Some really funny stuff I found in my email....

[Lycan]

Just some stuff I found in my inbox...

Police Funnies
GOOD:

A Richardson, TX, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting much "business". Then he discovered the problem - a12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read, RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then discovered a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS", and a bucketful of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, TX. A $40 speeding ticket was enclosed. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of
handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and
said "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There hung a moment
of silence while she smiled, and he realized just what he'd said. He closed
his ticket book, got back into his patrol car and drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.:biglaugh:

Survivor Southern Style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern tv stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2008, Deer Hunting is Murder ,and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.:biglaugh:

Nursery Rhymes for big kids

JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you idiot!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
:biglaugh:

 

[Lycan]

INTERNATIONAL THINKING

AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

 

[michel]

Very good Lycan; I'll have a proper look at it tomorrow; I'm too tired to think!-I like the Diana globalization one! Definately time for fruballs!!

 

[SK2005]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Those are fantastic!!!!!! .........whew........I can't breath

 

[Lycan]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the
pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her
husband.
The pharmacist's said, "I'm sorry ma'am, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband. It's against the
law. I'd lose my license, they would throw both of us
in jail. I absolutely cannot let you have any
cyanide."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[Lycan]

When someone applies for Child Support, the Child Support Agency tries to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way..... Who's your Daddy! These are actual excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5 I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7 I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

 

[Lycan]

THE FIRST TIME

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour, telling him just about everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3 -pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to have sex with her all night long." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will probably be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

 

[ness]

LOL I love that one Lycan!!!!! :woohoo:

 

[michel]

Lycan, you've made my day !:jiggy:

 

[Lycan]

I am so glad y'all like em! I will add more, I have tons, so check back often

:happy passing out smiles :

 

[Lycan]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

[Lycan]

Subject: A NEW S.T.D.

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea lectim (pronounced gonna re-elect him).
Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially virulent disease. Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea lectim include, but are not limited to:
Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.​

 

[Lycan]

FOR SMART WOMEN EVERYWHERE!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

​

 

[Lycan]

Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level
cup
and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in
a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar..Beat again. At this
point it's best
to
make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to
the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging
fruit off floor...
Mix
on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers just pry
it lloose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz
a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add
one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever
you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out,
finish the Cose
Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.

 

[jimbob]

FOR SMART WOMEN EVERYWHERE!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


​

WE can safely assume that the woman was not a blonde