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Religious Humor
- Thread starter Geoff-Allen
- Start date
I enjoyed them. Thanks. To add one: Swami Beyondananda
Political humor - political satire, new age humor - Swami Beyondananda
I love the Dr. Laura one. It's been a staple of the gay community for a decade. 
Acintya_Ash
Bhakta
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Thanks 4 the replies!
And the link!
And the link!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Found a litttle more -
Best clean religious, church, Sunday school, minister, and Bible jokes and humor ever!
Best clean religious, church, Sunday school, minister, and Bible jokes and humor ever!
Rick O'Shez
Irishman bouncing off walls
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Rick O'Shez
Irishman bouncing off walls
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise man came from afar.'"
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise man came from afar.'"
What is Catholic priests' favorite Gospel passage?
"Let the little children come to me"
I am Catholic...so I prefer to make jokes about my own religion
"Let the little children come to me"
I am Catholic...so I prefer to make jokes about my own religion
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Thanks for the jokes!
Here's a few more I found -
Dribbleglass.com--Church Bulletins
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Here's a few more I found -
Dribbleglass.com--Church Bulletins
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A man arrived at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asked, “Religion?”
The man said, “Methodist.”
St. Peter looked down his list and said,” Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”
Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven.
“Religion?”
“Baptist.”
“Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”
A third man arrived at the gates.
“Religion?”
“Jewish.”
“Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”
The man said, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?”
St. Peter told him, “Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.”
St. Peter asked, “Religion?”
The man said, “Methodist.”
St. Peter looked down his list and said,” Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”
Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven.
“Religion?”
“Baptist.”
“Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”
A third man arrived at the gates.
“Religion?”
“Jewish.”
“Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”
The man said, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?”
St. Peter told him, “Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.”
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. Please give a confirmation that you will grant my wish." Suddenly the sky darkened and the Lord, in a booming voice said, "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. I think that I can trust that you will not disappoint me. Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?" The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Take a little more time and make another wish, one you think would honor and glorify Me." After much thought, the man said, "I"ve been married 4 times. My wives always said that I was insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I want to know why they cry and how to make them truly happy. That's my wish, Lord."Then, after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?" The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Take a little more time and make another wish, one you think would honor and glorify Me." After much thought, the man said, "I"ve been married 4 times. My wives always said that I was insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I want to know why they cry and how to make them truly happy. That's my wish, Lord."Then, after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A college student was in a philosophy class, where was a class discussion about whether or not God exists. The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
The student received an "A" in the class.
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
The student received an "A" in the class.
Rick O'Shez
Irishman bouncing off walls
There is this very pious Jew named Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery. Every Sabbath, he’d go to synagogue and pray: “God, I have been such a pious Jew all my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery?”
But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win. Week after week, Goldberg would pray to win the lottery, but the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win.
Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg wails to the heavens and says: “God, I have been so pious for so long, what do I have to do to win the lottery?”
And the heavens parted and the voice of God came down: “Goldberg, give me a chance! Buy a ticket!”
But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win. Week after week, Goldberg would pray to win the lottery, but the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win.
Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg wails to the heavens and says: “God, I have been so pious for so long, what do I have to do to win the lottery?”
And the heavens parted and the voice of God came down: “Goldberg, give me a chance! Buy a ticket!”
Rick O'Shez
Irishman bouncing off walls
Religious ****!
Taoism - **** happens.
Buddhism - If **** happens, it's not really ****.
Islam - If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism - **** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this **** always happen to us?
Hinduism - This **** happened before.
Catholicism - **** happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna - **** happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more ****.
Atheism - No ****.
Jehovah's Witness - Knock knock, **** happens.
Hedonism - There's nothing like a good **** happening.
Christian Science - **** happens in your mind.
Agnosticism - Maybe **** happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this ****.
Existentialism - What is **** anyway?
Stoicism - This **** doesn't bother me.
Taoism - **** happens.
Buddhism - If **** happens, it's not really ****.
Islam - If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism - **** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this **** always happen to us?
Hinduism - This **** happened before.
Catholicism - **** happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna - **** happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more ****.
Atheism - No ****.
Jehovah's Witness - Knock knock, **** happens.
Hedonism - There's nothing like a good **** happening.
Christian Science - **** happens in your mind.
Agnosticism - Maybe **** happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this ****.
Existentialism - What is **** anyway?
Stoicism - This **** doesn't bother me.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven, where he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We've heard so many good things about you. I must inform you, though, the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The quiz is short, but you need to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on... "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions and you can have the night to think about it. So, here it is:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year? ... and...
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer all three questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you've had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking... but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds are in a year?"
"Now, that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve. January second, and February second, and March second..."
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going, and I guess I see your point, but that wasn't what I had in mind. But, I'll give you credit for that one, too. Now, let's go on with the final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest quickly replied, "Andy."
Again, St. Peter asked, "How in the world did you come up with Andy?"
Forrest smiled and said, "You know, St. Peter, from that song we all sing in church...
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
-----
MORAL: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW.
Just because a person does not see or understand things the same way you do, does not mean they are wrong. They are entitled to their own point of view, and it should be considered as important as any other.
The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We've heard so many good things about you. I must inform you, though, the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The quiz is short, but you need to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on... "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions and you can have the night to think about it. So, here it is:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year? ... and...
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer all three questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you've had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking... but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds are in a year?"
"Now, that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve. January second, and February second, and March second..."
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going, and I guess I see your point, but that wasn't what I had in mind. But, I'll give you credit for that one, too. Now, let's go on with the final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest quickly replied, "Andy."
Again, St. Peter asked, "How in the world did you come up with Andy?"
Forrest smiled and said, "You know, St. Peter, from that song we all sing in church...
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
-----
MORAL: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW.
Just because a person does not see or understand things the same way you do, does not mean they are wrong. They are entitled to their own point of view, and it should be considered as important as any other.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A search for Joke unemployed son meditating tosses upa few!