Past relationships. Am I in the wrong?

[dawny0826]

Years ago, I dated someone that I was head over feet for. He ended the relationship and was very unkind to me afterwards - making my senior year of high school awkward and painful. It took a very long time to get over the pain and embarassment of the breakup. I did catch on to the fact that he wasn't worth pining over and accepted my pain as something that I'd work through and get over. I believed that I'd find what I was looking for in life and I did. I've been married for ten years. We have children. We're happy. We're settled. I'm fulfilled.

So, it's always troubled me that I still feel connected to my first love. I'm not insinuating that I'm in love with him or want anything of him but there's this connection that doesn't go away. I can't erase memory and lasting impressions. I can't change the way I feel when something reminds me of him - reminds me of that time in my life. But it seems to run a bit deeper. Sometimes, I'll dream of him or think of him at random and then within days, he'll pop up from out of the blue and drop me a line to catch up.

About two months ago, he emailed me. I responded back with a simple - "Hi - I'm fine. Tell your Mom I said hi." I wasn't fishing for a response.

Believe it or not she still talks about you sometimes and you are still the benchmark for every girlfriend that I bring home to meet her lol. You are a tough act to follow...

It's true.

I've been in some terrible relationships since then. The last one absolutely
broke my heart for a drunk fisherman named Dizzy who has no job and no ambitions beyond getting drunk. Mom didnt care much for her because of some piercing
alterations she had done to her body and she had a couple kids and she was a
waitress and on and on and basically just wasnt your calibur.

I used to get mad when mom said these kinda things about my girlfriends but the
longer i'm alive i see that she's right. You are a decent person and for what
it's worth after all of these years... I'm sorry. I was young and immature and
didnt know a good thing when I saw it.

After being crushed so many times, I see now that I was a fool.
If only I was so wise back then.

Anyways, sorry if you didn't even want to hear any of that. After this last one
though I made it a priority to apologize to the one decent person who noticed me
so far.

We've caught up since this communication. Innocent conversation. He advised today that he's dating again. I'm happy for him. Things are coming together for him and I think it's great. He's a great person and he deserves happiness.

Even so, his confession - his apology - has hurt me. I'm embarassed for feeling this way but I feel this way nonetheless. Though I appreciate the gesture, I also think it selfish.

Has this sort of thing happened to any of you? An apology from someone that you loved...years overdue? Am I in the wrong for feeling as I do?

 

[Madhuri]

I can relate to your feelings. I think that love is something that can never go away. We develop love for people, places, things, just through association. Even if time allows us to forget a lot, a connection once made never truly dies. I've had friendships and even 'romances' that didn't go far where, despite not being interested romantically in that person any more, I am still left with affection and concern about that person.

Dawny, this guy is a part of you forever. He doesn't have to be a lover, or even a friend. But he'll always be a part of you. so first thing first, don't feel guilty or confused about this. It's completely natural and it won't change.

As for your feelings of hurt and anger, this is natural too. Perhaps it means the issue is still unresolved for you. Maybe there is something you need to say to him? His apology and communication have brought back those feelings but you haven't had closure yet. If you think you need to find closure, then do what you need to find it.

I hope you feel better soon!