Do you really love your mate?

[jeffrey]

God bless you michel, and your wife. You've got a good woman. Rebecca and I have talked about if I got in a wreck and ... about other things.. I know the would stand by me. The love is stronger.

 

[jeffrey]

Darkdale, if the woman your with found out that you where fantasizing about someone else, do you not think that would hurt her? If you where thinking about someone else while making love, and called her by the wrong name, do you not think that would hurt her? (Good way to get your willie chopped off too!) Sensitivity towards another's feelings. Caring about their needs, not just your own.

 

[anders]

With age comes maturity. Sometimes when you are young, you don't realize what you want, you only know what you think you want. Then comes a time when you realize that what you thought you wanted, was not really what you want, and all that you need is right in front of you. Finally satisfied.

Some people try to fill the void in there life with sex, never really being satisfied, always wanting more. Then one day you realize that love is the only thing that will fill that void, and if you are lucky enough you will have a woman that truely loves you as much as you love her. filling your sexual need starts with filling your heart. Sex without true love left me feeling empty, incomplete.

Do I love her? Not exactly without experience at 62, I find I do. I'm healthy and fit, but sex is no main factor in our relation. I won't go into details, but I honestly believe that we both would be as happy as now, even if we skipped all physical exercises beyond just being very close. Love, to me, is more of seeing to that she gets what she needs to be reasonably happy.

One former GF seemed to judge loving by what I said, not by what I did for her. I took more than sufficient care of most everything -- walking our dog, cooking, cleaning, and her other needs -- but she was more concerned with my explicitely telling her that I loved her. Well, finally I realized that if she didn't understand why I was working that hard, there was no future in our relationship.

Now, the situation is rather reversed. My current love appreciates my actions and understands what they mean. She even prevents me from doing much of the house work. I have to tell her that we're not living in the 1800's and that I should contribute substantially when it comes to chores of all kinds. But she's quite convinced that no man is as suited for cleaning and cooking etc. as a woman, and that I should better leave those things to her. Gives a Swedish male of the third milennium a creepy feeling, but what the heck, I try to spoil her in every possible other way to make up for it.

 

[jeffrey]

Bless you, anders, the both of you! Frubals in the morning when I can give more out!

 

[Jaymes]

I usually don't even think about myself then. I doubt she'd be hurt. We could talk it out if it ever was an issue.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I'll edit it! Sorry. trying to type and drive.

I've seen "you people." Please tell me you don't drive a Hummer..

 

[Solon]

I don't see how you can masturbate without fantasing about somebody. I mean, imagination is a big part of the pleasure involved. I only ever have fantasy's about the same girl with whom I had a torrid relationship with. Sadly, for me, I choose to throw her away. The grass seemed greener somewhere else at the time, but with the passing of time, I have realised it wasn't. But she still turns me on in my head, and provides me with plenty of stimulating thoughts and memories.

S

 

[Fluffy]

Darkdale, if the woman your with found out that you where fantasizing about someone else, do you not think that would hurt her? If you where thinking about someone else while making love, and called her by the wrong name, do you not think that would hurt her? (Good way to get your willie chopped off too!) Sensitivity towards another's feelings. Caring about their needs, not just your own.

I suppose the question then becomes, is it your responsibility to protect her in this way? Lets analyse exactly what is going on in each situation.

In either situation, you have to identify the exact component that is causing the harm. In other words, why, specifically, does fantasising about another person harm your partner? Well it could be that she feels that if you fantasise about another person, then it would mean you want to be with that person and not her. This might be a fair assumption if the person in question was a close friend but if this were the case, then the problem does not lie with the fantasising, it lies with your feelings for this other person. The feelings will be there whether you masturbate to them or not since quashing them won't make them go away. Therefore I wouldn't be able to identify the masturbation as morally wrong but rather your inability to tell youur partner about these feelings, something which she has a right to know about.

However, if the person was a celebrity or an *ahem* "adult" actress, then her complaints become less reasonable with regards to this specific problem since there can clearly be no emotional component to the problem (beyond lust). However, she might feel that you doing this highlights something about herself that you do not find pleasing or at least find more pleasing in this other person, most likely her looks. But, then again, if she is unwilling to fulfill a specific sexual fantasy (fair enough) she can't expect that fantasy to mystically disappear and that fantasy needs an outlet of some kind in order for the sexual relationship to be a healthy one. She must have insecurities (everyone does but that doesn't make them anyone's problem but her's) and she must be putting them ahead of your needs (sexual rather than emotional in nature) and the relationship's needs (again sexual in nature). Giving in and saying "okay I will no longer masturbate while fantasising about celebrity X" does not solve these insecurities and so does not solve the problem. If it in fact accentuated these insecurities then I would even go as far as saying it would be a morally wrong thing to do.

 

[Darkdale]

Darkdale, if the woman your with found out that you where fantasizing about someone else, do you not think that would hurt her? If you where thinking about someone else while making love, and called her by the wrong name, do you not think that would hurt her? (Good way to get your willie chopped off too!) Sensitivity towards another's feelings. Caring about their needs, not just your own.

I can't think about anyone but my lover when I'm with her... but when I'm not, I take the liberty to fantasize. It has nothing to do with her. Should I be sensitive to her feelings while I fantasize? No. I shouldn't be. That time is about me, not her.

 

[Think Bright]

I don't see how you can masturbate without fantasing about somebody. I mean, imagination is a big part of the pleasure involved. I only ever have fantasy's about the same girl with whom I had a torrid relationship with. Sadly, for me, I choose to throw her away. The grass seemed greener somewhere else at the time, but with the passing of time, I have realised it wasn't. But she still turns me on in my head, and provides me with plenty of stimulating thoughts and memories.

S

I guess ya never learned how to use the different ways. Poor man

 

[Solon]

Oh, I'm OK, I'm happy with a fantasy, or two, Does it for me, my dear fellow.

S

 

[jeffrey]

Fluffy, that was deep, but I think I understood what your saying. It also helps to have a partner that likes to explore such things as roll playing, 'soft' bondage, experimenting with different things. Keeps your mind on that person.