PoetPhilosopher
Veteran Member
I enjoy this forum, but I tend to get extremely burned out even after making 1000 posts here. I haven't fully figured it out yet, just that it has something to do, I think, with me being a bit of an introvert. Introverts need alone time to recharge. And sometimes, I dare say, said recharging can even take much longer than a mere 24 hours.
I've been around my Christian family a lot lately. They're always playing Christian sermons on TV. And the sermons are hard to tune out. I don't feel a Christian path or lifestyle is for me. And surrounded by all this stuff, and these other ideas, sometimes I find it easy to somehow, some way, lose myself. I guess getting back on this forum for awhile, answering things for myself and not in front of them, has made me once again "feel" that more authentic version of myself, and get back to the person I want to be.
In the path to figuring things out for myself, yes I have made a few mistakes. Being mildly too superstitious and focused on woo. And even having a bit of panic of sorts, moderate anxiety, when I was facing all the things I was for the time that I was openly transgender.
I can't authentically or fully put myself in another's shoes. But I do find communicating with people in life, and on the forum, more difficult than I think it should be. I seem to have that social awkwardness, I think. I was diagnosed with mental health issues long ago and take medicine, and I do bring my medical history up, or a brief form of it, when I meet new people, but only after a couple of weeks. I feel it does make me seen differently by them, quite often. It affects the power dynamic where they start to see me as instable in mind, perhaps even seeing themselves in their mind as stable by comparison, and I feel it creates an unlevel power dynamic, quite often.
My best solution to overcoming this is, I feel there is such a thing as overthinking things. That it happens often when you're just staring into someone's eyes and talking. In real life, I feel more comfortable about moments that are less planned. Whether that moment is playing paintball, or some other strenuous activity. For me and the other person to do.
I feel I exist more on the spiritual level as a person. I have to be awakened, unwrapped, or invigorated somehow, to open up. It's possible you'll get some attitude that comes it, possibly even an indecisive mind. And yes, some of my personality and mannerisms may have to do with mental health somewhat. But I'm the type that likes to play hard, even if it breaks me, and pick up the pieces later. And I feel I clean up nicely in that regard, or so I hope. I'm the type where someone tells me "I don't think it's reasonable to do this with your age/condition" and I might say "Watch me", then go onto great success with said thing.
I feel with my personality, that my current choice of faith, which I've mentioned before, may be a good fit for me. Wicca. Time will tell whether I ever move on from it.
Awhile back, sometimes I blab too much I think, but I did get discouraged when some forum people were being a bit critical, not mean, but stating faults dryly and matter-of-factly, about me. I feel that most weren't accurate, and that said people were judging me, but hadn't spent enough time around me to properly assess, nor went into the deeper conversations with me to know me. It frustrated me, but I'm over it now, or else I wouldn't be posting here. I think I'm ready to move on from it, and I'll try to make it the last I say about it.
So about that whole gender thing. I've identified as transgender before, yes. I'm taking a step back. But not giving up embracing my femininity completely.
But going back to regrets, yes I do regret a few things. Talking about one or two of my spiritual experiences while identifying as Hindu, on the forum, and also you all could have probably done without listening to my weird experience of meeting an energy healer.
But in case it wasn't said, I think I'm doing okay, though. Overcoming obstacles in my path, finding ways to reduce my anxiety and overcome, and shaping my path the way I want it to be. I think I'm starting to be understood more by people outside this site, too. Sometimes the fault I struggle with right now is being too picky - if a conversation feels like I'm talking to a wall, I often start to fade out from the conversation. Sure, sometimes if you encounter someone unemotional, they can still help you along your path, sometimes keeping you grounded. It's good to have friends like that. I also look at the bigger picture too - some day I'd like to meet someone, with a deep soul, great emotional intelligence, an old soul brought up on the latest, and despite them not being exactly like me in every way, I feel I click well with that type. Whether that ends up with friendship, twin flame friendship, or more, who can tell? But one of my goals right now, is seeking out that person that I don't even know the name of. I feel that stranger things in my life have happened, than to meet such a person that clicks with me.
Maybe someone else will be that person to unlock the inner depths and enigma of my being, or maybe it will be more personal and will be me, me learning more about being that person, that person that I feel I need.
So, hey, that's where I'm at right now.
I've been around my Christian family a lot lately. They're always playing Christian sermons on TV. And the sermons are hard to tune out. I don't feel a Christian path or lifestyle is for me. And surrounded by all this stuff, and these other ideas, sometimes I find it easy to somehow, some way, lose myself. I guess getting back on this forum for awhile, answering things for myself and not in front of them, has made me once again "feel" that more authentic version of myself, and get back to the person I want to be.
In the path to figuring things out for myself, yes I have made a few mistakes. Being mildly too superstitious and focused on woo. And even having a bit of panic of sorts, moderate anxiety, when I was facing all the things I was for the time that I was openly transgender.
I can't authentically or fully put myself in another's shoes. But I do find communicating with people in life, and on the forum, more difficult than I think it should be. I seem to have that social awkwardness, I think. I was diagnosed with mental health issues long ago and take medicine, and I do bring my medical history up, or a brief form of it, when I meet new people, but only after a couple of weeks. I feel it does make me seen differently by them, quite often. It affects the power dynamic where they start to see me as instable in mind, perhaps even seeing themselves in their mind as stable by comparison, and I feel it creates an unlevel power dynamic, quite often.
My best solution to overcoming this is, I feel there is such a thing as overthinking things. That it happens often when you're just staring into someone's eyes and talking. In real life, I feel more comfortable about moments that are less planned. Whether that moment is playing paintball, or some other strenuous activity. For me and the other person to do.
I feel I exist more on the spiritual level as a person. I have to be awakened, unwrapped, or invigorated somehow, to open up. It's possible you'll get some attitude that comes it, possibly even an indecisive mind. And yes, some of my personality and mannerisms may have to do with mental health somewhat. But I'm the type that likes to play hard, even if it breaks me, and pick up the pieces later. And I feel I clean up nicely in that regard, or so I hope. I'm the type where someone tells me "I don't think it's reasonable to do this with your age/condition" and I might say "Watch me", then go onto great success with said thing.
I feel with my personality, that my current choice of faith, which I've mentioned before, may be a good fit for me. Wicca. Time will tell whether I ever move on from it.
Awhile back, sometimes I blab too much I think, but I did get discouraged when some forum people were being a bit critical, not mean, but stating faults dryly and matter-of-factly, about me. I feel that most weren't accurate, and that said people were judging me, but hadn't spent enough time around me to properly assess, nor went into the deeper conversations with me to know me. It frustrated me, but I'm over it now, or else I wouldn't be posting here. I think I'm ready to move on from it, and I'll try to make it the last I say about it.
So about that whole gender thing. I've identified as transgender before, yes. I'm taking a step back. But not giving up embracing my femininity completely.
But going back to regrets, yes I do regret a few things. Talking about one or two of my spiritual experiences while identifying as Hindu, on the forum, and also you all could have probably done without listening to my weird experience of meeting an energy healer.
But in case it wasn't said, I think I'm doing okay, though. Overcoming obstacles in my path, finding ways to reduce my anxiety and overcome, and shaping my path the way I want it to be. I think I'm starting to be understood more by people outside this site, too. Sometimes the fault I struggle with right now is being too picky - if a conversation feels like I'm talking to a wall, I often start to fade out from the conversation. Sure, sometimes if you encounter someone unemotional, they can still help you along your path, sometimes keeping you grounded. It's good to have friends like that. I also look at the bigger picture too - some day I'd like to meet someone, with a deep soul, great emotional intelligence, an old soul brought up on the latest, and despite them not being exactly like me in every way, I feel I click well with that type. Whether that ends up with friendship, twin flame friendship, or more, who can tell? But one of my goals right now, is seeking out that person that I don't even know the name of. I feel that stranger things in my life have happened, than to meet such a person that clicks with me.
Maybe someone else will be that person to unlock the inner depths and enigma of my being, or maybe it will be more personal and will be me, me learning more about being that person, that person that I feel I need.
So, hey, that's where I'm at right now.
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