, and/or fail to empathise (place themselves in my shoes) with the hurt and psychological harm that results. I don't need toxic people in my life, and my mental health improves dramatically when I sever ties with someone like that. Anyone worth having as a friend would respect my personal boundaries here and avoid violating them as much as humanly possible. If they are unable and/or unwilling to do that, they are a toxic person to me and I sever ties. No exceptions. That is how I maintain respect for my own dignity. I have zero tolerance for abuse and contempt from so-called "friends". Zero tolerance.

A narcissist would feel entitled to continue a relationship with me even after they do something which inflicts harm, which is a false sense of entitlement. Cutting them off may make them angry and hurt (a narcissistic injury) due to their false sense of entitlement, but this is very much necessary to protect myself from a toxic person, in my experience.