[Heathens/Germanic Polytheists Only] On Family, Frith, and Frithbreaking

[Riverwolf]

In Heathenry, family is considered central. Loyalty to one's family and ancestors is considered the core of Heathenry, more than anything else (even the Gods.)

It doesn't take much to realize how this could be a problem.

I know people who come from/live in abusive families. I've seen the kind of damage that can do. While many Heathens might say the responsibility is on the abused to try keeping Frith in the family, I say that clinging to this dogmatically amounts to enabling abuse at best, and outright victim-blaming at worst.

Yes, family is important, far moreso than wider American culture believes. However, the way I see it, Frith is the core of Heathenry (if there even is one), and abusers are Frithbreakers. I do not believe victims of repeated abuse are under any obligation to regard their abusers as "family", unless the abusers REALLY demonstrate genuine attempts to recognize and correct their behaviors.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Is it okay if I post here, because I've been feeling close to Heathenry lately (I'm wearing my favorite Hammer right now, lol) and the family/ancestry question has been heavy on my mind, too? This issue is actually what turned me away from Heathenry before.

 

[Riverwolf]

Is it okay if I post here, because I've been feeling close to Heathenry lately (I'm wearing my favorite Hammer right now, lol) and the family/ancestry question has been heavy on my mind, too? This issue is actually what turned me away from Heathenry before.

Sure. I admit I'm a bit of an oddball when it comes to the family thing.

 

[Sees]

For family ideally you should give them the benefit of the doubt and treat/view them as part of who you are...but if they don't hold up their end in relationships, they can cut themselves off from that preferential treatment, love, respect, etc. Definitely not all are equally/fully deserving of the best you have to give and share just because they have your bloodline. Your part you owe them traditionally is not physically harming them (unless you have absolutely no other choice) or wishing them some horrible death... even if they probably deserve one or the other.

 

[Nietzsche]

"Family" is what you decide it is. If your father is an abusive prick, he's a sperm donor, for instance. Your loyalty isn't based on literal genetic ties, there has(and should) be more to it than that.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Sure. I admit I'm a bit of an oddball when it comes to the family thing.

Okay. Just wanted to be sure.

As for me, I'm estranged from pretty much all of my blood relatives. There was severe physical and psychological abuse from both sides. My first memory is actually of my paternal grandfather in a drunken rage, shooting at my mom and I while my mom was carrying me and fleeing from him. My dad was physically abusive, a sex addict, involved in criminal activities, ran off with a 14 year old girl and took the rent money with him, so my mom and I had to leave California to stay with her side of the family in Ohio, which ended up being the nightmare that I still haven't awoken from.

Basically, both sides of my family are extremely abusive, alcoholics, drug addicts, liars, sexual perverts (I'm talking things like child molestation), criminals, etc. Both the black and the white sides of my family are racist, so I was rejected by both. They hated my mom before I was born because she was too free-spirited. So they hated me not only because of my skin color but also because I'm my mom's child.

I have nothing to do with any of them now. My mom's side of the family threw us away about 9 years ago when her dad died and one of her sisters took over his house by tricking all the other siblings into selling her their share for $1, right after he died. She kicked us out, while my mom was still recovering from having hip replacement surgery.

To cut a very long story short: I hate them all and I wish them dead.

I was in contact with my oldest sister (my mom's oldest; my dad had kids from a prior marriage, as well, so I have a bunch of half siblings) until recently because I realized that she doesn't really care about me. She knows that I'm in an awful situation and I'm alone out here, but she only seems to care about money. So I stopped returning her calls and replying to her emails.

So I really have nothing to do with any of my blood relatives now.

My mom, who was everything to me and all I had, passed away of cancer this January, so that's has me thinking of ancestry and family lately. All my life, I've felt rootless. Not only because of how my blood relatives have treated her and I, but also because I'm mixed race. I never felt there was anywhere I belonged. It was always her and I against the world, trying to survive. Now I'm alone and have to make my own way. But I want to make her proud and I want pass her genes on eventually.

So now I'm rethinking Heathenry's views of ancestry. I want to feel a connectedness to those who came before me, because I don't have physical family now. Before, I'd get turned off from how the Heathen community goes on and on about family, because of how awful my family is and it would come off as shaming because I hate them so much. But now I know that I'm not the one to blame. They threw me away.

So, to me, it's really a matter of wanting to learn more about my more distant ancestry and to honor my mother. Any family outside of that, I will have to create myself.

 

[Riverwolf]

Okay. Just wanted to be sure.

As for me, I'm estranged from pretty much all of my blood relatives. There was severe physical and psychological abuse from both sides. My first memory is actually of my paternal grandfather in a drunken rage, shooting at my mom and I while my mom was carrying me and fleeing from him. My dad was physically abusive, a sex addict, involved in criminal activities, ran off with a 14 year old girl and took the rent money with him, so my mom and I had to leave California to stay with her side of the family in Ohio, which ended up being the nightmare that I still haven't awoken from.

Basically, both sides of my family are extremely abusive, alcoholics, drug addicts, liars, sexual perverts (I'm talking things like child molestation), criminals, etc. Both the black and the white sides of my family are racist, so I was rejected by both. They hated my mom before I was born because she was too free-spirited. So they hated me not only because of my skin color but also because I'm my mom's child.

I have nothing to do with any of them now. My mom's side of the family threw us away about 9 years ago when her dad died and one of her sisters took over his house by tricking all the other siblings into selling her their share for $1, right after he died. She kicked us out, while my mom was still recovering from having hip replacement surgery.

To cut a very long story short: I hate them all and I wish them dead.

I was in contact with my oldest sister (my mom's oldest; my dad had kids from a prior marriage, as well, so I have a bunch of half siblings) until recently because I realized that she doesn't really care about me. She knows that I'm in an awful situation and I'm alone out here, but she only seems to care about money. So I stopped returning her calls and replying to her emails.

So I really have nothing to do with any of my blood relatives now.

My mom, who was everything to me and all I had, passed away of cancer this January, so that's has me thinking of ancestry and family lately. All my life, I've felt rootless. Not only because of how my blood relatives have treated her and I, but also because I'm mixed race. I never felt there was anywhere I belonged. It was always her and I against the world, trying to survive. Now I'm alone and have to make my own way. But I want to make her proud and I pass her genes on eventually.

So now I'm rethinking Heathenry's views of ancestry. I want to feel a connectedness to those who came before me, because I don't have physical family now. Before, I'd get turned off from how the Heathen community goes on and on about family, because of how awful my family is and it would come off as shaming because I hate them so much. But now I know that I'm not the one to blame. They threw me away.

So, to me, it's really a matter of wanting to learn more about my more distant ancestry and to honor my mother. Any family outside of that, I will have to create myself.

I think that's what's important. If your family treated you like that, you're under NO obligation from them. I do believe we get to choose our family.

The Heathen emphasis on family is largely based on history. Back then, loyalty to one's family and community was necessary for survival. Nowadays, that's not the case, so without any physical necessity, that degree of loyalty has no purpose other than "tradition", which isn't good enough in cases when the "tradition" causes immense harm.

I actually don't participate much in the Heathen community, anyway, and prefer to more or less carve my own path.