My GriefShare group

[Trailblazer]

I have been attending a GriefShare group for the last three weeks and it will go for 10 more weeks, although I might continue attending longer. The reason I started attending is because I thought it might be useful to be in a group of people who are dealing with similar issues owing to the death of a loved one.

This group meets at a country church, it is Bible-based, and there are quite a few participants, at least 15. Before going to this group, I attended a secular grief group led by social workers and there were only about six participants. I like the church group better because it is more organized and more friendly, warm and inviting. The couple that leads the group is an elderly couple and they really practice what they preach, love.

Before I joined the group I asked if it was only for Christians and they said no, it is open to anyone, but I think everyone in the group is a Christian. I can still share my experiences but I am not about to reveal my identity as a Baha’i because then I would have to explain what I believe. There is plenty of overlap in our beliefs but there are also beliefs that are different and I don’t want these nice people to think I disrespect their beliefs just because I have different beliefs.

I also don’t have the same issues that most of these people are dealing with since I have worked through grief in counseling and by myself so many times before, so the information that they are providing in the videos is old hat. Moreover, most of these people are actively grieving their losses even though some of these losses occurred years ago. By contrast, I don’t get stuck in grief anymore since I have learned how to deal with it and move through it. I have had to learn in order to survive.

Most of my issues now are related to the aftermath of the loss of my husband and having to face life all alone, not knowing where I am going to go from here, but that is not what this group is for. There are some widows and widowers in the group so I imagine they might have some of the same feelings as I do, but this group is not focused on dealing with the adjustment to widowhood, it is focused on grief and the feelings associated with grief, such as guilt, anger, and forgiveness. Another difference is that all these people have children, family and friends, and I don’t have any family and have few friends.

Nevertheless, I think it is a good idea for me to attend this group since I need the social interaction and comradery it provides. It is unfortunate that the Baha’i Faith does not offer such support for its members and often the Baha’is try to sweep death and grief under the carpet with scriptures I can do without. At least the Christians are open and honest about death of our loved ones, that it is real and it hurts.

 

[Truthseeker]

It is unfortunate that the Baha’i Faith does not offer such support for its members and often the Baha’is try to sweep death and grief under the carpet with scriptures I can do without. At least the Christians are open and honest about death of our loved ones, that it is real and it hurts.

We are small, so we can't offer that kind of support. The Christians outnumber us a gazillion times. If the Baha'is had such a group, they wouldn't be any different than that Christian group. The reason I say that is not because I believe the Baha'is are superior to Christians, under our skin we are all the same. Grief groups are set up like that in every religion when they have the numbers to organize it. Ask yourself, if you talked to a Christian outside this grief group, would they be same as the Baha'is you've interacted with? Do you know?

 

[AnnaCzereda]

If that group offers you some consolation and friendship, then continue to attend it. Use your judgement. I don't know the people there. Sometimes, people around us can infect us with their negativity. One example of such negativity can be constantly dwelling on one's grief, constant preoccupation with the past, obsessive clinging to the memories instead of letting it go.

I once had an acquaintance who mourned her husband for years. She couldn't move on. Her dead husband was forever present in her home and in her head. Totally a counterproductive attitude in my opinion. You can't open a new chapter in your life if you don't close the old one.

It's good that you managed to work through your grief and put it behind you. When my parents died, I also tried to come back to my normal life as quickly as possible. Not taking a break from work helped me a lot. It was easier to focus on the present for me when I had people around me and had duties to fulfill.

 

[Trailblazer]

We are small, so we can't offer that kind of support. The Christians outnumber us a gazillion times. If the Baha'is had such a group, they wouldn't be any different than that Christian group. The reason I say that is not because I believe the Baha'is are superior to Christians, under our skin we are all the same. Grief groups are set up like that in every religion when they have the numbers to organize it.

I understand that about how small we are, but I don't think that is the only reason we don't have such groups. I think it is more of a everyone to themselves philosophy. So much for loving and caring. The Baha'is wouldn't bother with a grief group, because as far as death goes, Baha'is are not supposed to grieve the loss of a loved one, we are supposed to rejoice because they 'went to the Abha kingdom.' It is so insensitive and uncaring. Also, the Baha'is are too busy with their 'other activities' to actually care about their own members and how they feel, activities that I have no interest in.

Do you think the Baha'is would support a grief group if I was willing to sponsor it? I doubt it, since death is supposed to be a Messenger of Joy.

I know you have to defend the Baha'is, so have at at, but I tell it as I see it, as I have seen it for over 50 years.

Ask yourself, if you talked to a Christian outside this grief group, would they be same as the Baha'is you've interacted with? Do you know?

I don't know. People are individuals, but I think the Baha'i belief system itself lends to being less caring and even cold.

 

[Trailblazer]

If that group offers you some consolation and friendship, then continue to attend it. Use your judgement. I don't know the people there. Sometimes, people around us can infect us with their negativity. One example of such negativity can be constantly dwelling on one's grief, constant preoccupation with the past, obsessive clinging to the memories instead of letting it go.

I agree. I do not think it is healthy to hang onto grief and dwell on the past. The past is gone and I have no interest in thinking about it. I was a little worried that such a group could drag me down, but luckily this group is not influencing me that way since I can separate from how other people feel. I am there for the socialization and to be around people who understand what it feels like to lose someone and care about how other people feel.

I once had an acquaintance who mourned her husband for years. She couldn't move on. Her dead husband was forever present in her home and in her head. Totally a counterproductive attitude in my opinion. You can't open a new chapter in your life if you don't close the old one.

I agree. I am trying to move on. Many people expect widows to just accept their new status and live alone for the rest of their lives, especially at my age, but I would like to get married again, although that is a tall order, since I am not interested in what most men are interested in, nor do I share most men's values.

My counselor thinks it is healthier for me to move on than to sit around grieving, although she thinks that it is up to me whether I get married again or not. I say it is up to fate, since I cannot make it happen by free will alone.

It's good that you managed to work through your grief and put it behind you. When my parents died, I also tried to come back to my normal life as quickly as possible. Not taking a break from work helped me a lot. It was easier to focus on the present for me when I had people around me and had duties to fulfill.

Prolonged grief can lead to depression, and I immediately knew that I could not afford to let that happen since I have a history of depression, so I did not wallow in grief, I stayed as busy as possible. I took two weeks off work becaue I could not concentrate and I had lots of things to do. Although my employer expected I would need an extended leave of absence, I did not want to be gone any longer than necessary. The same thing happened when my mother died in 2007. I took two weeks off and then went back to work and got on with things.

One thing that people may not understand, unless they have been through it, is that the death of a parent is not the same as the death of a spouse, since you live with a spouse so there is the adjustment of living alone.

 

[Truthseeker]

I understand that about how small we are, but I don't think that is the only reason we don't have such groups. I think it is more of a everyone to themselves philosophy.

I see that as an American philosophy that has infected the Baha'is. There is a Persian Baha'i in our community, a refugee from Iran, and he says in the community he was in, they took care of each other. i have heard similar things from Baha'is who have been in other countries. In this country, the Baha'is seem cold to them compared to those other countries.

I don't know. People are individuals, but I think the Baha'i belief system itself lends to being less caring and even cold.

See the above.

 

[Trailblazer]

I see that as an American philosophy that has infected the Baha'is.

Maybe so, but Baha'is should know better and they should practice what they preach.

 

[Truthseeker]

Maybe so, but Baha'is should know better and they should practice what they preach.

I agree with that.