Spiderman
Veteran Member
So, please tell me what ales you my friend?
My first hospitalization for being suicidal was age 10, and I lost track of how many hospitalizations I've had, sometimes with life threatening injuries and permanent handicaps to some extent.
I'm very fortunate to not be permanently paralyzed, and currently there is a lot of physical sickness, and physical pain, so I qualify as a sick puppy, but I want people to be healed, and there is a "wounded healer" idea in Shamanism, where a Shaman comes close to death, and it helps them achieve enlightenment and help other sick people heal.
Being institutionalized and an addict for much of my life , I have met some of the sickest puppies, been cell mates with cold-blooded killers and violent petrifying creatures!
But I love them and want them to get better.
Last time I was in jail, I had a Somalian Muslim cell mate who raped a girl and beat her head till she has permanent brain damage.
I used to read the Quran and Bible with him, turn our blankets into prayer rugs, face Mecca , and listen to him pray in Arabic.
I can't tell you how many times he wept many tears over what he did to an innocent human being.
Even though he violently ravaged and almost killed someone, leaving them with permanent brain injury, handicaps, and a life of trauma, can I really label the man a sociopath, if he is weeping repeatedly, raw emotional tears of sorrow, remorse, and guilt for what he did?
I can't stand criminals, crime, violence, rape, immorality, theft, dishonesty, and drug addiction, and I hate the fact that I am labeled a career criminal and mentally ill, but I have developed a love and concern for the well-being, healing, and conversions for these "monsters" , these lepers of society, even have I gotten in trouble with other inmates, for being friends with sickos everyone makes fun of , and beats up in jail (the sex offenders).
Before going to prison, one such person thanked me, and told me I was his only friend, and inmates harassed me for hanging out with him. I think I did the right thing, because these lepers are more tortured individuals than the people they hurt, it seems.
Anyone who hurts people like that or commits violence against innocent people, is a very troubled, disturbed individual. They are often abused, impoverished, had dysfunctional parents (or no parents), raised by thieves and hoodlums, they listen to hip hop or music that glorifies crime growing up, see such glorification of crime in the media and entertainment industry, and they think it's cool.
As an adolescent I simply was hopeless. Mom was cheating on Dad! Dad kidnapped us and tried to raise us in a different country after he lost two costly custody battles. Dad wasn't healthy either, and my mother was in medical school when she got pregnant, and was told to not keep the child (get an abortion). I have told her she made the wrong decision having the baby!
Mom was a Doctor on call, had four unsuccessful marriages, two of her husbands are now dead, she had many boyfriends, she wasn't home to supervise us, and I picked up many bad habits, with all the unhealthy immoral forms of entertainment in the household, and my mother prescribed me an addictive hypnotic drug at age 11, which turned me into a total drug addict at an early age, and she had controlled substances in her medicine cabinet, and her clinic, that I had access to.
By picking up a Rosary, reading about Marian apparitions of the blessed Virgin Mary, miracles and conversions linked to those apparitions, I learned I have a healthy mother in Heaven, experienced her love, prayed the Rosary a lot, and started learning how to be compassionate, charitable, and virtuous!
But there are certain wounds that just don't heal. If I had a healthy mother and Father, a good environment growing up, and crime, violence, and immorality wasn't glorified in the media and entertainment industry, I would likely be married, have children, be a College graduate, and not be such a walking dead man, disturbed , troubled, with permanent brain damage from drug abuse, overdoses, and a jump off a building that gave a traumatic head injury and cracked skull!
I have to radically accept that some of this is not going to heal! To expect to fully recover and be completely mentally and emotionally stable and healthy some day, would be like a quadriplegic expecting to run a marathon some day. It is simply impractical and not a possibility.
My hope is that the brokeness and woundedness , it will help to better relate to other broken wounded people, and help them get out of the hell and nightmares they are living in.
Nobody wakes up in the morning and says "I am so happy today I'm going to go kill some innocent people". Those are miserable people living a nightmare, who probably have been unloved, unwanted, despised, spiritually, morally , and psychologically bankrupt, empty, cold-blooded, joyless, and filled with darkness.
The only thing that made me a compassionate non-violent person, was I experienced love, especially from souls in Heaven, but also some people on earth who I have come to love and cherish! Being unloved, especially as a child and adolescent, rejection and abuse can create a monster!
But please tell me if you don't mind, have you ever been sick, disturbed, wanted to kill yourself, had bad temptations or experiences that left you traumatized, and how did you recover , heal, and escape from hell?
If you haven't been to hell and back, are still living in hell, how can you be helped? What would it take to make you happy, healthy, stable, mature, sane, and a productive member of society, living your dream?
Would you like to share any dreams you have of how you would like to better the earth?
When I say "sick puppy", it's because somebody called me that recently, so I'm not referring to others at RF, but I would like to hear from some sick people, because these last 24 hours I feel like dying, and it's been years since I truly felt alive and sane!
So, would like to hear what other people's struggles are, or if you were very sick once and got well. Thank you!
(Death appeals to me as a form of liberation from this broken body and broken bones, fractures that were never operated on, and arthritis. Death strikes me as my final liberation from a damaged brain as well. But I think deep down inside, we all want to be truly alive, and we are sick of feeling so tired, gloomy, and dead).
Just remember, when you try to save drowning people, make sure you don't put yourself in a predicament where you drown with them. Been there, done that!
My first hospitalization for being suicidal was age 10, and I lost track of how many hospitalizations I've had, sometimes with life threatening injuries and permanent handicaps to some extent.
I'm very fortunate to not be permanently paralyzed, and currently there is a lot of physical sickness, and physical pain, so I qualify as a sick puppy, but I want people to be healed, and there is a "wounded healer" idea in Shamanism, where a Shaman comes close to death, and it helps them achieve enlightenment and help other sick people heal.
Being institutionalized and an addict for much of my life , I have met some of the sickest puppies, been cell mates with cold-blooded killers and violent petrifying creatures!
But I love them and want them to get better.
Last time I was in jail, I had a Somalian Muslim cell mate who raped a girl and beat her head till she has permanent brain damage.
I used to read the Quran and Bible with him, turn our blankets into prayer rugs, face Mecca , and listen to him pray in Arabic.
I can't tell you how many times he wept many tears over what he did to an innocent human being.
Even though he violently ravaged and almost killed someone, leaving them with permanent brain injury, handicaps, and a life of trauma, can I really label the man a sociopath, if he is weeping repeatedly, raw emotional tears of sorrow, remorse, and guilt for what he did?
I can't stand criminals, crime, violence, rape, immorality, theft, dishonesty, and drug addiction, and I hate the fact that I am labeled a career criminal and mentally ill, but I have developed a love and concern for the well-being, healing, and conversions for these "monsters" , these lepers of society, even have I gotten in trouble with other inmates, for being friends with sickos everyone makes fun of , and beats up in jail (the sex offenders).
Before going to prison, one such person thanked me, and told me I was his only friend, and inmates harassed me for hanging out with him. I think I did the right thing, because these lepers are more tortured individuals than the people they hurt, it seems.
Anyone who hurts people like that or commits violence against innocent people, is a very troubled, disturbed individual. They are often abused, impoverished, had dysfunctional parents (or no parents), raised by thieves and hoodlums, they listen to hip hop or music that glorifies crime growing up, see such glorification of crime in the media and entertainment industry, and they think it's cool.
As an adolescent I simply was hopeless. Mom was cheating on Dad! Dad kidnapped us and tried to raise us in a different country after he lost two costly custody battles. Dad wasn't healthy either, and my mother was in medical school when she got pregnant, and was told to not keep the child (get an abortion). I have told her she made the wrong decision having the baby!
Mom was a Doctor on call, had four unsuccessful marriages, two of her husbands are now dead, she had many boyfriends, she wasn't home to supervise us, and I picked up many bad habits, with all the unhealthy immoral forms of entertainment in the household, and my mother prescribed me an addictive hypnotic drug at age 11, which turned me into a total drug addict at an early age, and she had controlled substances in her medicine cabinet, and her clinic, that I had access to.
By picking up a Rosary, reading about Marian apparitions of the blessed Virgin Mary, miracles and conversions linked to those apparitions, I learned I have a healthy mother in Heaven, experienced her love, prayed the Rosary a lot, and started learning how to be compassionate, charitable, and virtuous!
But there are certain wounds that just don't heal. If I had a healthy mother and Father, a good environment growing up, and crime, violence, and immorality wasn't glorified in the media and entertainment industry, I would likely be married, have children, be a College graduate, and not be such a walking dead man, disturbed , troubled, with permanent brain damage from drug abuse, overdoses, and a jump off a building that gave a traumatic head injury and cracked skull!
I have to radically accept that some of this is not going to heal! To expect to fully recover and be completely mentally and emotionally stable and healthy some day, would be like a quadriplegic expecting to run a marathon some day. It is simply impractical and not a possibility.
My hope is that the brokeness and woundedness , it will help to better relate to other broken wounded people, and help them get out of the hell and nightmares they are living in.
Nobody wakes up in the morning and says "I am so happy today I'm going to go kill some innocent people". Those are miserable people living a nightmare, who probably have been unloved, unwanted, despised, spiritually, morally , and psychologically bankrupt, empty, cold-blooded, joyless, and filled with darkness.
The only thing that made me a compassionate non-violent person, was I experienced love, especially from souls in Heaven, but also some people on earth who I have come to love and cherish! Being unloved, especially as a child and adolescent, rejection and abuse can create a monster!
But please tell me if you don't mind, have you ever been sick, disturbed, wanted to kill yourself, had bad temptations or experiences that left you traumatized, and how did you recover , heal, and escape from hell?
If you haven't been to hell and back, are still living in hell, how can you be helped? What would it take to make you happy, healthy, stable, mature, sane, and a productive member of society, living your dream?
Would you like to share any dreams you have of how you would like to better the earth?
When I say "sick puppy", it's because somebody called me that recently, so I'm not referring to others at RF, but I would like to hear from some sick people, because these last 24 hours I feel like dying, and it's been years since I truly felt alive and sane!
So, would like to hear what other people's struggles are, or if you were very sick once and got well. Thank you!
(Death appeals to me as a form of liberation from this broken body and broken bones, fractures that were never operated on, and arthritis. Death strikes me as my final liberation from a damaged brain as well. But I think deep down inside, we all want to be truly alive, and we are sick of feeling so tired, gloomy, and dead).
Just remember, when you try to save drowning people, make sure you don't put yourself in a predicament where you drown with them. Been there, done that!
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