Aletheia Athanatos
Member
The following isn't actually a "how to" guide. It is a humorous blog written by an atheist (re-posted here with her permission).
How to Annoy an Atheist
by onezenmom
1. Ask her why she is bitter against God.
2. Tell her that if there’s no God, she might as well go out and kill people.
3. At every available opportunity refer to Atheism as "a religion".
4. Be utterly adamant that creation/intelligent design is a "science" while pointing out that evolution is "just a theory".
5. Prove that god exists by pointing out where in the bible it says so.
6. Use multiple versions of Pascal’s Wager as though you thought them up yourself.
7. Explain that any biblical passages you agree with are "the word of god" while at the same time dismissing any you disagree with as being "metaphorical" or "out-of-context".
8. Refer to Atheists as illogical, faith-based and fundamentalist. Or any other term that has previously been used to accurately describe you.
9. Cite Kent Hovind as a legitimate source of information.
10. …and call him “Dr. Hovind.”
11. Tell them that the universe is too complex to “just exist,” and must have been created by a God who “just exists.
12. Use the fact that the Atheist can't fully explain to you how the universe was formed as evidence that god done it.
13. Don't worry about details such as the logistics involved with Noah's ark, how the human race came from two people without incest or why the bible contradicts itself so often.
14. Say you will pray for her; And make sure she knows you said it out of spite.
15. No matter how many times you are corrected and how much evidence you see to the contrary ... Always claim that America is a Christian nation founded by Christians on Christian principles.
16. Say that separation of church and state isn’t in the Constitution; insist that the Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments.
17. Accuse them of persecuting you.
18. Point out that we all take things on faith.
19. Use the Second Law of Thermodynamics to disprove evolution.
20. Before starting an argument, say “You’re an atheist? That means you’re going to hell!”
21. After losing the argument say, “I pity you.”
22. End a discussion with “Well, I know you’re smarter than I am, but I know I’m right.”
23. Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
24. Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
25. Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
26. Accuse them of willfully ignoring the “obvious truth.”
27. Use bad math to back up your claims.
28. Tell her that she acknowledges Christ every time she uses “A.D.” - which, of course, stands for “After Death.”
29. Insist that the Bible is meant to be taken literally — all except that verse she just showed you.
30. Insist that Noah’s Ark and the Shroud of Turin are real.
31. …and tell him about the special on FOX where you saw it.
32. Tell him you must study the Bible for many years to reject Christianity.
33. …and when he points out that you reject Islam despite never having studied the Qu’ran, say that you have faith, and faith is all you need.
34. Ask him how he knows God isn’t real if he can’t see the air.
35. Talk about how you used to be a miserable, sinning, drug-abusing, alcoholic, sex-addicted, spouse-beating criminal until you found God.
36. When shown that the Bible says that Pi=3, say that the Hebrews didn’t know anything about science, so it’s not their fault.
37. When shown the creation account in Genesis, insist that the Hebrews had all kinds of scientific savvy, being inspired by God.
38. Smile smugly and tell him that there are no atheists in foxholes.
39. Equivocate scientific faith with religious faith, and conclude that, metaphysically, you are both in the same boat.
40. Claim that archaeology is proof of the Bible’s truth.
41. Misconstrue logical terms in order to prove that logic does not work.
42. Claim that logic is the atheist’s god.
43. Use only circular reasoning.
44. Claim that the atheist only uses circular reasoning.
45. Claim that circular reasoning is legitimate due to circular reasoning being legitimate.
46. Use the phrase “Hate the sin, love the sinner” as a blanket response to the notion that Christianity is at fault for something.
47. State that Christianity has done a lot of good along with all the mass murder.
48. When he takes the time and trouble to explain where your analogy or interpretation is at fault, begin your response with a *sigh*, so he’ll know how patient you’re being.
49. Offer inane apologetics books in the hopes that he hasn’t heard the arguments in them a thousand times already.
50. When asked if they would sacrifice their own child for God, respond with “God would never ask me to do that.”
51. Carefully explain that Lot’s daughters were never in danger of gang rape, and that Lot knew this all along.
52. Tell him that Christians aren’t perfect — just forgiven.
53. Claim that Einstein was a Christian.
54. Claim that Darwin recanted evolution on his deathbed.
55. …and when he tells you about the Lady Hope myth, cry.
56. Vehemently claim that the theory of evolution is incompatible with theism, then turn around and blame the theory for promoting atheism.
57. Say that evolution is not proven — therefore the Bible is correct.
58. Tell him it’s his responsibility to prove that God doesn’t exist.
59. Ask what he believes in, if not God.
60. Explain that Buddha’s last words were “Jesus, forgive me.”
61. …and tell him that you were “saved” when you heard that story.
62. …and when he explains that Buddha died 500 years before Jesus was born, give him a blank look.
63. Say that God can’t reveal himself with any real proof, because that would remove the need for faith.
64. When something awful happens, tell him not to blame God — he doesn’t interfere.
65. When something wonderful happens, tell him to credit God — he made it happen.
66. Explain that it doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks he’s sinned – all humans were imbued with original sin at the moment of their birth.
67. …then tell him that babies automatically go to heaven.
68. …and mentally retarded people.
69. …and those with Down’s Syndrome.
70. Treat nothing he says as credible, because he is possessed by Satan.
71. Show that the Bible must be true because when you take the original Hebrew letters, spread them out and twist them around, you can spell words.
72. …and when he points out that that will work with literally any work in any alphabet, accuse him of closed-mindedness and blasphemy.
73. Spell it “athiest.”
74. Spell it “evilution.”
75. Tell him that Hitler was an atheist.
76. Tell him that he’s playing right into Satan’s hands, because Satan’s greatest ploy is convincing people that God doesn’t exist.
77. Claim that Jesus is the God based on the Old Testament, then turn around and say that the Old Testament has nothing to do with the New Covenant.
78. Use the word “presupposition” incorrectly, repeatedly.
79. Say that God believes in him, whether or not he believes in God.
80. Call the Branch Davidians a “cult,” but insist that your particular faction is a “religion.”
81. …and argue that a practical distinction actually exists.
82. Tell him that he can’t use absolute logic because God is the only absolute.
83. Tell him the signs are there — he’s just not looking.
84. Say that you know in your heart that belief in God is perfectly logical and rational.
85. Insist that homosexuality is a choice.
86. Insist that Thomas Jefferson was a Christian.
87. Tell his that it’s not a religion — it’s a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
88. When asked what’s wrong with evolution, tell them that it doesn’t account for the origin of matter.
89. Tell him that fossils in the earth are the Devil’s work.
90. Grossly misunderstand the word “theory.”
91. Ask how she can possibly raise children in a godless environment.
92. When the subject of homosexuality comes up, say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
93. …and expect it to be taken as an intelligent remark.
94. Post something inflammatory about him, wait for him to respond, then go back and delete or edit your post so that it appears that the atheist is attacking you for no reason.95. Point to something in nature that’s really cool, and call it proof of God’s existence.
96. Take advantage of a horrible national tragedy, caused in large part by religious fanaticism, by pushing your own religious fanaticism as the only thing that will save us all.
97. …and announce that the tragedy only happened because of those who ignore your religious fanaticism.
98. Insist on deathbed conversions.
99. When ending your conversation with the atheist, promise to read whatever book the atheist may have mentioned, knowing darned well that you yourself never made it through Leviticus.
How to Annoy an Atheist
by onezenmom
1. Ask her why she is bitter against God.
2. Tell her that if there’s no God, she might as well go out and kill people.
3. At every available opportunity refer to Atheism as "a religion".
4. Be utterly adamant that creation/intelligent design is a "science" while pointing out that evolution is "just a theory".
5. Prove that god exists by pointing out where in the bible it says so.
6. Use multiple versions of Pascal’s Wager as though you thought them up yourself.
7. Explain that any biblical passages you agree with are "the word of god" while at the same time dismissing any you disagree with as being "metaphorical" or "out-of-context".
8. Refer to Atheists as illogical, faith-based and fundamentalist. Or any other term that has previously been used to accurately describe you.
9. Cite Kent Hovind as a legitimate source of information.
10. …and call him “Dr. Hovind.”
11. Tell them that the universe is too complex to “just exist,” and must have been created by a God who “just exists.
12. Use the fact that the Atheist can't fully explain to you how the universe was formed as evidence that god done it.
13. Don't worry about details such as the logistics involved with Noah's ark, how the human race came from two people without incest or why the bible contradicts itself so often.
14. Say you will pray for her; And make sure she knows you said it out of spite.
15. No matter how many times you are corrected and how much evidence you see to the contrary ... Always claim that America is a Christian nation founded by Christians on Christian principles.
16. Say that separation of church and state isn’t in the Constitution; insist that the Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments.
17. Accuse them of persecuting you.
18. Point out that we all take things on faith.
19. Use the Second Law of Thermodynamics to disprove evolution.
20. Before starting an argument, say “You’re an atheist? That means you’re going to hell!”
21. After losing the argument say, “I pity you.”
22. End a discussion with “Well, I know you’re smarter than I am, but I know I’m right.”
23. Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
24. Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
25. Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
26. Accuse them of willfully ignoring the “obvious truth.”
27. Use bad math to back up your claims.
28. Tell her that she acknowledges Christ every time she uses “A.D.” - which, of course, stands for “After Death.”
29. Insist that the Bible is meant to be taken literally — all except that verse she just showed you.
30. Insist that Noah’s Ark and the Shroud of Turin are real.
31. …and tell him about the special on FOX where you saw it.
32. Tell him you must study the Bible for many years to reject Christianity.
33. …and when he points out that you reject Islam despite never having studied the Qu’ran, say that you have faith, and faith is all you need.
34. Ask him how he knows God isn’t real if he can’t see the air.
35. Talk about how you used to be a miserable, sinning, drug-abusing, alcoholic, sex-addicted, spouse-beating criminal until you found God.
36. When shown that the Bible says that Pi=3, say that the Hebrews didn’t know anything about science, so it’s not their fault.
37. When shown the creation account in Genesis, insist that the Hebrews had all kinds of scientific savvy, being inspired by God.
38. Smile smugly and tell him that there are no atheists in foxholes.
39. Equivocate scientific faith with religious faith, and conclude that, metaphysically, you are both in the same boat.
40. Claim that archaeology is proof of the Bible’s truth.
41. Misconstrue logical terms in order to prove that logic does not work.
42. Claim that logic is the atheist’s god.
43. Use only circular reasoning.
44. Claim that the atheist only uses circular reasoning.
45. Claim that circular reasoning is legitimate due to circular reasoning being legitimate.
46. Use the phrase “Hate the sin, love the sinner” as a blanket response to the notion that Christianity is at fault for something.
47. State that Christianity has done a lot of good along with all the mass murder.
48. When he takes the time and trouble to explain where your analogy or interpretation is at fault, begin your response with a *sigh*, so he’ll know how patient you’re being.
49. Offer inane apologetics books in the hopes that he hasn’t heard the arguments in them a thousand times already.
50. When asked if they would sacrifice their own child for God, respond with “God would never ask me to do that.”
51. Carefully explain that Lot’s daughters were never in danger of gang rape, and that Lot knew this all along.
52. Tell him that Christians aren’t perfect — just forgiven.
53. Claim that Einstein was a Christian.
54. Claim that Darwin recanted evolution on his deathbed.
55. …and when he tells you about the Lady Hope myth, cry.
56. Vehemently claim that the theory of evolution is incompatible with theism, then turn around and blame the theory for promoting atheism.
57. Say that evolution is not proven — therefore the Bible is correct.
58. Tell him it’s his responsibility to prove that God doesn’t exist.
59. Ask what he believes in, if not God.
60. Explain that Buddha’s last words were “Jesus, forgive me.”
61. …and tell him that you were “saved” when you heard that story.
62. …and when he explains that Buddha died 500 years before Jesus was born, give him a blank look.
63. Say that God can’t reveal himself with any real proof, because that would remove the need for faith.
64. When something awful happens, tell him not to blame God — he doesn’t interfere.
65. When something wonderful happens, tell him to credit God — he made it happen.
66. Explain that it doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks he’s sinned – all humans were imbued with original sin at the moment of their birth.
67. …then tell him that babies automatically go to heaven.
68. …and mentally retarded people.
69. …and those with Down’s Syndrome.
70. Treat nothing he says as credible, because he is possessed by Satan.
71. Show that the Bible must be true because when you take the original Hebrew letters, spread them out and twist them around, you can spell words.
72. …and when he points out that that will work with literally any work in any alphabet, accuse him of closed-mindedness and blasphemy.
73. Spell it “athiest.”
74. Spell it “evilution.”
75. Tell him that Hitler was an atheist.
76. Tell him that he’s playing right into Satan’s hands, because Satan’s greatest ploy is convincing people that God doesn’t exist.
77. Claim that Jesus is the God based on the Old Testament, then turn around and say that the Old Testament has nothing to do with the New Covenant.
78. Use the word “presupposition” incorrectly, repeatedly.
79. Say that God believes in him, whether or not he believes in God.
80. Call the Branch Davidians a “cult,” but insist that your particular faction is a “religion.”
81. …and argue that a practical distinction actually exists.
82. Tell him that he can’t use absolute logic because God is the only absolute.
83. Tell him the signs are there — he’s just not looking.
84. Say that you know in your heart that belief in God is perfectly logical and rational.
85. Insist that homosexuality is a choice.
86. Insist that Thomas Jefferson was a Christian.
87. Tell his that it’s not a religion — it’s a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
88. When asked what’s wrong with evolution, tell them that it doesn’t account for the origin of matter.
89. Tell him that fossils in the earth are the Devil’s work.
90. Grossly misunderstand the word “theory.”
91. Ask how she can possibly raise children in a godless environment.
92. When the subject of homosexuality comes up, say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
93. …and expect it to be taken as an intelligent remark.
94. Post something inflammatory about him, wait for him to respond, then go back and delete or edit your post so that it appears that the atheist is attacking you for no reason.95. Point to something in nature that’s really cool, and call it proof of God’s existence.
96. Take advantage of a horrible national tragedy, caused in large part by religious fanaticism, by pushing your own religious fanaticism as the only thing that will save us all.
97. …and announce that the tragedy only happened because of those who ignore your religious fanaticism.
98. Insist on deathbed conversions.
99. When ending your conversation with the atheist, promise to read whatever book the atheist may have mentioned, knowing darned well that you yourself never made it through Leviticus.
