BHSU_Student
Member
Well, interestingly I decided to make an appointment with a psychologist and psychiatrist. To make the story short, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder. The fear involves abandonment and rejection.
Apparently, I did not develop secure and trusting attachments with either of my parents, and this has led to issues with myself and how I form bonds in adult relationships. I did not recieve enough love, in fact there were multiple times where both my mother and father attempted to abandon me. I ended up forming an attachment to a blanket, and my father decided to take that away too, for who knows what reasons. He also decided to pick me up, and throw me into the wall at age three, because he decided to take his anger out on me. These are just a few memories, but my father continues to be abusive to this day.
I recieved a double dose of this and became a social outcast beginning in middle school. I was the laughing stock of every classroom until junior year of high school. Then I met my first girlfriend, who I thought would finally be the one to show me love and acceptance. She showed me the opposite.
This continued when I had attempted to form relationships with other women. I felt needy and insecure, and their rejection because of the former led me down a dark path of cynicism, self-hatred, self-infliction, and depression. I felt incredibly alone.
I'm 24 now, and I think I've come a long ways despite my predicament. I no longer feel depression, after battling it for years. Given the diagnosis, I think I can finally understand myself and the nature of my problems... and I will only continue to confront these fears.
Apparently, I did not develop secure and trusting attachments with either of my parents, and this has led to issues with myself and how I form bonds in adult relationships. I did not recieve enough love, in fact there were multiple times where both my mother and father attempted to abandon me. I ended up forming an attachment to a blanket, and my father decided to take that away too, for who knows what reasons. He also decided to pick me up, and throw me into the wall at age three, because he decided to take his anger out on me. These are just a few memories, but my father continues to be abusive to this day.
I recieved a double dose of this and became a social outcast beginning in middle school. I was the laughing stock of every classroom until junior year of high school. Then I met my first girlfriend, who I thought would finally be the one to show me love and acceptance. She showed me the opposite.
This continued when I had attempted to form relationships with other women. I felt needy and insecure, and their rejection because of the former led me down a dark path of cynicism, self-hatred, self-infliction, and depression. I felt incredibly alone.
I'm 24 now, and I think I've come a long ways despite my predicament. I no longer feel depression, after battling it for years. Given the diagnosis, I think I can finally understand myself and the nature of my problems... and I will only continue to confront these fears.
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