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Short novel passage of mine

Infinitum

Possessed Bookworm
I've had lots of people asking about my writing, but it's all been in my native tongue and so not readable for anyone. Today Quax was again curious about my writing and talked to me about trying to write in English, but I have a hard time finding the right nuances in other languages. So I took a passage I've published on my site in the original language already and made a quick translation of it. Some of the peculiarities of the original text were lost in the process, but I hope it will entertain the reader nonetheless.

A day in the marketplace

The mesmer had managed to catch Aiya’s attention. She pushed herself through the crowd to the front to see better, leaving her sisters no other option than to follow her.
There was a man standing on the wooden stage. Because of his brightly-coloured dress he was visible from far. He marked his gestures with a scarlet cape that he let flatter around him dramatically. Lacking a challenger he called a small bird down from the sky seemingly at random and started presenting his skills with it.
”That’s not a mesmer, but a mere illusionist”, Nene said disapprovingly.
”Wait”, Aiya said. She followed the mesmer’s movements intensely.
”He’s mesmerized the audience at least”, Rana noted dryly. The crowd cheered around them and the maestro met their admiration with open arms. Even more he welcomed the coins that people threw up to his feet.
Soon he let the bird fly away and resumed his calls for a challenger.
”See the mighty master Niyx! A handful of gold to the one who beats the maestro. Wonder! Mystique! Come here, come here ladies and gentlemen, come in this direction.”
”I doubt he has any gold”, Aiya said, looking thoughtful.
”Don’t even think about it”, Rana protested. ”Whatever he is, he’ll humiliate you for sure.”
”Or I him.”
Niyx had turned towards the nearby crowd. His eyes swept over the audience and stopped on Aiya.
”Ohoy, gold-haired beauty!” he exclaimed, eyes sparking. ”I’m sure such a brisk girl takes a good challenge. Come, surrender yourself to the power of Niyx.”
The crowd let out a nervous laugh. Niyx’s lecherous undertone wasn’t lost to them.
”You dirty scoundrel!” Rana cried out and grasped Aiya’s hand. ”Aiya, leave him alone. Let’s go already.”
But a fire had already lit in Aiya’s eyes that the sisters knew well. She tore herself loose from Rana’s grasp and started resolutely climbing up to the stage. The artist beckoned her to hurry and the crowd cheered at them.
Aiya had barely reached the stage when her sisters already felt the mesmer lightly touch her mind. Like a snake he circled at the edge of her thoughts, trying to find a hole to sneak in from.
However Aiya resisted him with ease. Her sisters thought themselves feeling, how she in turn reached her consciousness towards the mesmer and crept into his mind. They exchanged an anxious look with each other.
”Here we have a challenger, ladies and gentlemen!” the man announced. ”This golden beauty wants gold – but will she have it?” He turned towards Aiya with the most charming smile on his lips. ”What’s your name?”
”You will know when you’ve mesmerized me.”
Niyx didn’t like her reply, but couldn’t turn back. ”Very well”, he said. ”Let your wish come true!”
The audience followed with tension how the mesmer’s hands started a swaying dance. It looked like Niyx would have taken Aiya over only with the power of his enchanting moves, but Nene and Rana, whose minds were connected to Aiya’s, knew what really was going on.
Niyx’s attacks slammed against the wall of Aiya’s mind. One moment he tried to slither in unnoticed, the next he went into a full, open attack. Sometimes he snuk, sometimes just waited for the right moment to get in.
Nothing helped. Aiya was relentless against him, steady as a cliff against the torrents of the mesmer’s will.
Soon Niyx was restless and annoyed. He feared losing the attention of the crowd. No one had conquered him before. The task was supposed to be impossible for anyone. His whole fortune relied on it... He had debts and the innkeeper threatened to throw him out. But the coins kept building up, the audience loved him after all...
Who is she? Niyx stared into Aiya’s bright-green eyes. The girl responded to his gaze calmly, as if she didn’t even notice he was struggling. The mesmer focused all his strength on getting in; he had to know. He forgot it was a show. The man didn’t notice it himself, but he didn’t move his hands anymore. He simply stood dumbly in front of Aiya, agony shining from his face. The crowd held its breath.
”Who are you!” Niyx suddenly exclaimed in distress. ”You vile witch, tell me where your power comes from!”
The crowd let out a gasp. Niyx, whose face was now all white, turned his gaze aside. Aiya moved to offer him help, but Niyx pushed her away.
”Here’s your money”, he said hoarsely and pressed the purse into Aiya’s hand. ”Now leave me alone.”
”No”, Aiya said quietly and put the purse back in his hands. ”You need it.”
The artist didn’t answer. He turned towards his audience, bowed deep and withdrew from the stage followed by scattered applause.
Aiya stood watching him go. There was only pity on her face now. The fire had gone out and left only scorching cinders behind.
What have I done?
”You’ve done enough”, Rana told aloud. She strode up the stage and dragged her sister down with her. Aiya didn’t resist, but let herself be pulled through the crowd into safety. The bypassers stared at her, and there was hostility in their eyes.


The text, the world and the characters are all of my own invention. Any resemblance to other stories is purely coincidental. For occasional non-members out there: please do not use this text without consent from the author (me).
 

The Neo Nerd

Well-Known Member
I really like and I doubt it's lost anything in translation.

I also like a hot tempered heroine.

Thanks for taking the time to translate.

Frubals for you.

-N
 

Infinitum

Possessed Bookworm
I really like and I doubt it's lost anything in translation.

I also like a hot tempered heroine.

Thanks for taking the time to translate.

Frubals for you.

-N
Trust me, I had to remove a lot of nuances to make it work in English language. I'm glad it's still fluent as it is.
 

Infinitum

Possessed Bookworm
Very nice, although just a style note if I may. In English commas go inside quotation marks.
I'm trying to follow British English, where commas actually go outside the quotation marks. Thanks for the note nonetheless. ;)
 

The Neo Nerd

Well-Known Member
Trust me, I had to remove a lot of nuances to make it work in English language. I'm glad it's still fluent as it is.

I'm quite impressed with it.

A lot of writers like to put so much detail and nuance that they don't get around to telling the story. It's why i can't stand Lord of the Rings.
 

Caladan

Agnostic Pantheist
That's some good story-telling Infinitum! I like the way you capture the tension, reactions, and emotions of the characters and the crowd, it makes the scene lively and engaging.
 

Infinitum

Possessed Bookworm
I'm quite impressed with it.

A lot of writers like to put so much detail and nuance that they don't get around to telling the story. It's why i can't stand Lord of the Rings.
Don't try George R. R. Martin in that case. I can usually gnaw myself through thick books, but I must have broken a tooth at the half of the third book. I got tired of the plot not really going anywhere.
 

methylatedghosts

Can't brain. Has dumb.
Don't try George R. R. Martin in that case. I can usually gnaw myself through thick books, but I must have broken a tooth at the half of the third book. I got tired of the plot not really going anywhere.

Trust me, they get so much better. Can't wait for the next one!
 

The Neo Nerd

Well-Known Member
Don't try George R. R. Martin in that case. I can usually gnaw myself through thick books, but I must have broken a tooth at the half of the third book. I got tired of the plot not really going anywhere.

HAHAHAHA i know what you mean.

I thought your style was reminiscent of Robert Jordan.
 
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