PivotalSyntax
Spiritual Luftmensch
I want to write about this because perhaps other spiritual seekers will be able to offer advice, or perhaps they will get something out of it. I don't think that my personal experience is unique or special, but I feel that it's important that we all share what we can, so that hopefully someone else will find something in it that will help them. It also helps me keep my sanity. When you have infinite free time in summer, an idle mind cannot be stopped -- it is a force to be reckoned with.
My journey is very premature, but so far it has felt never-ending. I can only imagine what it will feel like after a decade. Perhaps by then I'll have better figured everything out. My search began approximately a year ago with an introduction to philosophy. Before that I was academic, but of the superficial academic sort. I went home and watched TV or played video games. Life contained no substance, so to speak. But then I was introduced into formal philosophy. I was always interested in these sorts of questions, even as a young child. One of the clearest things I remember doing while young was constantly trying to comprehend what infinity was. It seems the desire for truth has been germinating all along. Philosophy became a way of funneling meaning into my life. I put the utmost faith (based on reason, of course) into it. I was dedicated to it, and felt that all truth could ultimately be discovered through the power of rational thought. Perhaps it can, perhaps it can't.
I went on philosophizing, and it eventually grew stronger and stronger. I'm very introverted. I didn't really associate with people, so I had all the time in the world to pursue my solitary interests. Eventually the pursuit of truth, knowledge, and all that jazz phased out all those mundane activities (I'm referring to hollow entertainment found on the boob tube). Thinking, along with experiencing REALITY, became life. Life simplified so to speak -- I completely lost interest in TV, gadgets, or whatever else. When taking a break from thinking, nature is a beautiful way to enjoy one's self. I'm also very interested in the arts, music, literature. The arts are simply extensions of life, really. Writing, creating music are all ways you'd find me (and still would) using my time. My creative side sometimes overpowered me, but then I would realize: "Where does inspiration spawn from? Life? Philosophy? Truth?" So anyways, I went on philosophizing.
But then I was introduced to the eastern religions, spawning from my interest in Buddhism. I read a lot about it online, and practiced meditation for a short while until I lost the resolve to continue. Many of the teachings resonated very truly through me. In the mindset I was in, everything had to be rational and proven myself before I accepted it -- I did not blindly subscribe to the teachings. I tested them, made sure they had truth to them. Still, I couldn't (and still can't) subscribe myself to one religion. I can take from it its teachings and practices and make them individually mine, and merge them with other teachings, but I think that there is no way in my life I will ever call myself by one religion. Categories are restricting and unnecessary. Nonetheless, at the time I felt that Buddhism was a counterweight to philosophy. I had a "one or the other" mindset, in the sense that it is hard to partake in philosophy when all my mental effort is used for my spirituality (and vice versa). And how could I study things that I know don't contain truth, and seem more like trivial arguments over minute problems that are rooted more in language than in truth or fallacy? So I took a "which one?" mindset, and eventually in the end the pursuit of rationality won over, and philosophy took the front seat again. But only for so long.
So boom, along I went thinking again. Until my spirituality started begging to be exercised, to be able to come out and enjoy everything. And that's when I started looking to the east again. So I read up on Taoism and it very much resonated in me, because it fit so perfectly with my creative side. This was the beginning of the events that have led up to now. Taoism contains so much wisdom, and much of it can be accepted and intertwined with other things. It doesn't have to be accepted as a WHOLE. That is the beauty of finding something that allows you to still continue finding your own individual way. And of course that led to Buddhism again, but less distinct Buddhism. I am taking much out of it, such as meditation and many teachings and all that. I am also more earnestly diving into it. I meditate much more seriously -- usually three times a day "formally" and of course I am mindful in everything that I do, by trying to remain in the present moment. I made an amalgamation of Taoism and Buddhism (which isn't something original, but it was my own amalgamation) along with a few of my own thoughts. Ultimately, I am trying to be in full awareness of our nature of existing as part of the Oneness, the Ultimate Reality, or however else you want to describe it.
And then some mysticism was introduced to me, and my mind just expanded and opened to everything. This was very, very recently. I see now all religions as facets of the same gem, or as paths converging on the same point. The goal is the same, but they are presented differently for the myriad of people that exist on our insignificant planet. This mysticism has created something peculiar in my mind. Generally if someone asked I would say I was a pantheist or atheist. Of course I was also pursuing the Oneness... the Ultimate Reality but to make things simple I tell people pantheist. I took a traditional pantheist viewpoint while philosophizing. But mysticism has made me everything. I've had no direct mystic experiences so I don't know what I'm basing this off of, or what conviction I have, or anything. It's simply intuition of the Oneness of everything. This mysticism has made me open to everything. It seems like I accept EVERYTHING. Monotheism, polytheism, non-theism, theism, whatever. It just all seems to be pointing at that CONVERGING point of TRUTH that we are so desperately searching for. I have no justification for this... it's simply intuition. I don't have a degree in theology, and my knowledge is probably full of holes and fallacies and misconstrued information. But this is where I am now, and I desperately searching for ways to break into that truth.
As you can image, my rational side is screaming furiously at me, sending bouts of doubt into my head all the time. I look at myself as delusional, subscribing to mystical fairy tales that are the result of happy optimism in an otherwise agonizing existence (not my existence personally). At times, that philosophizing side, the rational side, pulls me out of my drunken stupor, my delightful dream and it shakes me and goes, "What are you doing? You're becoming one of them. One of the general mass of people that subscribe to religion because they are not strong enough in the mind to understand higher forms of thought such as philosophy or science. You are capable of rational thought, but there you are going on in a fake dream~!"
And so here I am. I'm mentally torn between diametric opposites. Is that bad? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly opens doors to learning about many different viewpoints. I've learned much about myself. Still, I'd rather know than speculate about what is right. I can't find the TRUTH until I know where to look. I find it highly unlikely that I will simply stumble upon it. I still have so many years, I'm still very young in the grand scheme of life. I'm only half way through high school. I have time I tell myself. But do I?
I thank you if you read this giant wall of text. The post seems somewhat hollow to me, as the meaning is hidden in the small details. Alas, I don't think it's the appropriate place to convey all the small details that really make up the sum total. Nor would you want to read it. I wish I could just send you my consciousness via FedEx so that you could "absorb" all those small details that really make the journey.
My journey is very premature, but so far it has felt never-ending. I can only imagine what it will feel like after a decade. Perhaps by then I'll have better figured everything out. My search began approximately a year ago with an introduction to philosophy. Before that I was academic, but of the superficial academic sort. I went home and watched TV or played video games. Life contained no substance, so to speak. But then I was introduced into formal philosophy. I was always interested in these sorts of questions, even as a young child. One of the clearest things I remember doing while young was constantly trying to comprehend what infinity was. It seems the desire for truth has been germinating all along. Philosophy became a way of funneling meaning into my life. I put the utmost faith (based on reason, of course) into it. I was dedicated to it, and felt that all truth could ultimately be discovered through the power of rational thought. Perhaps it can, perhaps it can't.
I went on philosophizing, and it eventually grew stronger and stronger. I'm very introverted. I didn't really associate with people, so I had all the time in the world to pursue my solitary interests. Eventually the pursuit of truth, knowledge, and all that jazz phased out all those mundane activities (I'm referring to hollow entertainment found on the boob tube). Thinking, along with experiencing REALITY, became life. Life simplified so to speak -- I completely lost interest in TV, gadgets, or whatever else. When taking a break from thinking, nature is a beautiful way to enjoy one's self. I'm also very interested in the arts, music, literature. The arts are simply extensions of life, really. Writing, creating music are all ways you'd find me (and still would) using my time. My creative side sometimes overpowered me, but then I would realize: "Where does inspiration spawn from? Life? Philosophy? Truth?" So anyways, I went on philosophizing.
But then I was introduced to the eastern religions, spawning from my interest in Buddhism. I read a lot about it online, and practiced meditation for a short while until I lost the resolve to continue. Many of the teachings resonated very truly through me. In the mindset I was in, everything had to be rational and proven myself before I accepted it -- I did not blindly subscribe to the teachings. I tested them, made sure they had truth to them. Still, I couldn't (and still can't) subscribe myself to one religion. I can take from it its teachings and practices and make them individually mine, and merge them with other teachings, but I think that there is no way in my life I will ever call myself by one religion. Categories are restricting and unnecessary. Nonetheless, at the time I felt that Buddhism was a counterweight to philosophy. I had a "one or the other" mindset, in the sense that it is hard to partake in philosophy when all my mental effort is used for my spirituality (and vice versa). And how could I study things that I know don't contain truth, and seem more like trivial arguments over minute problems that are rooted more in language than in truth or fallacy? So I took a "which one?" mindset, and eventually in the end the pursuit of rationality won over, and philosophy took the front seat again. But only for so long.
So boom, along I went thinking again. Until my spirituality started begging to be exercised, to be able to come out and enjoy everything. And that's when I started looking to the east again. So I read up on Taoism and it very much resonated in me, because it fit so perfectly with my creative side. This was the beginning of the events that have led up to now. Taoism contains so much wisdom, and much of it can be accepted and intertwined with other things. It doesn't have to be accepted as a WHOLE. That is the beauty of finding something that allows you to still continue finding your own individual way. And of course that led to Buddhism again, but less distinct Buddhism. I am taking much out of it, such as meditation and many teachings and all that. I am also more earnestly diving into it. I meditate much more seriously -- usually three times a day "formally" and of course I am mindful in everything that I do, by trying to remain in the present moment. I made an amalgamation of Taoism and Buddhism (which isn't something original, but it was my own amalgamation) along with a few of my own thoughts. Ultimately, I am trying to be in full awareness of our nature of existing as part of the Oneness, the Ultimate Reality, or however else you want to describe it.
And then some mysticism was introduced to me, and my mind just expanded and opened to everything. This was very, very recently. I see now all religions as facets of the same gem, or as paths converging on the same point. The goal is the same, but they are presented differently for the myriad of people that exist on our insignificant planet. This mysticism has created something peculiar in my mind. Generally if someone asked I would say I was a pantheist or atheist. Of course I was also pursuing the Oneness... the Ultimate Reality but to make things simple I tell people pantheist. I took a traditional pantheist viewpoint while philosophizing. But mysticism has made me everything. I've had no direct mystic experiences so I don't know what I'm basing this off of, or what conviction I have, or anything. It's simply intuition of the Oneness of everything. This mysticism has made me open to everything. It seems like I accept EVERYTHING. Monotheism, polytheism, non-theism, theism, whatever. It just all seems to be pointing at that CONVERGING point of TRUTH that we are so desperately searching for. I have no justification for this... it's simply intuition. I don't have a degree in theology, and my knowledge is probably full of holes and fallacies and misconstrued information. But this is where I am now, and I desperately searching for ways to break into that truth.
As you can image, my rational side is screaming furiously at me, sending bouts of doubt into my head all the time. I look at myself as delusional, subscribing to mystical fairy tales that are the result of happy optimism in an otherwise agonizing existence (not my existence personally). At times, that philosophizing side, the rational side, pulls me out of my drunken stupor, my delightful dream and it shakes me and goes, "What are you doing? You're becoming one of them. One of the general mass of people that subscribe to religion because they are not strong enough in the mind to understand higher forms of thought such as philosophy or science. You are capable of rational thought, but there you are going on in a fake dream~!"
And so here I am. I'm mentally torn between diametric opposites. Is that bad? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly opens doors to learning about many different viewpoints. I've learned much about myself. Still, I'd rather know than speculate about what is right. I can't find the TRUTH until I know where to look. I find it highly unlikely that I will simply stumble upon it. I still have so many years, I'm still very young in the grand scheme of life. I'm only half way through high school. I have time I tell myself. But do I?
I thank you if you read this giant wall of text. The post seems somewhat hollow to me, as the meaning is hidden in the small details. Alas, I don't think it's the appropriate place to convey all the small details that really make up the sum total. Nor would you want to read it. I wish I could just send you my consciousness via FedEx so that you could "absorb" all those small details that really make the journey.
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